Poop, the punchline of nature’s digestive process, is something everyone does but rarely discusses at the dinner table. This natural phenomenon, as routine as it is, carries a certain comedic weight. Let’s face it, there’s something universally funny about our body’s way of saying, ‘Out with the old, in with the new.’ While it’s a topic often met with a chorus of ‘ewws,’ it’s also surrounded by an air of humorous mystery. From the suspense of its arrival to the relief of its departure, poop’s journey is a tale as old as time. It’s a daily occurrence that transcends culture, age, and even species, making it a rich source of material for the timeless art of poop jokes.
Poop jokes are the unsung heroes of comedy, turning what is often considered a taboo topic into a source of endless amusement. They are the snickers in a silent room and the chortles at a campfire. These jokes come in all shapes and sizes, much like their subject matter, and they never fail to amuse with their down-to-earth humor. Whether it’s a clever pun or a hilarious anecdote about a bathroom misadventure, poop jokes have a unique way of bringing people together in shared laughter. They remind us that, at the end of the day, we all have this one thing in common, and it’s okay to laugh about it. After all, in the world of comedy, sometimes the simplest things are the most entertaining.
Funny Poop Jokes
How can you tell if you have a mature or an immature sense of humor?
Poop.
When you say “poop” your mouth moves the same way your an*s does when you poop.
The same is true for the phrase “explosive diarrhea.”
What did the potty training robot say?
Pee poop pee poop.
Knock, knock.
(Who‘s there?)
Poop.
(Poop who?)
Ha ha! You said poo poo!
Son: Daddy, do trees poop?
Father: Of course, That’s how we get number 2 pencils.
Did you hear about the kid who accidentally pooped his pants in the elevator?
He’s taking this sh*t to a whole new level.
A cowboy ran out of food on the trail so he had to boil and eat his leather chaps.
The next day he pooped his pants.
What do you call a twelve-inch poop?
A footstool.
A guy says to his wife: “Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I poop!”
The wife replies, “So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?”
He says, “Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way…”
Do you know that for most people poop jokes aren’t their favorite kind of jokes?
But they are a solid number two.
Recommended: Dirty Poop Jokes
Yo mama so fat, her poop is bigger than your entire body.
Patient: Doctor! Every morning at 7 sharp, I poop.
Doctor: How is that a problem?
Man: I wake up at 8.
What would happen if you ate dinosaur poop?
It would make jurasssick.
What do you get when you cross a diaper and some cereal?
Snap, crackle poop.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Smell mop.
(Smell mop who?)
No, I won’t smell your poo!
“Dad, look! I’m a 3D printer!”
“Johnny, close the godd*mn door if you’re taking a poop.”
What kind of poops do Stick Bugs make?
Dowel Movements.
A poop walks into a bar.
He jumps up onto a bar stool and sits there for a moment, waiting to be served.
The barman spots the poop on the stool, looks around the bar, and shouts, “HEY! How did this get here?!”
“Well, it’s a long story… ” says the poop, “basically, I woke up in the sewer last year and suddenly became aware of my existence. Since then I’ve traveled the globe and met many famous figures, including the Queen of England. I’ve helped doctors with their unsolved problems and cured many diseases that were thought to be incurable. I’ve traveled into outer space and back with some of the best astronauts in the world. I became a multi-billionaire by investing in the stock market, then gave every penny to help children in need. Since I was in the neighborhood, I thought I’d nip into this bar, have a drink, and continue my work on disproving Einstein’s theory of Relativity. I haven’t got long here though, I don’t want to miss my appointment with the world leaders. We’re making an agreement today on world peace.”
The barman just stands there for a moment, mouth wide open. He looks directly at the poop and says, “You’re talking sh*t!”
What do you get when you cut a piece of poop into three pieces?
Turds.
What does it take to change the po po into poop?
A vowel movement.
After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kind of strange. So she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
The wife said, “Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.”
The husband replied, “What’s up?”
The wife said, “According to the DNA test results, this is not our kid.”
The husband replied, “Well you don’t remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped. You said ‘Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here.’”
If pooping is ‘when nature calls,’ then what is a fart?
A missed call.
Recommended: Fart Jokes
What did the fart say to the poop?
“I’ll help you out.”
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
I eep.
(I eep who?)
Gross, you eat poo?!
Why should you poop on 31st December before midnight?
You don’t want to be carrying the same sh*t into a new year.
A pirate walked into a bar.
He had a wooden leg, an eye patch, and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious. “How did you get that wooden leg?” he asked.
The pirate took a swig of ale. “‘Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons. All they managed to hit was my leg.”
The bartender said, “What about your hook?”
The pirate took another long swig, “Arrrr, twas the day the British navy caught me. They tied me to the mast, I escaped by gnawing my own hand off.”
The bartender was growing skeptical. “And how did you get that eyepatch?”
The pirate took another swig, “Twas a mutiny. Me own crew left me marooned on a desert island. But I had no fear. I lay down on the sand to wait to be rescued. As I looked up, a seagull flew over and pooped in me eye.”
The bartender said, “That’s ridiculous, no one loses an eye from bird muck.”
The pirate finished his ale in one gulp and grimaced. “Twas the first day with the hook.”
What do you use to pick up turtle poop in Mario?
A Koopa Troopa Poopa Scoopa.
How is Pooping is a lot like math?
When it’s hard, sometimes you have to work it out with a pencil and paper.
A wife asked her husband if he had ever peed in the shower.
The husband replied, “Yes, twice, accidentally.”
The wife asked, “How do you accidentally pee in the shower?”
The husband replied, “Well, sometimes I pee while I’m pooping.”
Do you know what the poop deck is?
It’s a piece of ship.
What do computers and pooping have in common?
They both end when you logout.
Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little maths test.
Here is your first question, the foreman says. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”
“Without numbers?” Paddy says? “Dat’s easy.” And proceeds to draw three trees.
“What’s this?” the boss asks.
“Have you no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9” says Paddy.
“Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”
Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.. “Ere ye go.”
The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”
“Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99.”
The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire Paddy, so he says, “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.”
Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Ere ye go. One hundred.”
The boss looks at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!” Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers,
“A little dog came along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!”
Did you see they’re turning poop into diesel now?
Turns out you can get pretty far with a load of bullshit.
What did the soldier say when he realized he had to poop?
“Well, duty calls.”
Recommended: Diarrhea Jokes
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Europe.
(Europe who?)
Hey! You’re a poo!
Do you know that Diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your jeans.
As a man was riding the train to work in the morning, his stomach started churning and he desperately needed to use the toilet. Unfortunately, the next stop wasn’t for 10 minutes, so he just sat there and held it.
The woman sitting opposite looked at him in disgust and said, “Is that poop in your hand?!”
What do you call a turtle on the cusp of pooping?
A palindrome.
What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr Dre.
A guy goes to jail and is talking on the phone to his friend.
Inmate: So what’s your plan to bust me out of this Hell hole?
Friend: Ok. Here it is: I’m going to swallow a bunch of rope then do something stupid to get arrested.
Inmate: I’m listening…
Friend: Once I get in there, I’ll go to the bathroom, poop out the rope and sneak it to you. Then you tie the rope into one of those lassos you know how to make. Next time we’re in the yard, we find something the rope can catch on over the fence, we toss the lasso, pull it tight, then climb to freedom!
Inmate: What the Hell are you talking about?
Friend: You know, kinda like a grappling hook.
Inmate: No, I mean, that’s really your f*cking plan?!
Friend: Yeah, dude. I sh*t, you knot.
Why shouldn’t you poop in a recycling bin?
Because it’s supposed to go in the waste basket.
What do you call a constipated detective?
No sh*t Sherlock.
A man in a crowded bar needed to defecate but couldn’t find a bathroom, so he went upstairs and used a hole in the floor.
Returning, he found everyone had gone except the bartender, who was cowering behind the bar. When the man asked what had happened, the bartender replied, “Where were you when the sh*t hit the fan?”
The good thing about the Middle Ages was that you could pee and poop anywhere.
The bad thing about the Middle Ages was that everyone could pee and poop anywhere.
What did poop say when pee asked to join his gang?
“Urine.”
Recommended: Pee Jokes
Why was poop jealous of pee?
Because it was #1.
Did you hear about the runner who pooped his pants during a race?
He didn’t win, but he did finish number two.
A bear and a rabbit are pooping in the woods.
After the bear is done he turns to the rabbit and says, “Do you have a problem with sh*t sticking to your fur?”
The rabbit looks confused and says, “No, I’ve never had a problem with that.”
The bear smiles and says, “Good.” And picks up the rabbit and wipes his butt with him.
What do you call ghost poop?
A spookie dookie.
Is it illegal to train crows to poop on police vehicles?
Maybe, but you have to be careful. If you’re caught trying to gather crows to train, you could be charged with attempted murder.
A 70-year-old, 80-year-old, and 90-year-old man in a nursing home were talking.
“Being 70 is the worst!” The 70-year-old exclaims. “Every morning at 7, I wake up to pee, but nothing comes out!”
“Oh, that’s nothing!” The 80-year-old says. “Each morning at 8, I wake up to poop, and I sit on the toilet for what seems like hours, but nothing comes out!”
“Oh, that’s nothing,” The 90-year-old says. “I have it the worst!”
“Can you pee?” The first man asks.
“Certainly! Every morning at 7, I pee like a champion.”
“Can you poop?” The second man asks.
“Yes, I can! Each morning at 8, I have a regular bowel movement.”
“Then I don’t understand what the problem is!” The first man says.
“Well, I wake up at 9!”
What do you call a slow moving poop?
A turdle.
What did Diahrrea say to poop?
“You’re in shape.”
An old man and his wife are in bed.
After lying silently for a few minutes, the old man farts and says, “Seven points.”
His wife rolls over and says, “What in the heck are you talking about?”
The old man answers, “I’m playing fart football!”
A few minutes later the wife farts and says, “Touchdown! Tie score.”
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, “Touchdown! I’m winning 14 to 7!”
Furious about losing, the wife rips another fart and yells out, “The score is tied!”
The pressure is on and the old man refuses to lose. He strains incredibly hard, but instead of farting he accidentally poops the bed. The wife hears the noise and asks, “What in the world was that noise?”
The old man replies, “That’s the whistle for halftime. Switch sides.”
Do you know why it’s considered lucky when a bird poops on you?
Lucky that cows don’t fly.
Wanna hear a poop joke?
Never mind it’s too corny.
A teacher asked her class to use “definitely” in a sentence.
“The sky is definitely blue,” said one girl. “Nice try but the sky can be black or purple or even orange,” replied the teacher. “The grass is definitely green,” said a little boy. “Well… The grass can be brown too.”
Little Johnny raised his hand. “Yes, Johnny?”
“Are farts solid?” asked little Johnny. Finding this an odd question she was slightly shocked, but answered anyway, “No Johnny.”
“Well, I definitely pooped my pants.”
Have you ever pooped in the dark?
You can’t see sh*t.
Did you hear about the free hotel meal that made everyone poop themselves?
It was an incontinental breakfast.
Three Farmers are raising a pig for the fair, trying to put their brains together to beat everyone else out.
One of them gets the idea to put a cork in its butt, “If it can’t poop it will get huge!” So they do this, and when the fair comes it’s the biggest pig the county has ever seen and they win. They bring the pig back to the farm and say, “Well we should probably take that cork out… but I sure as hell don’t want to do it.” The other two agree.
They decide the best way to do this is to train a monkey to take the cork out for them. They spend a few days training the monkey, ensuring that it will go to plan. On the day of, the first farmer stands 5 feet away, the second 15 feet away, and the last 25 feet away. They signal the monkey, and POOP just flies everywhere. The first farmer is completely covered, the second one up to his waist and the last up to his ankles. They rush forward to dig out the first farmer, and when they do he’s laughing his head off.
“Why are you laughing? You almost died!”
He wheezes back at them, “You should have seen the monkey trying to put the cork back in!!”
What’s the white part of bird poop?
It’s poop too.
Babies have unlimited power and authority to poop anywhere and anytime they want.
They are omni-poo-tent.
A man is in the hospital for stomach problems when he suddenly gets diarrhea and sh*ts in bed.
Panicking, the man folds the sheet with the poo and throws it out the window.
The sheet lands on a man walking by. The man wrestles a little with the sheet and the poop comes flowing out.
Another man walks by and asks him what he’s doing.
“Damn, you’ll never believe me,” he replies. “But I think I just beat the sh*t out of a ghost!
Where does Batman go to poop?
The batroom.
Where does a volcano go when it needs to poop?
The LAVAtory.
An old man went to a store to buy laxatives.
He asks the clerk, “How strong is the effect of this laxative?”
The clerk says, “There is a public toilet 50 steps away from this store, if you take the laxative now, exit the store, and run straight there, as you sit down on a toilet your poops will be pouring out.”
The old man seem satisfied, he bought the laxative, took it, and exits the store.
After 5 minutes, he returned to the store.
The clerk asked, “What happened? It didn’t work?”
The old man answered, “No, it works fine. I am just here to tell you the public toilet is actually 52 steps away.”
What do you call coffee that helps you poop?
Grounds for expulsion.
What do you call it when you poop backward?
An opposhit.
Little Red Riding Hood walks alone through the dark forest.
Suddenly she hears a rustling behind a thick bush.
She pushes the branches and bushes aside and suddenly the big bad wolf is sitting in front of her.
“Oh, bad wolf. Why do you have such big red eyes?”
“Get out of here. I’m pooping!”
When should you use a semi-colon versus a colon?
You should use a semi-colon for shorter poops.
Why did the toddler poop every time he went up the stairs?
He was working on his gross motor skills.
An old woman goes into a supermarket to buy cat food. Knowing that times are hard, the cashier is sure that the old woman is buying the cat food to eat it herself.
“Before I can let you buy that, I need you to prove to me that you own a cat.”
The old woman is upset and tries to argue, but the cashier doesn’t let up. Later that day, the old woman returns with her cat in a carrier and is allowed to buy cat food.
The next day, the old woman goes to the same supermarket to buy dog food. The cashier can’t believe that she has both a cat and a dog and again tells the old woman that she needs to prove that she owns a dog. The old woman leaves and comes back with a tiny dog, and is allowed to buy dog food.
A few days pass, and the old woman returns to the supermarket, but instead of going to the aisles, goes straight to the cashier and hands the cashier a paper bag. The old woman motions for the cashier to open it and look inside. The cashier does this, and while doing so, catches a whiff of its contents.
“Ew, this smells like poop!”, the cashier exclaims.
The old woman says, “Yes it is, now may I buy toilet paper?”
What do you call zombie poop?
VooDoo.
Why couldn’t Genghis poop?
Because he was Khan-stipated.
A kid asks his teacher to go to the bathroom.
The teacher says okay and he goes to the bathroom and takes a crap but realizes there is no toilet paper. He is forced to wipe with his hand and goes back to class with his hand closed. The teacher tells him to open his hand and he responds, “No there is a leprechaun in there and you’re going to scare it away.” The teacher fed up sends him to the nurse who tells him to open his hand. He says, “No there is a leprechaun in there and you’re going to scare it away.” The nurse calls his mom to pick him and when she yells at him to open his hand he responds again, “No there is a leprechaun in there and you’re going to scare it away.”
She tells him to go to see his father downstairs. His dad says, “Open your hand.” He starts to repeat again that he has a leprechaun in his hand but the father takes his hand and opens it and sees his hand covered in poop.
He says, “See dad, you scared the sh*t out of it.”
Why did the fart want to be a poop?
So he can go to the toilet to be with his friends.
What do you call it when a camel takes a poop?
Humpty dumpty.
An old man is sitting with his grandson in his hunting cabin.
Among the walls are the mounted heads and pelts of animals he had taken down over the years.
The boy points to a sizable pair of antlers, and says “Wow Grandpa, those are big antlers!”
“They sure are. That deer was a majestic creature,” the old man responds.
The boy then points to the head of a moose that had been mounted above the fireplace, and exclaims “Gee Grandpa, that sure is a big moose!”
“He sure is! I was afraid the old b*stard was gonna run me down!” The old man chuckles.
Then the boy turned his attention to the gigantic stuffed grizzly bear in the corner of the cabin, and remarked, “That’s a huge bear, Grandpa!”
“For sure he is,” the old man agreed, “that bugger snuck right up behind me, stood waaaaaay up on his hind legs and let out a big ‘ROOOOOOAAAAR’… and I sh*t my pants.”
“I can’t blame ya Grandpa,” the kid said, “I probably would’ve pooped my pants too, seeing a bear that big.”
“No,” the old man laughed, “I meant just now when I went ‘ROOOOOOAAAAR’!”
What is it called when you poop yourself while you’re sleeping?
Sleep Crapnia.
What’s it called when your body lets you know that it’s time to poop?
A push notification.
Eve the beautiful fairy had the power to bring life to the world with her poop.
She had been wandering the forest near the king’s palace for a good spot to take a nice dump, and she found one in a nice shapely pile of leaves. Once finished, she noticed the dead flowers around her bloom as if it were spring. Unbeknownst to our favorite fairy Eve, the poop itself came to life in the form of a little girl.
The girl awoke from her pile of leaves and started exploring her newfound home. She came across two people talking softly in a small clearing in the forest and hid behind a tree out of fear.
It was the king and his advisor, quietly and secretly discussing the capture of the Poop fairy, in hopes of bringing the king’s beloved back to life. The king realized something and stopped talking further. He saw the little girl behind the tree and exclaimed, “She’s Eve’s dropping.”
Why did the student start pooping straight lines after failing the exam?
His teacher told him to get his sh*t straight.
What’s the quickest way to poop and fart at the same time?
Take a shartcut.
What does poop do when it hits the water?
Sploosh.
Two cavemen are walking through the woods.
When the first one suddenly puts out his hand to stop the second. The first caveman points and says, “Look!”
The second caveman asks, “Hmm?”
The first caveman repeats, “Look!”
The second caveman looks closely at where the first caveman is pointing and sees a pile of poop on the ground where he had almost stepped in it. The second caveman says, “Look like poop.”
The first caveman says, “smell.”
The second caveman asks, “Hmm?”
The first caveman repeats, “Smell!”
The second caveman gets down on the ground close to the poop and takes a big whiff. “Smell like poop,” he says.
“Touch,” says the first caveman.
“Hmm?!” the second caveman asks.
“Touch,” repeats the first caveman.
The second caveman pokes the poop and says, “Feel like poop.”
The first caveman says, “Taste.”
The second caveman exasperatedly asks, “HMMM?!!”
To which the first caveman repeats, “Taste.”
The second caveman reluctantly tastes his soiled finger clicking his mouth to get a clear taste. “Taste like poop,” he says.
The first caveman says, “Good thing you no step in.”
Chuck Norris once ate a Rubik’s cube.
And pooped it out solved.
Why did the old lady cross the road?
To take a poop in the road.
Why did the butt join the butt contest?
Because he wanted to get pooped on.
Do you have a funny poop joke? Write down your own poop puns in the comment section below!
Yesterday I pooped, and when I went to flush, the bowl was empty.
I lost my shit.