70 Funny Pee Jokes And Puns To Leave You Peeing Your Pants

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Jessica Amlee

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Many people find the act or topic of urinating to be humorous since it is relevant and quite common in our daily life. Because you have to use the restroom and urinate on a frequent basis, the issue may be familiar, and familiar topics are easy to make fun of.

Pee jokes can also be funny or amusing because they are unexpected or inappropriate. People may find it amusing to make light of something generally considered private or uncomfortable. They are often considered to be lowbrow or childish humor.

Best Pee Jokes

Did you hear about the lifeguard who yelled at the man for peeing in the pool?
He was so startled, he almost fell in.

How is happiness like peeing in your pants?
Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

Wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it!
Husband: (peeing on jellyfish) This is for stinging my wife.

Yo mama so gassy, her pee is carbonated!

How many types of people are in this world?
Two, those that pee in the shower and fucking liars.

How can you tell the difference between a biologist and a chemist in the bathroom?
A biologist washes his hands after peeing, a chemist washes his hands before.

How are friends like snowflakes?
When you pee on them, they disappear.

What happens when you claim an island by peeing on it?

What did the kid say when he saw the invisible man pee?
Urine visible.

What kind of pirate pees on you?
Rrrrrrrr Kelly.

Did you hear about the Native American who died after drinking 100 cups of tea?
He died in his tea pee.

When is the only time P comes after Q?
When there’s a line for the bathroom because you have to queue before you pee.

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have gold toilets?”
“What? Are toilets made of gold? What are you speaking about?”
“Look, I got extremely wasted last night, but the only thing I remember is peeing in a golden toilet.”
The bartender says, “Ok, first, no we don’t have golden toilets. Secondly, hey Morty, I found the guy that pissed in your tuba!”

How does The Rock pee?
He Dwaynes his Johnson.

What did the pee say when it was blocked by a kidney stone?
“Urine my way.”

What did Batman say when he had to pee?
“To the batroom!”

Yo mama so sweaty, when a dog walked up to pee on her, he changed his mind and left, thinking that someone already beat him to it.

Why can’t you hear a dinosaur pee?
Because they’re extinct.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl pee?
Because they’re dead.

What do you call an actuary taking a pee?
A math whiz.

What sound does a robot make when going to the bathroom?
Pee-poop pee-poop.

Recommended: Clean Poop Jokes

“Sixty is the worst age,” the 60-year-old claimed. “You always have the urge to pee. And the majority of the time, you stand at the toilet with nothing coming out!”
“Ah, that’s nothing,” the 70-year-old said. “You can’t even crap when you’re seventy. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the advent of the arrival, and nothing comes out!”
“In fact,” the 80-year-old said, “80 is the worst age of all!”
“Do you have difficulties peeing as well?” inquired the 60-year-old.
“No, not at all. Every morning at 6:00, I pee. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock with no problems.”
“Do you have problems crapping?” inquired the 70-year-old.
“No, I crap every morning at 6:30 and no laxatives, no waiting needed, come 6.30 it’s all out there by itself loose and fine.”
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, “Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.
So what’s so tough about being 80?” ” I don’t wake up until 7:00!”

Why did Shakespeare stop in front of the bathroom?
Because he couldn’t decide whether to pee, or not to pee.

Where do Eskimos go to pee?
The ig-loo.

When you really have to pee, your Russian to the bathroom, when you walk out, you’re Finnish, so what are you while you’re inside?

Where is the bathroom for I.T people located?
At the I Pee Address.

Why did J. K. Rowling‘s dog pee on her?
He wanted to mark his terf.

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
You can roast beef, but you can’t pee soup!

Where does Bruce Wayne pee?
In the Batroom.

A man walks into a public restroom and notices a man with no arms standing near the urinal. The armless man approaches him and asks, “Could you kindly assist me? “I need to undo my zip.”
“All right,” says the first man, pulling down the man’s zip.
“Could you take it out for me?” says the armless man.
“Um, yeah, okay,” the first man says. He pulls the armless man’s dick from his pants and finds it covered in red pimples, green veins, and brown scabs leaking with yellow pus. It stinks as well!
“Could you point it for me?” the armless man inquires.
While the armless man pees, the other man struggles to hold the awful dick steady. When he’s finished, the armless man asks, “Could you please put it back in?”
“Sure,” responds the first man.
He shakes the filthy dick dry, stuffs it back into the armless man’s pants, and ties his fly. “Thank you,” the armless man says.
”No problem.” says the first man. ”But I’ve got to ask you something. What the hell is wrong with your dick?”
The other guy pulls his arms out of his jacket and says, “I don’t know, but i sure ain’t touching it….”

Recommended: Penis Jokes

Why was number 7 covered in pee?
Because 7 said to next number “Yer an 8”.

What happens to you if you pee on the floor?
Urine trouble.

Have you not heard about the guy who drinks pee as a snack?
Urine for a treat.

What two letters are liquids, but when combined make a shelter?
T and P (Tea and pee to be a teepee).

Why don’t comedians pee sitting down?
They prefer to do stand up.

What do you call it when you go to the toilet and pass crystal clear urine?
1080 pee.

Nick’s girlfriend asked him if he had ever peed in the shower.
He said, “Yes, twice, but they were both accidents.”
She asked, “How on earth could you accidentally pee in the shower?!”
Nick said, “Well these things tend to happen when you’re taking a shit.”

A pee fetish isn’t something you do half-heartedly.
Either urine or you’re out.

What do you call Spock after he goes to the bathroom?
Sock, because he got all the Pee out of him!

Recommended: Adult Poop Jokes

Why can’t a chicken pee?
Because it eats with its pecker.

What kind of exercise do you do after having too many Starbucks?

An officer notices an elderly woman carrying two huge sacks. One of the sacks has a hole in it and is spilling $20 dollars.
“Where did an old person like you obtain all of that money?” the cop asks the woman.
“Well, there’s a golf course behind my property, and when golfers need to use the restroom, they insert their penis through a hole in my fence and pee on my yard,” she explains. It has become an issue since it kills the blooms.”
“So, what did you do about it?” the cop inquires.
“I get my hedge clippers and wait behind the fence,” the elderly lady explains. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab it and yell, “Give me $20 or I’ll pull it clean off!”
“That appears reasonable,” the detective continues, “then what’s in the second sack?”
“Not everyone pays,” the elderly lady responds.

Why is there always pee in the public showers?
Otherwise it would just be ublic showers.

Why did Captain Kirk pee on the ceiling?
He wanted to go where no one had gone before.

How do dogs communicate?
Through pee-mail.

What happens when everyone at the office has to pee at the same time?
They’re peeing in-sink.

Two women are walking home from a girls’ night out when they come upon a graveyard and stop to pee.
The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her companion, on the other hand, discovers a ribbon on a wreath and uses it.
The next day, the first woman’s husband phones the second woman’s husband, furious, “My wife came home last night without her panties!”
“That’s nothing,” says the other.
“Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, “From all of us at the fire station, we’ll never forget you.”

Where did the bee go pee?
At the BP station.

Recommended: Golden Shower Jokes

What do you call two gamers sword fighting?
Pee v pee.

What do you call snake pee?

What department does the incontinent Walmart employee work in?
Oh gee, pee!

A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:
“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”
Michael said, “Just a minute I have to go pee.”
The teacher explained, “That would be inconsiderate and rude. How about you, Sherman, how would you put it?”
Sherman said, “I’m sorry, but I really need to use the bathroom. “
“That’s better, but saying the word bathroom at the dinner table is still impolite. And you, Johnny, could you please use your head for once and show us your good manners?”
Johnny said, “I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.”

What do you call it when you record yourself peeing on twitch?
A live stream.

People ask me, do you ever pee in beer bottles?
Once in a Blue Moon.

What do you call a country filled with pee?

What do you call a possum who cant pee?

A pregnant woman is shot three times in the stomach one awful night. She visits the doctor, and thankfully, everything is alright. She gave birth to three healthy children. There are two girls and one boy.
“Mom, I was peeing today and a bullet came out,” one youngster raced to her mother. Her mother sat her down and went over everything with her. The next day, the other girl came racing to her mother with the same complaint, “Mom, I was peeing today and a bullet came out. The mother sat her down once more and described all that had transpired. “Mom, you’ll never guess what just happened,” the child rushed to his mother the next day.
The mom replied, “You were peeing and a bullet came out?”
“What? No!” replied the boy. “I was having a wank and I shot the dog.”

Why did Michael Jackson grab his crotch?
He had to Pee-hee.

Why couldn’t the chronic bed wetter print?
Could couldn’t control-pee.

What do you call an alcoholic peeing on anything?

What do you call someone who doesn’t pee?

Father looks out the window on a snowy evening.
He gets furious and turns red.
“What’s the matter, dear,” his wife asks.
“It’s our daughter’s new boyfriend. He’s written his name in the snow with pee.”
“Oh. That’s not so bad.”
“Yeah, but it’s in her handwriting.”

What’s 30 feet long and smells like pee?
Conga line at the nursing home.

What do a bass guitar solo and peeing your pants have in common?
It’s quiet and embarrassing.

Why was poop jealous of pee?
Because it was #1.

Two five-year-old boys sit on the potty to pee.
When one says, “Your thing has no skin on it!”
“I’ve had my circumcision.” said the second boy.
“What exactly does that mean?”
“That means they removed the protecting skin from the end.”
“When it was severed, how old were you?”
“My mom said that I was two days old.”
“Did it hurt?”
“You bet it hurt, I couldn’t walk for a whole year!”

What do you call a nut using the restroom?
A pee-nut.

Recommended: Nut Jokes

What will you call someone who is masturbating and peeing at the same time?

What is the water in a can of peas called?
Pea Pee.

What do you call it when a billionaire pees his pants?
Trickle-down economics!

What kind of soup do men have after sex?
Split pee.

Is it possible to pee with a boner?
Yes, it’s just harder.

Have a better pee joke? Post your own peeing puns and one-liners in the comment section!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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