50 Dirty Poop Jokes And Puns for Adults

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Jessica Amlee


Poop, the unsung hero of the digestive system, is a subject often met with a mix of disgust and childish giggles. This natural byproduct of the body’s waste management system has been a source of humor since time immemorial. Often seen as a taboo topic, it nevertheless holds a fascination for many, especially in the realms of comedy. It’s a universal experience, a daily ‘duty’ that unites us all in a shared, if slightly smelly, human experience. From the loud and proud to the silent but deadly, everyone has a story about a bathroom adventure gone awry. This common, yet somewhat embarrassing experience, sets the perfect stage for dirty poop jokes.

Dirty poop jokes, a staple of bathroom humor, are the guilty pleasure of comedy. They dive into the murky waters of what happens behind the closed bathroom door, bringing a chuckle to a subject often left unspoken. These jokes play on the awkwardness and hilarity of a situation that everyone can relate to but few dare to talk about. They’re a way to lighten up the most mundane of daily tasks, turning the throne room into a comedy club. From the struggles of a public restroom to the trials of a clogged toilet, dirty poop jokes remind us that sometimes, you just have to laugh to keep from holding your nose.

Adult Poop Jokes

How are condoms and poop bags alike?
If either one breaks at the wrong time, you could have a little sh*t on your hands.

Did you hear about the man whose girlfriend has a poop fetish?
He always gives her sh*t for it.

Why don’t blind people clean up their guide dogs’ poop?
Because they can’t see sh*t.

Yo mama breath so bad, smells like she got a m*dget tap dancing on her tongue with poop on his shoes.

Do you know that As*an girls don’t poop?
They take dumplings.

Why did the Buddhist monk poop coins?
Because change comes from within.

A man was walking through a graveyard this morning and saw someone squatting by a tombstone.
He shouted, “Morning!”
The person replied, “No, just pooping.”

How many calories does poop have?
A shitload.

Did you hear about the rooster that draws pictures of poop?
The c*ck will doodle doo.

How does someone with a poop fetish meet new people?
They slide into their BMs.

Recommended: Clean Poop Jokes for Kids

What do you call a poop in a wheelchair?
A handicrap.

Why is going to the bathroom for a poop a lot like going to the office?
You’re always rushing to it and coming out looking relieved. People think you’re doing the job in there right now but you’re actually browsing Internet because you did the job 20 minutes ago. The job actually takes only about a minute but the paperwork adds up.

What do you call a swift poop?
A shitzkrieg.

What do women and dog poop have in common?
The older they are, the easier they are to pick up.

A plumber is working on draining a septic tank when he falls in the poop and is drowned when the pipe sucks him under. At his funeral, the minister stands up and says, “We are gathered here today to remember our friend, the plumber, who was killed in the line of doody.”

What do you call a person that sells cow poop?
An entre-manure.

What do you get when you mix poop, a parrot, and a newborn puppy?
A sh*t-talking son of a b*tch.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.
Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a godd*mn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my godd*mn bed. I want a godd*mn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the godd*mn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a godd*mn new bike and I want it put under a godd*mn tarp in the godd*mn shed.”
Santa, in complete shock, pulled Little Johnny’s parents aside and said “In all my years, I have never seen a little boy with such a foul mouth.”
His parents replied “We know, but we have no idea what to do about his behavior. We’ve tried everything.”
Santa thought about it and said, “Here’s what we’ll do to teach him a lesson, every place that Johnny asks for a present, we’ll put a pile of dog poop.” The parents agreed to try Santa’s plan.
On Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and immediately looked under his bed. Seeing the pile of poop, he ran downstairs to the Christmas tree and checked underneath.
Finding another pile of poop under the tree, he ran out the door and threw open the shed door.
Finding a tarp in the shed, he quickly pulled back the tarp and found yet another pile of poop.
Johnny walked out of the shed and started looking all around the yard. After a while, his parents asked him sarcastically, “So Little Johnny, what did you get for Christmas?”
Without missing a beat, Johnny looked at his parents and said, “I think I got a god damned dog, but I can’t find the motherfucker!”

Recommended: Fart Jokes

Why is poop tapered at the ends?
So your b*tthole doesn’t slam shut.

A wife calls her mother-in-law and asks her, “If your baby puked and pooped, who should it clean it up?”
The Mother-in-law yells, “The mother!”
The wife shouts back, “Then come clean up your drunk son!”

What makes pooping in someone’s yard not passive aggressive?
Eye contact.

What’s it called when you take a poop at a bar?
Bar stool.

At birth, success is being alive. At age 3, success is not pooping your pants. At age 10, success is having friends. At age 16, success is having a driver’s license. At age 20, success is having sex. At age 30, success is having money…
At age 40, success is having money.
At age 55, success is having sex.
At age 70, success is having a driver’s license.
At age 75, success is having friends.
At age 80, success is not pooping your pants.
At age 100, success is being alive.

What do you call fish poop?
Bass terds.

What do you need in order to poop in the woods?
Toilet trees.

A man every day after work comes home kisses his wife, grabs the newspaper, and goes in the bathroom. He’s in there for 2-3 hours, and she tells him, “If you’re not careful you might poop your guts out.”
After a while, she is starting to get sick of it so one day while he’s at work, she goes to the butcher and buys a bucket of chicken guts. When she gets home, she puts them in the toilet and waits for her husband.
He comes home, goes in the bathroom, and he’s in there for 2 hours, then 4 hours, and finally 6 hours go by and his wife is getting worried. He comes out pale white and she asks him, “What’s wrong honey?” and he replied, “Honey, today I think I pooped my guts out… But don’t worry because by the grace of God and these two fingers, I got it all back in!”

Why don’t you poop out of your p*nis?
Because then it would be called a poonis.

What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
“I’m dung with this!”

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Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk.
Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot, and says, “Vietnam, 1969.”
The other points his thumb behind and says, “Dog poop, 20 feet back.”

What’s more concerning than pooping a lot out of your butt?
Pooping a lot not out of your butt.

Did you hear about the Rainbow poop?
It’s the gayest sh*t you would ever seen.

Two guys are getting really drunk at a bar and one of them proceeds to vomit all over his own shirt.
He says to his friend, “Aww man. My wife is going to kill me. She’s going to be so pissed that I got so drunk tonight.”
His friend says, “Don’t worry I have a plan .”
He tucks a $20 bill in the man’s shirt pocket and says, “Just tell your wife that it wasn’t your fault, and it was some other guy who puked on you, but was nice enough to give you 20 bucks for your cleaning bill.”
So the puke-covered fellows stumbles home and in the process wakes his wife who as predicted is incensed at the deplorable state of her husband at this late hour.
He states, “Honey it wasn’t me. There was a guy at the bar who puked all over me and gave me a 20 to get the shirt cleaned up. Just look in the pocket and you’ll find the money.”
She checks his pocket and finds two twenty dollar bills there and asks, “Where the hell did the second bill come from then?”
He smiles at her and replies, “That’s from the other guy who pooped in my pants.”

What do you call your stepdad’s poop?
Your step-stool.

What frozen alcoholic beverage should you drink if you need to poop?
A Piña Colonic.

A farmer shoves his hand up his cow’s rear end and rubs the poop on his chapped lips.
His son asks, “Does that help your chapped lips?”
The farmer replied, “No, but it stops me from licking them.”

What do you call a planet that poops?

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What do you call taking a poop with herpes?
Sh*t on a shingle.

What do you say when an episode of explosive diarrhea turns into a round of smooth poop?
What a wondrous turd of events.

Two men are deep in the woods, hunting when one of them realizes he has to poop.
He turns to the other man, and says, “What do I use to wipe myself?”
“Use a dollar, then toss it in the bush,” the other man replies. So after about twenty minutes, man number one comes back, covered in sh*t.
His hunting partner, filled with surprise and disgust, said, “What happened?! I thought I told you to use a dollar!”
To which the man replied, “I did! Three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel!”

Do you know why it’s best to have an*l sex with poor people?
You don’t have to worry about poop on your dick.

What do 911 and pooping have in common?
The droppings.

A woman pregnant with triplets is the victim of a shooting.
The doctor tells her, “The good news is you and your children are going to be fine, it’s just that the bullets have been lodged in their stomachs. Don’t worry, because they will eventually exit their system naturally.”
The mother had her triplets months later, two girls and a boy. Years had passed before one of the girls came to her mom and said, “Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out.” The mother explained what had happened to her at the bank. It wasn’t too long before her second daughter told her, “Mom, I was pooping when all of a sudden a bullet came out.” Again, the mother explained what had happened, and they all went on with their lives.
Around a month later, her son came up to her and said, “Mom, I’ve done a terrible thing.”
“Let me guess, you pooped out a bullet?”
“No, I was masturbating and I shot the dog!”

What does a poop use to write about its day?
A diarrhea.

Did you hear about the movie Constipation?
It never came out.

The patient goes to see a doctor, “I am pooping like noodles!”
“Like literally, my poop is shaped like noodles,” the patient says as he sits down in the consulting room.
Doc is dumbfounded. In all his years of training and practice, he hasn’t encountered a symptom like this. He thinks hard and prescribes some antibiotics, hoping they will solve the problem. Doc asks the patient to come back in two weeks.
After two weeks, the patient re-enters the clinic. “Well?” the doctor asks. “I am still pooping like noodles,” the patient replies. This time doc demands a sample for a lab test. The patient dutifully produces one, and indeed it is shaped like spaghetti! After much deliberation, the doctor consults senior doctors from the hospital, and all agree to start the patient with more aggressive antibiotics and some other experimental medication.
The patient comes back in two weeks. This time all the doctors are assembled in this examination room. “Well?” the doctor asks. “Alas, no relief, doc!” says the patient. The doctor is now part angry, part frustrated, part confused. He asks the patient to leave another sample. “Wait,” the doc says, “this time, if you don’t mind, I will accompany you to the toilet.” The patient says okay.
Both walk in. After 5 mins, the doc walks out triumphantly, with a big grin. “Problem solved!” he declares to all assembled doctors. “Well, what was it?” they all ask.
The doc says, “I asked him to remove the fishnet stocking this time before getting to the business.”

What did Wolverine & Jean Val Jean say when they pooped themselves?
“I had a Hugh Jackcident!”

What did the Amish man say when his donkey pooped in the watering hole?
“Well sh*t.”

What do you call a pigeon that is full of poop that flies in front of a car?
A suicide bomber.

Two scientists going for a hike on a hill see a big pile of poop.
One of them said pointing, “That poop is made by a male”. The other one looks for a few seconds at the poop, “Nope, that’s a female poop, no question about it”.
They argue for a few minutes and seeing that they are getting nowhere they decide to ask a shepherd that was watching his sheep nearby.
The shepherd studies the poop from all angles for a few minutes, pokes at it with a stick, and then decides, “This poop is made by a male”.
“How do you know?” says the scientists.
“Well,” says the shepherd, “there are three reasons: 1. look where the pee is, 2. a girl would not poop on a flower… and 3. I pooped here about half an hour back.”

How much time take a black woman to poop?
9 months.

Do you have a dirty poop joke? Write down your own adult poop puns in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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