60 Funny Putin Jokes That’ll Make You Vlad You Clicked

Updated on:

Jessica Amlee


Vladimir Putin – the man, the myth, the meme! Russia’s long-serving leader is an enigma wrapped in a mystery, wrapped in a judo gi. When he’s not wrestling bears or taking topless selfies on horseback, he’s running one of the world’s largest countries with the kind of stoic face that makes the Mona Lisa look like a giggly schoolgirl. Sure, he may be responsible for policies and politics that have consequential impacts worldwide, but hey, let’s not forget his surprising second act as an internet sensation and comedic goldmine!

So, why do people in the Western world find Putin so laughably fascinating? Well, let’s just say he’s the perfect blend of James Bond villain and Instagram influencer. Comedy is often about contrasts, and Putin delivers that in spades. The guy’s a political strongman with the online presence of a teenage social media queen. Plus, in an age where leaders are expected to be transparent and politically correct, Putin’s hyper-masculine, enigmatic persona is ripe for parody. Imagine the leader of the free world tweeting dad jokes and diplomatic niceties, while Putin’s out there like, “New phone, who dis?” Humor is often a lens through which we process the inexplicable, and let’s face it, Putin’s existence is something even Tolstoy would have trouble explaining.

Best Putin Jokes

Did you hear about the comedian who these jokes making fun of Putin?
The jokes aren’t that good, but you would like the execution.

Did you hear that Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote last time?
Funnily enough, the exact same percent you will give yourself when the teacher says that you could mark our own tests and you didn’t want to look suspicious.

What do Putin, Batman, and Will Smith have in common?
They all attacked a comedian.

Yo mama so fat, she visited Russia cause she thought Putin meant fries, gravy, and cheese.

Why is Putin in such a hurry to get into Ukraine?
Because he’s always Russian.

Putin at the airport.
Vladimir Putin arrives at an airport and gets in line at the customs desk.
Customs officer: Occupation?
Putin: No, just visiting.

Why should you never accept tea offered by the Russian President?
You don´t know what Vladimir Putin.

What are Russian computers best for?

Putin thought that taking Kyiv was just a matter of painting letters on tanks.
It was easier Z than done.

Can a woman be the president of Russia?
No because Putin is not a woman.

Knock, knock.
Not Vladimir Putin.
(Not Vladimir Putin who?)
Seriously, stop it.

Do you know which politician has the worst pull out game?
Vladimir Putin.

What do you get if you cross Putin with a…
Bang! You don’t cross Putin!

How do Putin opponents commit suicide?
Two bullets to the back of the head.

What did Putin say to Ukraine after invading?
Crimea River.

Putin, Biden, and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon and it’s starting to lose altitude. They need to lose some weight to stop from crashing.
Putin throws out a bottle of vodka and says, “Don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my country anyway”
Biden throws out an AR-15 and says, “Don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my country anyway”
Zelensky throws out Putin and says, “Don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my country anyway” and looks at Biden smugly as they crash anyways due to the massive weight of Zelensky’s balls.

Recommended: Political Jokes

Vladimir Putin consulted with a fortune teller.
He asked, “How long will I live?”

Why didn’t Putin visit the Queen?
He can’t handle UK rain.

Yo mama so fat, she was used as a tank in Putin’s war.

The psychic replied, “I cannot tell that but I do know you will die on a Ukrainian holiday.”
“Which holiday?” Putin asked.
“Whichever day you die will be a Ukrainian holiday.”

What happens when you don’t obey the KGB?
You get Putin jail.

When will Putin resign as president?
At the coronation.

What is Putin’s favorite card game?

A man is on a street corner in Moscow yelling, “The president is an idiot.”
Police surround him and handcuff him. They say, “It is illegal to insult President Putin!”
He says, “You don’t understand I mean the Ukrainian president, Zelensky, he is the one I was insulting.”
The police captain says, “You can’t fool us, everyone knows who the idiot is!”

Why doesn’t Putin use his own hands when he sends a text?
Cause he’s more of a dictator.

Recommended: In Soviet Russia Jokes

Why did Putin cross the road?
To annex the chicken’s territory.

Where does Putin keep his armies?
In his sleevies.

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon.
The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said, “No. That’s why we want to go to the moon.”

Why are Russian cars so terrible?
Because no matter what gear they get Putin, they seem to always be Stalin.

Why is Russia planning to have Vladimir Putin buried 100 feet deep?
Because they all know that deep down he is a very good leader.

How does Putin stay so thin?
He’s always purging.

Russian Prime Minister Mishustin comes to Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.
“I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4 am but I thought it was only evening. I called Olaf Scholz to congratulate him on his birthday and he told me he had it yesterday. I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow.”
“Indeed,” Putin replies. “But that’s only minor stuff.”
“Remember when that plane crashed with Prigozhin on board? I called his family to express my condolences, but the plane hadn’t taken off yet!!”

What’s Putin’s favorite doughnut shop?
Krispy Kremelin.

How did Putin propose to Trump?
He went to Jared.

Recommended: Trump Jokes

What did Donald Trump answer when Putin asked him what the J in his name stands for?

What does Putin say when something doesn’t go his way?

Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-Un have a meeting.
They took place on a skyscraper in Moscow. Putin and Kim sat on a table facing each other, while a bodyguard stood behind them each.
Putin and Kim argued about whose bodyguard is more loyal. To show his loyalty, Putin ordered his bodyguard to jump out of the window. His bodyguard was surprised and bewildered; after some hesitation, he knelt his knee over his president and cried: “Please spare me, my president. I have a wife and children.” Putin felt sorry; he patted his shoulder and told him it was just a joke.
Watching them, Kim snorted and ordered his bodyguard to jump out of the window. His bodyguard was surprised and bewildered, but soon he shouted and ran to the window. Putin was surprised; he ran and grabbed that bodyguard; yelling “Are you crazy? We’re at skyscraper!”
Then the bodyguard yelled, with fear in his eyes, “Get off me! I have a wife and children!”

Have you heard about Vladimir Putin’s Jamaican cousin?
His name is Ras Putin.

What’s the difference between Putin and poutine?
Some American people actually like poutine more.

Who is Putin’s rival?

Stalin appears to Putin in a dream.
“Why is everything here so bad?” asks Putin, “What can I do to make Russia great again?”
Stalin replies, “Execute half of your population and paint the Kremlin blue.”
“Why blue?” asks the inquisitive Putin.
“I knew you wouldn’t object to the first part,” says Stalin.

What do you call a happy Vladimir Putin?
Gladimir Putin.

What’s Putin’s favorite naval vessel?

Recommended: Kim Jong Un Jokes

What is Vladimir Putin’s favorite candy?

A Russian had a talking parrot that constantly trashed Putin. When the man’s friends came over he’d take out the parrot and the bird would stuff like, “Putin is a moron”, “Putin without a shirt looks like a ballerina”, and “Putin cannot swim cuz sh!t floats.”
One day banging on the door, “KGB open up!” The man panics and hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB ransacks the house and can’t find the parrot. After they leave the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and says, “You see how stupid the government is.” The parrot shakes and starts saying, “Putin is a genius”, and “Putin is the best democratic leader in the Free world!” The man is shocked and says, “C’mon curse them.”
The parrot shivering looks at the man and says, “I just came back from Siberia, leave me alone.”

What is Russia’s favorite song?
“Putin on the ritz.”

What does Vladimir Putin call Ukraine?

Why was Putin traveling to South Africa?

Vladimir Putin confronts his speechwriter after giving a speech.
“You said my speech would be 15 minutes long, but I had to speak for 45 minutes!” Putin exclaims.
His speechwriter replies, “Mr President, I gave you three copies.”

How does a Russian mail a letter?
Putin the mailbox.

You::Who’s the president of Russia?
Your friend: Vladimir Putin.
You: Vladimir Putin deez nuts in your mouth.

How does Putin commit copyright infringement?
By replicating what Hitler did in the 30s.

What is another difference between Putin and Hilter?
Putin no longer supplies gas and Hitler gives it away for free

Putin goes undercover as a drill sergeant. Here is the conversation that takes place while talking to a new recruit.
Putin: Where are you from, private?
New Recruit: Sir, St. Petersburg
Putin: Oh, I’m from there too. Who’s your father?
New Recruit: Sir, my father is President Vladimir Putin.
Putin: That is impossible, how can that be?
New Recruit: Sir, people always say that President Putin is father of our country.
Surprised but pleased, Putin tell the recruit: That actually makes sense, but really who’s your mother then?
New Recruit: Sir, my mother is Russia.
Putin: How so?
New Recruit: Because people always say Russia is the mother of all people, all ethnic, all nations.
Laughing out loud, Putin likens the new recruit with great hope and asks him friendly: Spectacular private, what role model do you want to become?
New Recruit: I want to be an orphan, sir.

What does an impatient Russian hooker say?
“Quit Stalin and Putin already!”

Interviewer: Comrade Putin, is it true that you collect political jokes?
Putin: Yes.
Interviewer: And how many have you collected so far?
Putin: Three and a half prisons.

What do you call it when Vladimir Putin is arguing with someone?

Putin is visiting a big factory for a photo op, and he decides to get the opinions of the common man. He walks up to one of the line workers and says, “My friend, I hear alcoholism is a big problem in Russia. Tell me, do you think you could still do your job if you drank a bottle of vodka in the morning?”
The worker thinks and says, “Well… I suppose so.”
Putin frowns because that wasn’t the answer he was expecting, but presses on, “Do you think you could still do your job if you’d had two bottles of vodka in the morning?” The worker nods and says he probably could. Putin, now becoming exasperated, asks, “What if you’d had three bottles?”
The worker replies, “I’m here, aren’t I?”

What did Vladimir Putin think to himself when he was finally relieved of his constipation?
“Gladimhere Poopin!”

Putin nowadays be like: all I want is peace.
“A piece of Ukraine.”

Do you have a funny Putin joke? Write down your own Putin puns in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

3 thoughts on “60 Funny Putin Jokes That’ll Make You Vlad You Clicked”

Leave a Comment