Rabbis and priests are like the spiritual dynamic duo of the religious world, albeit from different comic book franchises. Rabbis are the Jewish religion’s main stars, known for leading congregations, diving deep into Torah studies, and offering sage advice with a side of brisket. Meanwhile, priests, the MVPs of Catholicism, don their collars to serve up sacraments, guide their flock, and ensure everyone’s confession booth stories stay more secretive than a superhero’s identity.
Now, let’s journey into the holy land of humor. Why are Rabbi and Priest jokes such a hit? Think of them as a divine odd couple. When two religious figures walk into a bar (or any setup, really), you know the punchline’s going to be celestial! Comedy loves contrast, and placing two distinct figures like these in a shared punchline provides ample opportunity for divine comedy.
Also, humor is a way to bridge cultural gaps and understand our differences while chuckling at shared quirks. So, when a Rabbi and a Priest step into a joke, it’s not just about the laughter; it’s a communion of cultures, a fellowship of funnies. And amen to that!
Best Rabbi and Priest Jokes
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar.
The rabbit says, “Well I was clearly a typo.”
What’s the difference between a Rabbi and a Priest?
Both have different rituals for 13-year-old boys.
A minister, a priest, and a rabbi all walk into a bar.
While rubbing his head, the priest said, “I think they should put that thing a little higher.”
A priest, a rabbi, and an imam all walk into the bar.
They were all eliminated from the interfaith regional limbo competition but were awarded wonderful consolation prizes.
A priest, a rabbi, a shaman, a duck, and a horse all walk into a bar.
And the bartender says “What is this, some kind of joke?!”
A priest and rabbi are having lunch together. The rabbi has some matzo bread to eat, and the priest has a ham sandwich. The priest says to the rabbi, “Man, I know you have your religious prohibition on ham, but let me tell you, just once, you ought to see your way clear to having some of this absolutely wonderful parma ham.”
The rabbi says, “OK, I will.”
The priest says, “Really? When?”
The rabbi replies, “At your wedding.”
A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar.
The priest orders a whisky sour, the rabbi orders a red wine, and all three of them died in agony and put those they were close to in critical condition because they couldn’t just stay the f*ck home.
Recommended: Clean Priest Jokes
A Priest, Rabbi, and Atheist walk into a bar and each ask for a drink.
The bartender, saying nothing and looking disdainful, points to a sign clearly labeled: NO JOKES SERVED HERE.
Without a fight the Priest, Rabbi, and Atheist leave the bar, heads hanging.
The next day a chicken walks in and plops down on the barstool.
Wiping the inside of a glass, the bartender approaches and asks the chicken “Are you part of this joke?”
“Yeah.” the chicken replies.
Again, he points to the sign: NO JOKES SERVED HERE.
The chicken argues “Well then how’s a chicken supposed to get his beak wet?”
The bartender moves his pointed finger from the sign to the window.
“There’s another bar across the road.”
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”
The horse says, “No, but I did see a priest and a rabbi walk in behind me.”
A rich man died and left $2 million each to a rabbi, a priest, and an imam.
He stipulated in his will that half the money must be buried with him in the grave.
At his funeral, the priest gets up, gives a short speech, and tosses $1 million into the grave.
The imam gets up, says a few words, and drops $1 million into the open grave.
Finally, the rabbi gets up, smiles, pulls out a check for $1 million, and drops it in the grave.
A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar.
They both hit their head and fall down.
A Catholic priest, a Protestant pastor, and a Jewish rabbi are playing poker.
Now, this was back during the times of the German Empire when poker was highly illegal and the police were quite antisemitic. And as bad luck would have it, a raid happens. They can get rid of the cards, but it’s still kind of obvious what’s going on.
“Confess! You have been playing poker!”
“Me?”, said the priest, “No, I swear, by the Virgin Mary!”
Hmm. Ok, a priest swearing on the virgin, he can’t arrest him.
“Me?”, the pastor said, “No, I swear by our savior Jesus Christ!”
Hmm. Can’t arrest a pastor swearing on the Christ, but no matter what the Jew would swear on, he’s due!
“So, Jew, what do you want to swear on?”
“Swear?”, the Rabbi asks, “Why should I need to swear, do you think I played poker against myself?”
A priest, a rabbi, and a lama walk into a place of worship.
It’s probably not the same one.
The rabbi moves next to the priest.
On the first day, the priest sees how dirty is the car of the rabbi, and he washes the vehicle, as an act of courtesy. When he wakes up the next morning he hears the sound of a hack saw. He looks through the window and sees that the rabbi just cut down the end of his car’s exhaust pipe. The priest is very upset and runs from the house, while he is crying.
He asks, “Why did you do that?”
The rabbi replies, “You just baptized my car, so I circumcise your car.”
There is a Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist in a boat fishing.
The priest says, “Oh heavens, I forgot my lures back on land” and steps out of the boat, walks across the water back to the land, and grabs his lures before walking back to the boat.
The atheist was astounded, but before he could make sense of the situation, the rabbi says “Oh Hashem help me, I forgot my bait!” And he also steps out of the boat and walks across the water back to the land to grab his bait, before walking back to the boat.
The atheist was stunned, but refusing to believe in the divinity of any sort or its impact on the world, he says, “Yeah… I left my extra line on land”. The atheist hips out of the boat and onto the water, and goes to walk across, but falls right through to the bottom of the lake.
After a moment the priest looks at the rabbi and says, “Come to think of it, we probably should have told him where the rocks were.”
A priest gets a haircut and a shave, and asks the barber, “How much do I owe you?”
The barber says, “For a man of the cloth like yourself, father, no charge!”
The next morning when the barber opens the shop, he finds a bouquet of 12 flowers on his doorstep.
Later that day a Buddhist monk is in getting his head shaved. “How much do I owe you?” Asks the monk. The barber replies, “For an enlightened man such as yourself, no charge”
The next morning when the barber comes to open the shop he finds 12 gems on his doorstep.
Later that day a rabbi comes in to get his beard lightly trimmed and a haircut. “How much do I owe you?” Asks the rabbi. “For a man of god such as yourself, no charge,” answered the barber.
The next morning when the barber comes to open the shop he finds 12 rabbis on his doorstep.
A Rabbi and his friend, a Catholic priest, were having a discussion.
when the rabbi asked, “Could you ever be promoted within your church?”
The priest responded, “Well, one day, I hope to become a bishop.”
The rabbi asked, “And then?”
The priest thought for a second and responded, “Well, then I might become a cardinal.”
The rabbi again asked, “And then?”
The priest again pondered the question before responding “Then I would become Pope!”
The rabbi, still unsatisfied, asked “And then?”
The priest, exasperated, cried “What else could I become? God Himself!?”
The rabbi quietly responded, “One of our boys made it!”
Recommended: Christ Jokes
A preacher, priest, and rabbi walk into a bar.
They sit down and have a chat. Eventually, they begin to discuss how they manage their living expenses.
The preacher says, “On Sundays, we have a collection. At the end of the day, I draw a line on the floor and throw all the money in the air. Whatever lands on the other side of the line is for the church and whatever lands on my side I keep.”
The priest says, “Oh, I do something very similar except I draw a circle. I throw the money in the air, whatever lands in the circle belongs to the church, and whatever lands outside of it I keep.”
The rabbi says, “Oh, I do something very similar as well. I take the money and throw it in the air, whatever God wants he takes and whatever falls back down is mine.”
Two nuns walk into a bar.
The bartender is surprised and then asks them, “I’m sorry, sisters, but are you sure this is the right place for you?”
“We know it’s not, but the reverend told us to help sinful souls. We thought we could find one here.”
The next day, two rabbis walk into the bar. The bartender also asks them.
“We know this is a sinful place, but the synagogue is just being renovated, and we thought we would sit here to discuss religious issues.”
On the third day, two Irish priests walk into the bar. The bartender asks one of them,
“Father, I’m surprised to see you here.”
“Why, my son?”
“It’s only 10 a.m., and I’ve never seen you here before 11!”
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:
“When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.
“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
An old Jewish man is on his deathbed.
And he asks for a priest. “A priest?” asks his concerned wife. “Don’t you mean a rabbi?” No, no.” is he adamant, “a priest, a Catholic priest.” His wife, fearing he is losing his mind, is still not convinced. “What do you need a priest for?” “I want to convert.”
Their wife is naturally shocked. “Convert? Are you insane? You’ve been a Jew your whole life. We raised our children as Jews. We helped raise our grandchildren as Jews. And now, after all this, you want to convert?”
“Yes.” he nods. “You are right, I’ve been a faithful Jew all my life so I think it’s better a Catholic dies than a Jew.”
A man was very fond of his new Corvette. So, he invited a Rabbi, a Priest, and a Pastor to come and bless it.
The Priest sprinkled the car with holy water and chanted in Latin, the Pastor invoked the name of god and led everyone into silent prayer, and the Rabbi sang a hymn and cut of the tip of the car’s tailpipe.
The rabbi said to the priest, “Why haven’t I seen you riding your bicycle to mass lately?”
The priest replied that his bike had been stolen and he had been forced to walk to mass every day. “The worst part do it all,” he said. “Is that I think someone from my congregation stole it.”
The rabbi offered some advice, “During your next sermon, bring up the 10 commandments. When you get to thou shall not steal, really emphasize it for a while. If the person who stole it is your congregation they will feel guilty and return it.”
“Thanks for the advice” replied the priest, “I’ll have to give that a try.”
The next week the rabbi saw the priest riding through town. “I see you’ve got your bike back. Did the sermon work?”
“Well”, said the priest, “It kind of did. I brought up the 10 commandments and when I got to adultery, I suddenly remembered where I had left my bike!”
A Jew comes to his Rabbi.
And said, “Rabbi, hear my lament. I had a son, my only son, and he was a good son. Best student at the university. Was about to become a great doctor at Jerusalem Hospital. What does this nudnik? Falls in love with a goy and converts to the Catholic faith! What should I do?”
The Rabbi said, “Oh how could I help you? You see, my son, my only son, he was such a good son. The best Talmud student was about to become a rabbi like me. Travels to Europe just once, talks to a priest, and now he wants to become a catholic priest! Let’s pray, maybe the Lord knows a solution.”
And they prayed. And indeed, the Lord came to them.
“Lord!”, they said, “hear our lament.”
“Oh how could I help you?”, the Lord said, “You see, my son, my only son…”
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?” The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.”
The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?” To which the rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.” The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate? The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.” The rabbi then asked him, “Have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?” The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith and made love to a woman.”
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, “Beats a f*cking ham sandwich, doesn’t it?”
A Priest and a Rabbi are going for a walk.
After some time of walking and because it’s such a hot summer day, they decide to go skinny dipping in a Lake nearby.
After a long and refreshing swim, they return to the shore and find their clothes missing.
They both decide to risk it and return home as fast as possible.
As luck will have it, while on their way back they run into a group of people.
The Priest covers his genitals, while the Rabbi covers his face.
After the People have left the Priest asks the Rabbi, “What was that supposed to be?”
The Rabbi smiled, “Well my Friend, my community recognizes me by my face.”
Recommended: Church Jokes
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having a beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.” Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation as well.” Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, “What a terrible pity, one of the girls must be dying.
A rabbi and a priest get into a huge car accident.
After both of them crawl out of their cars, the rabbi looks and the priest and says:
“Look at that! Both of our cars are completely demolished, and yet here we are alive and well! This must be a sign from God that we should become good friends!”
The Priest, looking at the total wreckage of both cars agrees
The rabbi then grabs something from his destroyed car and says, “And look at that, even though everything in my car is destroyed, this bottle of expensive wine is not broken. This is also a sign from God that we should open it now and drink together to celebrate our new friendship!”.
The priest agrees.
The rabbi then hands the wine bottle to the priest and he takes a few big chugs from it. He then hands it back to the rabbi.
The rabbi immediately puts the bottle cap on and hands it back to the priest.
The priest, confused, asks “Aren’t you going to drink some?”
The rabbi then says, “You know… I think I’ll wait for the police to arrive!”
A priest and a rabbi are standing on the side of the road holding a sign that says, “TURN AROUND! THE END IS NIGH!!!”
A young man passing by in a car slows down and sticks his head out of the window to shout at them, “Get f*cked, you religious freaks” and zooms ahead at full speed.
Moments later, they hear a yell followed by a loud splash.
The rabbi turns to the priest and says, “I told you we should have just written ‘Warning. Bridge collapsed.'”
A rabbi and a priest are running out of a burning church. The following conversation ensues.
Priest: What about the children?
Rabbi: F*ck the children!
Priest: You think we’ll have time?
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.
The rabbi told him he wouldn’t know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he’d stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. After a few minutes, a woman enters and says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
The priest asks, “What did you do?”.
The woman says, “I committed adultery.”
The Priest asked, “How many times?”
The Woman answered, “Three times.”
The Priest says, “Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.”
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional.
He says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
The Priest asks, “What did you do?”
The man replies, “I committed adultery.”
Priest asks, “How many times?”
The man replies, “Three times.”
Priest says, “Say two Hail Mary’s put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.”
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he’s got it, so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”
Rabbi asks, “What did you do?”
The woman replies, “I committed adultery.”
Rabbi asks, “How many times?”
The woman replies, “Once.”
Rabbi says, “Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.”
What’s the difference between a rabbi, a priest, and a gay man?
The rabbi says, “Amain” while the priest says, “Amen!”
And the gay man, says “Ahh, men!”
Recommended: Adult Priest Jokes
A rabbi, a Hindu priest, and a politician went on a hike.
Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen.
They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.
The farmer said, “Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn.”
The Hindu priest said, “I need no material comforts. I will gladly take the barn.”
The rabbi and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the Hindu priest standing there.
“So sorry, my friends, but there is a cow in the barn, and I cannot sleep beside such a holy animal.”
The rabbi said, “No problem, my brother. I’ll take the barn.
The Hindu priest and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the rabbi standing there.
“So sorry, my friends, but there’s a pig in the barn, and I can’t sleep beside such a filthy animal.”
The politician said, “OK, let it be remembered that I sacrificed my comfort for the greater good.”
The rabbi and the Hindu priest were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the pig and the cow standing there.
What do you get when you cross a priest and a rabbi?
A guy who f*cks kids and then asks for their money.
Do you have a funny Rabbi and Priest joke? Write down your own religious puns in the comment section below!