80 Funny Cancer Jokes And Puns for Twisted Laughs

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Jessica Amlee


Cancer is a group of diseases characterized by the uncontrolled growth and spread of abnormal cells. If left untreated, cancer cells can invade nearby tissues and can spread to other parts of the body through the bloodstream and lymphatic system. There are many different types of cancer, including breast, lung, prostate, and colon cancer, among others. Cancer can develop due to a variety of factors, including genetics, lifestyle choices, and environmental exposure to carcinogens. The exact cause of cancer is not fully understood, and the treatment options vary depending on the type and stage of cancer.

People make jokes about cancer as a way to deal with their fear, sadness, and anger about the disease. Humor can be a coping mechanism and help people feel less overwhelmed and more in control. However, it’s important to note that not everyone may find cancer-related jokes funny, and they can be insensitive and hurtful to some people who have been affected by cancer. It’s always best to be considerate of others and choose humor that is respectful and appropriate.

Dark Cancer Jokes

How is dark humor like cancer?
It’s even funnier when children get it.

Why do people say cancer is hard to beat?
“I’m already on Stage 4.”

Did you hear about the story of the husband who told his wife she’d look sexier with her hair back?
Apparently, that’s not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.

What do you and cancer have in common?
Nobody wants you inside of them.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Cancer who?)
Can Sir. Harrington see the doctor now?

A doctor says, “The good news is it’s all in your head.”
“The bad news is it’s brain cancer.”

A young man cracked a joke about dementia to his friend on the bus. The old man sitting next to him politely asked. “Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?”
He replied, “Yes I cancer.” Then he cracked tumor.

EMINEM: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WebMD: Cancer.

Have you heard the saying “Smoking causes cancer?”
But it cures salmon.

How did the terminal cancer patient do in school?
He passed.

How many cancer patients does it take to change a light bulb?
1 and 12 people to say how inspiring it was.

Adam gave Sally 3 flowers and 1 stuffed animal. Kristen gave Sally 5 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. What does Sally have?

Did you hear about Johnny’s grandfather who developed cancer in his early twenties?
He is considered to be the most evil scientist that ever lived.

How do you know that vaccines cause cancer?
You’ll actually live long enough to get it.

Did you hear about the testicular cancer survivor who won the lottery?
When he found out, the guy went nut.

What kind of cancer was Jar Jar diagnosed with?

The ghostbusters entered the hospital to see their friend who has been diagnosed with cancer.
When they walk in they’re stopped by a doctor who says, “Sorry no spawn camping.”

Karen: Hello, Dr. Doctor: I haven’t been feeling well recently. I’ve reviewed your lab reports, and I’m afraid I have some bad news for you.
Karen: You bureaucratic document pusher, don’t give me this lab bullshit! In any case, I don’t trust Western medicine! I’ve always believed in homeopathy, faith-based techniques, and healing crystals, and they’ve never let me down. Will you now handle things my way, or do I need to speak with hospital management?
Doctor: Sure thing, woman. We’ll follow your way. Does an astrological approach suit you?
Karen: That’s much better! Naturally, it would!
Doctor: What’s your birth sign?
Karen: Cancer.
Doctor: Well what a f*cking coincidence.

Recommended: Dark Jokes

Did you hear about the boy who started smoking for this girl who told her she was into people with cancer?
Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway, I’ve got three months to live.

Buzzfeed employee is diagnosed with stage 2 brain cancer.
Doctor: Number 4 will blow your mind.

What did the disabled boy get for Christmas?

How is the 85-year-old Contractor that survived lung cancer doing?
Asbestos he can.

A man diagnosed with cancer was given six months to live, but he worked hard and proved them wrong.
He killed himself three hours later.

What do you call a fish looking for cancer treatment?
Finding chemo.

Where do fashionable kids with cancer like to shop for clothes?
Never 21.

Son visits the doctor with his father. The doctor informs them that their father is dying of cancer.
Father informs his son that he has had a good long life and wants to celebrate by stopping at the boozer on the way home.
The father runs into several of his buddies at the pub. He informs them that he is dying from AIDS. The news stunned and saddened his friends. They offered to pay the bill and buy extra drinks. The group had a great time telling stories and saying their goodbyes to the father.
When the friends left, the son inquires, “You’re dying of cancer, Dad. Why did you tell them you were dying from AIDS?”
The father replies, “I don’t want them f*cking your mother after I’m gone!”

Why do people think that cancer is so hard to beat
“I’m already at stage 4…..”

Recommended: AIDS Jokes

What do a good joke and a child with cancer have in common?
They never get old.

What type of cancer is an anarchist immune to?

What’s the best vitamin for cancer patients?

What do you call a cancer doctor who works 24/7?
An on-call ogist.

How did the grammar nazi die?
They got semicolon cancer.

Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.
Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”
His roommate replies, “Canadian.”
Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”
The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”
Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommate, “Cancer.”
His roommate replies back, “Virgo.”

What is the difference between smoking and Gollum?
One can give you cancer and the other’s just a bad hobbit.

Why did the English professor have to visit his proctologist?
Because he had semi-colon cancer.

What do you call a cancer doctor who has to work after hours?
An on-call-ogist.

Do you know what they say about testicular cancer?
It takes balls.

Why did the beef brisket catch lung cancer?
It smoked for 6 hours.

What kind of treatment does a clownfish need when it gets cancer?
Nemo therapy.

A man walks into a doctor’s clinic.
After running tests the doctor says to the guy, “I’m sorry but I have two bits of bad news.”
“The first is that you have cancer.”
The guy goes, “Well shit. What’s the other bad news?”
The doctor says, “You have Alzheimer’s.”
The guy says, “Well, at least I don’t have cancer.”

Dr. Seuss cheated on his wife for 13 years while she was battling cancer and then married his mistress after she died.
He really said, “One bitch, two bitch, dead bitch, new bitch.”

What religious group has more cases of cancer than any other?
Catholics, there have new masses every week.

What’s worse than crab on your piano?
Cancer on your organs.

Recommended: Smoking Jokes

What did Tonto call The Lone Ranger when he got cancer?

A man visits the neighborhood pharmacist after his wife is diagnosed with terminal cancer.
“You must assist me,” the man says. “The doctor predicted that my wife will die on Wednesday.”
“Say no more!” exclaims the apothecary, handing the man a container of tablets. “Please instruct your wife to take these.”
The man follows orders and returns to the pharmacy.
“Did that work?” inquires the apothecary.
“My wife took the tablets and she died!” exclaims the man.
“Yes, but not on Wednesday.”

What do you call incurable cancer?

What did the oncologist say to his mum when he couldn’t figure out what cancer she had?

What type of disease are politicians afraid of?
Pro-state cancer.

What do you call the grizzly that told Goldilocks she has cancer?
The bear of bad news.

Did you know the English alphabet can give you skin cancer?
It’s because of the UV.

What do you do when your pet dinosaur gets cancer?
Take it to a paleoncologist.

Recommended: Physical Therapy Jokes

On Christmas Day, a young child phones his best friend.
“HEY! “How did you spend your Christmas?” “Well, I got a gift card and a t-shirt…you?” replies the second small kid.
“Oh man, I got a new scooter, a new 3DS XL,” the first small child exclaims. A PlayStation Vita. On Friday, we were going to Disneyland on a new bike. I can’t believe you only got a gift card and a t-shirt!” “Well…at least I don’t have cancer,” says the second little child.

Why did the talk show host get cancer?
Because he was really radio-active.

Did you hear about the party for testicular cancer survivors?
Everyone had a ball.

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?”
Horse: I have cancer.

What do you call it when a dying cancer patient busts out some sick rhymes at a train station?
Terminally ill.

What did the man with spinal cancer say?
My back is killing me!

What’s it called when you laugh so hard that you get immune cancer?

What do amnesia and breast cancer have in common?
They both cause you to lose your mammaries.

How much cancer is too much?
Two more.

Recommended: ADHD Jokes

A pirate goes to the doctor.
He was worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous.
The doctor inspects them. “It’s ok,” he says. “They’re benign.”
The pirate replies “Check ’em again matey, I think there be at least ten!”

Which pawn stores give you cancer?
The ones full of second-hand smoke.

What is the zodiac sign your grandma doesn’t want to have?
A cancer.

How do ancient elephants scan for cancer?
With a mammothgram.

What helps against gum in your hair?

What’s smelly, yellow, and has thirteen breasts?
The trash bin from a cancer centre.

An elderly Jewish man is dying on his deathbed, surrounded by his wife Becky. “Many years ago, Becky, we were in Germany when the war started,” he adds to her. “Becky, you were there for me.”
“The Germans arrived and led us to their camps. Becky, you were there for me.”
“We leave Germany after the war and arrive in London with very little money. Becky, you were there for me.”
“We bought the jewelers shop and had some poor luck, being battered and robbed. Becky, you were there for me.”
“We were there for many years, however, we, unfortunately, lost the shop. Becky, you were there for me.”
“We lose our house and Becky, you were still by my side.”
“We have many, many bad times, and Becky, you are always there, right by my side.”
“And here I am. I have cancer and I am dying and Becky, once again, you are by my side.”
“Becky, I think that you are a bloody jinx.”

Did you hear about the comedy club donating proceeds to breast cancer research?
They called it “groaners for boners”.

Who treated Missy Elliott’s ass cancer?
A Badonkadoncologist.

What is the purpose of a breast cancer awareness week?
To keep cancer from getting the breast of us.

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What did they call cancer in the dark ages?
Damn cells in distress.

What did the doctor say to the 1920’s architect with lung cancer?
We’ll take care of it asbestos possible.

What type of medical condition excites politicians?
Pro-state cancer.

A woman goes to the doctor complaining of stomach cramps.
She gets sent off for some tests and comes back a week later.
“Well, I hope you’re ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty diapers!” the doc says.
“Wow, you mean I’m pregnant?” the woman replies thrilled.
“No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

What’s ten feet long and bald?
The conga line in the cancer ward.

What do you call a kid with cancer walking through the airport?

What do milk and a kid with cancer have in common?
An expiration date.

A guy goes to the doctor. He finds out he has cancer and three months to live. He asks the doctor, “Is there anything we can do?”
The doctor says, “Well you could take mud baths.”
The guy says, “Oh great will that help me live longer?”
The doctor says, “No, but it will get you used to being in the dirt.”

What does a kid with no arms and legs get for Christmas?

Recommended: No Arms No Legs Jokes

A woman goes to the doctor.
The doctor tells her, “I’m afraid you have cancer.”
The woman is enraged and says “ I don’t believe you I want a second opinion” The doctor says “Ok you’re ugly as well”.

What’s easier to get, AIDS or lung cancer?
Depends on what you smoke.

What does a cow do when it gets cancer?
It goes for Creamotherapy.

Have a better cancer joke? Post your own cancer puns in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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