80 Funny Drug Jokes That You Can’t Resist

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Jessica Amlee

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Drugs, in their various forms, are like the mysterious potions of modern life, with the power to alter reality, for better or worse. They range from the life-saving miracles found in hospitals to the dangerous substances that can derail lives. Drug addiction is a serious issue, like a prankster that starts off as fun at a party but then refuses to leave, turning the music louder and messing up the house. It’s a slippery slope where the initial thrill can quickly become a relentless pursuit of a fleeting high. This struggle, though real and often harrowing, also opens up a space for a particular kind of dark humor. It’s in this nuanced space that drug jokes find their niche, offering a lighter take on the complex relationship people have with these substances.

Drug jokes, often walking a fine line between humor and sensitivity, are like a tightrope act over the world of substance use and misadventure. They play on the absurdities and ironic situations that can arise in the world of drugs, without glamorizing or trivializing the serious nature of addiction. These jokes are not about making light of addiction but about finding a bit of laughter in the quirks and foibles of human behavior around drugs. They serve as a reminder that humor can be a coping mechanism, a way to deal with the sometimes bizarre realities of life, and a tool for bringing light into darker topics.

Best Drug Jokes

A policeman came up to an old fella with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs…..”
He said, “Am I? You’re the one talking to dogs.”

Why should you never buy any shoes from a drug dealer?
You won’t be able to tell about what he laced them with, but you would have been tripping all day.

Do you know that most of Omaha hates people that take drugs?
Especially police and customs.

Which drug should dinosaurs never take?
A steroid.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Alpaca who?)
Alpaca the bong, let’s get high!

What do you call a dictionary on drugs?

Yo mama so stupid, she studied for a drug test.

Kid: Daddy, how do stars die?
Dad: Drugs, normally.

Did you hear about the neighborhood barber who got arrested for dealing drugs?
Most have been his customer for years. They had no idea he was a barber.

What do you call a religious drug addict?
A crystal methodist.

What do you call Mike Tyson on drugs?
Methed Up.

Did you know that my friend made a website where you compare getting high from different drugs?
It was the original trip advisor.

Wife: Can you have a talk with the kids on drugs?”
Husband: Fine, but I don’t make any sense when I’m high.

How much drugs did Charlie Sheen take?
Enough to kill two and half men.

A homeless guy asked another man for money in a tunnel.
So he looked in his pocket for change, but all he had on him was $20. He thought to himself, “Do I really want this $20 going towards drugs?… Nah.”
So I gave him the $20.

Why did the drug dealer go to college?
To get his degree in meth-ematics.

Recommended: College Jokes

Do you know that in earlier days, people struggled with serious drug problems?
These days they have a much more reliable dealer.

What do you call a person’s tendency to discover drugs in unexpected places?

Yo mama did so much drugs while pregnant with you that your birth stone is crystal meth.

What do you call a cow on drugs?
High Steaks.

Did you hear about those dyslexic criminals who love weed?
It’s their ultimate getaway drug.

Did you hear about the local drug dealer who started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion?
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

What does Jared Leto say when he is on drugs?
“It’s Morphine time!”

What do politicians, drug addicts, and birds have in common?
They all have friends in high places.

How do you know you hate your job?
When your coffee is so strong it shows up in a drug test.

Jesus was concerned about the world’s drug crisis. In order to overcome this conundrum, Jesus resolved that a few apostles would return to Earth and collect a sample of each medicine so that they might learn what these chemicals performed.
The disciples begin to return two days after the operation is completed.
Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.
“Who is it?”
“It’s Mark.” Jesus opens the door and asks, “What did you bring Mark?”
“Marijuana from Colombia.”
“Very well son, come in.”
Another soft knock is heard.
“Who is it?”
“It’s Matthew.” Jesus opens the door and asks, “What did you bring Matthew?”
“Cocaine from Bolivia.”
“Very well son, come in.”
At the next knock, Jesus asks, “Who is it?”
“It’s John.”
Jesus opens the door and asks, “What did you bring John?”
“Crack from New York.”
“Very well son, come in.”
Someone starts pounding on the door.
“Who is it?”
“It’s Judas!”
Jesus opens the door and asks, “What did you bring Judas?”

Recommended: Jesus Jokes

What would you call Jesus if he was a drug addict?
A meth-siah.

“We’re looking for a drug dealer,” said the police officer, “and you fit the description we’ve been given.”
The man said, “That was easy then. What can I get you fellas?”

How do you serve drugs and your country at the same time?
Join the CIA.

What do you call a theater major who works hard to portray his drug addict role?
A meth-head actor.

What do you call a paraplegic who self-medicates with drugs and gambling?
A High Roller.

What do you call an arrogant pony on drugs?
A high horse.

Why do Short people like drugs?
Because they get them high.

Where do spiders get their drugs?
The deep web.

Why was the ghost that haunted the pharmacy arrested?
Illegal possession of drugs.

Why did the drug dealer become a chiropractor?
He was a crack addict!

Recommended: Chiropractor Jokes

Mom: Son, why don’t you talk to Mark anymore? You used to be best friends.
Son: Well would you talk to someone who is stupid, uses drugs, and is an alcoholic?
Mom: Of course not.
Son: Well neither would he.

Did you hear about the drug dealer that was hit by a bus?
He got busted.

If a drug lord created a chocolate brand, what would it be called?

Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
Nebuchadnezzar – he was on grass for seven years.

What do you call a transformer that gets pulled over for drugs?
Methamis Prime.

What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.

What’s something a drug dealer would never ask?
“Is Pepsi okay?”

Did you hear about the huge drug bust?
Police found 50lbs of marijuana, 40lbs of cocaine, and 10lbs of meth, adding up to a total of 90lbs. They did the meth.

Recommended: Addiction Jokes

Why did the sailboat start doing drugs?
Pier pressure.

What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed.

An addict with drugs was caught by the cops in the bathroom.
The man says, “I swear, it’s not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!”
“I don’t believe you,” says the cop. “Show me.”
The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man’s empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
“Well,” says the cop, “where are the drugs now?”
“What drugs?”

What do you call a drug-sniffing dog?
A meth lab.

Where’s the best place to hide drugs in space?

Did you hear about the professional skier who started to use performance-enhancing drugs?
He went downhill real fast.

Who is the best drug dealer?
Medusa, because she can easily get you stoned.

What do you call an orchestra on drugs?

Dolphins get high passing around a pufferfish. What kind of drug would u call that?

What’s a frog’s favorite drug?

What do you call a pilot on drugs?
A high flier.

What do you call a person who is having withdrawals after stopping using drugs?
Lack-dose intolerant.

A Mexican guy is discovered unresponsive on a highway outside Tijuana.
He is rushed to the nearest hospital after local officials call an ambulance. Regrettably, the doctors find that he has consumed a deadly amount of drugs and that nothing can be done to save him. He dies within a few minutes, and the attending physician notes “1/2” as the cause of death. Intrigued, the nurse inquires as to what this seemingly irrelevant fraction has to do with the death of this guy.

Recommended: Mexican Jokes

What’s a terrorist’s favorite drug?
Ice is.

What do you call a cyclist who sells marijuana?
A drug pedaller.

What do a drug dealer and a comedian have in common?
They both crack people up.

What’s a chicken’s favorite drug?

What do you call a smart drug abuser?
An oxymoron.

What time does a drug dealer wake up?
At the crack of dawn

Which part of a triangle is known to do drugs?
The highpotenuse.

What do you call a lizard on drugs?
A mariguana.

Why do some people yearn to be in a group of drug users?
Because they’re a high society.

A drug addict found a lamp. Genie appeared.
“Now I will fulfill your 3 wishes,” he said.
“I wish two lines of the best stuff in the world. Let’s take it together, it will be great.”
“Ok, that was your first wish. Don’t waste all of them on drugs,” the genie said and two lines of the best stuff appeared. They both had a great party but suddenly the effect of these drugs ended. “What is your second wish?” the genie asked.
“I want another two lines of the best stuff in the world.” Another two lines appeared and they both were on high again. When the effect ended, Genie asked: “And your third wish?”
“Two lines of the best stuff in the world again.” Two lines appeared again and they were on high.
When the effect ended, the genie appeared again, “So, my friend, what is your fourth wish?”

What’s the best country to get psychedelic drugs from?
The Halluci-nation.

What do you call a pub that sells drugs?
Hero Inn.

What’s the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker washes her crack and sells it again.

What do you call a female duck that’s on drugs?
A quack wh*re.

How did the Pimp stash his drugs?
He used his Heidi hoe.

Did you hear about the two men breaking into a drug store and stealing all the Viagra?
The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for two hardened criminals.

Why do drug dealers always work in the evening?
It’s shady around that time.

What is the difference between depression and drugs?
Depression is a lot like the meaning to a Beatles song. Drugs are typically the answer.

Recommended: Depression Jokes

What do you call a ret*rd on drugs?
A baked potato.

What do you call a vampire addicted to drugs?

Does anybody ever smuggle drugs in their butt?
Cause it sounds like a dope a** job.

Did you hear about the trial against Enzyte, the “male enhancement” drug?
They threw it out due to a hung jury.

Do you have a drug dad joke? Post your own drug puns in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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