50 Funny Aggie Jokes from Your College Station

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Jessica Amlee

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In Texas, ‘Aggie’ is a term of endearment for students and alumni of Texas A&M University, renowned for its agricultural and mechanical origins. Aggies are steeped in traditions as deep as the state itself, from the iconic maroon and white school colors to the Midnight Yell. They’re known for their die-hard school spirit, a sense of camaraderie that transcends generations, and a dedication to excellence in all pursuits, whether in the classroom or on the football field. Their revered traditions and fierce loyalty have become part of the cultural fabric of Texas, giving rise to a friendly rivalry with other institutions that’s as much a part of local lore as the Alamo.

Aggie jokes are a good-natured ribbing in this storied Texas rivalry, often poking fun at the expense of the Aggies’ earnest nature and unique customs. They embody the larger-than-life Texas wit, where the only thing bigger than the state itself is its sense of humor. These puns play on stereotypes with the same jovial spirit found at an Aggie tailgate party, where the punchlines are served with a side of barbecue and a wink. In the grand tradition of collegiate humor, Aggie jokes remind us that rivalry is just another form of respect—albeit one that can’t resist a chuckle at the other guy’s expense.

Best Aggie Jokes

Did you hear that the Texas A&M library collapsed?
But it’s ok, they were able to recover both books. And one hadn’t even been colored in yet.

Aggies were going to play the University of Houston in football.
When they got to Hempstead the sign said Houston left, so they turned around and went home.

Why do they have astroturf at Kyle Field?
To keep the cheerleaders from grazing!

Two Aggies got married and parked their car at a hotel in Waco. She put his hand on his thigh and said, “You know, now that we’re married, we can go a bit further.”
So they went to Dallas.

What does an aggie cow say?

Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
An Aggie burglar.

What does every Aggie have in common?
They got rejected from UT.

What’s the temperature of a typical Aggie bonfire?
Twelve below.

Two Aggies had bagged a deer and were dragging it by the rear legs back to the truck. But the antlers kept getting stuck in the mud. One says to the other, “This is tough but we only got about 1 mile left to reach the truck.”
A third hunter saw their dilemma and told them, “If you drag the deer the other way, the antlers won’t stick in the mud.”
So the Aggies give it try and it works! The first Aggie says, “That hunter was right! This way is a lot easier.”
The second Aggie says, “Sure was, but now we’re two miles from the truck.”

Do you know why the Aggies don’t have ice cubes in the dorm anymore?
It’s because the guy with the recipe graduated.

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What did the A&M graduate say to the UT graduate upon meeting?
“Hi! Welcome to McDonald’s, may I take your order please?”

Three Aggies are hiking through the woods when they encounter a set of tracks.
“Those are bear tracks”, the first Aggie proclaims.
“You’re an idiot”, the second Aggie says. “Those are deer tracks.”
“You’re both wrong”, the third Aggie says. “They’re fox tracks.”
They were still arguing when the train ran them over.

Why did O.J. want to move his trial to College Station?
In College Station, everyone has the same DNA.

What do you call a female Aggie who takes birth control pills?
A humanitarian.

A Texas A&M (Aggie) grad, a Texas Tech (TT) grad, and a University of Texas (UT) grad end up at the urinals in a bar.
The Aggie finishes first, walks over to the sink, and loudly proclaims “In my health class at Texas A&M we were taught to wash our hands after using the bathroom to prevent disease” and proceeds to splash soap and water everywhere. Additionally, while drying off he uses more paper towels than are necessary.
The TT grad finishes next, walks over to the sink, and loudly says, “While at TT in addition to learning the value of washing our hands in our health class, I took an environmental class and learned the importance of taking care of the environment.” And proceeds to use the minimum water and paper towels needed for the job.
When the UT grad finishes he mumbles under his breath, “I learned not to piss on my hands in kindergarten.” And walks out the door.

How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo?
Three. One to eat it, and two to watch for traffic.

One day the housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
He yelled back, “TEXAS A&M!”

How do you get a Texas A&M graduate off your front porch?
You pay for the pizza.

A man meets a Texas Aggie who had ridden a stick horse all the way up to Indiana.
“That must’ve been a long journey,” the man said to him.
“You’re telling me,” Aggie answered, “it feels like I walked all the way.”

What’s the difference between an Aggie and a slice of Pizza?
A Pizza can feed a family of four.

Why are so many Aggie jokes one-liners?
So the T-Sips can remember them.

An Aggie scientist is experimenting with frogs.
He pulls a frog out of a box and sets it on a table, he says jump frog jump. The frog jumps four feet. He writes in his notebook, a frog with four legs jumps four feet.
He chops one of the frog’s legs off, sets it on the table, and says jump frog jump. The frog jumps three feet. He writes in his notebook, a frog with three legs jumps three feet.
He chops another of the frog’s legs off, sets it on the table, and says jump frog jump. The frog jumps two feet. He writes in his notebook, a frog with two legs jumps two feet.
He again chops another leg off. He sets the frog on the table and says jump frog jump. The frog jumps one foot. He writes in his notebook, a frog with one leg jumps one foot.
He chops the frog’s last leg off, sets it on the table, and says jump frog jump. Nothing happens, so he says a little louder, jump frog jump. Again, nothing happens, so he says even louder, jump frog jump. He waits a few seconds then yells loudly, JUMP FROG JUMP. Again, nothing happens. He writes in his notebook, a frog with no legs can’t hear.

How do you ruin an Aggie’s party?
You flush the punch bowl.

What do you call an Aggie’s skeleton in a closet?
The winner of a hide and go seek game.

A dude graduates from Texas A&M School of Agriculture, goes into a farm supply store and orders two hundred chicks, explaining to the owner that he wants to start a chicken farm.
Two weeks later, he returns to the store and buys another two hundred chicks. The owner is curious but doesn’t say anything. The same thing happens when the Aggie returns in another two weeks for another two hundred chicks. When he returns for the fourth time, the owner’s curiosity is too much for him, so he asks the Aggie why he keeps coming back for so many chicks. The Aggie says, “Well, I guess I must be doing something wrong, but I don’t know what. I think I’m either planting them too deep or too close together. I sent off a report of what I have done to Texas A&M, asking for advice. Three weeks later, they replied, saying simply, ‘Please send soil sample.’”

How many Aggies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Fifty. Forty-nine to rotate the ceiling, one to hold the lightbulb.

There was an Aggie who wore the same pair of socks every day.
His mother finally told him to put on a new pair of socks every day.
A few days later, he couldn’t put his shoes on.

Why did the aggie get fired from the M&M factory?
He kept throwing out the “w”s.

After years of research and tinkering, the old Aggie professor finally finished his time machine.
“What are you going to do first, professor?” asked his student.
“Well, I reckon I’ll go back in time and kill Adolf Hitler.”
So he gets in the machine and turns it on, there’s a loud whirring noise, some smoke, and finally a burst of light. The professor looks disheveled.
“What happened, professor?”
“Well, it wasn’t easy, but I found that sonofabitch Hitler hiding out in a bunker, so I shot him in the head, and made it look like a suicide!”

Why don’t Aggies ever call 911 in an emergency?
They can’t find the 11 on their phones.

Three Aggies show up at a biblical costume party dressed as firemen.
“This is a biblical costume party!” says the host. “What are you supposed to be?”
“Well,” says one of them, “it says right here in the Bible that three wise men came from afar!”

An Aggie walks into a doctor’s clinic.
Doc: I’m not sure why you’re ill. Frankly, I think it’s due to drinking.
Aggie: OK, doc, I’ll come back when you’re sober.

A Texas Aggie is at a party back East and he sees this attractive woman. He tells the bartender that he wants to buy her a drink. So the bartender gives her a drink and points to the Texan. She walks over to him and says: “This isn’t going to go where you think it’s going to go.”
“Why not?” he asks.
“Because I’m a lesbian,” she says.
“What’s that mean?” he says.
“Well, see that hot woman over there? It means that I’d get a whole lot of pleasure by going down on her.” the woman explains.
The man wanders back to the bartender in a daze. The bartender asks, “So how’d it go?”
And the man says, “Well, I just found out that I’m a lesbian!”

What is the difference between the Aggies and Rice Crispies?
Rice Crispies know what to do in a bowl.

Did you hear about an Aggie pilot who has crashed a helicopter at Easterwood Field?
He got chilly so he turned off the fan.

Aggie, a Longhorn, and a Red Raider go to the Olympics.
When they reach the ticket booth they ask, “3 please?” The booth workers all laugh. “Boys this is the summer Olympics been sold out for years. The only way you’re getting in there is if you’re a competitor.” Dejected they leave and part ways.
An hour later the Red Raider returns in shorts with a manhole cover. They ask, “Are you a competitor?” He replies, “Yes I am. I’ll be competing in the discus.” They allow him in. Thirty minutes later, arrived the Longhorn with a 30 ft piece of PCV plumbing pipe. “You a competitor?” “Yes, I am. I’ll be competing in the pole vault.” They let him in.
Another hour goes by and here comes the Aggie. He’s got barbed wire wrapped around him tight like a mummy. He’s bleeding, he’s scarred and he can barely see when he arrives at the gate. They ask, “Are you a competitor?” He replies, “Yes I am!” The man with the clipboard turns to him and says, “What event?” The Aggie replies, “Fencing.”

Two Aggies are taking a road trip. During the drive they see a sign saying, “Clean Rest Rooms Next 5 Exits”.
So, they do…

What do UT and A&M students have in common?
They both got into Texas A&M.

A longhorn walks into a bar and sits down. He orders a beer and says to the bartender, “Hey, wanna hear a good Aggie joke?”
The bartender walks over in his maroon ballcap, towering over the Longhorn, and says, “You see that really big fella at the end of the bar? He’s an Aggie — all-SWC linebacker back in 1993-95.”
The Longhorn takes a gulp of his beer.
“Now look over at those two big guys playing pool. They were both 3-year A&M lettermen on the D-line between 2003-2005.”
The Longhorn’s eyes widen and he takes another gulp of beer.
“And see that big ugly dude standing next to the door? Second-team All Big XII defensive end in 2008, and 2-year starter for the Aggies.”
The Longhorn gulps down more beer.
Then the bartender slams his hand down on the bar, his finger sporting a big gold class ring. “Me, I was A&M Class of ’04. Now are you sure you still want to tell that joke?”
The Longhorn finishes off his beer, slaps his money on the bar, and walks off. “Nope,” he says. “I don’t want to have to explain it five times.”

How does an Aggie shower?
He just pees in the wind.

Did you hear about the power outage at Kyle Field?
People were stuck on the escalators for four hours!

An Aggie, a Longhorn, and a Red Raider student all went on a trip together. After a long day on the road, they stopped at a hotel to stay the night. The Aggie stayed on the first floor, the Long Horn on the second floor and the Red Raider on the third floor.
All was well and good until the Red Raider discovers that his room does not have a bathroom in it, and he really has to poop. So to solve this problem, he poops in a pillowcase and throws it out of his balcony window.
The next morning, they all meet downstairs and the Longhorn is all in a huff exclaiming that he saw a ghost fly by his balcony last night. Without missing a beat, the Aggie exclaims, “Yea, he flew into mine and I beat the shit out of him!”

Did you hear about the Aggie whose wife had triplets?
When he heard the news, he stomped, red-faced, into his house, grabbed his double barrel shotgun, and went out looking for the other two guys.

Texas A&M has started its own lottery.
If you win, you get $1 a year for a million years.

An Aggie is hanging out at a local bar when he sees a pretty girl at the other end. He goes on over, introduces himself and they get to talking. She mentions that she’s just in town for summer break, so the Aggie asks “Well, where are you from if you don’t mind me asking”
“Yale,” she says with a smile.
The Aggie pauses and then says “WHERE. ARE. YOU. FROM?”

Did you hear about the Aggie who held up traffic?
He did so because he kept getting out of his car when he saw the WALK signs.

Heard about an Aggie who spent hours in the woods looking for an Xmas tree?
He finally gave up & cut one down that didn’t have any lights on it.

A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room.
As they walked through the first room, the woman said, “I think I would like this room in a cream color.”
The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled out, “Green side up!”
He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused but proceeded with her tour.
“In this room, I was thinking of an offblue.”
Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it, and yelled out, “Green side up!”
This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color.
And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, “Green side up!”
Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, “Why do you keep yelling ‘Green side up’ out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?”
The contractor replied, “Because I have a crew of Aggies laying sod across the street.”

Did you hear about the Aggie who locked himself out of his car?
It took him three hours to get his wife and kids out.

How do Aggies practice safe sex?
They stop doing it with animals that kick.

Do you have funny jokes about Aggie? Write down your own puns in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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