75 Funny Texas Jokes And Puns from the Lone Star State

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Jessica Amlee

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Texas, the Lone Star State, is a colossal land where the steaks are as big as the hats and the pride as vast as the plains. Known for its fierce independence and a history as rich and spicy as its barbecue, Texas is a blend of cowboys, oil rigs, and a spirit that’s larger than life. It’s a place where the word ‘small’ is seldom used, and everything, from the personalities to the pickup trucks, tends to go big. This grandeur provides an endless pasture for humor, where the tales of Texas bravado are only outdone by the size of its residents’ smiles, a prelude to the hearty laughter that follows a good-natured jest.

Texas jokes are a robust breed of humor, roping in stereotypes and exaggerations as tall as a ten-gallon hat. They gallop through the nuances of Texan life, from the long stretches of desert to the bustling city sprawls, all delivered with a drawl as warm as the southern sun. These puns are shared like a batch of homemade chili—spicy, satisfying, and with just enough kick to keep things interesting. In the land where the skies are as wide as the smiles, Texas jokes remind us that sometimes, the only thing you can do bigger than Texas itself is laugh.

Best Texas Jokes

Why is Texas called the Lone Star State?
Because you can’t leave a zero stars rating.

What keeps Texas from sliding into the Gulf of Mexico?
Oklahoma sucks!

Why do the Dallas Cowboys have a star as a logo?
It’s not a star, it’s a rating.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Texas who?)
Texas are getting higher every year!

How do you keep Texans and their politics in Texas?
Place a “Welcome to California” sign on every road leading out of Texas. They’ll turn right around.

Why do Texas women make sandwiches with their left hands?
Because they have no rights.

You know you’re in Texas when you can say 110 degrees without fainting.

A man calls the First National Bank of Texas. The automated voice answers, “Hello, how can I assist you today?” The man says, “Withdrawal”
The automated voice says, “YEEHAW! HOW Y’ALL RECKON I CAN HELP?!”

What’s the difference between Taxes and Texas?
Taxes can keep your electrical grid operational.

In Texas, it’s illegal to serve pie without ice cream.
As a matter of Texan pride; remember the à la mode.

You know you’re in Texas when you eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off!

What do you call Texas if it ever successfully seceded from the USA?

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Why are there no characters from Texas in The Matrix?
Because they banned the red pill.

What did the divorced Texas woman say to her ex-husband?
“Remember the alimony!”

You know you’re in Texas when you can make instant sun tea.

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking, and fired a shot into the ceiling.
“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”
The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”

What’s the difference between a Texas energy company and a Dumpster Fire?
A Dumpster Fire creates affordable light and heat.

You know you’re in Texas when you learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

Did you hear about a tornado in Dallas yesterday?
It caused millions of dollars of improvements.

Yo mama so fat, she went to Texas to feel better about herself.

Have you guys heard about the gigantic Texas pickle yet?
If not then its surprising cause it’s a pretty big dill.

What’s the capital of Texas?

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas who started gaining interest in his ancestry. After doing some digging, he traced his lineage back to a small town in Ireland. And lo and behold, they were a family of farmers. So he packed his bags and took a trip to Ireland to visit the small town to see if he could track down some of his kin.
After landing in Dublin, and driving an hour outside of the city, he stopped in a pub to grab a drink and start asking around about his family.
The Texan sat down, ordered a pint, and started talking to the Irishman sitting at the bar. After explaining his story and the purpose of the trip, the Irishman responded, “You don’t say! I’ve never heard of your family, but I’m a farmer as well. Tell me, what’s it like farming in Texas?”
“Gladly,” the Texan said, “farming in Texas has been quite lucrative for me. If you started out in the morning, and drove west, you could drive all day before you reached the end of my property. And if you started the next day and drove East all day, you wouldn’t reach the end of my property. Same thing North and South, you could drive either direction all day and you wouldn’t reach the end of my farmland.”
“Ahh, I know what you mean,” said the Irishman, “I’ve got a tractor like that as well.”

Why is Oklahoma so windy?
Because Kansas sucks, and Texas blows.

You know you’re in Texas when the temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.

What’s The Difference Between the Texas Grid, and a Ski Instructor?
A ski instructor works in the winter.

What did the Texan say in summers?
“It’s so hot my dream house in any house in Alaska.”

Three guys driving a jeep across the desert, and the jeep breaks down. Preparing to walk on foot, they gather provisions.
The first guy from California says, “I’ll take water, in case we need to hydrate.”
The second guy from NY says, “I’ll take a map, so we can find out where we are going.”
The Aggie takes off the door from the jeep and says, “I’ll take the door, and if it gets hot I’ll roll down the window.”

What would you call South Texas in a heat wave?
Corpus Crispy.

You know you’re in Texas when you discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive
your car.

What’s the name of the city in Texas where a bunch of dolphins live?
Porpoise Christie.

A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”
“Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop.
The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool, and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow, these drinks are big!”
The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”
After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender.
The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

Why wasn’t Jesus born in Texas?
They couldn’t find 3 wise men and a virgin.

What if Texas and Florida got married?
It wouldn’t last; there’s too large of a gulf between them.

You know you’re in Texas when you discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.

Yo mama so fat, she tried to cross over from Mexico, damned up the Rio Grande, and flooded Texas.

A visitor to Texas once asked, “Does it ever rain out here?” A rancher quickly answered, “Yes, it does. Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?”
The visitor replied, “Yes, I’m familiar with Noah’s flood.”
“Well, the rancher puffed up, we got about two and a half inches of that.”

What do men wear in a Texas synagogue?
A Y’allmulke.

You know you’re in Texas when you notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

What’s the easiest way for a woman in Texas to legally get an abortion?
Trespass on someone’s property.

Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, enjoying beers.
Jim turns to Bob, and says, “You know what, I’m going to go to college!” He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take.
“Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes,” the Dean says. “English, Math, Science, and Logic.”
“Logic?” Jim asks. “What the hell is that?”
“Here, I’ll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?”
Proudly, Jim responded, “Yes, I do.”
“Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn,” the Dean said.
“Yes, yes I do have a lawn!”
“Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house.”
“Yes, yes I do have a house!”
“And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family.”
“Yes, yes I do have a family!”
“And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you’re heterosexual.”
“Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can’t believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!” Jim exclaimed.
“Yeah, that’s what logic is,” the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob.
“Bob, I’m taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic,” Jim told Bob.
“Logic?” Bob asks. “What the hell is that?”
“Here, I’ll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?”
“Then you’re gay.”

Texas state government announces assisted suicide program for kids with depression.
They said, “Just go to school.”

How can you tell if a person is from Texas?
Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.

You know you’re in Texas when hot water now comes out of both taps.

How do you annoy a Texan?
Tell them you’re from California.

A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas.
When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn’t want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them, and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State trooper’s car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper’s car, opened the rear door, and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door, and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, ’cause there ain’t no way I can pass that test.”

Didn’t you always think “Don’t mess with Texas” was a statement?
Turns out it’s just a plea.

What would you call a Texas robot?
Tex Mechs.

You know you’re in Texas when it’s noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one
person is out on the streets.

What did Texans use to light up their homes before they had candles?

Two rednecks, Dale, and Billy Ray, were walking downtown, window shopping, and suddenly, they see a sign on a store that reads, “Suits $10 each, shirts $2 each, trousers $3 each”.
Dale says to his buddy, “Billy Ray, looky there! We could buy a whole gob of these, take ’em back to Arkansas, sell ’em, and make a fortune! Just let me do the talkin’, ’cause if they hear your accent, they might think we’re ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. I’ll talk in a slow Texas drawl, so’s they don’t know we is from Arkansas.”
They enter the store. Then, with his best fake Texas drawl, Dale says “I’ll take 50 of them suits at $10, 100 of them there shirts at $2, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $3. I’ll back up my pickup and… “
The owner of the shop interrupts, “You all are from Arkansas, ain’t ya?”
“Well, yeah,” says a surprised Dale, “How come y’all knowed that?”
The shop owner replies, “Because this is a Dry-Cleaners.”

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What’s the difference between a Texas tornado and a redneck divorce?
Nothing. Either way, someone’s going to lose a trailer.

You know you’re in Texas when you actually burn your hand opening the car door.

What pronouns are widely embraced by the folks in Texas?
Heeee / haaaa.

What do you call a Texas cop in tactical gear?
A copsplayer.

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.
She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

Why isn’t homeschooling more popular in Texas?
It costs a lot of money to field your own football team.

You know you’re in Texas when you break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.

What do German car enthusiasts say in Texas?

Yo mama so stupid, she thinks Alaska will be smaller than Texas when it melts.

How do people in northwest Texas make money?
They panhandle.

A Texan buys a round of drinks for the entire bar, announcing that his wife has just given birth to their first child “a typical Texas” baby boy weighing 24 pounds.
Congratulations showered him from all around, along with many exclamations of “Wow!”
Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers, “18 pounds.”
The bartender, puzzled and concerned, asks, “Why? What happened? He already weighed 24 pounds at birth.”
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his longneck beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender, and proudly says, “Had him circumcised.”

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What do you call a witch from Texas?
A hexin’ Texan.

What did the Texas Coast Guard say to the three captured whales?
“Whale, whale, whale!”

You know you’re in Texas when your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death”?

If a boar breaks a boar family’s rules, the rule breaker is shunned —banished forever to another field or forest.
However, a boar shunning isn’t always legal in Texas.

A young woman was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild “Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-” so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, she expressed her thanks, and he yelled a final “Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a!” and rode off.
“Why was that Indian so excited?” asked the service station attendant. “I don’t know. I just rode behind him on the horse with my arms around his waist and holding onto the saddle horn so that I wouldn’t fall off,” the woman answered.
“Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians don’t use saddles.”

What’s the difference between Texas and Afghanistan?
Both are full of religious fanatics.

You know you’re in Texas when you realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

How do you find a pu**y in Texas?
Look behind their badge.

A Texas and Oklahoma rancher who shared a fence line was checking the fence together when they came across a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. The Texan naturally jumped off his horse, ran up behind the sheep, and had his way with it. After a while, he said, “Excuse me, partner, I forgot my manners. Would you like some of this?”
The Oklahoman said, “Sure I would” and jumped off his horse, ran over, and stuck his head in the fence.

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What do you get when you cross a Texas animal with a sex toy?
An armadildo.

You know you’re in Texas when the birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

Did you know that you can fit all 8 billion people on Earth into Texas?
Everybody except for your Mama, but maybe we could squeeze her fat a** into New Mexico.

Do you have funny jokes about Texas State? Write down your own puns in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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