Food originates somewhere. We call that somewhere the ground, kissed by the sun and lovingly tended by a professional known as a farmer. You can live without new shoes and clothes; you can thrive without computers, and you can travel without vehicles, but you cannot live without food. These professional farmers use their hands not only to sow, harvest, and care for sprouts and critters, but also to log onto computers and post. Farmers are also humorous. People who have taken the leap and started planting and sustaining themselves off the land share their jokes, puns and chuckles for farmers and non-farmers to read. When things get hectic, we sometimes just need a small laugh to keep us going through the day, month, or year.

Here you will find the best farmer jokes about topics as important and diverse as crop rotation and proper cattle care.

Funny Farming Jokes

What happens when you get promoted as a senior director at Old MacDonald’s Farm?

You are the new CIEIO.

What do you call it when you move the modem to the barn due to poor network on the farm?

Now you have stable Wi-Fi.

How do you get a farm girl to like you?

A tractor.

When does soil get rich?

When mother nature makes it rain.

Why was the farmer who started farming crows arrested?

They charged him with attempted murder.

What do you call a boyfriend who started a bee farm to help save the bees?

He is a keeper.

Why can’t a farmer keep secrets on her farm?

Because the corn has ears, the potatoes have eyes and the beans stalk.

What do you call a farm that’s just down the road?

A nearm.

What is similar between farms and dad jokes?

The cornier the better.

Where do cows and pigs work?

At a Farm-acy.

What do you call the 200th anniversary of owning a buffalo farm?

Bison-tennial.

A wind farm contains two windmills.

“What is your favourite type of music?” one inquires.

The other says, “I am a big metal fan.”

Why did a lad lose his job at the dairy farm?

Because of his erratic behaviour. He was a danger to himself and udders.

Why did the therapist refuse to come by a farmer and psychoanalyze one of his animals?

He ain’t a Freud of no goats.

What do you call when someone died making butter on his farm?

It was a really unfortunate churn of events.

How do you know your marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm?

When you start hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.

What do you call an Arab who owns a dairy farm?

A milk sheikh.

A Collie was bragging about how hard he worked on his farm.

A sheep nearby spoke up, “You don’t put in any effort; all you do is boss us around.”

“What did you say?!’ exclaimed collie.

“You herd me,” the sheep responded.

What happened to thieves who broke into a produce farm last night?

In the end, they were arrested for disturbing the peas.

Why can’t get any sleep living next to a horse farm?

They’re noisy neigh-bors.

When you cross a robot and a tractor, what do you get?

A transfarmer.

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What do you call cows grazing a pot farm?

The steaks have never been higher

Why did one fail in chicken farming?

Not sure if they buried it too deep, or too far apart.

Why did the father tell his son to stop pretending to be a farm animal?

He was sick of him horsing around.

Son: Mom, didn’t uncle Floyd own a dairy farm?

Mother: It was his parents but they sold it for around 3 million dollars.

Father: Wow, that’s a real cash cow.

How do you get rid of a rabbit farm?

A magician should do the trick.

What kind of file lives on a farm?

jpig.

How was the Doritos farm?

It was a cool ranch.

What’s the best thing about an ant farm with 9 ants?

One more and you’ll have to start collecting rent.

What happens when someone gets a promotion at a tree farm?

They become a branch manager.

A farmer was retiring and needed to get rid of his animals before selling his farm. So he went door to door in his town, selling them.

He gave a horse to the houses where the man is the boss.

He gave a chicken to the homes where the woman is the boss.

He gets to the end of the street and notices a couple gardening outside.

“Who’s in charge around here?” he inquired.

“I am,” the man asserted.

“I have a black horse and a brown horse,” the farmer said, “would you like one of them?”

“I’d like the black one,” the man said after a brief moment of thought.

“No, no, get the brown one,” the man’s wife said.

“Here’s your chicken,” the farmer said.

What can you tell about your new business of farming microscopic fish?

It’s a small-scale operation.

What do you call people who work on chicken farms?

Chicken tenders.

What do you call someone who supports farming?

Not farmer but protractor.

What do you call a farm that sells chickens and pigs?

A chicken, bacon, ranch.

What are the results when you use soundproof glass to construct an ant farm?

Mute ants.

There’s this farmer who is completely obsessed with tractors. His entire existence revolves around them. He lives, breathes, and dreams tractors, but his wife is tragically killed in a tractor accident. The farmer has had enough of tractors and completely removes them from his life, moving off the farm and attempting to move on without his wife and love of tractors.

He’s going on a blind date with a woman he met online years later. The dates are going well until the restaurant bursts into flames! Everyone is panicking as they try to put out the fire when the farmer stands up and takes a deep breath in, sucking in all the smoke and fire. He dashes outside, extinguishes all of the smoke, and saves the restaurant. Everyone is in awe of what the farmer has just accomplished as they thank him and return to their meals. His date curls up in stunned silence, saying, “That was amazing, how did you do that?!’”

The farmer looks her in the eyes tearing up and says, “I’m an ex tractor fan.”

How can you tell when a plant is scared?

It soiled itself.

Why do cow farms smell so bad?

It’s from the Dairy Air.

Recommended: Butt Jokes

What do you call the spirit of a dead hen haunting a farm?

A poultry-geist.

What are the 2 sexiest animals on the farm?

Brown chicken, brown cow.

Why did the plowman go to medical school?

To be promoted from a farm hand to a farm assist.

What area of mathematics are farm animals proficient in?

Cowculus.

A farmer from Texas was visiting England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked, “How big is your farm?”

“Thirty-five acres!” exclaimed the Englishman proudly.

“Thirty-five acres?” scoffed the Texan. “Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 a.m. and start driving, and I’ll still be on my farm at noon.” I can eat lunch and then resume driving, and I’ll still be on my farm at 5:00 p.m.

“Ah, yes,” the Englishman said, nodding in agreement. “I used to own a truck like that.”

What do you get when you mix an angry sheep with an upset cow?

A farm animal in a real baaaad moooood.

What did the farmer say when the river flooded his farm?

Dam it.

Why do junkies like farms?

Because they are always looking for a needle in a haystack.

What does a golddigger use to farm?

A hoe.

What do you call a great harvest of auto parts?

A bumper crop.

A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah’s Witness were lost. They happen upon a farm and request to spend the night.

“I only have room for two people, so one of you will have to stay in the barn,” the Farm Owner explains.

The Hindu jumps in right away, insisting it’s no problem. However, he knocks on the front door a few minutes later.

“I apologise, but there’s a cow in the barn, and cows are sacred to me.”

“No problem,” the Rabbi says as he walks to the barn. Within a few minutes, he returns and knocks once more. “There’s also a pig in there, which goes against our beliefs.”

“I’ll go then, friends,” the Jehovah’s Witness says as he walks to the barn.

A few moments later, there is a knock at the door. It’s the cow and the pig.

Why did the Ravers go to the blighted farm?

They heard the farmer had sick beets.

Why do people prefer farm pigs rather than wild ones?

Because they’re all such a boar.

What do you do when somebody stole all the stock from your wheat farm?

Reported it as grain larceny.

What has Snapchat taught you?

A lot of today’s teens look better as farm animals.

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What type of tables can be found on farms?

Vegetables.

A man is driving down a country road when he notices a sign that says, “$5 for talking dog, take next left.”

The man decides to investigate, believing it to be a joke. So the man turns left onto a farm, and a farmer emerges.

Farmer: Have you heard anything about the dog?

Man: Does the dog actually talk?

Farmer: Absolutely, come here and I’ll show you.

The man and farmer proceed to the garage, where a dog is resting on a dog bed. It notices them and approaches them.

Farmer: Go ahead and ask him anything.

Man: Oo, dog, tell me about yourself.

To the man’s surprise, the dog begins to speak, clearly and with proper words, rather than the typical “arooo you” heard on the internet.

Dog: Well, ever since I was a puppy, I’ve wanted to serve my country. So, as soon as I could, I enlisted as a sniffer dog with airport security. I was also very good at my job, earning a few promotions and turning some heads. Eventually, the US army hired me as a bomb-sniffing dog, and I helped prevent tragedies all over the country and around the world. After a while, I retired, met a nice girl, had a few puppies, and eventually came to this farm to spend my golden years.

The man is taken aback.

Man: Holy cow, farmer! You were correct! Why are you asking only $5 for this dog?

Farmer: Because he lies! He’s never done any of those things!

Why did the fungi farmer turn down the job offer at a new farm with higher pay?

There wasn’t mush-room to grow there.

Where can farm animals live without speed limits?

The Autobarn.

What did the depressed rural real estate agent do?

Sell farm.

Where do you find Macau?

In ma farm.

How did Native Americans describe their farming?

They said it was A-maize-ing.

A farmer had 896 sheep on his farm.

Recognizing that this is a lot of sheep for one farm, and Floss the sheepdog is getting old, he decides he’ll need a new dog—no, a whole team of dogs—to round up all of them.

So the farmer goes to the pet store the next day. He looks around at the various herding dogs; they appear to be in good shape, but they are young and untrained. The shopkeeper approaches the farmer and inquires if he needs any sort of assistance.

“Why, yes,” the farmer responds. I’m looking for a team of sheepdogs to help me round up my flock. I have a lot of sheep, you see, and I don’t think any of these young pups would be up to the task of rounding them all up.”

“I’ve got just the thing for you,” the shopkeeper says and takes the farmer into a small back room where a single sheepdog waits.

“Are you sure?” the farmer inquires, “I have a lot of sheep and I don’t think one dog will be able to round them all up.”

“I’m certain,” the shopkeeper says, “this is a very intelligent dog.” He’s been well-trained for a variety of tasks and outperforms any other dog I’ve ever seen.”

“Yes,” the dog says, “I speak six languages, practise eight martial arts, and have a degree in engineering.” The farmer, clearly impressed by this dog—and who wouldn’t be?—decides to take him home.

That afternoon, the farmer and his dog walk uphill together, and from the top, they can see the entire flock grazing in the fields. “Well, I’d like you to round up all of these sheep,” the farmer says.

“Okay.” replies the dog, “You have nine hundred sheep.”

Our farm was visited yesterday by a DEA agent. “We’ll need to search your property for illegally grown drugs.”

“That’s fine,” I said, “but don’t go into that field over there.” You’re not going to like it.”

This irritates the officer, who exclaims, “Do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go wherever I want, when I want, and how I want! When it comes to telling me where the f*ck I can go, you have no authority! Have I made my point, boy?!”

What do you call something that launches farm animals?

A cattle-pult.

What do you call the experience of working on a chicken farm all day with an angry dad?

Like walking on eggshells.

What does a rooster crow on an avocado farm?

Guac-a-doodle-doo.

What did the rain cloud say to the dry farm land?

I mist you.

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Why couldn’t anyone understand the baby farm animal?

It was a little hoarse.

The farmer placed an order for a new bull.

Three bulls were standing around the farm yard one day, discussing how the farmer had recently purchased a new bull.

The first bull, the largest and most powerful of the herd, says “When he arrives, he’ll be in for a surprise. If he thinks he can take any of my 500 cows, I’ll be surprised.”

The second bull speaks up, “That’s correct, I know. He’s not going near any of my 250 cows.”

“I’ve only been here a year, I know I’m not as big and strong as you guys, but I’ve earned my 10 cows and he’s not getting a single one!” says the third bull, the youngest of the bunch.

Around this time, a large truck pulling a trailer pulls into the ranch and begins unloading a 4,000-pound bull. He is so large that the steel ramp bends with each step he takes.

The youngest bull begins to huff and grunt, scraping the ground with his foot. The oldest bull looks him in the eyes and says “Use your logic, mate. Give up a few cows and still live to tell the tale.”

“Well, he can have all of my cows, I’m just making sure he knows I’m a bull!” says the youngest one.

What was the socialist bee farm’s slogan?

Bees, the means of production.

Have you heard about the new horror film that takes place on a rabbit farm?

It’s pretty hare raising.

What do you say when bees have colonized your chest and started a farm?

“Bees till my beating heart.”

Have you heard about that depressing automated grass farm?

Makes sod.

What does the soil have in common with a mailman?

They both become hostile when you rearrange their letters.

A farm was visited yesterday by a DEA agent.

“We’ll need to search your property for illegally grown drugs,” said the agent.

“That’s fine,” the young farmer said, “but don’t go into that field over there.” You’re not going to like it.”

The young lad politely nodded and returned to his work. Few moments later, he heard a scream and looked up to see the DEA agent being chased by my big old mean bull. With each step, it gains and closes the gap between itself and the agent. He appeared to be doomed to be gored before reaching safety. The officer was visibly scared.

The farmer threw down his tools, ran to the fence and screamed at the top of my lungs,“Your badge, agent! Show him your f*ckin badge!”

What pollinated most of the world’s crops and doesn’t take any of the credit?

A humblebee.

Did you hear about the cheap farmer that let a town starve?

He didn’t give a crop.

Did you guys hear about that grain farmer?

He could barley wheat for his crops to come in.

What type of clothes do farmers wear?

A crop top.

Where do you orphan chickens go?

Foster farms.

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An aged farmer awoke in the middle of the night to use the restroom.

He was on his way back to bed when he noticed the lights in his shed were turned on. A closer look revealed that men were loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He dashes to his phone and dials police.

“I need the cops! Some guys are cleaning out my shed!”

“OK, sir, officers have been dispatched; they should arrive in about an hour.”

“One hour? But by then, they’ll be long gone!”

“I’m sorry, sir, but no officers are available in your area.”

The farmer abruptly hangs up, waits 10 minutes, and then dials 000 again.

“Hello there, it’s me again. Don’t bother sending the cops; I just shot the robbers.” He then hangs up.

Three cop cars and a helicopter arrive less than ten minutes later, and the robbers are apprehended. The sergeant advances to the house and knocks on the door. In his dressing gown and holding a cup of tea, the farmer opens it.

“What exactly is going on here? You claimed to have shot the robbers!”

“You said there were no officers in my neighbourhood.”

What do you hear when you nuke a farm?

Cowboom.

What is the most influential culture in the world?

Agriculture.

What do you call a piece of corn that joins the army?

Kernel.

Why shouldn’t you go into wheat or corn?

Too many stalkers.

A husband and wife went to a farm.

They witnessed a bull and a cow mating. The wife inquired of the farm manager. “How many times does a bull mate in a day?” says the wife. “6 times a day,” the manager replied. “…. you see!” said the wife to her husband.

The husband then inquired of the manager. “You mean 6 times a day with the same cow?” says the husband. “No, no, with different cows every day,” the manager replied.

“….you see!” said the husband to his wife.

Why does erosion love to dance?

Because it enjoys breaking it down.

How do you marry a country girl?

Step 1: A tractor

Step 2: Fertilizer

What do you call someone who starts their own all-natural fertilizer company?

Entremanure.

Why does the plant not laugh at the soil’s joke?

Because the soil had no humus.

Two high school graduates are talking about their college plans.

“I’m planning on going to become a farmer because it’s what my father did and it pays well,” says the first.

The second inquires “What kind of farming? Wheat, corn, cattle?”

“I don’t know man, there are so many fields to choose from.”

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How does a degree in agriculture help?

It allows you to work in a variety of fields.

Did anyone notice the price of fertilizer has nearly doubled this year?

Shit’s gone up!

What kind of farm has lots of books but no livestock?

Barns and no-bulls.

For many years, an elderly man in Louisiana owned a large farm. In the back, he had a large pond. He fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and apple and peach trees because it was properly shaped for swimming.

The old farmer decided to go down to the pond one evening because he hadn’t been there in a while and inspect it. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket and returned with some fruit. He could hear voices shouting and laughing as he got closer to the pond. As he got closer, he noticed a group of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went insane. “We’re not coming out until you leave!” exclaimed one of the women.

“I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked,’ the old man frowned.

Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator…”

What did the farmer say when his entire crop died suddenly?

What a surprising turnip event.

What do you call a tornado moving over a freshly fertilized farm field?

A shitstorm.

What do the Chinese call their pets?

Livestocks.

Jamie’s great-grandfather was a brick player.

One day he says to Jamie, “I worked as a bricklayer for 20 years and was never termed to as Kevin the bricklayer.”

“Then I farmed for 25 years and no one ever addressed me as Kevin the farmer.”

“But you only f*ck one goat….”

Why are some jealous of agriculture majors who become farmers?

Because they always find a job in their field.

What type of fertilizer do you get from a gardener’s orgy?

Cumpost.

What do you call a tax on imported cow manure?

A doody duty

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and is supported by their single cow.

The father walks outside one morning to find their cow dead.

“There is nothing that could help us get out of poverty right now,” the father says as he shoots himself.

When the mother walks outside, she notices the father and the cow on the ground.

“I can’t live without my husband,” she says, shooting herself with his gun.

When the daughter goes outside, she finds her mother, father, and cow all dead.

“I can’t live without my family any longer,” she says as she jumps into the river and commits suicide.

The oldest son, 23, goes outside to look for his family and finds them all dead.

“Is there any way to get them back?” he yells to the sky.

Poof! A female leprechaun shows up.

“If you can f*ck me 5 times in a row, I will bring your entire family back to life, including the cow,” she says. If not, I get to murder you.”

He dies after f*cking her three times in a row.

The leprechaun is seen by the middle son, who is 19 years old. She extends the same offer to him as her brother.

“If you can f*ck me 5 times in a row, I will bring your entire family back to life, including the cow,” she says. If not, I get to murder you.”

The son agrees to do it, but only four times. He dies.

The youngest son, 15 years old, appears and is presented with the same offer.

“I will resurrect your entire family, including the cow,” she promises, “if you can f*ck me 5 times in a row.” If not, I get to kill you.”

“What if I f*ck you 10 times in a row?” says the son.

The leprechaun ponders. “I will bring your family back and give you my pot of gold,” she says.

“What if I f*ck you 20 times in a row?” says the son.

“I will bring back your family, give you my pot of gold, and give you a mansion,” she thinks again.

“What if I f*ck you 30 times in a row?” thinks the son.

“I will bring back your family and make you the richest man in Ireland,” she thinks.

“Wait, how do I know you’ll survive?” says the son.

“What do you mean?” the leprechaun asks.

“The cow didn’t.”

Why don’t cinnamon pastries make a good fertilizer for trees?

Because it’s like casting swirls before pines.

Yo mama so fat she doesn’t have corn rows, she has crop circles.

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How do you call a culture that only agrees?

An agriculture.

Why couldn’t the manure farmer fix his fence?

Because he had a shitpost.

The farmer receives a knock on the door from a man in his mid-thirties who appears to have been travelling for some time. The man inquires about earning a meal and a place to stay for the night.

“Do you have any abilities or skills?” The farmer inquires.

“Well, I have a unique talent: I can communicate with animals.”

“…sure you can,” says the farmer. “But I like your fashion sense. I’ll assign you a task.”

So the man helps out around the farm and earns his meal. He tells the farmer at dinner, “I know you’re sceptical, but I do communicate with animals. I have proof. I spoke with the hens, and they told me you were there every morning before dawn to collect their eggs, and you’ve been doing so every day since your wife died.”

“Wow, that’s exactly right!” says the farmer.

“I spoke to your cow, and she said you’ve faithfully milked her every day before dawn, and you’ve been doing so every day for years since your wife died,” the man continues.

According to the farmer, “I’m astounded. That is correct.”

“And I spoke to your sheep…,” the man says as he was interrupted.

“That f*cking sheep is a liar!”

Why are farmers always angry?

Because they’re part of the agro-culture.

What did the city man think of the farmer preparing fertilize?

What a load of crap!

What happens when you run out of manure on a farm?

You have to make doo.

How do you know when your tractor is angry?

By it’s furrowed plow.

A farmer purchases a new rooster to replace his old one.

The new cocky rooster appears and declares “Step aside, old man, you’re finished! I’m the boss around here “.

“I may be done,” the old rooster says, “but the rule here is that whoever wins a race around this farm will be in charge”!

The young rooster agrees, confident that he will easily win.

“However, because I am so old, I get a head start,” says the old rooster.

The youngster agrees once more, knowing he will win.

The race begins on the count of three, with the old rooster 10 metres ahead.

The old rooster gets off to a good start, but the young one begins to close the gap around halfway.

The race is coming to an end, and just as the young rooster catches the old one,

BANG!!

The farmer kills the young rooster with a shotgun.

“This is the fourth gay rooster I’ve purchased this month!!”

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What’s another name for Russian livestock?

A Mos-cow.

Why did the man quit his job at the organic parsley farm?

They kept garnishing his paycheck.

When does a farmer dance?

When he drops the beet.

Jim’s farm is visited by a tractor salesman. The salesman walks up to the farmer and says, “Good morning, sir! I’d like to tell you about our high-end tractor. You will not find a better tractor anywhere, and I can tell you are a man of high standards. I’ll tell you what —”

Old Jim interrupts the sales pitch and leads the man to the barn without saying anything. When they arrive, he asks, “You a good salesman?” Allow me to tell you a story. I went out to milk old Dottie the other day. I’m sitting behind her, and she kicks me with her back left leg. As a result, I tied it to the stall. Then she kicks me in the back with her right leg. So I tied it to the stall as well. Then she smacks me across the face with her tail. So I wrapped a piece of twine around her tail and looped it over the rafters.

The farmer continues as the salesman nods puzzledly.

“My wife then walks into the barn and sees me standing behind old Dottie. Now, if you can try and convince my wife that I was only trying to milk that cow, I’ll buy one of your tractors.”

Why are cows such bad shots?

Cause all they do is graze.

Why did the DJ go to the farmers’ market?

To get some fresh beets.

How did the hay get out of jail?

It made bale.

An 80-year-old farmer enters a bar.

“Remember when my wife died a few years ago?” he asks the bartender.

“Yes,” the bartender confirms, sadly.

“Well, now I’m no longer a widower,” the farmer continues. I married a 21-year-old woman yesterday.”

The bartender understands that a 21-year-old woman will not be happy with an 80-year-old man, but he also does not want the farmer to lose his second wife, so he suggests to the farmer, “You know, if you want your farm to be more successful, perhaps you should hire a 21-year-old farmhand.”

“That’s what I’ll do!” declares the farmer.

After a few months, the farmer returns and tells the bartender, “I have some good news! “I conceived my wife!”

“That’s very nice,” the bartender says. “How is the farmhand?”

“I thought you’d never ask,” the farmer responds. “I also got her pregnant!”

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What is the most ground breaking invention of all time?

The Plow.

What do you call a pile of hay inside a church?

Christian Bale.

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he explained that he didn’t live far away and would simply walk home. He stopped at the hardware store on his way home and purchased a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then went to the feed store and bought a couple of chickens and a goose. However, as he struggled outside the store, he discovered a new problem: how to transport his entire purchase home.

While he was scratching his head, a little old lady approached him and told him she was lost. “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?” she inquired. “Well, in fact, my farm is very close to that house, I would walk you there, but I can’t carry this lot,” said the farmer. “Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket,” suggested the old lady. “Carry a bucket in one hand, a chicken under each arm, and a goose in the other.” “Thank you very much,” he replied before walking the old lady home. “Let’s take my shortcut and go down this alley,” he says on the way. “We’ll be there right away.” The little old lady examined him carefully before saying, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know you won’t hold me up against the wall in the alley, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?” “Holy smokes, lady!” exclaimed the farmer. “I have a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose with me. How could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?”

The elderly lady responded, “ Place the goose on the ground, cover him with the bucket, place the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”

Which popular action figure has a farm?

GI GI Joe.

How do Farmers greet their cows?

Hay!

A farm boy earned a journalism degree from college.

He was hired right away and told his first assignment would be to write a human interest story. He decided to return home to do his research because he was from the country.

He went to an old farmer’s house in the hills, introduced himself, and explained his purpose for being there. “Has anything happened around here that has made you happy?” inquired the young man.

The farmer paused for a moment before striking his knee and exclaiming “Sure thing! My neighbor’s sheep once went missing. We all formed a posse and went in search of the sheep! We then took turns f*cking the sheep before bringing it home.”

“I can’t print that!” exclaimed the young man. “Can you think of anything that has made a lot of people happy around here?”

The farmer paused for a moment before slamming his knee and saying “A-yup! My neighbor’s daughter, a very attractive young lady, once got lost! We gathered the posse once more and found her! We then took turns f*cking her before bringing her home.”

He sighed the young man. “I’m afraid I can’t use that either! Let’s try something different. Can you recall a time when you were truly sad?”

The farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed. After a few seconds, he looked up timidly and said, “I got lost once…”

What do you call an uprising in a poultry farm?

A chicken coup.

What kind of cattle is always sleepy?

A bulldozer.

In a meadow, a horse and a chicken are playing. The horse is sinking after falling into a mud hole. He orders the chicken to go find the farmer and assist in pulling him out to safety.

The chicken tries to get to the farm, but the farmer is nowhere to be seen. So he drives back to the mud hole in the farmer’s BMW and ties some rope around the bumper.

He then throws the other end of the rope to his horse friend and drives the car forward, saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again when the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled at the horse to go get some assistance from the farmer.

“I think I can stand over the hole!” said the horse. So he stretched across the gap and said, “Grab for my penis and pull yourself up.” And the chicken did just that, pulling himself to safety.

Moral: If you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.

Recommended: Chicken Jokes

What do you call a grazing cow?

A lawnmooer.

How did the farmer count his cattle?

With a cowculator.

A farmer purchases a rooster to serve his 200 hens. He tells the rooster when he gets him into the barnyard, “Doodle, please take your time now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to serve here, and you’re expensive. Enjoy yourself, but take your time.”

When the farmer points him in the direction of the henhouse, the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Doodle three or four times nails every hen in the henhouse. Doodle rushes outside and notices a flock of geese near the lake. WHAM! He gets all of the geese. Doodle dashes to the pigpen and the cow pasture, and before long, he’s been on every animal on the farm.

The farmer is worried that his expensive rooster will not survive the day.

The farmer awakens the next morning to find Doodle flat in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling overhead.

“Oh, Doodle, I told you to pace yourself,” the sad farmer says, shaking his head.

Doodle blinks open one eye, winks, and nods to the sky, saying, “Shhh, they’re getting closer.”

What area of a cornfield yields the most corn?

The Corner.

What do vegan zombies eat?

Grains…!

After an accident on his cattle farm, an elderly farmer was having his hand stitched up.

He and the doctor strike up a conversation, which quickly derails into politics.

“Well, as I see it, most politicians are ‘Post Turtles,” the old farmer explained.

The doctor, who was unfamiliar with the term, inquired as to what a ‘post turtle’ was. “When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle on top, that’s a ‘post turtle,'” the old farmer explained as best he could.

Seeing the puzzled look on the doctor’s face, he continued, “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he doesn’t know what to do while up there, he’s elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him there, to begin with.”

Recommended: Voting Jokes

What do you call it when you kill a bug?

A pesticide.

Why did the wheat farmer’s son become a wheat farmer?

It was inGRAINed in his DNA.

A woman walks into the office of an accountant and informs him that she needs to file her taxes.

“Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions,” the accountant says.

He obtains her name, address, social security number, and so on before asking, “What is your occupation?”

“I’m a prostitute,” she confesses.

The accountant is surprised and says, “Let’s try to rework that.”

“OK, I’m a high-end call girl,” the woman says.

“No, that won’t work either. “Try once more.”