Jessica Amlee
Mistletoe may send you scurrying or, if you have your eye on someone, you may be waiting for an opportunity beneath its snow-white berries. But before reading some mistletoe jokes, let’s first understand the tradition. The long-standing tradition weaves together the mythology and biology of this fascinating plant. Mistletoe grows in over 1,000 different species all over the world. Indeed, the plant’s unusual growth habits captivated the ancient Europeans, who included it in their legends and myths.
Pliny the Elder described in ancient Rome how the Druid priesthood in old England believed mistletoe was a plant dropped from heaven by the gods, which explained its unusual position among the high branches of certain trees. They also thought it had healing and fertility powers. British colonists arriving in the New World in the 17th century discovered a different but very similar-looking species of mistletoe. They used it to tell stories of magic, fertility, and love, bringing the mistletoe hanging tradition from Europe to America. By the 18th century, this had become a Christmas tradition in the United Kingdom.
Best Mistletoe Jokes
What weapon does Santa have?
Ballistic mistletoe.
What’s it called when Mrs. Claus’s trousers are too tight?
Mistletoe.
What’s the difference between mistletoe and cameltoe?
It was asked by a guy who just got tired of getting thrown out of Christmas parties.
Yo mama so ugly, when people get underneath the mistletoe with her, they shake her hand.
Did you hear about my dyslexic friend whom I was teaching how a mistletoe works?
I don’t think he stoodunder it.
What if playboys don’t get a girlfriend by Christmas?
The mistletoe won’t be the only thing hanging from the ceiling.
Why should we hang up green citrus fruits instead of mistletoe?
So when you stand under them, you’ll feel sublime.
If an athlete gets athlete’s foot, what does an astronaut get?
Mistletoe.
What is Kim Jong-un’s favorite Christmas decor?
A mistletoe!
Why did Santa Claus go to the podiatrist?
He thought he had mistletoe.
Why do pies like mistletoe?
Because they like to pukka up.
On Christmas Eve, a lumberjack is at work.
The lumberjack was cutting down a tree when a massive branch fell right next to him, nearly crushing the front of his foot. The lumberman exhaled a sigh of relief and said,” I always knew they would Mistletoe.”
How do you make a Christmas tree laugh?
You tickle the mistletoe.
Where does mistletoe go to become famous?
Holly Wood.
Why’s the holly jealous of the mistletoe?
Because of how well-hung it is.
Yo mama so ugly, people hang her and kiss the mistletoe.
In the USA, a mistletoe guarantees a kiss.
In Iraq, the mistletoe guarantees an explosion.
What do you get when there’s a bomb on your foot at Christmas time?
Mistletoe.
Why did the mistletoe go to the school nurse?
It was feeling green.
A few days before Christmas, a businessman was anxious to get home from a business trip. The trip had been exhausting and he was not in a good mood. The airport loudspeakers blared Christmas carols he was sick of hearing. He thought their decorations were tacky. The worst decoration, he thought, was the plastic mistletoe hung over the luggage scale.
Being in a bad mood, he said to the woman at the counter, “You know, even if I were not married, I would not kiss you.”
That is not what it is there for,” said the attendant.
“It is so you can kiss your luggage goodbye.”
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Why was mistletoe hired for the job?
It had the right qua-leaf-ications.
A pound of mistletoe or a pound of pine needles, which weigh less?
Neither, they both weigh one pound.
What do chickens grow on if mistletoe grows on a host tree?
A poul-tree.
Mistletoe sends Christmas jokes in what way?
Through teLEAFone.
How is mistletoe similar to a monkey?
They both like to climb trees.
What looks like half a mistletoe leaf?
The other half.
Derek was at a Christmas party with a stunning German girl.
He noticed she was standing directly underneath a Mistletoe. He approached her and asked flirtatiously, “Ooh, what’s that little thing above you?”
“Its called an Umlaut.”
Why was mistletoe apprehended?
For shopleafting.
What does Mistletoe represent?
It’s Christmas Thyme.
What did one fish say to another during December?
“Whale you kiss me under the mistletoe?”
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What does mistletoe distribute in front of grocery stores?
Leaflets.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Leaf?
(Leaf who?)
Leaf of mistletoe over our heads – kiss me!
Why is it that mistletoe does not grow on dogwood trees?
It is terrified of the bark.
Do you have a better mistletoe joke? Please share your own mistletoe puns and one-liners in the comments section below!
