35 Funny Mistletoe Jokes And Puns For Holiday Humor

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Jessica Amlee

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Mistletoe, a festive plant often hung in doorways during Christmas, carries a quaint tradition with it. According to custom, if two people meet under the mistletoe, they are obliged to share a kiss. This tradition stems from ancient winter celebrations and has become a staple of holiday romance and cheer. The plant itself is a parasitic evergreen with white berries, and it has been a symbol of love and friendship in many cultures. During the holiday season, mistletoe adds a touch of whimsical romance to the air, making it a favorite holiday decoration and a source of playful anticipation at Christmas parties.

Mistletoe jokes playfully riff on this kissing tradition, often bringing a chuckle to those who find themselves under its spell. These jokes might poke fun at the awkwardness of unexpected holiday encounters or the sly strategies of those angling for a peck under the plant. They’re a light-hearted nod to the sometimes clumsy, often sweet, and always amusing moments that mistletoe can create. In the spirit of the season, mistletoe jokes remind us not to take ourselves too seriously and to embrace the joy and silliness that come with holiday traditions.

Best Mistletoe Jokes

What weapon does Santa have?
Ballistic mistletoe.

What’s it called when Mrs. Claus’s trousers are too tight?

What’s the difference between mistletoe and cameltoe?
It was asked by a guy who just got tired of getting thrown out of Christmas parties.

Yo mama so ugly, when people get underneath the mistletoe with her, they shake her hand.

Did you hear about my dyslexic friend whom I was teaching how a mistletoe works?
I don’t think he stoodunder it.

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve.
They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they must present something relating to or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St Peter asks, “How do these represent Christmas?”
He replied, “They’re Carol’s.”

What if playboys don’t get a girlfriend by Christmas?
The mistletoe won’t be the only thing hanging from the ceiling.

Why should we hang up green citrus fruits instead of mistletoe?
So when you stand under them, you’ll feel sublime.

If an athlete gets athlete’s foot, what does an astronaut get?

What is Kim Jong-un’s favorite Christmas decor?
A mistletoe!

Why did Santa Claus go to the podiatrist?
He thought he had mistletoe.

Why do pies like mistletoe?
Because they like to pukka up.

On Christmas Eve, a lumberjack is at work.
The lumberjack was cutting down a tree when a massive branch fell right next to him, nearly crushing the front of his foot. The lumberman exhaled a sigh of relief and said,” I always knew they would Mistletoe.”

How do you make a Christmas tree laugh?
You tickle the mistletoe.

Where does mistletoe go to become famous?
Holly Wood.

Why’s the holly jealous of the mistletoe?
Because of how well-hung it is.

Yo mama so ugly, people hang her and kiss the mistletoe.

In the USA, a mistletoe guarantees a kiss.
In Iraq, the mistletoe guarantees an explosion.

What do you get when there’s a bomb on your foot at Christmas time?

Why did the mistletoe go to the school nurse?
It was feeling green.

A few days before Christmas, a businessman was anxious to get home from a business trip. The trip had been exhausting and he was not in a good mood. The airport loudspeakers blared Christmas carols he was sick of hearing. He thought their decorations were tacky. The worst decoration, he thought, was the plastic mistletoe hung over the luggage scale.
Being in a bad mood, he said to the woman at the counter, “You know, even if I were not married, I would not kiss you.”
That is not what it is there for,” said the attendant.
“It is so you can kiss your luggage goodbye.”

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Why was mistletoe hired for the job?
It had the right qua-leaf-ications.

A pound of mistletoe or a pound of pine needles, which weigh less?
Neither, they both weigh one pound.

What do chickens grow on if mistletoe grows on a host tree?
A poul-tree.

Mistletoe sends Christmas jokes in what way?
Through teLEAFone.

How is mistletoe similar to a monkey?
They both like to climb trees.

What looks like half a mistletoe leaf?
The other half.

Derek was at a Christmas party with a stunning German girl.
He noticed she was standing directly underneath a Mistletoe. He approached her and asked flirtatiously, “Ooh, what’s that little thing above you?”
“Its called an Umlaut.”

Why was mistletoe apprehended?
For shopleafting.

What does Mistletoe represent?
It’s Christmas Thyme.

What did one fish say to another during December?
“Whale you kiss me under the mistletoe?”

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What does mistletoe distribute in front of grocery stores?

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Leaf who?)
Leaf of mistletoe over our heads – kiss me!

Why is it that mistletoe does not grow on dogwood trees?
It is terrified of the bark.

Do you have a better mistletoe joke? Please share your own mistletoe puns and one-liners in the comments section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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