30 Funny Fruitcake Jokes Better Than the Actual Cake

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Jessica Amlee

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Fruitcake is that dense, sweet loaf that somehow manages to be both the laughingstock of holiday jokes and a beloved seasonal staple. You know, the one that’s as likely to be re-gifted as it is to be eaten. But here’s a fun fact: there’s actually a National Fruitcake Day, celebrated on December 27th! It’s like the universe giving us one more reason to chuckle as we find yet another fruitcake mysteriously appearing on our kitchen counters.

And while some folks swear by their grandma’s secret fruitcake recipe, others speculate that there’s really just one age-old fruitcake that’s been circulating the globe for decades. But let’s not get into the existential crisis that it can cause in your digestive system. Let us concentrate on the laughter it causes! Because, despite its dubious taste, fruitcake remains the reigning champion of holiday-themed jokes.

Just like fruitcakes themselves, the humor surrounding them is a unique blend of nutty, sweet, and sometimes a bit too much. They’ve become a holiday tradition in their own right, passed down through generations like those infamous fruitcakes. These jokes are the life of the party at holiday gatherings, where everyone can bond over the universal bewilderment about fruitcake’s actual purpose. Is it a dessert? A doorstop? No one really knows, but what we do know is that fruitcake jokes are a surefire way to add some light-hearted fun to any holiday occasion.

Best Fruitcake Jokes

Why is Online dating like a bakery?
You’ve got the flakes, the fruitcakes, and the tarts.

How is History similar to a fruitcake?
Both are full of dates.

Did you hear the one about the German who couldn’t find his fruit cake?
It was Stollen.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Nettie who?)
Nettie as a fruitcake!

Why do some firmly disagree with putting fruit in the cake?
There’s just no good raisin for it.

Why does fruitcake make the perfect gift?
Because the Postal Service hasn’t found a way to damage it.

Yo mama so British, that she thought cheesecake was another word for cheese on fruit cake!

This kid hates to go to school.
One day, he got caught skipping.
The principal said, “Walk normal next time, you fruitcake.”

What kind of cake is even worse than fruitcake?
Urinal cake.

What type of cake does a crazy person like?
A fruit cake.

Which dessert causes the most arguments?
Fruit cake at Christmas.

A young woman goes to the doctor.
The general doctor sits her down and asks her what’s wrong.
“Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a fruitcake!”
The doctor wasn’t sure how to respond.
“I see. What’s gotten into you?”
“Raisins, butter, flour… All the usual ingredients!”

Recommended: Funny Xmas Dad Jokes

Why should you always consider the world as a big fruitcake?
Because it’s just not the same without a few nuts in it!

Do you know that Vegans don’t start a beef?
The start fruit cake.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Fig who?)
Fig-get figgy pudding! Fruitcake is the worst Christmas dessert ever!

Why is reality like a fruitcake?
It looks good from a distance but with all sorts of nasty things lurking just beneath the surface.

What to do if you don’t like fruitcake?
Use it as a doorstop.

A Cake walks into a bar and orders a drink.
After a while he notices everyone’s been staring at him since he walked in the door. He asks the barman, “What’s everyone’s problem?”
The barman says, “If I were you I’d get the hell out if here… Looks to me like everyone wants a piece of you!”
“That’s nothing mate”, replies the cake, “I’ve taken on hundreds and thousands before, these guys would be a piece of cake. Their half-baked attempts wouldn’t get a rise out of me. I’m no cupcake, and they’ll be in tears after I batter those fruitcakes. I think it’s a trifle rude that you’re making cake puns while I’m still here. Call the cops if you like, it’ll be the icing on the cake, I’ve been in custardy before, that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. Just let me finish my drink, I’ll be scone before you know it.”
“I’m sorry”, says the barman, “Thanks for pudding up with me.”

Why are your friends are the fruitcake of life?
Some nutty, some soaked in alcohol, some sweet.

A baker has died of electrocution after accidentally standing on some fruitcake.
Police said that the death occurred when she stood on the cake and a currant shot up her leg.

When is a fruitcake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.

What did the gingerbread man say to the unhappy fruitcake?
“What’s eating you?”

Recommended: Funny Gingerbread Jokes

What are the best uses for Holiday Fruitcakes?

  • Two words: pin cushion.
  • Use slices in your next skeet-shooting competition.
  • Save for next summer’s garage sale.
  • Use instead of cement shoes.
  • Collect ten and use them as bowling pins.
  • Use as speed bumps to foil the neighborhood drag racers.
  • Use as railroad ties.
  • Send them to the U.S. Air Force, and let troops drop them.
  • Use instead of sandbags during El Niño.
  • Use slices to balance that wobbly kitchen table.

How do you know if a fruitcake is good?
If it’s still edible after a year in your pantry.

How does a fruitcake do on a math test?
It always ends up with a lot of “mixed” results.

Why don’t people play hide and seek with fruitcake?
Because good luck hiding something that nobody wants to find!

What’s the difference between a fruitcake and a bad relationship?
The fruitcake eventually gets thrown out.

The local synagogue is having its annual raffle.
A man walks to the stage and begins to announce the winners.
“4th prize goes to Moshe Goldstein, who wins a Rolls Royce!” There is huge applause. Moshe goes up to collect his keys and shake hands.
“3rd prize, which goes to Shmuel Cohen, is a Rolls Royce and a check for $10,000!” Again, there is applause. Shmuel goes up to collect his keys and check and to shake hands.
“2nd prize, which goes to Abe Epstein, is a fruitcake!”
There’s silence in the room. Abe silently walks up to the stage. “What do you mean a fruitcake? 4th prize was a Rolls Royce, 3rd prize was a Rolls Royce plus a check for $10,000, so why am I getting a fruitcake?!?”
“Ah,” says the presenter, “This is a very special fruitcake. It was made by the Rabbi’s wife herself.”
Abe exclaims, “F*ck the Rabbi’s wife!”
The man replies, “What?? You want 1st prize too?”

This man claims his fruitcake is a family heirloom.
Others think he’s just afraid to throw it away because it might haunt him.

Recommended: Naughty New Year Jokes

She likes her men like she likes her fruitcake.
Tasty nuts, last forever, come in a box.

What’s the difference between a fruitcake and a Christmas tree?
The Christmas tree gets thrown out in January.

How do you turn a fruitcake into gold?
Sell it as a rare antique.

Do you have a funny joke about Fruitcake? Write down the puns in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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