Rosh Hashanah is that time of the year when Jewish moms everywhere remind you that “it’s not just about the apples and honey, bubbeleh.” For the uninitiated, Rosh Hashanah is the Jewish New Year, a two-day festival that kicks off the High Holy Days. Picture the ball dropping in Times Square, but instead of confetti and a Mariah Carey performance, you get a guy blowing a ram’s horn (the shofar) and a special service at the synagogue. It’s the spiritual version of pressing CTRL+ALT+DELETE on your sins, complete with food that symbolizes a sweet new year and enough family tension to power a small nuclear plant.
So how do we Jews handle the solemnity of standing before the Almighty, being judged for the year past and the year to come? With Rosh Hashanah jokes, of course! Because nothing says “I hope I’m inscribed in the Book of Life” like cracking a joke about how long the rabbi’s sermon was. (“So long, even God was tempted to yell ‘Cut! Print! It’s a wrap!'”) Or jesting about Aunt Shirley’s infamous brisket (“tougher than the Pharaoh’s heart”). These jokes are the kosher salt on the festival’s spiritual bread, adding flavor to a time that can be as weighty as your grandmother’s noodle kugel. They serve as a reminder that even in moments of introspection, a little levity can be a mitzvah.
Best Rosh Hashanah Jokes
What type of bread do they eat for Rosh Hashanah in Wakanda?
T’Challah.
Husband: So, can you tell me what to expect at Rosh Hashanah services?
Wife: It’s a great ceremony. The best part is when they blow the shofar!
Husband: I’ll drive.
What’s a shofar’s favorite note?
The one that blows everyone away!
Two men were passing by a synagogue Rosh Hashanah when they heard a loud noise that sounded like a horn.
“What the heck was that?”
“Oh, the Jews are blowing the shofar on their new year.”
“Wow! They know how to treat their help!”
Why did the challah get kicked out of the Rosh Hashanah dinner?
Because it kept tearing up!
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Honey.
(Honey who?)
Honey, you better get ready, it’s time to head to synagogue for Rosh Hashanah!
What did the fish say when it swam into the synagogue on Rosh Hashanah?
“I’m just here for the scales!”
Recommended: Yom Kippur Jokes
[Christianity]
You were a bad boy this year. Santa is gonna give you coal. (Christmas music starts playing)
[Judaism]
You were a bad boy this year. God is gonna write you into the Book of Death. (Metal music starts playing)
What’s a shofar’s least favorite game?
Musical chairs. It never gets a seat!
A Jewish father calls his son in New York.
He tells him, “I hate to tell you, but your mother and I can’t stand each other anymore and we are divorcing. That’s it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I am telling you now so you and your sister shouldn’t go into shock later when I move out.”
The father hangs up and David immediately calls his sister and tells her the news. The sister says, “I’ll handle this.”
She calls Florida and gets her father on the phone. She pleads to her father, “Don’t do ANYTHING ’til David and I get there! We will be there Friday night.” The father says, “All right, all right, I’ll wait.”
When the father hangs up the phone he hollers to his wife, “Okay, they’re coming for Passover. Now, what are we going to tell them for Rosh Hashanah?”
There was a shul (synagogue) that was looking for a baal tokea, someone to blow the shofar. A man came to try out but did a terrible job.
He asked for a second chance but was told, “Sorry, YOU BLEW IT.”
Which Canadian province celebrates Rosh Hashanah?
L’Mani Toba!
Why did the pomegranate have a great Rosh Hashanah?
It was seeded for success!
Irving worked at a Jewish deli and bakery, and he loved most of his regular clientele, except for one guy. This guy would always haggle over how much he should spend, even for things that had a fixed rice clearly marked on the menu board.
One day, the guy comes in, and says, “I want to buy your finest loaf of egg bread for Rosh Hashanah. I have a crisp five-dollar bill for you, Irving, my good man.”
“Five dollars? What, do I look like a yutz? A loaf costs $7.95, and that’s a good deal. My wife bakes that herself; it’s hard to get it perfect, but she does!”
“I know, that’s why I only want to buy from you. But surely $5 is a fair offer. Come on, Irving, we’ve known each other along time…”
“No! My prices are my prices. I can’t have separate prices for individual customers!”
Stunned, the customer shoves the money back in his pocket and shrugs his shoulders. “I… I just don’t believe it,” he mumbles as he walks out the door.
Irving’s wife walks up to her husband just as the customer exits. “Honey, what was that all about? You look so upset!”
Irving stammers, “I can’t stand challah cost deniers!”
What’s a Rosh Hashanah bee’s favorite dance move?
The Honey Hora!
How do you wish someone a sweet Rosh Hashanah?
Give them a honey-dipped compliment!
Three synagogues, an Orthodox, Conservative, and Reform synagogue, had squirrels in the attic.
The Orthodox synagogue decided that the squirrels were God’s will, and decided to live with them.
The Conservative synagogue set up non-lethal traps, and released the squirrels in a nearby park. They were back within a week.
The Reform rabbis held a meeting, and decided that in the interest of inclusion, the squirrels should be made members of the congregation. Now they only show up on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.
What did the calendar say on Rosh Hashanah?
“New year, new me!”
A man came home on the first night of Rosh Hashana with a brand new tire. His wife asked him, “What in the world is that about?”
He smiled and explained, “In our family, we have a minhag (custom) to eat tires on the first night of Rosh Hashana as a siman that we should have a GOODYEAR!”
What did the grape say when it got stepped on at the Rosh Hashanah table?
“Hey, that’s the last straw… or should I say, the last vine!”
The Catholic chauffeur was bragging to his friend how well the Jewish family who employed him treated him. “You wouldn’t believe it,” he said. “I get tips galore, and they always buy me lunch or dinner when I drive. My salary is great, with benefits. I get off all holidays, including the Jewish ones, like Rosh Hashanah.”
“That sounds pretty good,” said the friend. “But what is Rosh Hashanah?”
“Oh, that’s when they blow the shofar,” replied the chauffeur.
“Wow!” said the amazed friend. “Those really are SOME benefits.”
What do you call a bee that attends synagogue on Rosh Hashanah?
A shofarmer!
On the morning of Rosh Hashanah, Rebecca went into the bedroom to
wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready to go to the synagogue, to which he replied in a dull voice, “I’m not going.”
“Why not?” Rivka demanded.
“I’ll give you two good reasons Mother,” he said. “One, they don’t like
me, and two, I don’t like them.”
Rivaka replied in an exasperated voice, “I’ll give you two good reasons
why you must go to the synagogue. One, you’re 54 years old, and two, you’re
the Rabbi.”
Recommended: Hanukkah Jokes
On Pesach there is nothing to eat,
On Sukkot there is nowhere to eat,
On Rosh Hashanah there is no time to eat,
On Yom Kippur we are not allowed to eat,
On Purim we are too drunk to eat,
Hannukah it’s all too fattening to eat,
Shavuot we are too tired to eat,
And when TuB’Shvat comes around, the food is all dried up!
How do you greet a cantaloupe on Rosh Hashanah?
Shana Tova, Melon!
Rick wanted to get into the synagogue.
In Gants Hill, London on Rosh Hashanah, but without a ticket they don’t let you
in.
Rick pleads, “Look, I just want to give a message to Morris in there.”
The man at the door says, “Sorry sir, you’ve got to have a ticket.”
Rick replies, “Just let me in for one minute, then I’ll be right out.”
“Alright,” says the man at the door, “but I better not catch you
praying.”
What do you get when you cross a Jewish grandmother with Rosh Hashanah?
Honey, apples, and a whole lot of nagging!
Do you have a funny Rosh Hashanah joke? Write down your own Rosh Hashanah puns in the comment section below!
My resolution this Jewish New Year is to try and care that it’s the Jewish New Year.
Just a reminder not schedule any JDates on Rosh Hashanah.
This Rosh Hashanah, be sure to cast off your sins before placing your football bets.