Yom Kippur is Judaism’s answer to a spiritual detox. Dubbed the “Day of Atonement,” it’s 25 hours of fasting, praying, and enough repenting to make a saint say, “Whoa, slow down there, buddy!” On this day, you don’t just ask for forgiveness from the Big Guy Upstairs but also from anyone you might’ve ticked off during the year. It’s like the universe’s annual reset button—minus the food, water, and leather shoes. Yes, you read that right: leather shoes. Because nothing says “I’m truly sorry” like walking around in your least comfortable pair of footwear.
Now, you might think that Yom Kippur and jokes go together like pickles and ice cream (don’t knock it ’til you try it). But the truth is, Yom Kippur jokes are an essential part of the holiday for some people. Why? Because fasting from sundown to sunset without a little comic relief is harder than explaining why you still haven’t settled down to your bubbe.
These jokes are like the carbs for your soul when you can’t have actual carbs. You’ll find folks cracking wise about how much their stomach is rumbling or how their caffeine-deprived headaches are a literal “higher calling.” In a day so devoted to reflecting on life’s gravitas, a little humor acts like a spiritual palate cleanser, making sure the only thing breaking at the end of the fast is the fast itself, and not your will to live.
Best Yom Kippur Jokes
What did Sonic say on Yom Kippur?
“Gotta go fast!”
What holiday do Jews celebrate immediately before and after Yom Kippur?
What do you call an angry Jew on Yom Kippur?
The fast and the furious!
Atone-ment starts with saying you’re sorry, so I’m here to apologize for all my bad jokes this year!
Yom Kippur can be observed in space,
Take a look at Jew Peter.
Why is it important to be quiet in shul?
Because people are sleeping!
Did you hear about the man who was cranky from fasting all day for Yom Kippur?
“Pretty sure it will Passover.”
The young rabbi was an avid golfer. Even on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year, he snuck out by himself for a quick nine holes.
On the last hole he teed off, and a gust of wind carried his ball directly over the hole and dropped it in for a hole in one.
An angel who witnessed this miracle complained to God,“This guy is playing golf on Yom Kippur, and you cause him to get a hole in one? This is a punishment?”
“Of course it is,” said the Lord, smiling. “Who can he tell?”
How is everyone’s Yom Kippur going?
Recommended: Rosh Hashanah Jokes
Three Jewish guys are having a conversation about how reform their synagogues are.
The first man exclaims, “My synagogue is so reform that they serve shrimp and pork in the cafeteria.”
The second man exclaims, “My synagogue is so reform that they serve us shrimp and pork on Yom Kippur.”
The third man exclaims, “My synagogue is so reform that on Yom Kippur there’s a sign on the door that says ‘Sorry, closed for the holidays.’”
Why did the chicken cross the road on Yom Kippur?
To apologize to the other side!
What’s the Jewish police officer’s favorite day?
Yom Kippur is the one day of the year when the Jewish people fast.
Levy was surprised to see Cohen eating in a restaurant – and oysters
yet! “Oysters? On Yom Kippur?” queried Levy with raised eyebrows.
“What’s wrong?” answered Cohen. “Yom Kippur has an ‘R’ in it.”
What did the cantor say when he forgot the words during Yom Kippur?
“I guess I’ll have to ‘atone’ for that one!”
One Jew saw another eating on Tzom Gedaliah and asked why he wasn’t fasting. He answered, “In the first place, if Gedaliah had not been killed, would he still be alive? And in the second place, if I had been killed, would Gedaliah fast for me? And in the third place, I don’t fast on Yom Kippur, so why would I fast on Tzom Gedaliah?”
A Jewish guy walks into his synagogue on Yom Kippur with his dog. The rabbi stops him at the door and says “Moishe, what’s the matter with you? You can’t bring a dog in here.”
“Don’t worry, Rabbi,” replies Moishe, “Isaac here is just as orthodox as I am, and he’s come to pray.” As soon as he says that, the dog stands up on his hind legs, pulls a yarmulka out of Moishe’s pocket, grabs a prayer book, and starts praying in perfect Hebrew.
The Rabbi is amazed. “Oh my god,” he says, “this is incredible, Moishe. You should make this dog become a rabbi!”
“You tell him that, Rabbi,” replies Moishe. “He wants to be a doctor.”
Recommended: Clean Jewish Jokes
Sidney telephones Rabbi Levy.
He says, “Rabbi, I know tonight is Kol Nidre night, but tonight is the final game of the World Series. Rabbi, I’m a life long fan. I’ve got to watch the game on TV.”
Rabbi Levy replies, “Sidney, that’s what video recorders are for.”
Sidney is surprised. “You mean I can tape Kol Nidre?”
What is the only thing better than a Yom Kippur Breakfast?
A Yom Kippur Lunch.
One guy is driving his car in Tel Aviv, looking for a parking spot. It’s a busy day, and there’s absolutely nothing available.
So he starts praying to God, “Please, God, I need a parking space. Help me. I promise to go to the temple every Saturday, I promise to fast on Yom-Kippur, I will give money to charity, anything. Please help me find parking!” And indeed, in a few seconds he sees a car pull out, vacating a great spot. So he says, “Okay forget it, I’m all set.”
What’s a rabbi’s favorite Yom Kippur song?
“I’m Sorry, So Sorry” by Brenda Lee.
Terrorists burst into a shul (synagogue) just before Yom Kippur, demanding 20 million dollars and a jet plane in ransom.
The Governor, being a tough man, said no. The terrorists then announced that they would kill, in quick succession, 3 people. They chose the Rabbi, the Cantor, and the Synagogue President.
They told the Rabbi: “We’re going to kill you first. Any last requests?”
“Only one,” said the Rabbi. “All my life I have wanted to give the perfect sermon. This time, for Yom Kippur, I have worked on my sermon for many months. It’s really great. Before you kill me, I’d like to give my sermon”.
“No problem,” said the chief terrorist. “Give your sermon and then we’ll kill you”.
He turned to the Cantor: “You’ll be second to die. Any last requests?”
“Only one,” said the Cantor. “All my life I have wanted to sing the perfect Kol Nidre. This year, I have practiced and practiced and have polished it to perfection. Before you kill me, I would like to sing it once”.
“No problem”, said the terrorist. He then turned to the President. “You’ll be third. Any last wish?”
“Only one”, said the President. “Please kill me first.”
What do you call a Jew who didn’t go to Synagogue on Yom Kippur?
A rabbi who in the middle of his Yizkor sermon on Yom Kippur, pounds on the table and says ‘Wake up to the fact that every single person in this congregation, myself included, is going to die!”
And as he expected, everyone’s suddenly very alarmed, except for one man in the third row whose face breaks out into a broad smile.
And the rabbi is so shocked, that he points to this man and says, “So why are you so amused, aren’t you afraid?”
And the man shrugs his shoulders and answers, “Well I’m not from this congregation. I’m just visiting my sister.”
Why don’t people mug Jews on Yom Kippur?
Max Goldberg was heading out of the synagogue on Yom Kippur when the rabbi – who was standing at the door shaking hands with the congregation as they were leaving – pulled him aside and whispered urgently, “Max, you need to join the Army of God!”
To which Max replied, “But Rabbi, I am already in the Army of God!”
“Oh really?” challenged the rabbi… “In that case, why is it that I hardly ever see you here – except maybe on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?”
To which Max whispered back, “Shhh, Rabbi!… I’m in the secret service!”
Did you hear about Jews’ The Hunger Games?
Its called Yom Kippur.
One Yom Kippur after morning services, the rabbi noticed little David was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the synagogue. It was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the rabbi walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, “Good day, David.”
“Good day, Rabbi,” replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. “Rabbi, what is this?” Alex asked.
“Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little David’s voice was barely audible when he asked, “Which one, the Rosh Hashanah or the Yom Kippur service?”
People only celebrate other people’s holidays when there’s food and heavy drinking involved.
No one is ever like “It’s Yom Kippur, and if the Jews aren’t eating, I’m not eating either!”
It was Irving and Sarah’s big day, their sixtieth wedding anniversary; they beamed with pride as they sat at the head of the table surrounded by their doting children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
It came time to cut the cake, and a visibly moved Irving stood up to raise a toast to his beloved wife and to his entire family: “Mazal Tov,” he began. “I just want to tell you how grateful I am to have reached this occasion, and how remarkable a journey it has been. People ask me what it is like to have been married to your grandmother for sixty years, and I must tell you, the whole thing felt to me like just two days!”
“How beautiful,” everyone murmured, touched by the raw display of love.
“That’s right,” Irving continued. “It felt like the two days of Yom Kippur and Tisha B’Av!”
Isn’t Yom Kippur similar to Lent or Ramadan?
Yes, it is The Day of Atonement but done on one day. Because even when it comes to asking for forgiveness, Jews want a discount.
Once, on Yom Kippur, a Rabbi spoke about forgiveness. After the sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands.
Not satisfied, he lectured the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. All responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
“Mrs. Cohen, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any.”
“That is very unusual. How old are you?”
“Mrs. Cohen, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a lady can live to be 106 and not have an enemy in the world.”
The old lady teetered down the aisle, slowly turned to face the congregation, and blurted out, “I outlived them all!”
Why did the bagel get kicked out of the Yom Kippur service?
Because it was too “hole-y”!
Do you have a funny Yom Kippur joke? Write down your own Yom Kippur puns in the comment section below!