50 Dark Jewish Jokes You Cannot Share in a Synagogue

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Jessica Amlee

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Wanna hear a dark Jewish joke? Israeli good. Jokes about specific ethnic, religious, or cultural groups, including Jews, have deep roots in historical stereotypes, prejudices, and socio-cultural dynamics. Historically, Jews have often been marginalized, leading to the creation of various stereotypes about them. In some cases, humor has been a way for marginalized groups to cope with and comment on their own experiences, turning potentially painful stereotypes on their head.

However, in other instances, such Jewish jokes have been used by outsiders to mock, belittle, or perpetuate stereotypes. The reasons people create and share jokes about Jews, or any other group, can be a complex interplay of historical prejudices, societal norms, and individual biases. While you enjoy these offensive jokes, stay aware of your surroundings before reading these dark Jewish jokes aloud.

Best Jewish Jokes

Why was the Jewish Jedi lonely?
Because he had no Force Kin.

Why are circumcised penises so popular among Jewish girls?
They love anything that’s 15% off.

What do you call a Jewish Pokemon trainer?

Why don’t Jewish girls study on their period?
Concentration Cramps.

How do you know how we know Jesus was Jewish?
He lived with his parents until he was 30. He worked for his father. His mother treated him like a god. And he still thinks his mother was a virgin.

What’s Jewish foreplay?
20 minutes of haggling.

Why do Jews watch p*rn backward?
Because their favorite part is when the hooker gives the money back.

If there is earth on planet Earth, why aren’t there Jews on Jupiter?
Because it’s a gas planet.

Yo mama so Jew, her favorite thing in the kitchen is the oven.

What’s the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews?
Harry gets to take the train back.

Who had it worse than the Jews in 1941?
The Jews in 1942.

How many Jews are at a Catholic school?
Just one.

A Chinese guy and a Jewish guy are drinking at the bar.
The Jewish guy turns to the Chinese guy and says, “Fu*k you and your people, for bombing Pearl Harbor!” The Chinese guy is like, “WTF?! That wasn’t us. That was the Japanese!” The Jewish guy says, “Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese… you’re all the same.” After a few minutes and another beer, the Chinese guy turns to the Jewish guy and says, “Fu*k you and your people for sinking the Titanic!”
The Jewish guy says, “Huh? They ran into an iceberg…”
The Chinese guy says, “Iceberg, Goldberg, Steinburg, you’re all the same.”

What do you call a Rabbi who is also a chemist?
An Acidic Jew.

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Why do girls like Jewish guys with mineral bath yurts?
Because they have hut spa.

What do you call a Jewish Knight?
Sir Cumcised.

Saul, a concentration camp survivor, wins the $100 million dollar lottery. At the press conference where they give him the big check, a reporter asks if he has anyone he’d like to thank.
“Yes,” Saul says. “I’d like to thank my brother Eli for lending me the $5 to buy the ticket, and my other brother David, for driving me to the 7/11 so I could buy the ticket. Lastly, I’d like to thank Adolph Hitler.”
A crushing silence descends upon the room. Everyone’s glancing at each other with a “WTF?” expression. Finally, one reporter musters up the courage and asks, “D…did you say Adolph Hitler?”
“Yes, I did.”
“Why would you want to thank him?”
Pushing up his sleeve and pointing, Saul says, “FOR THE NUMBERS!”

How did Pharaoh successfully enslave the Jews?
He created a pyramid scheme.

What do you call a Jew who marries a Christian?
Star-crossed lovers.

A powerful Emperor advertised for a new Chief Samurai. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.
Number One Samurai, “Demonstrate your skills!” commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and “swish”; the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!
“What a feat!” said the Emperor. “Number Two Samurai, show me what you can do.”
The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and “swish, swish”; the fly fell to the floor, neatly quartered!
“That is skill!” nodded the Emperor. “How are you going to top that, Number Three Samurai?” Number Three Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, release one fly, drew his Samurai sword, and “swoooooosh” flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around!
In disappointment, the Emperor said, “What kind of skill is that? The fly isn’t even dead.”
“Dead, schmed,” replied the Jewish Samurai. “Dead is easy. What takes REAL skill is circumcision.”

What can you get from a Jewish raccoon?

What did the Jewish baker do when he saw a beautiful lady walking into his bakery?
He challahed at her.

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Yo mama so Jewish, she snitched on the other Jews to the Nazis for a reward.

How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagen Beetle?
All of them if you use the ashtray.

A Chinese guy buys a well from a Jewish guy
The next day the Chinese walk up to the well when the Jew runs up to him and shouts, “STOP! I sold you the well; not the water!”
The Chinese guy smirks and says “That’s exactly why I’m here. How could you store your water in my well and not pay rent?!”

What did the Jewish boy say when he met Anne Frank?
“Is it hot in here, or it just me?”

How do you repel a Jewish vampire?
You hold up an iron cross.

An old man sits down in the confessional booth at his local church.
and says, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned”.
The priest says, “Tell me of your sins, my son.”
The old man says, “Well, Father, I’m 90 years old; I’ve been married to my wife for 70 years, and in all that time I’ve always been faithful…. But last night, I made love to two beautiful 19-year-old girls! We did it three times!”
The priest says, “I see. Tell me, how long has it been since your last confession?”
The old man says, “Oh, I’ve never been to confession. I’m Jewish.”
The priest says, “So what are you telling me for?”
And the old man says, “I’m telling everybody!”

What do you call the reproductive vessels of Jewish conifers?
Pine Cohens.

What’s a Jewish person’s least favorite type of weather?

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Why did the Jewish kid ask for the wind direction?
To know where his parents went.

A recently widowed Jewish lady was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby, and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir, how are you?”
“Fine, thank you,” he responded and turned back to his book.
“I love the beach. Do you come here often?” she asked.
“First time since my wife passed away last year,” he replied and again turned back to his book.
“Do you live around here?” she asked.
“Yes, I live over in Suntree,” he answered and then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. “Do you like pussycats?” With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, “How did you know that was what I wanted?”
The man replied, “How did you know my name was Katz?”

What do you call a Jewish person with a*tism?

What language does a h*mosexual Jewish man speak?

An old Jewish man dies.
His last wish for his son is to print an obituary. The son goes to the newspaper office and asks how much they charge for an obituary. They tell him $5 per word.
He says then prints “Solomon dead”. The newspaper tells him they require a minimum of 5 words. He thinks for a moment and says, then make it “Solomon dead, wheelchair for sale.”

Why don’t Jewish cannibals like eating Germans?
They give them gas.

What did the gay Jewish man say to Jesus Christ?
“Love the nails!”

A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park.
He sat down on a bench and began eating.
After a few minutes, a blind man came by and sat down next to him.
Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.
The blind man ran his fingers over the matzo for a few seconds, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, “Who wrote this shit?!”

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How did German men pick up Jewish women in the 1940s?
With a dustpan and broom.

An Orthodox Jew walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder
The bartender says, “Hey, where’d you get that?” The frog goes, “Brooklyn, they’re everywhere!”

Two elderly Jewish strangers are standing at adjacent urinals in a kosher deli in Miami Beach. Abe asks, “You’re from Brooklyn, aren’t you?”
Eli (startled and puzzled) says, “Yes, but how…” Abe: “And you attended Temple Beth Shalom, right?”
Eli says, “That’s remarkable!”
Abe asks again, “And you were circumcised by Rabbi Boronofski, right?”
Eli says, “This is insane. How can you possibly know all this about me?!?”
Abe answers, “Because the Rabbi was cross-eyed, so he cut on a slant. And right now you’re pissing on my shoe.”

What does a Jewish pedophile say?
“Hey, kid want to buy some candy?”

What is the difference between a Jewish Boy and a Boy Scout?
Boy scouts always come back from camps.

An old Jewish man is lying on his deathbed with his tearful wife by his side.
“Moira, beautiful Moira. You were with me many years ago when the Germans took our home and so many of us suffered” to which his wife simply nodded.
“And years later, you were with me when my business failed and I lost nearly everything”. And again, Moira nodded.
“And now, you are here. From my sickness to my last moment. I’m starting to think you’re bad luck, Moira!”

What is a Jewish person’s favorite letter?
Not Z.

How do you lose a Jewish cop?
Drive through a toll booth.

Why was the Jewish kid afraid of kindergarten?
They gave him a gold star once.

A Jewish kid gets kicked out of every school he attends.
His parents try putting him in Jewish schools. Expelled.
His parents try putting him in public school. Expelled.
His parents try putting him in Montessori schools. Expelled.
His parents try putting him in Military schools. Expelled.
Finally, they decide to try a Catholic school. Lo and behold, not only does the kid not get expelled, but he winds up on the honor roll. Teachers say nothing but good things about him, and his marks have never been higher.
His parents ask, “We tried twenty different schools and nothing worked. Why are you flourishing at a Catholic school?”
The kid says, “Every classroom there has a statue of a guy nailed to the wall. When I saw what they did to him, I knew they weren’t f*cking around.”

Did you hear the one about the Jewish terrorist?
He was gonna hijack a plane but he didn’t want to use his miles.

What’s the difference between a Jewish American Princess and Jell-O?
Jell-O moves when you eat it.

How do you make a Jewish guy mad?
By roasting him.

Two Jewish men were sitting in a Mexican restaurant discussing religion.
“I wonder if there are any Jewish people in Mexico?” asked the first one.
“There must be,” said the second one, “let’s ask the waiter.”
When the waiter came by, they asked him, “Do you have any Mexican Jews?” and the waiter said, “I don’t know Senor, I’ll ask the cooks.”
He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said, “I’m sorry – we have orange Jews, tomato Jews, grape Jews, but no Mexican Jews.”

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Why don’t Jewish guys give oral sex?
It’s too close to the gas chamber.

What did you call it when you burn Jewish bread?
The Challahcaust.

What is the worst thing about being black and Jewish?
You have to stand at the back of the oven.

Do you have an adult Jewish joke? Write down your own dark Jewish puns in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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