Limericks have long been a delightful form of poetry, characterized by their distinct rhythm and rhyme scheme. Typically, a limerick consists of five lines, where the first, second, and fifth lines rhyme with each other, and the third and fourth lines form a rhyming pair of their own. This structure, often accompanied by a jaunty meter, lends itself to playful, witty, and sometimes nonsensical verse. However, not all limericks are made equal; some venture into the dark territory of dirty poems.
Dirty Limericks, a spicier variant of the traditional form, are known for their cheeky and often adult content. These poems maintain the classic structure of a limerick but dive into adult humor, making them a hit among older teens and adults who appreciate a bit of naughtiness in their rhymes. It’s the clever twist of words and the unexpected punchlines that make dirty limericks particularly amusing. While they tread the fine line of appropriateness, they do so with a playful spirit, often poking fun at various aspects of adult life. The key to a great dirty limerick lies in its ability to surprise and delight with its wit, without crossing into vulgarity. This makes them a unique and entertaining form of poetry, perfect for those who enjoy a bit of mischievous humor in their reading.
Best Limericks for Adults
There was a young wh*re from Kilkenny,
Who charged for two f*cks just a penny.
For half of that sum,
You could bugger her bum,
An economy practised by many.
There once was a young lad named Brock,
Who had the most beautiful c*ck.
Not floppy and pink,
As you probably think,
It had feathers, it crowed and could squawk!
There once was a stripper from Bude,
Who was writhing on stage in the nude,
Yelled a chap at the front:
“There’s a strong scent of c*nt”
Out loud – just like that – bloody rude!
There once was a man from Bel-Air,
Was f*cking his wife on the stair.
The banister broke so,
He doubled his stroke and,
He finished her off in mid-air.
There once was a lady called Jill,
Who f*cked dynamite sticks for a thrill.
They found her v*gina,
In North Carolina,
And bits of her t*ts in Brazil.
There once was a man named Dave,
Who kept a dead wh*re in a cave.
He said, “Oh what the hell,”
“I’ll get used to the smell!”
“Just think of the money I’ll save!”
There was a young lady named Alice,
Who used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her v*gina,
in North Carolina,
And the rest of poor alice in Dallas.
There once was a man named O’Dool,
Who had little red spots on his tool.
He went to the Doc,
Who examined his c*ck,
And said, “Wipe off the lipstick you fool!”
There once was a man named Dave,
Who lived with a dead wh*re in his cave.
She was missing a t*t,
and smelled like sh*t,
But think of the money he saved.
There once was a mouse named Keith,
He circumcised men with his teeth.
Wasn’t for pleasure,
nor sexual measure,
It was just for the cheese underneath.
Hickory dickory dock,
I was sucking my c*ck.
Yes, you heard what I said,
I can give myself head,
And shoot down my throat like a Glock.
In spring, with the coming of bees,
I often will sniffle and sneeze.
The grade of my sinus,
becomes an F-minus,
when filled with the jizzum of trees.
There’s a wonderful girl named Rose,
Nice enough to fell*te my hose.
But I came too fast,
And my jizzy blast,
Came rocketing out of her nose!
There once was a man from Peru,
Who was isolated because of the flu.
Still he played with his p*nis,
While dreaming of Venus,
And awoke with a hand full of goo.
There once was a lass from Regina,
Who had an enormous v*gina.
The lads all would rave,
At the depth of her cave,
And swore they could see down to China.
There was a young vampire called Mable,
Whose periods were always quite stable.
At every full moon,
She took out a spoon,
And drank herself under the table.
I once had a most flexible mate,
Whom I swear to you could self-fell*te.
But then one day he sneezed,
With his head twixt his knees,
And found that his balls could inflate.
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Whose dick was so hard, when he struck it.
It rang like a bell,
in addition, as well,
When rubbed against glass it could cut it.
There once was a guy called Rick,
Asked a hooker to show him a trick.
She covered his eyes,
Pulled her skirt down her thighs,
Then swaffled his face with her dick.
There was a young lass named Sally,
Who went out one night for a dally.
She found a nice chap,
And sat on his lap,
And said, “Good Lord, you’re right up my alley.”
There once was a clergyman’s daughter,
Who detested the pony he’d bought her.
Till she found that its dong,
Was as hard and as long,
As the prayers her father had taught her.
She married a fellow named Tony,
But soon she had sex with the pony.
Said he, “What’s it got,
My dear, that I’ve not?”
Sighed she, “Just a yard-long bologna.”
M’lady your smile is fine,
Your beauty is also divine.
And while its direct,
My c*ck is erect,
No? Then f*ck off you swine!
There once was a man from Abileen,
Who invented a whacking machine.
On the 23rd stroke,
The f*cking thing broke,
And whipped his balls to a cream.
There once was a girl from Havana,
Who like to be called Anna.
One day she fell ill,
And took a strange pill,
And now all she craves is banana.
A risky young gent from Helsinki,
In his arse liked to pop in his pinky.
Of this he grew tired,
And so it transpired,
He inserted and lost a whole slinky.
I like when my lovers are rough,
And own lots of S&M stuff.
And you’re great in the bed,
But I’m starting to dread,
How the lock’s welded shut on this cuff!
Hail Mary, who’s filled with such grace,
Who’s virtuous, noble and chaste.
A bad boy I’ve been,
forgive me my sin,
of deep-faking p*rn with your face.
There once was a patent engineer,
whose behaviour was thought to be queer.
as witnesses ascertained,
he liked to be tied up and chained,
and taken, by force, in the rear.
Pollution is said to affect,
So much, yet is met with neglect.
‘Least I can make use,
Of it as an excuse,
Why my “smokestack’s” so small when erect!
There was an old man from China,
Who wasn’t a very good climber.
He slipped on a rock,
Split his c*ck,
And now he has a v*gina.
There once was a man from Kent.
Whose dick was so long it bent.
To save some trouble,
He folded it double,
Instead of coming, he went.
There was a young lady named Banker,
Who slept while the ship lay at anchor.
She woke in dismay,
When she heard the mate say,
“Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker.”
There’s a guy who works at Lowe’s,
Hung like damn fire hose.
Got head from this chick,
But he came so quick,
That it shot right out of her nose!
Pubic hair’s there for a reason,
That’s evident in the cold season.
For the balls it’s a muff,
And it’s wonderful stuff,
For it keeps the v*gina from freezin’.
The young lady next door seemed so nice,
and had borrowed a packet of rice.
Her offer of thanks,
was to give me some wanks,
which I took, on my own good advice.
Jose the Achayan sat drinking,
And all the while he kept thinking.
About the maid up the tree,
Till he saw Ammachi,
And then, what was growing started shrinking.
There once was a man from Des Moines,
Always looking for orgies to join.
But he never got laid,
‘Cause he proudly displayed,
The tattoo of crabs on his groin.
A drunk man tried f*cking a c*nt,
But was missing the hole from the front.
So he turned her ‘round back,
But hit the wrong crack,
And she hasn’t sh*t right for a month.
There once was an elderly Jew,
Who was vainly attempting to screw.
His wife said. “Oy vay,
If you keep on this way,
The messiah will come before you!”
The Red Chinese Communist Head,
Likes teasing his woman in bed.
While stroking his scrot*m,
He’ll beg her to quote him,
Then blurt out, “yeah that’s what Xi said!”
There once was a wanker named Putin,
Whose army started a-shootin’.
At nuclear sites,
And children with kites,
It’s for Ukraine I’ll be a’-rootin’.
There was a young girl named Sue,
Who’s mood was exceedingly blue.
Her d*ldo too tight,
She did lube it forthright,
But instead of KY she used glue.
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
His balls hung like eggs,
And between his legs,
He could tuck it under and f*ck it!
There once was a wh*re named Maureen,
Who’s c*nt wasn’t kept very clean.
The sem*n dripped out,
Of her smelly old spout,
Which she scraped up and ate with salteen.
A drunk driver plunged into a moat,
And discovered his car wouldn’t float.
He was found in the wreck,
Submerged to his neck,
Mumbling, “Next time, I’m taking the boat!”
On a maiden a man once begat,
Bouncing triplets named Nat, Tat and Pat.
‘Twas fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding,
She hadn’t a spare t*t for Tat.
There was an old man called Locket,
Who shot down the road like a rocket.
The force of the blast,
Shot his c*ck up his arse,
And he ended up with two balls in one pocket.
That hairy old hag Elise Grable,
Sold dodgy furs bred in her stable.
She lost any merit,
When she let her pet ferret,
F*ck her beautiful Mink and prized Sable.
On the couch, with a body like Venus,
His wife was devouring his p*nis.
Then their kids wandered in
As he came in her grin
While she gurgled “Oh f*ck it, they’ve seen us!“
When an unlucky pervert named Mertz,
Whose fetish was frozen desserts.
Got a frostbitten choad,
F*cking pie a la mode,
He cried “Holy sh*t but that hurts!”
There once was a husband from Fairborn,
Who was frankly addicted to gay p*rn.
So his wife took his stash,
And threw it in the trash,
Thus in twain their marriage was torn.
There once was a man from Tashkent,
Whose c*ck was abhorrently bent.
He would f*ck at an angle,
With his u-shaped dangle,
But instead of coming he went.
There once was a man from West Philly,
Suffered shrinkage whene’er it got chilly.
Stocking on his member,
He wore all December,
And got athlete’s foot on his willy.
There was a young man of Da Nang,
Whose balls past his ankles did hang.
So loudly they slapped,
When nightly he fapped,
That on the ceiling his neighbors would bang.
On a bridge that went ‘cross a ravine,
Archibald had been fu*cking Kathleen.
The force of his lunge,
Caused the whole bridge to plunge,
Worst f*cking disaster I’ve seen!
Two ugly sisters from Fordham,
Took a walk one day out of boredom.
On their way back,
A sex maniac,
Jumped out of a bush and ignored ’em!
There once was a lass from Kilkenny,
Whose usual price was a penny.
And for half of that sum,
You could finger her bum,
A source of amusement for many.
The story of the Yale barmaid,
On the chest of a barmaid at Yale.
Were tattooed the prices of ale,
And on her behind, for the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in Braille.
A mispronouncing pervert named Dennis,
Loved watching women’s pro tennis.
When they’d swing the racquet,
He’d start to whack it,
Dreaming they’d suck on his pennis.
There once was a stoner named John,
Who took many hits on his bong.
He felt loose and free,
Watching p*rn on TV,
Til the maid caught him holding his dong.
There was a young fellow named Owen,
Whose peck*r kept growin’ and growin’.
It grew so tremendous,
So long and stupendous,
It was no good for sex – just for showin’.
A pretty girl named Suzy,
Who is really a bit of a floozy.
Though she’s not very thin,
(Actually has a double chin),
But my p*nis is not very choosy.
There was a woman from Meelin,
By her bedside her husband was kneeling.
She said with a grunt,
“Take your hand off my c*nt,
It’s a f*cking I want, not a feeling.”
I once knew a man of high class,
Whose balls were made out of cut glass.
In hot sunny weather,
They’d focus together,
And burn all the hair off his a**.
Smooth Mr. B was a winner,
And asked Mary Jane out to dinner.
Then at the grill,
He spoke with great skill,
By the end of the night he was in her.
There once was a child, Neil knight,
Who loved to play fortnite,
His parents they said,
“We should have aborted you dead”
They raised the gun, “goodnight.”
There once was a man from the coast,
And though he does not like to boast.
His p*nis when hard,
Spans the third of a yard,
A feature he’s proud of the most.
The nudist with whom I’m acquainted,
Didn’t notice the bench freshly painted.
When he sat for a rest,
Against his balls pressed,
Leaving the handiwork tainted.
There was a nice hooker from Paris,
Who with a rice cooker was careless.
Atop the hot pot,
She dropped to a squat,
Now from navel to a**hole she’s hairless.
There was a young lady from Kew,
Who said, as the bishop withdrew.
The vicar is quicker,
And thicker and slicker,
And four inches longer than you.
A lady once fondled my todger,
With the top of a fresh Jammy Dodger.
I asked her with hope,
As my balls she did grope,
“Does that mean I’ve become your new lodger?”
There once was a woman named Lawless,
Whose rack seemed impossibly flawless.
When someone contended,
She kept them suspended,
She flashed ’em to prove she was braless.
I once knew a woman named Piper,
With whom I enjoyed an all nighter.
She got rather cross,
When I came in her sauce,
But loved when I finished in cider.
There once was a man from Bombay,
Who fashioned a c*nt out of clay.
But the heat from his prick,
Turned it into a brick,
And chafed all his foreskin away.
The problem with having a willy,
Is not that it looks rather silly.
It’s just that it knows,
Whenever it grows,
I’m looking at your sister Jilly.
There was a young sailor from Brighton,
Who remarked to his girl, “You’re a tight one.”
She replied, “Oh my soul,
You’re in the wrong hole,
There’s plenty of room in the right one!”
A virgin, when drinking down under,
Was not one for making a blunder.
But give her a snout,
Of old English stout,
And her bosom was easy to plunder!
A genetically-modified toxin,
made nymphomaniacal oxen.
They f*cked and they ravaged,
the land, then they savaged,
some rowers, from bowman to coxswain.
There was a young man of Khartoum,
The strength of whose balls was his doom.
So strong was his shootin’,
That the third law of Newton,
Propelled the poor chap to the Moon.
There was an old hermit named Dave,
Who kept a dead wh*re in his cave.
He had to admit,
She smelled like sh*t,
But think of the money he saved!
‘Pon hearing young Kiki’s confession,
The Priest made a grave indiscretion.
While listening intently,
He was pulling it gently,
For she practiced the oldest profession.
There once was a fellow from Knox,
Who dreamt he turned into a fox.
He awoke with a moan,
But then let out a groan,
‘Cause instead he’d turned into an ox.
A certain young person of Ghent,
Uncertain if lady or gent.
Shows their organs at large,
For a small handling charge,
To assist them in paying the rent.
There once was a burly Sri Lankar,
Who crewed a Pacific oil tanker.
And at each port of call,
He’d impress one and all,
When he used his prick as an anchor.
My head is shaped like a rock,
To which facial hair doesn’t flock.
I want a cool beard,
But all the hair seems steered,
To appear around my c*ck.
There’s an architect fellow named Warrick,
With good reason for feeling euphoric.
He has by election,
Three kinds of erection:
Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric.
A girl they call Patches in Natchez,
Has a snatch that’s so loose it needs hatches.
And the catch on the latch,
Of the hatch on her snatch,
Is so used that it no longer latches.
There once was a girl from Hoboken,
Who claimed that her cherry was broken.
From riding a bike,
Down a cobblestone pike,
But it really was broken from pokin’.
There once was a rabbi named Keith,
Who circumcised men with his teeth.
It was not for the leisure,
Or the sensual pleasure,
But to get at the cheese underneath.
There was an outpatient named Sam,
Receiving a rectal exam.
His a** was abused,
And couldn’t get used,
To how many gerbils he’d crammed.
Donald scratched his a** with a finger,
And being bored, he decided to linger.
To explore for awhile,
A medium sized pile,
And a boil that was a super humdinger.
There once was a girl named Morgan,
Who let the boys play with her organ.
They always froze,
When she curled her toes,
‘Cause she made the face of a gorgon.
Up his a** Kevin keistered a candle,
An eggplant, a Coke can, a sandal.
Then he tried his lot,
On his auntie’s soup pot,
But hasn’t quite yet got the handle.
There was a young lady named Annie,
Who had a peculiar fanny.
She went to the doc,
And he said, “That’s a c*ck”.
Now everyone knows her as Danny.
There once was a young man named Kurt,
He could sing, he could dance, he could flirt.
His secret to life,
His sugar and spice,
Was a c*ck so big it would hurt.
Do you have a dirty limerick ever written? Write down the poem in the comment section below!