50 Dirty New Year Jokes for The Naughty Adults

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Jessica Amlee

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New Year’s isn’t just about making resolutions and watching the ball drop; it’s also a time for adults to let loose and indulge in a bit of naughty humor. While the kids are busy with their sparklers and party poppers, adults often find their own kind of fireworks in the form of naughty jokes and sly innuendos. It’s all in good fun, of course – a way to laugh off the old year’s missteps and welcome the new with a cheeky grin. And let’s be honest, after a year of adulting, who doesn’t need a good laugh? So, as the clock ticks towards midnight, it’s time to dive into the world of Dirty New Year jokes.

Alright, let’s kick those dull party poppers to the curb and jazz things up with some New Year jokes for adults. We’re diving into a pool of puns that are so eye-rollingly bad, they’ll make you start the new year with a groan and a giggle. Imagine jokes that are so terrible they loop right back around to being hilarious – or just stay terrible, which is funny in its own right.

And we’ve got enough awkward, offensive humor to crack a smile on even the grumpiest face. Let’s be real, with another year of iffy choices and “what was I thinking?” moments on the horizon, a good laugh is just what we need. After all, what’s a New Year’s Eve without a bit of glitz, glam, and a side of seriously questionable decision-making?

Adult New Year 2024 Jokes

How do you make the New Year’s Ball Drop more entertaining?
Add another ball.

What do Alcoholics call New Year’s Eve?
Amateur night!

What do you call a c*m sock on New Year’s Day?
A blast from the past!

This guy was thinking to watch p*rn on New Year’s Eve.
Like only 2 seconds before the clock strikes 00:00, He’ll start the video. So after 2 seconds, he can be like, “I’m coming 2024!”

What will the virus say to your genitals, tonight at midnight?
“Herpe New Year!”

What’s the plus (+) sign shout as he entered the New Year party?
“Okay, who wants sum?!?”

Man(on the phone): Happy New Year.
Friend: Happy New Year, your voice sounds strange, where are you…right now?
Man: I’m in the toilet
Friend: Why?
Me: I don’t wanna take last year’s sh*t into 2024.

How can you tell Michael Jackson is having a New Year party?
All the Big Wheels parked in the driveway.

Did you hear about the guy who asked the hot girl at his gym about her New Year’s resolution?
She said, “F*ck you”. He thinks she’s pretty excited about 2024.

Why do some people wish “Happy New Year” early?
They are from The Premature Ejaculation Society.

Recommended: Clean New Year Jokes

Did you hear about the pirate’s New Year s*x party?
It was an arrrrgy.

Did you hear about the midget who got kicked out of the New Year event?
He kept sticking his nose into everyone’s business.

This woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of a Christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her left inner thigh.
The tattoo artist say that’s an unusual request. “Why do you want two tattoos there?” So she says “Because my husband needs to eat between Christmas and new years.”
and your right leg is New Year… can I visit you between holidays?

Have you heard about the local n*dist colony’s New Year’s introductory offer?
New members take 50% off!

Did you hear that Little Johnny was born in September?
It is pretty safe to assume that his parents started there new year with a bang.

What’s something you can say at a New Year’s Eve party, and during s*x?
“What was that drink?” passes out

What do dating apps and New Year’s Eve have in common?
Both really get going just after dark, start with a spark, and end with a bang.

So what’s the difference between a sl*t and a b*tch?
A sl*t will f*ck everybody at the New Year Eve’s party and a b*tch will f*ck everybody at the party but you!

One day, this wife said to her husband that his New Year resolution needs to be to have more romance and love making.
As a good husband, he booked an expensive suite for a long weekend in a posh hotel. He got dressed up and bought some s*xy lingerie for her and some cosplay outfits. Got some viagra so he could perform all night long.
Romantic dinner at a French restaurant, candlelight dinner, and was amazing. She was stunning in a little black number, no underwear that was obvious. He bought her a gift of the most expensive perfume he could afford. He couldn’t wait! Phones were turned off all weekend as it was all about them. A weekend of amazing s*x, masses of foreplay, every position tried, she loved the lingerie and they tried out some fantasies. Her the s*xy cop to her the s*xy student. They made p*rn look tame and he was sore as hell, even his tongue was sore.
And what the hell, all his ungrateful wife said when he went home was “Where the f*ck were you this weekend and why didn’t you answer your phone?”

Recommended: Clean New Year Memes

If you start having s*x at 11:58 tonight, you might start off the new year with a blast.
If you make it that long!

Why didn’t most have a New Year’s kiss?
They don’t kiss on the first date.

This man is throwing a New Year party for people who fail to org*sm.
He said, “Let me know if you can’t come.”

Have you heard about the local n*dist colony’s New Year’s introductory offer?
New members take 50% off!

This idiot friend almost blew his hand playing with fireworks on New Year’s. When the smoke cleared he was unscathed! Not a singe or burn on him!
His friend ran over to him, mystified, and said, “What are you retardant?”

What does a drug dealer say at the end of the year?
“Merry cryst meth!”

How is a wife similar to a New Year party?
You can do both in a basement.

How did the virgin wish other virgins Happy New Year?
“Happy New Tear!”

Why are New Year’s resolutions like your girlfriend?
Hard to do and you’ll end up cheating!

Recommended: Best New Year’s Pick Up Lines

Why did the ball drop this new year?
It reached puberty.

What’s a dirty New Year pickup line?
“If your left leg is Christmas and your right leg is New Year… can I visit you between holidays?”

This man’s New Year resolution is to give up s*xual innuendos,
Which is going to be extremely hard.

A guy invites his friend to a New Year’s Eve party.
The guy warns his friend that there is going to be a lot drinking.
The friend says, “That’s okay, I like to drink!”
The guy warns his friend that there will be a lot of fighting
The friend says, “That’s fine, I like to fight!”
The guy warns his friend that there is going to be a lot of s*x.
The friend says, “That’s fine, I like s*x”
The friend asks what he should wear.
The guy says, “It doesn’t matter, it is just gonna be you and me.”

What do you call a New Year party on a n*de beach?
A gender reveal party.

What do gay Mexican men use to party all night long on 31st?
Jalapeño Poppers.

What do you call a white person set on fire?
A firecracker.

What do you call a New Year celebration in Alabama?
An orgy.

What would Jeffrey Dahmer have at a New Year party?

Einstein goes to a New Year party on 31st December.
Suddenly, someone approaches him. He didn’t know what to talk about, and he asked: “What’s your IQ?” The person says 257. So, Einstein started talking about quantum physics, black holes, the universe…
And after a while, someone else approaches. The person says he has an IQ of 150. Then, Einstein starts talking about International rights, ethical conflicts, genetic manipulations…
One hour later, someone with IQ 73 approaches. Einstein starts talking about The Kardashians, WWE, 50 Shades of Gray, etc.
After a while, someone with IQ 5 approaches, and Einstein doesn’t know what to talk about and decides to listen to that person. After 5 minutes of conversation, Einstein tells him, “Well, with your unique perspective, you’d certainly make an unforgettable host for a New Year’s Eve party. Just imagine the dirty jokes you’d have to share after midnight!”

Do you feel Christmas coming up and filling the soul with a joyful New Year mood?
Me neither.

Recommended: Dirty Christmas Jokes for Adults

What’s the last bottle women open at New Year parties?
Dishwasher liquid.

Why are Fireworks like s*x?
Some people watch it. Weirdos videotape it. And some people furiously m*sturbate to it.

What do you call a midget gathering on New Year’s Eve?
Little get together!

What does the school sh**ter bring to the Party?
The shots.

Did you hear about the h*rny clown?
That wasn’t a balloon that was getting blown up and elongated!

Why was the depressed person late for the 31st December party?
Because they were hanging in there.

Recommended: Dirty New Year Memes

First day back at work, and everyone asks if you’ve had a good new year.
It’s the 2nd of January – you don’t f*cking know because this year hasn’t yet concluded.

Do you have an adult joke about the New Year? Write down the dirty puns in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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