25 Dirty Lord Of The Rings Jokes for Adult Tolkienite

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Jessica Amlee

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Toss out all your ideas about tiny hobbits, wise old wizards, and shiny rings – Dirty Lord of the Rings is here, and it’s like Tolkien’s epic tale went on a wild, R-rated joyride through the wackiest parts of Middle-earth. Imagine if “Game of Thrones” had a wild party with “Austin Powers,” and they invited all the Middle-earth crew. It’s so full of crazy Middle-earth fun that even Gimli, the tough dwarf, would blush.  It’s a version where every solemn moment is an opportunity for a gag, leading us straight into the realm of Dirty Lord of the Rings jokes.

Think about Samwise Gamgee, the hobbit. Instead of worrying about his next meal, he’s busy making his home look nice to impress an elf girl who likes his furry feet. Imagine Legolas putting down his bow and arrows to put on sunglasses and dance with a group of dwarves in Rivendell’s fields. And Gollum? His talks to himself about his ‘Precious’ ring mean something totally different than you’d think.

Get ready for a Middle-earth where the elves’ special bread is shared with a cheeky smile, the giant tree creatures have funny side jobs, and the scary Balrog monster has secrets more shocking than just fire and lava. So grab your snacks (and maybe something strong to drink), because Dirty Lord of the Rings is going to be the craziest, funniest journey you’ve ever had in Tolkien’s famous world.

Adult LOTR Jokes

What happened when Pippin got drunk?
He began to feel Merry.

What do LotR and Brokeback Mountain have in common?
Someone’s ring gets broken.

What LOTR movie makes every American cry?
The two towers.

What do you call a very rude Hobbit?
A douchebaggins.

Yo mama so ugly, she has the breath of an Orc, the face of a Dwarf, and the feet of a Hobbit.

Why didn’t Gandalf bring h**kers to Bilbo’s birthday party?
Because he is not a conjurer of cheap tricks.

What role did the man without limbs get in The Lord Of The Rings?

What happens when two Ents meet an Ent-wife?
A tree-way.

Who is Bruce Lee’s dwarf brother?
Gim Lee.

In the original draft of Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King, JRR Tolkien wrote that Bilbo Baggins died while having sex with a dwarf prostitute…
Apparently, old hobbits die hard.

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What do you call a magic drug deal?
A Gandalf handoff.

Why did Bilbo have a boner at his own funeral?
Because old Hobbits die hard. Frodo also had a boner at the funeral, cause he had mourning wood.

What do you call a hobbit who cut off her husband’s p*nis?
A Bobbitt.

Why do dwarfs laugh while running?
Because the grass tickles their balls!

An Orc and an Elf are sitting at a tavern looking at a pretty hobbit girl.
“I took her on a date last night,” bragged the Orc. “And she let me reach under the table and diddle her hairy tw*t!”
“Liar.” Says the Elf. “It’s true! She loved it. Go ask her.” Says the Orc.
So the Elf approaches the pretty Hobbit. “Is it true that you went on a date with that Orc?”
“Oh yes, he was wonderful.” Says the hobbit. “Best foot massage I ever had.”

Who is the naughtiest hobbit?
D*ldo Baggins.

Why did the man name his enlarged prostate ‘Gandalf’?
Because every time he tries to go, it shouts “YOU SHALL NOT P*SS!”

Why are prostitutes like the Elves from Lord of the Rings?
When you know them well enough they tell you their true name.

What do you say to a transs*xual who likes LOTR?
“You shall not pass!”

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A hobbit walks into a hospital room.
His grandfather was on his deathbed. After talking to him, he lay down and closed his eyes. He slowly got an erection. Everyone in the room was slightly confused. Sensing the tension in the room, he whispered something in his grandson’s ear and died. When others asked him what it was, he replied, “OLD HOBBITS DIE HARD.”

Did you hear about the dwarf who overdosed on Viagra?
He’s a little stiff now.

What do Madeline McCann and lord of the Rings have in common?
Both rings were destroyed in the end.

Do you have an adult joke about Lord of the Rings? Write down the dirty puns in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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