Looking for a laugh to help take your mind off of your allergy symptoms? Look no further than our blog, where we’ve compiled an extensive collection of the funniest allergy jokes on the web.
Our jokes cover everything from the most common allergies (like peanuts, dairy, and pollen) to the most unusual (like an allergy to water, which is a real thing!). Whether you prefer puns, one-liners, or longer stories, we’ve got something that will make you smile. Plus, our jokes are guaranteed to be safe for people with allergies, so you don’t have to worry about any unexpected allergic reactions.
After all, we believe that laughter truly is the best medicine, and we’re here to provide a dose of allergy humor whenever you need it.
Best Allergy Jokes
Any food allergies among the readers?
Because this is gonna get a little corny, and a little nutty.
How do you kill a guy with a coconut allergy?
You put a bounty on his head.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Alpaca.
(Alpaca who?)
Alpaca the tissues, I have allergies!
If you have a cat and seem to be having allergy issues simply wash your cat three times a day.
And it will leave!
What type of chips suffers from allergies?
Nachoos.
How bad are the allergies from pollen this year?
Drug addicts are converting their meth back into Sudafed.
What do you call an arachnid that constantly complains about its allergies?
Itchy bitchy spider.
Did you hear about a survey that said that people that sleep with their pets get fewer allergies and help the immune system and they live longer?
Bullshit… Johnny tried sleeping with his goldfish and nearly drowned.
What do you call a rat with allergies?
Rat a-choo ouille.
What do you call a Roman emperor with bad allergies?
Julias Snaesar.
It’s allergy season upon us, so remember to say “pika” before you sneeze.
And if you forget, just say “bacca” after!
What do you call the last episode of a show about allergies?
A sneezon finale.
Yo mama’s allergy to nuts is so bad, they teabagged her and she had an asthma attack.
Why did the man with the peanut allergy die in prison?
He was sentenced to the nuthouse.
Which US state has allergies?
MassACHOOsetts.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Ach.
(Ach who?)
Bless you! You must have allergies.
Why did the man with a wheat allergy eat bread?
He was a gluten for punishment.
What do you call a vampire with allergies?
Nosefor-achoo!
A woman is stung by a bee on a golf course.
She goes into anaphylactic shock due to an allergy and they take her to a doctor.
“Where was she stung?” asked the doctor.
“Between the first and second hole.”
“Well, she may need to work on her stance.”
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Allergies.
Recommended: Spring Jokes
Did you hear about the French man who could only count to seven?
He had a Huit allergy.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Hay.
(Hay who?)
Hay fever is nothing to sneeze at!
How do you kill a guy with a coconut allergy?
You put a bounty on his head.
How did the school bullies kill a kid with a nut allergy?
They would always pecan him.
What do snakes make when they have allergies?
HISStamine.
Teacher: Does anybody have any food allergies?
Carl: Pollen.
Teacher: Well, you don’t eat pollen, do you?
Carl: No ma’am, I’m allergic.
Why is it risky for kids with dairy allergies to attend Christmas Eve church services?
There’s a whey in the manger.
Do you wanna know why people with shell fish allergies can’t be body builders?
Because they can’t have mussels.
What kind of tool fixes allergies?
A Benadryl.
What does a policeman use to arrest allergies?
Hand-coughs.
Two witches are talking.
Witch 1: What’s wrong?
Witch 2: The doctor says I can’t have kids.
Witch 1: Now, now, food allergies aren’t the end of the world.
What does Buzz Lightyear take for allergies?
Zurgtec.
Why are people with dairy allergies afraid of horses?
Because they lack toes.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Hatch.
(Hatch who?)
Bless you! Your allergies must be acting up.
What did Julius Ceasar say when he experienced stabbing pain due to his allergies?
“Achoo, Brute!”
Jimmy sneezed in front of his stuttering friend and said, “Man, my sinuses are on fire.”
“I-i-is i-i-it an-an-allergy?” he asked.
Jimmy said, “No, it’s a metaphor.”
Who will survive No Nut November the longest?
The people with a severe nut allergy.
Recommended: Nut Jokes
What did the man say to the Queen when she had allergies?
“Bless you your sinus.”
Which pokemon should you avoid if you have allergies?
A Pikachoo.
Why couldn’t the guy that had a fungus allergy work in large storage rooms?
Because there was too much room.
On a flight, a guy and a woman are seated together.
The woman appears to be allergic to something. She sneezes and pulls out a tissue. Instead of cleaning her nose, she tucks it beneath her skirt and scrubs the space between her legs.
He is stunned and can’t believe what he has just witnessed. He waits for her to sneeze again, and when she does, he repeats the process. She takes out a tissue and wipes the area between her legs.
She repeats it three times until he explodes, “So, what’s the deal, lady? You wipe a tissue between your legs every time you sneeze. Are you attempting to drive me insane?”
She says “I apologize sir. But I have this condition where every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm.”
“Oh. Are you taking anything to help it?”
“Yes. Pepper”.
Why should Alphabetti Spaghetti be avoided if you have allergies?
As it may contain N, U, T, S!
What do you call a savior who has allergies?
Sneezes Christ.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Pollen.
(Pollen who?)
Pollen all my friends about my allergies.
Did you hear about that group of allergy sufferers seeking equal rights?
They’re a bunch of phlegminists.
What do you call a Japanese who’s prone to allergies?
Ichinose.
Did you hear about the guy who has a nut allergy and decided to spread peanut butter on his dick to make it swell?
He calls it anaphylactic c*ck.
A young woman goes to her doctor about two small rashes on her thighs.
The doctor tests her for allergies, and then asks, “Ma’am, are you a lesbian?”
The woman stares for a second, then says, “Yes, I am. Why?”
“There’s the problem.” the doctor said. “Tell your girlfriend to stop wearing cheap earrings.”
Why do some women with allergies prefer men with Erectile dysfunction?
Because they are nut-free.
Have you heard about gay bees with allergies?
They come out in hives.
What’s the most common allergy among gay men?
Heeeeeeyyyy fever.
What do you call a Chinese kid with a cat allergy?
Starved.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Dust.
(Dust who?)
Dust me or my allergies will make me sneeze!
What do you call a person with a nut allergy?
A Lesbian.
What’s the difference between a corn farmer with allergies and a prostitute with diarrhea?
One shucks between fits.
Do you have a funny allergy joke? Post your own allergy puns in the comment section below!
Someone stole my allergy medicine,
I don’t know who took it, but I’m looking Ah-Choo!