80 Funny Nut Jokes And Puns That Are Acorn-y

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Jessica Amlee

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It’s not uncommon for people to make jokes or puns about nuts, as they can be seen as humorous or silly. For example, someone might make a joke about being “nutty” or “going nuts,” which could be a way of saying that they are acting crazy or foolish. 

There are many different types of nuts, and each type has its own unique characteristics that can be used for comedic effects. For example, a person might make a joke about being “peanut brittle” when they are feeling fragile or “nutty as a fruitcake” when they are acting strangely. Also, let’s not forget that Deez Nuts is one of the most famous punchlines of a setup joke in which someone is asked a vaguely framed question in order to elicit a follow-up question in response. Read on!

Best Nut Jokes

What is Captain Kirk’s least favorite nut?

Did you know that TON spelled backward is NUT?
No, it’s not.

Did you hear about someone who just got over his addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts?
It was a Rocky Road.

What did the nut say when it sneezed?

What do you call a Poltergeist that nuts a lot?
A Ghostbuster.

If you shook yo mama’s family tree, nothing but nuts would come down.

Did you hear that archaeologists found a mummy adorned with ancient nuts and wrapped in gold foil?
They believe it may be the legendary Pharaoh Rocher.

What’s the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1.50 a pound. Deer Nuts are under a Buck.

What did the one saggy boob say to another saggy boob?
“We need some support soon. Otherwise, people will start to think we’re nuts.”

Did you hear about the turkey that dipped his nuts in margarine?
They say he had Butterballs.

A guy walks into a bar, and takes a seat, noticing that he’s the only customer.
The only person present is a bartender who is on his phone and waves to signal that he will be with him as soon as possible.
The man nods and waits, but then he hears a little voice exclaim, “Nice shirt!” He glances around but sees no one but the bartender, who is still on the phone.
He shrugs, convinced he’s hallucinating when he hears a similar voice exclaim, “Smart haircut, gorgeous!” He looks around uneasily again, but no one nearby could have spoken to him.
Then he hears another gentle little voice, similar to the first two, “You’re really looking sharp today, have you lost weight?”
At this point, the man is extremely perplexed, until he notices that the voices appear to be coming from a bowl of nuts on the bar counter.
At that point, the bartender has finished his phone call and walks over to see what the man wants to order.
“What’s the deal with these nuts?” the guy asks. The bartender shrugs, saying, “They’re complimentary.”

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
It’s your boy Dee, open up!
(Dee, who?)
Deez nuts!

Recommended: Deez Nuts Jokes

Do you like Imagine Dragons?
Imagine draggin’ DEEZ NUTS across your face!

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Candice who?)
Candice nuts fit in your mouth?

What does a robot do at the end of a one-night stand?
He nuts and bolts.

Yo mamas house is like a Snickers bar, packed full of nuts.

What do oak trees and absentee fathers have in common?
Nuts and leaves.

How do you make a room full of epileptics go nuts?
Ask someone with Parkinson’s disease to turn off the lights.

Male bees die after mating. That’s basically their entire lives.
Honey. Nut. Cheerio.

Two dogs on a coffee break.
Dog 1: Heard a great joke.
Dog 2: Oh yeah?
Dog 1: Knock kn-
Dog 2 goes fuckin’ nuts.

Why do they call almond milk, almond milk?
Because nut juice just wouldn’t be appropriate.

Do you know that there’s such a gap between men’s and women’s sports?
The difference is nuts.

Why did the walnut cross the road?
To get away from the Nutcracker.

Recommended: Nutcracker Jokes

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts. This ain’t no ordinary bl*wjob.

What do you call when cops arrest a clinically insane person?
“Busting a nut?

What’s green and yellow and eats nuts?

Why can’t a squirrel ever forget his ex?
He always remembers where he put his nut.

Why was the almond tree on her last nerve?
Because every one of her kids were nuts.

A man walks into his psychiatrist’s office.
He was dressed in nothing but cellophane.
The psychiatrist takes one look and says, “Clearly I can see your nuts!”

What do you call a group of chess players going over their favorite wins in a hotel lobby?
Chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Have you heard of the Ancient Greek hero Bophades?
He’s a lot like Achilles, but instead, his weak point was his groin. You’ve heard of Achilles Heel but did you know about Bophades’ nuts?

Did you hear about the guy who dipped his testicles in glitter?
Pretty nuts, right?

What time of the year do most squirrels die?
No nut November.

Recommended: NNN Memes

What’s a guy doing when he’s donating sperm for money?
A nut job.

Why are chipmunks so smart after they eat?
Post nut clarity.

What does a karate master keep in his pants?
Gi’s nuts.

What do you call a set of nuts on the wall?
What do you call a set of nuts on your chest?
What do you call a set of nuts on your chin?
A mouth full of c*ck!

How do you make a peach crumble?
Kick him in the nut.

What’s the angriest kind of nut?
A pissed-achio!

What do you call a squirrel that doesn’t eat nuts?

What kind of nut can be flushed down the toilet?

What snacks are served at mental asylums?

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.

So a pirate walks into a bar with a ship’s wheel shoved down his pants.
The bartender asks, “What’s that ship’s wheel doing down your pants?!”
The pirate replies, “Arr, I dunno, but it’s drivin’ me nuts!”

Do you know why some women are lesbians?
Because they’re allergic to nuts.

Recommended: Lesbian Jokes

What do you see when the Pillsbury dough boy bends over?

What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.

What is an Acorn?
In a nut shell, it’s an oak tree.

What did the pistachio say to its shell?
“You’re a nut case.”

Do you know why Aldi’s doesn’t sell its own brand of nuts?
Because it’s would be called Aldi’s Nuts.

Who’s the opposite of Usain Bolt?
You insane nut.

What’s a deer’s favorite dessert?

Can you imagine the first time one of our ancestors had an allergic reaction?
Bet it was nuts.

Why do squirrels make good psychiatrists?
They love being around nuts.

What do you call Bigfoot when he gets kicked in the nuts?

What’s a steering wheel doing in your pants?
Driving you nuts.

Why do nuts make great cashiers?
Because they cashew out.

Have you heard about the squirrel diet?
It’s totally nuts!

Why can’t Frankenstein have any children?
Because his nuts are in his neck!

What do scholars eat when they’re hungry?
Academia nuts.

What do crazy people use as jockstraps?
Nut cases.

What’s a proctologist’s favorite food?
Poo-nut butt-er.

What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.

Why did the Spanish guy buy two nuts instead of one?
Because he likes dos nuts.

What happens if you put a nut into the microwave?
You pinch the other one with the door.

What do you call post nut clarity?
Cumming to your senses.

What is it called when a Canadian man ej*culates?
Maple Nut.

What do a squirrel and a teenage boy have in common?
Both are trying to hide their nut.

How does a cricketer bust a nut?
Through a masterstroke.

Would j*zz be more sticky than glue or not?
Of course nut.

What is a p*rnstar’s favorite kind of nut?

Recommended: P*rnstar Jokes

If a bra can be called an “over the shoulder boulder holder,” what is a jock strap?
An “under the butt nut hut.”

What is a wealthy owl’s favorite type of nut?
Cash hoos!

What do you call a bloke with some nuts stuck to his upper lip?
A pistachioed gentleman.

What fish taste like nuts?

What did the beekeeper do to get fired?
Nut ‘n honey!

Have a better nut joke? Post your own nutty puns and one-liners in the comment section!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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