60 Funny AIDS Jokes And Puns You Cannot Share With An HIV

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Jessica Amlee


AIDS, a condition that took the world by storm in the late 20th century, is caused by the human immunodeficiency virus (HIV). It systematically weakens the immune system, making the body a playground for opportunistic infections. Every year on December 1st, we observe World AIDS Day – a time to show solidarity with the millions affected and to raise awareness about the disease. It’s a day of reflection, remembrance, and education. But in the quirky corners of the internet and dark-humored social circles, it’s also a day that has spawned a rather controversial form of humor: AIDS jokes. Treading the fine line between humor and sensitivity, these jokes have become a bizarre way of coping with the grim reality of the disease.

AIDS jokes, often brimming with dark humor, can be seen as a coping mechanism for some, while for others, they’re a taboo topic. They reflect an odd intersection where comedy meets tragedy, providing a stark look at how humor is used to deal with difficult topics. But it’s a slippery slope. For every person who laughs at the absurdity of these jokes, there’s someone who might find them in poor taste, insensitive, or even hurtful. It’s a peculiar dance of wit and darkness, one where the punchlines might either hit the mark or miss it by a mile. These jokes are not just about being funny; they’re a window into how society deals with pain, loss, and the unspoken – a testament to the saying that sometimes, you’ve got to laugh to keep from crying.

Best AIDS Jokes

Why is common sense like AIDS?
Some are born with it while others have to get it pounded into them.

How is glitter the AIDS of the craft department?
Once it gets on you, it never goes away.

What are the first symptoms of AIDS?
A pounding sensation in the a**.

One in every 2 and a half men is HIV positive.

Ever heard the joke about the baby with AIDS?
Aww, man. It never gets old.

Did you hear our best AIDS joke?
You haven’t? Never mind, we don’t want to spread it.

Why do some people dislike a joke about AIDS?
Eh, never mind, you probably won’t get it.

A man walks into a clinic.
He asks, “Doctor, can I get AIDS from a toilet seat?”
The doctor replies, “Yes, but only by sitting down before the last guy gets up.”

What’s meaner than a pitbull with AIDS?
The man who gave it to him. Via shared needles.

How did the tugboat get AIDS?
It was rear-ended by a ferry.

What’s a gay crocodile’s worst nightmare?

Which STD is transmitted through sound?
Hearing aids.

What STD do sailors get the most?

What’s the difference between having AIDS and having kids?
Everyone considers you a hero if you beat AIDS.

What’s more fearsome than a Grizzly bear with AIDS?
The guy he got it from.

A man takes his wife to the doctor. The doctor says, “Well, its either aids or Alzheimer’s.”
“What do you mean?” the guy says, “You can’t tell the difference?”
“Well, the two look a lot alike in the early stages.” said the doctor, “Tell you what, drive her way out into the country. Once your there kick her out of the car. If she finds her way back, don’t have sex with her.”

What if life gives you AIDS?
Make Lemon-AIDS.

How did humanity discover AIDS?
They f*cked around and found out.

AIDS, herpes, syphilis, and a timeshare. Which one doesn’t belong?
Syphilis. You can get rid of that.

What do you call a sugar daddy with HIV?
Financial AIDS.

How did David Copperfield get HIV?
From doing Magic.

A gay man goes to the doctor and is diagnosed with AIDS.
The man is of course devastated but asks the doctor if there is anything that can be done.
“Yes,” says the doctor. “Go home and eat a pound of Chili, one dozen of unpeeled carrots, three cups of bran, half a pound of jalapeños, half a pound of licorice, and wash it all down with a gallon of prune juice.”
“Will that cure me?” asks the patient hopefully.
“No,” replies the doctor. “But it will teach you what your a**hole is for.”

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What’s the hardest part of a vegetable that has AIDS?
The wheelchair.

Who was patient zero for AIDS?

What’s the best thing about AIDS?
You’re always positive.

How did Aids originally jump from chimpanzees to humans?
Tarzan was not a virgin when he met jane.

A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, “Give it to me straight doc!”
The doctor replies, “That’s impossible, we’re both male.” They both laugh and the doctor says, “Besides, I don’t want AIDS”

A guy and a girl go out on a date.
It’s going so well, that she invites him back to her place. They do the horizontal mambo late into the night. Around sunrise, she leaps up in a panic.
“What!? what!?” says the man.
“I forgot to ask you, you don’t have AIDS, do you!?” she asks.
“Whew! I don’t wanna get that sh*t again.”

What does a broken thermometer and AIDS have in common?
They’ve both wasted Mercury.

What does AIDS stand for?
A** Injected Death Sentence.

What’s the result of unprotected phone sex?
Hearing AIDS.

How did the Romans contract AIDS?
From a high five.

An Irishman named O’Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O’Malley in the eye and said, “I’ve some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can’t be cured, you’d best put your affairs in order.”
O’Malley was shocked and saddened; but of solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room. To his son who had been waiting, O’Malley said, “Well son. We Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I have cancer. Let’s head for the pub and have a few pints.”
After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O’Malley’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.
O’Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, “I have been diagnosed with AIDS.”
The friends gave O’Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, O’Malley’s son whispered his confusion.
“Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!”
O’Malley said, ” I don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I’m gone.”

Why do some people love volunteering at the AIDS clinic?
Everybody is so positive.

Did you hear the one about the slutty accountant?
She gave everyone in the office financial aids.

What’s the most common STD at festivals?

Did you hear about the 80 year old lady with AIDS?
She had one in each ear!

What’s the hardest part when your ex tells you she is HIV positive?
Trying to act surprised.

What does a preacher have in common with an HIV patient?
They spread positivity.

A very tall man walks into a bar.
and a lady recognizes him as a pro-Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.
They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
“What’s that for?” the lady questions.
“Oh, I have this so that when I’m on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me.”
Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.
‘What’s that ?’ the lady questions again.
“Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV.”
Then the man drops his underwear and on his manhood, he has a tattoo that says ‘AIDS.’
The lady screams, “Don’t tell me you have AIDS!”
The man replies, “No, no…!!! Calm down… it will say ADIDAS in a minute.

Did you hear what the spaghetti said it found out it had AIDS?
“Oh no, I’m HIV pasta-ive!”

What kind of AIDS will kill you the fastest?

What’s the worst score one can get on an AIDS test?

What if Africa had more mosquito nets?
We could save millions of mosquitoes from dying of aids every year!

How did Dracula get aids?
He had unsafe necks.

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Two people meet at a party for Leprosy patients. They decide to have sex.
Afterward, the woman says to the man, “BTW, I’m HIV positive.”
The man responds cheerfully, “No problem! My dick fell off inside….”

Why do people have sex with people with HIV?
They want to go out with a bang.

The bubonic plague, the flu, and HIV walk into a bar.
The bartender asks, “What is this? Some kind of sick joke?”

What does eating HIV-tainted food do, you ask?
AIDS digestion.

What is the most positive thing in Harlem?

Police find gay couple dead of AIDS from anal sex,
It was a double homocide.

What’s the best thing about dying through AIDS?
The homies would know that you didn’t die a virgin.

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

What’s more dangerous than a bulldog with AIDS?
The guy who gave it to him.

What does the + in LGBTQ+ stand for?
Positive for AIDS.

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In the US, f*gs give you AIDS.
In the UK, they give you cancer.

What do you get when you put a gay Canadian flight attendant in the same room as a monkey?
An AIDS epidemic.

What do you call a Chinese with AIDS?

What childhood game is also the cure for AIDS?
Kill the carrier.

Why’d they call the 80s the 80s?
Because of all the AIDS.

What do you call a gay couple at the poker table?
A pair of AIDS.

Do you have a funny AIDS joke? Write down your own AIDS puns in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

2 thoughts on “60 Funny AIDS Jokes And Puns You Cannot Share With An HIV”

  1. My gay friend’s had an 80’s themes costume party.
    I came dressed up as AIDS. Nobody really knew what I was at the start of the party, but by the end, everybody got it.


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