America, often referred to as the land of opportunity, is a vast melting pot of cultures, accents, and a staggering number of fast-food options. It’s a place where you can find a cheeseburger at any hour of the day, and the national pastime seems to be debating which state has the worst drivers. In this sprawling nation, you can start your morning with surfing in California and end your night watching a Broadway show in New York. It’s a country where the eagles soar high, and so do the healthcare bills. From the star-spangled banner to the stripes of a crosswalk, everything seems to be part of a grand, bold statement. And it’s within this colorful and dynamic backdrop that America jokes find their home, poking fun at the quirks and idiosyncrasies of life in the good old U.S. of A.
America jokes are like a playful road trip across the States, stopping at every landmark of humor along the way. They often revolve around the larger-than-life aspects of American life – like how a shopping trip can turn into a cardio workout or the mysterious way one can never find a pen in a bank. These jokes are a lighthearted nod to the diverse, often eccentric experiences that make up the American tapestry. They remind us that while America might have its share of peculiarities, it’s these very traits that provide endless material for good-hearted humor and unite the country in a shared chuckle.
Best America Jokes
Nothing is built in America these days. Little Johnny’s father just bought a TV and it said: “Built In Antenna!”
Johnny doesn’t even know where that is!
Why doesn’t America parade its new military hardware and tanks down the main street like other countries?
Because they prefer to parade it down the main street IN other countries.
What superhero can beat Captain America?
Captain Vietnam.
What is the holiest city in the United States of America?
Toledo.
What is a Karen called in Europe?
An American.
What will the temperature of the water be when you visit America?
It depends on what state it’s in!
What does the H in America stand for?
Healthcare.
What’s the largest city in America?
Obesity.
An Englishman goes on a hunting tour of the Americas. He first stops in Canada, where he shoots a large male grizzly bear.
In order to ease the transportation of his trophy, the Englishman cuts the bear into pieces, separating the legs, the arms, and the head from the torso. He then continues his tour southward crossing the border into the USA.
At the border, a customs agent checks his belongings. “Sir,” says the agent “You appear to have a bear’s head, legs, and torso among your possessions, which are all banned. I’m going to have to confiscate them”
“And what about the arms?” enquires the Englishman.
“Sir, this is America” replies the agent. “You have the right to bear arms.”
Isn’t weird that America believes in education?
The average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete makes in a whole day.
What’s the most depressing place to live in America?
Missouri.
America has been having a lot of bad luck lately.
It’s almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Did you hear about the guy who survived the most dangerous place in America?
And all he got was this lousy diploma.
What‘s the difference between America and yogurt?
If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it will grow a culture.
A Canadian visits America and gets held at gunpoint by a stranger.
The stranger says, “Give me all your money and I’ll let you live!”
The Canadian replies gleefully, “Oh! You must be what they call a doctor!”
Did you hear about the merging of two major banks from Mexico and America?
They’re calling the new company CapitalJuan.
Recommended: Mexican Jokes
A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border.
He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:
“What happened?” asked his family.
“Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!” he said. “Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me, and said, “Jose, can you see?”
What’s the difference between Thailand and America?
Thailand reunites boys with their families.
What is the National Sport of the United States of America?
Depends on which one is on TV right now.
How come there aren’t any knock-knock jokes about America?
Because freedom rings.
What do you call a bee from America?
A USB.
What do you call smart person in America?
A tourist.
What’s the difference between an American and a computer?
An American doesn’t have troubleshooting.
How do you get America to enter a World War?
Tell them it’s almost over.
400 years ago, England sent their criminals to Australia and Puritans to America.
Sounds like Australia got the better deal
Recommended: Australia Jokes
Why did Australia get all the criminals while America got all the Puritans?
Because Australia won the coin toss.
A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, “Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity.” “Oy vey,” said the father. “What have I done?”
He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, “Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do.”
So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, “Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do.”
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, “funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Isreal…”
What’s the most unfair thing about American politics?
They get 50 choices for Miss America, but only two for the president.
What do you call a long piece of writing about America?
A U essay.
What’s the difference between America and Canada?
The Americans have really nice neighbors.
Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance?
Nether. They’re immigrants in America.
What’s the oldest red wine in America?
“Give us back our land!”
Why wasn’t Jesus born in America?
He couldn’t find 3 wise men or a virgin.
Why is America bad at League of Legends?
Because they can’t defend towers.
Recommended: England Jokes
What do you get when you cross Captain America and The Hulk?
The Star Spangled Banner.
Some Canadians were fishing in Lake Erie, and the wind gradually blew them into American waters. After a couple of hours, an American coast guard boat came alongside.
“You guys aren’t allowed to fish here. You can only catch Canadian fish!”
“We are only catching Canadian fish.”
“What are you talking about? You are in American waters, so you are catching American fish.”
“Nah, whenever we catch one with a big mouth, we throw it back.”
Why do they need to add three more states to the United States of America?
53 states would make it a prime number; One nation, indivisible.
Have you seen the latest Japanese camera?
It’s fast enough to capture an American with his mouth shut.
Why do Germans love Americans?
Because Americans are the most hated people in the world now.
If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks many languages is multilingual, then what do you call someone who speaks one language?
An American.
What do you call an American bison who goes to the gym?
A buff fellow.
How many of your countrymen have to commit terrorist acts against the US for them to invade and occupy your country for a decade?
None.
Recommended: School Shooting Jokes
Two families move from Pakistan to America. When they arrive the two fathers make a bet to see, in a years time, which family has become more Americanized.
A year later they meet again. The first man says,”My son is playing baseball. I had breakfast at McDonalds and im on my way to pick up a case of Bud Light.
How about you?”
The second man replies, “Go back to your sand country, towel head.”
How come most buildings in America don’t have a thirteenth floor?
Because most buildings are shorter than that.
Why are so many movies made in America?
Because they like shooting things.
What do a fat person in America and a rich person in the UK have in common?
They have a lot of pounds.
Why does everyone in America wear sleeveless tops?
Because in the U.S. they have the right to bare arms.
What is the number one cause of divorce in America?
Marriage.
Which bus was the first to go from Spain to America?
Columbus.
Why do Americans hate jokes about 9/11?
They fly over their heads.
Recommended: 9/11 Jokes
What do Ancient Egypt and Modern Day America have in common?
They both are into pyramid schemes.
How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?
Just kidding, you can’t change anything in the United States.
Do you know that America is still a land of promise?
Especially during a political campaign.
Why did the T-Rex immigrate to America?
He wanted the right to bear arms.
What’s America’s favorite kind of tea?
Liber-tea.
Guess who were the best presidents of America?
JFK and Abraham Lincoln. They were pretty open minded people.
What is America’s favorite food?
Seconds.
What did Trump say when he picked up the cheese shredder?
“With this, I will make America grate again.”
Around 80% of all Asi*ns that move to America get cataracts.
The remaining 20% usually buy chevrorets, rexus, or rincoln. Some even get rand lover.
Recommended: Asi*n Jokes
Do you know that half of men in America watch p*rn every day?
The other half are waiting for Comcast to fix their internet connection.
What happens if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight?
There would be mass confusion.
Do you have a funny America joke? Write down your own America puns in the comment section below!
I’m American, and I’m sick of hearing that America is the stupidest country in the world.
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world…