70 Funny Amish Jokes Suited for a Good Old-Fashioned Laugh

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Jessica Amlee

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The Amish are known for their simple living, plain dress, and reluctance to adopt modern technology. Imagine living in a world where ‘tweeting’ is something only birds do, and ‘going viral’ means catching a cold. Their lifestyle is like a permanent ‘throwback Thursday’. They’re the folks who make your grandma’s old-fashioned ways look like a sci-fi movie. And in a world where speed is everything, they take it slow, proving that horses can indeed keep up with horsepower. This unique way of life, where zippers are a no-no, but a good old-fashioned barn raising is a definite yes, sets the stage for some good-natured Amish jokes.

Now, Amish jokes are a bit like the Amish themselves: they don’t need bells and whistles to be funny. They’re like a horse and buggy on the comedy highway, cruising at a leisurely pace but still getting you to the laugh factory. They’re not about punchlines that hit you faster than a Wi-Fi connection; they’re more about a chuckle that’s hand-crafted like Amish furniture. These jokes don’t need a setup that’s plugged into an outlet; they’re powered by the simple, often amusing observations of a lifestyle that says no to Netflix but yes to quilting bees. In the world of humor, Amish jokes are that rare, hand-sewn quilt in a shop full of mass-produced blankets.

Best Amish Jokes

What did the Amish woman do that got her kicked out of the church?
Too Mennonite.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Oh &*%^$%&!
It’s the Amish! There goes the party.

What sort of raisin does an Amish person prefer?
A barn raisin.

How many Amish people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A what?

What goes ‘pataclop, pataclop, pataclop, ratatata, pataclop, pataclop?’
An Amish drive-by shooting.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Amish Who?)
Awwww How sweet. I miss you too.

What makes ordinary Gatorade different from Amish Gatorade?
Amish Gatorade has no electric lights.

Have you heard about the Amish children’s cooking competition prize?
Whichever kiddo makes the best egg dish gets to keep the Amlet omelet amulet.

What are Amish children called?

What do you call a group of Amish witches?
A Dutch coven.

In Amish country, a Ferrari is driving. It goes off the road and into a ditch.
The man emerges unscathed and looks at his car in dismay. A few minutes later, an Amish man in a horse and cart passes past. “Would you like any help, English?” asks the Amish man. The man instantly replies he will, and the Amish man swiftly dismounts and attaches his horse to the car. “Okay, Nelly, pull!” The horse is still immobile. “Now, pull, Chester!” Again, the horse does nothing. “Come on, Blacky, pull!”
After a few strides, the horse simply pulls the car out of the ditch and back onto the road. “Woah, Blacky, that’s good!” exclaims the Amish guy, and the horse comes to a halt. “I truly appreciate the assistance, but why did you call that horse by three different names?” the driver asks the Amish man. “Oh,” the Amish man responds,” That horse is blind. He’s easily strong enough to accomplish it, you see, but if he believed he was doing it alone he wouldn’t even try.”

Why is it difficult for the Amish to travel?
Their transit system is a little buggy.

What do you call an Amish man who has his arm up his horse’s arse?
A mechanic.

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Why don’t the Amish water ski?
Because their horses would drown.

What do the Amish people call a jar full of honeybees?
A vibrator.

What can be expected of an Amish man after a one-night stand?
He never calls back.

What’s a fact about the Amish?
The very first self-driving vehicle was invented by the Amish in the 1700s… The horse worked fine, but the car was a little buggy.

A couple of Amish girls visit New York City and they decide to taste hot dogs for the first time.
They buy two hot dogs wrapped in foil from a street vendor and sit on a nearby bench, eager to experience this new food for the first time.
The first girl opens the foil, blushes with embarrassment, and shyly asks the second girl, “What part of the dog did you get?”

They don’t bury an Amish man with his beard.
They bury him with shovels.

What was the reason for the Amish woman’s divorce from her husband?
Because he was driving her buggy.

Have you heard about the Amish Flu?
At first, you get a little horse. Then you get a little buggy but later on, you get butter.

What is your first thought about a home with no internet?
Something is Amish.

Is it true that Amish men can’t motorboat their wives?
Yes, they can only row boat them.

An Amish couple is riding down the road in their horse and buggy during a blizzard.
The woman notices a skunk on the road. “Honey, pull over, he must be freezing!” she says to her husband.
So the husband pulls over, the wife gets out, grabs the skunk, and they continue on their way.
After about 5 minutes, she turns to her husband and says, “He’s still shivering, honey! How should I do?”
The husband replied, “Oh put him up your dress, he’ll be warm then!”
The wife complains, ” Oh honey, what about the smell!”
The husband responds, “Pinch his little nose, he’ll be okay!”

When their horse and buggy break down, who do the Amish call?
Triple Neigh.

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How do Amish kids take a field trip?
They just go to a different field.

What kind of music do Amish people enjoy?
Tech no.

What would an Amish person drive if they had a car?
A Volks-wagon.

Have you heard of the new Amish rapper?
His name is Two Churnz.

For the first time, an Amish dad and his kid visit a large retail mall.
They’re marveling at all of the gleaming enormous structures and massive panes of glass when they come across two big gleaming metal doors.
“What is it, Dad?” inquired his kid.
“I have no idea,” the father said. I’ve never seen anything like it in my entire life.
They stood there in awe as an older lady approached the doors, touched a button, and stepped within the now-open doors. The doors closed again, and a 20-year-old blonde emerged a little time later.
The father said to his son, “Go get your mother!”

How do the Amish hunt deer?
They sneak up on it and build a barn around it.

What is the similarity between Sean Connery, a concrete company, baseball, and folks without technology?
A schwing and Amish!

Why were all the Mennonite youngsters kicked from the local baseball team?
Every time they came to bat it was a swing and Amish.

How can horse farts be useful?
Amish wagon window defrosters!

What’s harder than selling ice to an Eskimo?
Selling razors to the Amish.

Two Amish ladies are gathering potatoes in a field.
One Amish woman sighs as she holds up two potatoes.
“What’s the matter?” asks the other Amish woman.
“These potatoes remind me of my husband’s testicles,” the first woman remarked.
“Oh, that big?” exclaimed the second lady.
“No, that dirty.”

Did you hear about those Amish who are running wild when the sun goes down?
They’re Amish by day, but mennonite.

Why is fine to cyberbully an Amish rather than in person?
Because they won’t be able to see it.

What do hockey players and Amish girls have in common?
They both take a shower after 3 periods.

What do you call an alien who was exiled from the Amish?
A Mar-shun.

My friend wants everyone on earth to convert to the Amish.
Some people just want to watch the world churn.

How can you know if an Amish person is an alcoholic?
They keep falling off the wagon.

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In the middle of the night, an elderly Amish man wakes up hurriedly.
He goes to the outhouse after realising he needs to poop and it’s going to be a bad one. He looks around for a magazine or toilet paper once he finishes. He recalled afterwards that he had used the last page of the Sears catalogue that afternoon. Then, miraculously, he discovers a white glow on the floor. Meanwhile, his wife is lying in bed, puzzled as to what is taking him so long. Finally, the old guy returns and lies down next to his wife. “What took so long?” inquires the elderly lady.
“I had to stop and wash my hands,” says the elderly man.
“In the 50 years we’ve been married, you’ve never washed your hands after using the outhouse.”
With that old old man replies, “well in 50 years I’ve never wiped my ass with a moon beam either.”

Who is the most bored person among Amish people?
An Amish electrician.

How did the survey suggests that out of the world’s population, 0% of people are Amish?
It was an online survey.

What’s the best part of Amish jokes?
That you can put them all over the internet and they will never know.

What was the punishment for the Amish boy who went streaking at school?
He got suspendered.

My parents said I don’t have to come home until the street lights come on.
But we live in an Amish neighborhood so I think they just don’t love me.

An Amish man is returning home from his wedding in his horse carriage.
The horse comes to a halt in the middle of the road, so the man dismounts. He approaches the horse and says, “horse, that’s one.” He then returns, and the horse resumes its walk. The horse stops again, so he jumps off and punches the horse, saying “horse, that’s two.” His wife is surprised, but he ignores her. When he returns to the carriage, it begins to move again. The horse comes to a halt once more in the middle of the road. The man gets out, approaches the horse, and says, “horse, that’s three,” before shooting the horse to death.
His wife is upset and asks him why he would shoot a perfectly good horse. The man says, “Wife, that’s one.”

Why is the Amish Space Program at a stalemate?
Jebediah and the boys just cannot figure out how to get the horses to go vertical.

How do you tell the teams apart in Amish women’s basketball?
It’s skirts versus shins.

What types of dishes do they have at an Amish buffet?
Probably some kind of stoneware.

How did the Amish know they didn’t prepare their butter right?
It left their stomach churning.

The farmers who make great furniture aren’t the only ones who do so.
That’s Amish conception.

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In a pub, an Amish man, a hippie, and Jesus walk in.
An old man at the bar looks at them, shocked, and asks, “Why are three men who are so unlike travelling together?”
“I want to study the practises of the Amish to be free of materialism,” says the Hippie.
“I’ve lost trust in my people,” the Amish man continues, “and I want to study the ancient ways of Christ.”
“I go where I’m needed,” Jesus says.
“OK, it makes sense,” the old man says, “but how did you meet?”
“I was strolling down this stretch of road because my van broke down,” the Hippie explains.
“This was the only road to take when I left my community,” the Amish guy explains.
“I go where I’m needed,” Jesus responds.
“Well, why did you decide to come into this bar?” the old man asks again.
“I go where the Amish man goes,” says the Hippie.
“I follow Jesus,” says the Amish man.
“I go where I’m needed,” Jesus says.
Still perplexed, the old man turns to Jesus and asks, “Well, why are you needed here?”
“My shift starts at 5,” Jesus sighs.

Why did the Amish woman get pregnant?
Because she was seeing too many Mennonite.

What do you get when you cross an Amish man with an octopus?
Don’t know either but it sure can pick corn!

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Amish who?)
You’re not a shoe, you freaking idiot.

What do the Amish call a DUI?
Horsing around.

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Three Amish women are gathering potatoes in a field.
Jake, Jacob, and Jakey are the names of their husbands. They were usually perplexed. So they decided to give them a nickname one day. Mabel suggested that they be named after soda pop, to which the other two replied, “What do you mean?” Mabel decided she’d go first, saying, “I’ll call my Jacob 7-Up since he has 7 inches and it’s always up.” Oh, the other two adored this concept. “I’ll call my Jake Mountain Dew because he takes me to the mountain and he sure can do me,” Ella added next. They all laughed. Margaret, the previous lady, pauses for a moment before saying, “I’ll call my husband Jack Daniels.”
“That’s not a soda pop, that’s a liquor,” Mabel replied. Margaret exclaimed, “That’s my Jakey!”

Do you know why Amish SUVs get such bad mileage?
Because they’re real grass-guzzlers.

How can you tell if Amish people live on a particular road?
It has a ‘no outlet’ sign.

We went to a parade in rural Ohio yesterday and saw a lot of Amish folks.
But I did not see anyone that was completely Am.

An Amish lady is pulled over by an officer.
“I’m not going to cite you,” the officer stated. “I just wanted to let you know that the back reflector on your buggy is damaged and could be unsafe.”
“I thank thee,” the Amish lady said. “I’ll have my husband fix it as soon as I get home.”
“I also saw one of your horse’s reins is wrapped around his testicles,” the officer added. Some people may consider this cruelty to animals, so you should have your husband look into it as well.”
“I thank you once more. When I go home, I’ll have my husband double-check this.”
When the Amish lady returned home, she told her husband about the damaged reflector. He promised to put on a fresh one right away.
“The policeman also claimed there was something wrong with the emergency brake,” the Amish woman added.

What does an Amish basketball player say during a night game?
This is just a shot in the dark.

What’s crazy about the Amish strip club?
It was bonnetless.

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What do Amish teens call sex?

On a cold, windy January day, an Amish woman and her 18-year-old daughter were riding in an open buggy. “My hands are extremely chilly,” the daughter complained to her mother. “Put your hands between your knees, the body heat will warm them up,” the mother said. So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up as a result.
The daughter was travelling in the buggy with her boyfriend the next day. “My hands are terribly chilly,” the boyfriend added. “Put them between my legs, they’ll warm up,” the daughter said. The boyfriend is driving the buggy with the daughter the next day. “My nose is very cold,” he said. “Put it between my legs, it’ll warm up,” the daughter said. He did, and his nose warmed as a result. The boyfriend was travelling with the daughter the next day when he exclaimed, “My penis is frozen solid.”
The next day, while going in the buggy with her mother, the girl asks, “Have you ever heard of a penis?” “Sure, why do you ask?” says the mother. “Well, they just make a huge mess when they thaw out!” explains the daughter.

How many men does it take to make an Amish woman happy?
3 men a night.

At an Amish buffet.
Man: Do you take credit cards here?
Cashier: We do, yeah!
Man: Do you give them back?

Did you find these jokes about Amish people funny? Do let us know more puns in the comment box below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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