In a cozy corner of the internet, there’s a special spot where laughter echoes louder than anywhere else. This is the world of Cripple Jokes, where every glitch and hiccup turns into a giggle. Here, ‘malfunction’ is just another word for ‘punchline’, and ‘severely damaged’ translates to ‘seriously funny’. It’s a place where the comedy limps so you can leap with laughter, a magical mishap land where every trip, slip, or flip is an open invitation to a chuckle fest. It’s not just about making light of the mishaps but shining a spotlight on the hilarity hidden in the hiccups of life, setting the stage for the riot of Cripple Jokes.
Cripple Jokes isn’t just a collection of guffaws; it’s a comedy carnival where the rides are a bit wobbly and the games are wonderfully wonky. Imagine a joke that’s like a three-legged race, but every leg is on a different comedy track. Here, a malfunctioning toaster isn’t just a breakfast bummer, it’s the toast of the town in the comedy club. And a computer crash? Well, that’s just the universe’s way of saying it’s time to reboot the laughter. In this whimsical world, every crack in the sidewalk is a script for a sitcom, and every glitch is a cue for a giggle, proving that sometimes, the best way to face a malfunction is with a smile, a snicker, and a side-splitting Cripple Joke.
Best Cripple Jokes
What doesn’t kill you,
cripples you with medical debt.
Which Sith Lord prefers to cripple his opponents rather than kill them?
Darth Ritis.
Why some people do not like these jokes?
They can’t stand cripple jokes.
Knock knock.
(Who’s there?)
Jimmy.
(Jimmy who?) said Jimmy’s grandmother, whose crippling Alzheimer’s has robbed her of all her memories.
What’s the difference between crippling depression and crippled depression?
One can’t get out of bed because they’re depressed, the other is depressed because they can’t get out of bed.
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?
Crippling depression.
Where did the bird go when he felt sick?
To the ducktor!
But why did he feel sick?
Because he had a crippling quack addiction.
What was the crippled Frenchman’s reason for being handicapped?
“Eiffel!”
What kind of debt does a paraplegic have?
Crippling.
Recommended: Funny Disability Jokes
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in pal. You’re obviously drunk.”
The wasted man asked, “Officer, are you absolutely sure I’m drunk?”
“Yeah buddy, I’m sure,” said the cop, “Let’s go.”
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, “Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled.”
What has two legs but can not walk?
A cripple.
Why do crippled kids get picked on so much?
Because they can’t stand up for themselves.
A group of seniors were sitting at a table together at Starbucks, discussing their ailments.
“My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one.
“Yes, I know,” said another. “My cataracts are so bad; I can’t even see my coffee.”
“I couldn’t even mark an ‘X’ at election time because my hands are so crippled,” volunteered a third.
“What? Speak up! What? I can’t hear you,” said one elderly lady.
“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said one of the old folks, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
“My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!” exclaimed another.
“I forget where I am, and where I’m going,” said another.
“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man, as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.
“Well, count your blessings,” said one woman cheerfully. “Thank God we can all still drive.”
Why did 10 have crippling PTSD and anxiety?
It was directly in the middle of 9/11.
Did you hear about the man with a crippling fear of elevators?
He has started taking steps to avoid them.
A man was being sold a very cheap suit.
“But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.
“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”
“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.
“No problem,” the sales clerk answered. “Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That’s why this suit is only thirty dollars.”
After some consideration, the man decided to buy the suit. He cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit’s left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car where two doctors were walking past and noticed him.
“Good heavens. Look at that poor crippled fellow,” the first doctor said to the second.
“Yeah but doesn’t that suit fit great?”
What has a mouth but never speaks, has a bed but never sleeps, and has legs but never walks?
A mute, crippled insomniac.
A man struggled with an intense fear of becoming disabled.
He added, “It’s crippling!”
Recommended: Funny Blind Jokes
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it had crippling depression, it was constantly reminded that it’s life was worthless to those it was looked down on by. A mere piece of meat, not a living creature, worthy of respect, and dignity. It didn’t want to live in a constant state of fear and depression, knowing that it’s only purpose in life would be death. So it escaped the farm, and took off to the highway… it saw the lights, and though the creature feared death, it was relieved to be free from the fear that plagued it.
So in short… to get to the other side.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says “Hey, why the long face?”
“Because I have a crippling addiction to alcohol,” says the horse.
What do you call a row of crippled boxers?
A bad punchline.
There’s a crippled old beggar on a sidewalk in El Paso with a sign and a paper cup.
A businessman stops, reads the sign that says ‘Disabled Vet’, and decides to give him a few dollars.
“Look on the bright side,” he says. “Things could be worse- you could be blind!”
“I know what you mean..” says the beggar, “When I was blind, people only gave me pesos!”
What do you call dinosaurs with crippling anxiety?
Nervous Rex.
What do you call it when the loan shark comes to your house and breaks your legs?
Crippling debt.
A newbie hunter asked an experienced old hunter how to hunt bears.
The old man answered:” It is easy, my son. I’ve hunted hundreds of bears in my life. You just need to grab your gun and take a ride to some mountains nearby. First, find a cave or stone cavern that might shelter a bear. Second, make some ‘Woo! Woo!’ sound so that the bear inside would mistake it as a signal of its companion. It would also produce that same sound as feedback. After it comes out, you just pull the trigger. Easy? “The newbie nodded and exited without coming back for months. After a long time, the old hunter saw that newbie on a street and found him crippled, with an ear lost and an eye blind. He asked him what happened. The newbie says, “I did as you told me before. But god damn it, when something inside that cavern answered my ‘Woo! Woo!’, I didn’t expect a train would come out and hit me!”
What do you call three disabled people fighting?
Cripple threat match.
What do you call a crippled pothead?
A baked potato.
A blind and a crippled man go to a bullfight
At the bullfight, the announcer says: Let’s have a contest now. The brave man who dares to face the bull will receive $500.
When the cripple heard this, he said to his friend, “500$! That’s a lot of money, shall we?” To which the blind responds, “Are you a fool? You being a cripple and I blind, we would not have any chance.” And then the cripple says, “No. I have an idea. We’ll go, you stay behind me. As soon as the bull is coming, I’ll push you to one side, jump to the other, and we get the money!”
The blind thinks this is a good idea and then decides to join him. They go. As soon as the bull is approaching, the cripple realizes that being crippled, he will not have time to push his friend and also escape, so he decides to abandon his friend and save himself. The bull comes with all the force and beats against the blind throwing him 5 meters behind.
The blind man goes to the hospital and the cripple decides to visit him.
“Here’s your $250,” says the cripple.
“Thank you, but do not push me so hard the next time!”
Recommended: Best No Arms And No Legs Jokes
What is the name of Bruce Lee’s crippled brother?
Broccoli.
What do you call a ditch that has had accidents leading to making people wheelchair-bound?
A crippling depression.
Little Johnny goes to church on Sunday. There, he runs into the priest.
Priest: Good morning Johnny!
Johnny: Good morning, Father.
Priest: Tell me Johnny, how is your brother Timmy doing these days?
Johnny: Well Father. Timmy is crippled you know? And just the other day Father, Timmy came to the church, took holy water, rubbed it on his right leg, and threw his crutch away!
Priest: Oh my God, a miracle in my church! We are blessed by God! Then what happened?
Johnny: Well Father, then he took holy water, rubbed it on his left leg, and threw his other crutch away!
Priest: Praise Jesus! This is truly a miracle in my church! God is great! Then what happened? Johnny?
Johnny: Well Father then he fell on his a**. he’s crippled you know?
What do you call a cripple in a zombie apocalypse?
Meals On Wheels!.
What do you call a funny cripple?
A sit down comedian.
A man gets a phone call from the hospital.
He finds out his wife has been in a bad car accident and is in critical condition. So he immediately stops what he’s doing and rushes to the hospital as fast as he can.
When he gets to the waiting room, he frantically asks the doctor, “Where is my wife? Is she okay? What happened?”
The doctor says, “I’m sorry, sir, but I’m afraid I have some bad news. The accident was more serious than we originally thought. Your wife will be crippled from the neck down. You’ll have to feed her, bathe her, and change her because she has no control over her bladder or bowels for the rest of her life.”
Hearing the news, the man falls to his knees and starts crying hysterically, “This is horrible!”
And the doctor starts laughing, “I’m just messing with you! She’s dead.”
What do you call a group of two crippled people?
A ‘pair of plegics.’
What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and three legs in the night?
A schizophrenic cripple without a leg.
Two men are standing on the ledge of a cliff. One man has a Budgie on his shoulder and the other has a parrot on his shoulder and a gun attached to his hip.
The first man with the Budgie jumps off the cliff and as he falls the Budgie immediately flies away. The man plunges to the ground, miraculously he survives but he is no doubt crippled.
The second man with the Parrot and the gun, now jumps off the cliff, and as he falls the Parrot flies away but the man quickly pulls out his gun and shoots the Parrot with pinpoint accuracy. The second man then plunges to the ground and he too manages to survive but is crippled.
The two men then begin to crawl toward each other and the first man says, “You know, I don’t see what the big fuss is about this Budgie Jumping.” The second man says, “I agree, this free-fall Parrot shooting isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be either.”
Why do cripples’ dates always go well?
They can’t get stood up.
Recommended: Funny Wheelchair Jokes
How does life feel for somebody who is short and crippled?
A little lame.
A crippled war veteran was walking down the street and walking towards him was what seemed to be another grizzled man dragging one limp foot across the sidewalk.
As they approached closer, the crippled veteran gives the other man a nod of mutual respect and says, “Vietnam. 40 years back.”
The other man replies, “Dog poop. 40 feet back.”
What did the King name the knight with crippling alcoholism?
Sir Osis.
A mad scientist released an engineered virus that killed 90% of the birds on Earth, irreparably crippling the global ecosystem.
A United Nations tribunal convicted him of murder most fowl.
There are two men in a bar. One of them happens to be a paraplegic in a wheelchair.
An argument begins between the two men and gets heated and one man punches the man in the wheelchair knocking him down. The man who was in the wheelchair looks up at the man who knocked him down and responds
“You May have won this one but when we meet in heaven I’ll get you back!”
The other man replies, “That won’t happen for 2 reasons. First, I just hit a cripple in a bar I’m not going to heaven and second, there’s a stairway to heaven not a ramp.”
Why do you never see a gay cripple?
Because you can’t be a vegetable and a fruit at the same time.
A man with a crippling stutter visits his doctor hoping for a cure.
“D D D D Doctor, you’ve g g g g got to Help m m m me, I’ll dddo anyt t t t thing.”
The doctor gives him a thorough physical examination and discovers the problem.
“Your p*nis is massive, it’s causing a great strain on your vocal chords, which is creating the stutter. I can, if you’d like, shorten your penis, and relieve the great tension on your larynx. The effects will be instantaneous, and we can operate today.”
“D D D D Do it!”
So they prep for surgery and very quickly the operation is performed. A complete success, the man leaves for home delighted to be cured.
But that night his wife is less than happy, and she urges him to reverse the surgery.
And so the next day the man arrives back at the doctor’s clinic.
“Hello doctor, and thanks for seeing me again, I’m completely cured and most of all I’m very grateful, but unfortunately my wife is not, I want to reverse the surgery.”
But the doctor replays, “N N N N N N No Refunds!”
What do you call a hole that handicaps people?
Crippling depression.
What did the deaf, blind, crippled kid get for Christmas?
Cancer.
Recommended: Funny Amputee Jokes
An attractive young female professor announces a test that would begin the next morning. No rain checks, no make-up opportunities. Be there or get a zero.
A young man in the back raises his hand, winks at the professor, and says, “But what if we’re incapable of taking the test tomorrow due to extreme, crippling s*xual exhaustion?”
The professor replies, “Then I suppose you’ll have to write the answers with your other hand.”
What is it called when you run over three disabled kids with your car?
Cripplekill.
Why won’t cannibalistic children eat h*mosexuals and cripples?
Because kids don’t like to eat fruits and vegetables.
Do you have a funny joke about cripple? Write down the puns in the comment section below!
Why did Stephen Hawkins die? He lost internet connections.