70 Funny Colonoscopy Jokes To Make You Go LMAO

For the ones who aren’t familiar with it, Gastroenterologists are the doctors who stick the camera up your butt. In this procedure, you’ll be lying on a table as the doctor inserts a colonoscope into your anus and into your rectum and colon. For a clearer look, the scope inflates your big intestine with air. A video image is sent from the camera to a monitor, allowing the doctor to examine your big intestine. To be concise, they are looking for changes like swollen, irritated tissues, polyps or cancer.

More people are being diagnosed with colorectal cancer before the age of 50. As a result, doctors are beginning to prescribe colonoscopies, or colon screenings, for people aged 45 to 49. So, the moment you are near fifty, it’s time for your colonoscopy. Now people might get uncomfortable thinking it’s gonna hurt. But they don’t hurt because they give you drugs. So relax and enjoy the Colonoscopy Jokes below.

Best Colonoscopy Jokes

Which Historical Figure do you not want a colonoscopy from?
Jack the Ripper.

What do you call an exploration mission to Uranus?
Colonoscopy.

What did the doctor ask the composer right before his colonoscopy?
“How many movements?”

What does a colonoscopy look for?
Fartifacts.

What to do If you can’t afford healthcare in the US?
Go to the airport. They give free X-rays and mammograms, and if you mention al-Qaeda, they’ll throw in a free colonoscopy too!

How is a colonoscopy like reading a book?
Once you reach the appendix, you’re done.

Did you hear about the person who paid $100.00 for the colonoscopy medication?
Now that was some expensive $h!t.

Fiance’s mom got a colonoscopy, and his dad has been taking care of her.
Every time she needs something he calls her “Your Hiney-ness.”

What kind of camera did they use for your colonoscopy?
A GoProbe.

A colonoscopy doctor walks into the bank.
He says to the banker, “I’d like to deposit a check.” The banker says, “Sure but I’m going to need you to sign here.”
The doctor reaches into his pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer. He then says “Dammit, some asshole took my pen!”

Why can you trust a politician after their colonoscopy?
That’s when they’re not full of it!

Recommended: Uranus Jokes

How is a colonoscopy like “There’s Something About Mary?
Both have a Cameron Diaz.

What does a doctor call a colonoscopy?
An ANALysis.

Why did the gastroenterologist choose this specialty?
There was an opening.

Yo mama so fat, the doctor uses an oil rig for her colonoscopy.

What’s the difference between a waiter and a proctologist?
A proctologist only has to deal with one asshole at a time.

How did the new vet screw up the pig’s colonoscopy?
He’s pretty ham-fisted.

A gastroenterologist walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “I’d offer you a booth, but I assume you want a stool.”

What happens when you forget to pay my colonoscopy bill?
Now you’re in arrears.

What is the difference between colonoscopy and endoscopy?
The taste.

What do you call a bad Gastroenterologist?
Shit for brains.

Recommended: Proctologist Jokes

A man goes in for a colonoscopy.
The doctor starts looking around and says, “Wow, I can’t see shit. I guess you can go.”

Two doctors, a psychiatrist, and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: “Dr Smith and Dr Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors.”
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, “Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.”
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to “Catatonics and High Colonics.”
No, go.
Next, they tried “Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives.”
Thumbs down again.
Then came “Minds and Behinds.”
Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in “Lost Souls and Butt Holes.”
Unacceptable again!
So they tried “Analysis and Anal Cysts.”
Not a chance.
“Nuts and Butts?”
No way.
“Freaks and Cheeks?”
Still no go.
“Loons and Moons?”
Forget it.
Almost at their wit’s end, the doctors finally came up with: “Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends.”

How do medical institutions attract people to the field of colonoscopy?
“You like photography? I have a job you gotta love, kid.”

Yo mama so stupid, she got a colonoscopy and thought she got laid.

When was the patient alarmed during the colonoscopy?
When it felt both of the doctor’s hands on his sides.

Have you heard of the golfer who opened a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.

What kind of doctor is Dr Pepper?
A gastroenterologist.

A proctologist misplaces his watch but can’t remember whose patient it was in. His head nurse instructs him to re-examine his most recent cases.
When the fourth patient arrives, the nurse turns to the doctor and says “It is he. He has your watch.”
“How can you tell?” asks the proctologist.
The nurse says, “Very easy. It’s the first time his ass is early.”

After his colonoscopy, what did Dr Watson say to Sherlock Holmes?
“No shit Sherlock.”

Yesterday a man paid a stranger to knock him unconscious, shove a foreign object up his ass and film the whole thing.
Or ss his doctor insists on calling it, a Colonoscopy.

Why is a colonoscopy camera not state-of-the-art?
Because these pictures look like crap.

What happens when someone gives a really deep speech to convince you to go for a colonoscopy?
Something touches you deep inside.

A man returns home from a colonoscopy.
His wife inquired as to how things went. He said that everything went well. “The doctor placed his right hand on my shoulder and his left hand on my ass. Actually, he placed his left hand on my shoulder and his right hand in my ass. No, he put both hands on my shoulders and….. Son of a bitch!!”

What do you think a colonoscopy costs?
A buttload.

How do you know Gastroenteritis has hit the Olympics?
All the sprinters have the runs.

Did you hear about the doctor who killed a man while giving him a colonoscopy?
He rectum.

What is the proper toast for someone drinking colonoscopy prep?
Bottoms up!

“Don’t worry, getting an erection at this stage of the process is perfectly typical,” the doctor advised as he prepared the patient for the colonoscopy exam procedure.
“I don’t have an erection,” the patient explained.
“No, but I have,” the doctor said.

Not saying the Proctologist has the fattest index finger ever seen.
But it’s definitely up there.

“Straight ahead for a little bit then there’s a sharp left, so take it slowly,” the patient said.
“The screen is for my benefit Sir,” the Doctor said, “and this isn’t my first colonoscopy.”

A man was driving behind a car that had a sticker in the back window that said, “I am a Vet-so I drive like an animal.”
That’s when he realized why there are so many Gynaecologists and Proctologists on the road.

What is the gastroenterologist’s favorite component of the computer?
Keyboard, because it has the colon.

David, a proctologist, decides he is weary of practicing medicine and quits to pursue his ambition of becoming a car mechanic. He enrolls at a trade school, and the final exam is conducted after some time. The exam consists primarily of disassembling and reassembling a car engine. “You have as much time as you need to complete the exam, so take your time and work at your own pace,” the teacher informs the pupils. David completes the engine reassembly and returns home twenty-eight hours after the exam began.
The following day, the teacher calls David to inform him of the results of his test. David is astounded to learn that he earned a 300 on the exam.
“How could I achieve a 300 on an exam with only 200 points?” David inquired.
“Well, I gave you 100 points for a flawless engine disassembly,” the teacher said. “And additional 100 points for flawlessly resembling the engine.”
“I’m thrilled with the results!” David burst out laughing. “How did I get the last 100 points?”
“Well, I gave you the extra 100 points for doing the entire exam through the tailpipe,” the teacher said after a brief pause.

What do you do when you don’t have enough money to see a doctor?
Go to the airport, mention Al Queda, and get a free x-ray, breast exam, and colonoscopy.

Did you see a poster advertising a competition for amateur auto-proctologists?
So, many entered themselves.

Is it cheaper to have a colonoscopy done by a Doctor in his clinic or an alien in a UFO?
No matter who does it it’s still a shitty procedure.

Yo mama so ugly, she goes to the dentist for a colonoscopy.

Recommended: Yo Mama Jokes

What does Arnold Schwarzenegger call a colonoscopy?
A Cameron Diaz.

What happens when you get your colonoscopy results?
The doctor gives you two thumbs up!

The husband and wife are in bed, and the husband begins foreplay.
She stops him and tells him that, as much as she wants to, she can’t tonight. “Why not?”, asks the husband. “Because I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to look good and fresh.”
“Okay”, replies the hubby. He pauses for a moment before saying.
“So, you’re not having a colonoscopy tomorrow, are you?”

What’s the worst thing if your best friend is a proctologist?
With friends like him, who needs enemas!

What alarming thing did the doctor find in his patient’s colonoscopy exam?
An alarm clock.

Why should you read poop jokes before having a colonoscopy?
They are not the favorite kind of jokes, but they are a solid number two.

What should the correct term be for a colonoscopy?
A colonoscopoo.

A Proctologist is giving an exam, and as he is nearing the end of the patient’s visit, he goes to write a prescription.
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out, to his surprise, a rectal thermometer. He looks at it and, exclaims, “Damn it! Some asshole has my pen!”

Why did the man schedule a colonoscopy on the second date?
Because on the first date, the woman told him that she is interested in inner beauty.

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Why is the proctologist constantly purchasing new TV remotes?
Digging through the couch just feels like work.

Why couldn’t my friend pursue his dream of becoming a gastroenterologist?
When it came time to apply for med school, he didn’t have the guts.

Two men are at the hospital, lying in their beds, awaiting surgery.
“What are you in for?” one asks the other.
“Endoscopy,” says the other.
“What is it then?” The first man inquires.
“They’ll send a camera down my throat and into my stomach to look for problems like ulcers or possibly tumors, what are you in for?” says the second guy.
“Camera up my jacksy,” the first guy says.
“Are you referring to a colonoscopy?” says the second guy
“No,” says the first guy, “the missus saw me photographing the next-door neighbor sunbathing naked in her back garden.”

Why did Erica keep putting off scheduling her colonoscopy?
She knew that she was going to get it in the end.

How do you know your boss is qualified as both a proctologist and a podiatrist?
Because he’s always got his foot up someone’s ass.

Did you hear about the man who got his colonoscopy test back from the doctor?
Apparently, he has got negative shit in my life.

A proctologist is caught speeding down a suburban street on his way to work one morning. The cop sounds his claxons and stops the proctologist on the side of the road. He exits the vehicle and approaches him.
“Do you know how fast you were going?” inquired the officer.
“I apologize. I’m going to be late for an important meeting. This billionaire wants me to stretch his a$$.”
“What? You stretch assholes. How exactly does that work?”
“It is completed over the course of fifteen distinct sessions. First, we begin with three quarters of an inch. Then we stretch it out till it is about six feet long.”
“Sweet mother of God, what does someone do with a six-foot asshole?”, the officer said.
“Normally they put them on the side of the road with a radar gun and make him write tickets.”

A husband first met his wife in her gastroscopy clinic.
As the tube came out, she patted it and murmured “You enjoyed that didn’t you, big boy…
He thought, “She’s the one.”

What do you call a Jamaican proctologist?
Pokemon!

Dad: Why does our president go to the gastroenterologist so often?
Me: Why?
Dad: Because he can’t stop Put in.

What does a church have in common with a colonoscopy room?
When you go inside one you’ll immediately wish you didn’t And you’ll probably come out of it with a sore arse.

Did you enjoy the jokes on colonoscopy? Please share any extra puns in the comments section below!