60 Funny Proctologist Jokes for Fun Behind the Scenes

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Jessica Amlee

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Proctologists, the unsung heroes of the medical profession, bravely venture where few dare to tread – the backdoor! These specialists, officially known as colorectal surgeons, deal with disorders of the rectum, anus, and colon. While many doctors are finding out what’s on your mind, proctologists are more interested in what’s behind. It’s safe to say they have a unique perspective on the human body, handling everything from hemorrhoids to more serious gastrointestinal surgeries. They’re the folks you turn to when your behind-the-scenes actor starts causing a scene.

Now, let’s tackle the cheeky question: why the bum-rush of bottom jokes when it comes to these specialists? Well, it’s pretty simple. In everyday life, the derriere is often the butt (pun intended) of many jokes. Add a professional who’s dedicated their life to their study, and you’ve got comedy gold. This field of medicine touches on the taboo, the awkward, and the downright funny, giving jokesters plenty of material to work with.

Whether it’s playful jabs about “cracking” the case or “bottoming out” on diagnoses, proctologist humor is all about finding the light (and perhaps a little laughter) in those rearview moments. After all, life’s too short not to giggle about the quirks of our anatomy and the brave souls who choose to specialize in them!

Best Proctologist Jokes

What’s the difference between a proctologist and a retail worker?
The proctologist needed to go to college to deal with a**holes for a living.

Did you hear about a car with a bumper sticker saying “I am a vet, therefore I can drive like an animal?”
Well, there could be many proctologists on the roads.

What did the Jedi Knight say to the proctologist?
“These aren’t the ‘roids you’re looking for.”

Yo mama so ugly, the proctologist stuck his finger in her mouth.

Did you hear about the gangsta proctologist?
Apparently, he busted a capillary in someone’s a**.

A Proctologist is giving an exam, and as he is nearing the end of the patient’s visit, he goes to write a prescription.
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out, to his surprise, a rectal thermometer.
He looks at it and, exclaims, “Damn it! Some a**hole has my pen!”

What’s the difference between a waiter and a proctologist?
A proctologist only has to deal with one a**hole at a time.

What was the first profession to go completely digital?

Why did the proctologist have his cars towed to the auto repair shop?
He rectum.

A guy walks into a proctologist’s office with a piece of lettuce poking out of his a**.
The doc says, “What do we have here?”
The guy replies, “That’s just the tip of the iceberg.”

A proctologist is in the middle of an examination when he turns around and sees his assistant holding a bottle of beer.
He goes: “No nurse, I said BUTT-Light.”

A guy goes to his proctologist for a colonoscopy. The doctor has the camera up there, watching the video on the screen. The doctor says, “At this point in the process, it’s normal to experience an erection.”
The guy says, “But, doctor, I don’t have an erection.”
The doctor says, “I wasn’t talking about you.”

Recommended: Colonoscopy Jokes

What did the proctologist say to the pirate?
“Show me your booty.”

What’s the difference between an Accountant and a Proctologist?
One stares at spreadsheets and the other stares at spread cheeks.

What’s the difference between a masseuse and a proctologist?
A masseuse cracks his fingers, whereas a proctologist…

Two best friends graduated from medical school at the same time. They decided that in spite of their two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was a psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was a proctologist; they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The town council was livid and insisted they change it.
The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics – no go. Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives – thumbs down again.
They came up with Queers and Rears. That didn’t satisfy the town council either.
Then came Minds and Behinds – still no good. Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes – unacceptable again! So they tried Nuts and Butts – no way. Freaks and Cheeks – still no good. Loons and Moons – forget it. Almost at their wit’s end, the docs finally came up with:
Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones – Specializing in Odds and Ends.

Why does the proctologist keep buying new TV remotes?
Digging through the couch just feels like work.

What do you call a sarcastic proctologist?
A smart a** doctor.

How can you identify a proctologist?
He’s the doctor wearing a watch above his elbow.

A businessman, a doctor, and a lawyer walk into a bar.
They grab a table, order drinks, and begin commiserating about work.
The businessman starts. He says: “I’ve been dealing with this investor who’s financing my company. Every time I ask this guy for even a bit of slack when revenue is tight he comes down on me like he thinks I’m good for nothing. It doesn’t matter to him that we have a long relationship and I’ve made him a lot of money.” The businessman shakes his head solemnly. “Let me tell you, what an a**hole! But hey, that’s just one of the perks of being an entrepreneur.”
The lawyer follows up. He says: “Aww, that’s nothing. I have this client, he’s in the clink for killing three other men. I got him off death row, worked way harder than I should have to do it, and so now this guy’s in prison for life instead of in line for the electric chair. But any time I come in to see him, he acts like I put him there. He even spit in my face a couple of times.” The lawyer shakes his head solemnly. “Let me tell you, what an a**hole! But hey, that’s just one of the perks of being a criminal lawyer.”
The lawyer turns to the doctor, who was lost in thought. “What about your work,” he asks.

Periods are 100% normal and nothing to worry about.
But a semi colon is not; you should see a proctologist about that.

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Did you hear about the girl who wanted to be a neurologist or a proctologist?
She flipped a coin… heads or tails.

What does a proctologist provide?
Ass istance.

The doctor jerks himself out of thought. “Oh yeah,” he says “Man, oh man, let me tell you about my work. I have this patient, she’s a very fit and attractive woman in her late twenties. Always very polite every time she comes in to see me. Laughs at my jokes even when they’re not funny.” The doctor shakes his head solemnly. “Let me tell you, what an a**hole!”
The businessman and lawyer both look confused. “I don’t get it.” says the businessman, “She sounds pretty nice to me.”
“Oh yes!” says the doctor, “She’s very nice in every way! Patients like her are just one of the perks of being a proctologist.”

What do you get when a proctologist runs track?
Rectal pro laps.

How do proctologists solve problems?
By rectifying the situation.

A man goes to the proctologist and complains about abdominal pain.
The Proctologist tells the man that they need to take see x-rays. The x-rays come back and the Proctologist says there’s good news and bad news. The bad news is that it appears you have 6 toy horses lodged in your intestines.
The good news is that our condition is stable.

Why are proctologists so gloomy?
They always have the end in sight.

What was the proctologist’s favorite film?
Howard’s End.

A proctologist named Bill decides he is tired of practicing medicine and quits his job to pursue his dream of being a car mechanic. He enrolls in a trade school and after some time the final exam is given. The test solely consists of disassembling and reassembling a car engine. The teacher tells the students, “You have as long as you need to complete the exam, so take your time and work at your own pace.” Twenty-eight hours after the exam began, Bill completes the reassembly of the engine and returns home.
The next day the teacher calls Bill up to give him the results of his test. Bill is absolutely floored to find that he received a 150 on the exam.
“How could I get a 150 on the exam if the test only had 100 points?!” Bill asked.
“Well, I gave you 50 points for a flawless disassembly of the engine,” replied the teacher. “And another 50 points for reassembling the engine perfectly.”
“I’m extremely pleased with the results!” Bill exclaimed. “But where did the last 50 points come from?”
The teacher paused for a moment and responded, “Well, I gave you the extra 50 points for doing the whole exam through the tailpipe.”

What do you call it when a proctologist has to give his sister an exam?

Why did the English professor have to visit his proctologist?
Because he had semi-colon cancer.

A cardiologist in a small town died.
He was very well-loved in the town, and every other doctor in the area came to his funeral. At the end they lowered him into the ground in a wondrous mahogany casket, shaped like a heart, lined with red velvet. It was a beautiful affair but marred by a woman in the front row who couldn’t stop laughing. After he was on the ground, she apologized, wiping her eyes, “I’m so sorry, it’s just, I’m a gynecologist and I was imagining my own funeral.”
Everyone had a good laugh, but then the proctologist fainted.

What’s the difference between a chiropractor and a proctologist?
You go to one if you need your finger cracked and the other if you need your crack fingered.

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What do you call a semi-professional proctologist?
Someone doing a half-assed job.

A wife had a checkup at a hospital.
Wife: My gynecologist says I can’t have sex for two weeks.
Husband: And what did your proctologist say?

What does a proctologist and an astronomer have in common?
When they look at Uranus, it is always on it’s side.

Why would a Proctologist use 2 fingers during an exam?
To get a second opinion.

A doctor is speeding and goes through a blind corner only to find a cop standing there with a radar gun. The cop chases him down and pulls him over. The cop says, “Sir I pulled you over because you were doing almost double the speed limit through that turn.” The doctor replies, “Look I’m an important doctor and I’m very late.” The cop asks, “Oh yeah? What kind of doctor are you?”
“A proctologist, I work on the anus.”
“What do you do as a proctologist?” the cop asks.
The doctor replies, ” Well first I start out by putting my finger in there, and slowly stretching it out until I can get two fingers in, and repeat until I can get two from each hand in there. Then I will slowly open the anus and stretch it out til I can put my whole hand in there. I repeat this until I can put a foot in, and then stretch it until it’s about 6 feet tall.”
The absolutely horrified cop asks the man, “What the hell do you do with a 6 foot a**hole??”
The doctor looks right at him and says, “Well I give it a badge and a radar gun and stick it on a blind corner.”

New Reality Show: Britain’s Next Top Proctologist.
You only advance to the next round if you get two thumbs up.

What’s a proctologist’s favorite food?
Poo-nut butt-er.

After a long day working at the hospital, 3 doctors are walking home.
“After seeing so many patients, it’s really nice to see normal, healthy people,” says the first doctor, a GP.
“Not only that, they are actually alive,” answers the coroner.
“Who cares about all that?! Just look at all those faces! Lovely, lovely human faces!” shouts the proctologist.

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What did the proctologist say when her husband asked her how her day was?
“Oh you know. Same ‘ol shit.”

A proctologist walks into a bar.
And says, “Is this stool taken?”

Why do proctologists like Facebook?
It’s another chance to look up old friends.

A man goes to his proctologist for an exam.
The doctor tells him to drop his drawers and let him know when he feels his thumb. After a few seconds, the doctor asks the man if he can feel it and the man replies no. A few seconds later, the doctor asks again. This time the man says yes he can feel the doctor’s thumb. At this point, the doctor leans over and waving both thumbs at the guy’s face says, “Surprise!”

Why didn’t the proctologist show up for work?
He had two cars, but he rectum both.

What’s a proctologist’s favorite medication?

A proctologist loses his watch, but can’t figure out which patient he lost it in. His head nurse tells him to call his recent patients in for a re-examination.
After the 4th patient shows up, the nurse turns to the doctor and says, “It’s him. He’s got your watch.”
The proctologist says, “How can you tell?”
The nurse says, “Easy. It’s the first time his a** is early.”

Why can’t proctologists get out of debt?
They’re always in arrears.

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Did you hear about the proctologist who played basketball?
He had a record number of ass cysts.

A general goes to war and loses his left eye. So he visits the eye doctor and asks the doctor about his options. The doctor tells him that he could put an artificial eye in his left eye socket. The general agrees and after a few weeks, he gets his artificial eye and feels really happy about it.
One night at home drinking away, his artificial eye accidentally falls into his whisky glass and without knowing, he gulps it down. The next morning, the general notices he’s missing his left eye and figures out what could have happened the previous night, and visits the proctologist. The proctologist tells the general to lower his pants. A minute passes without the proctologist saying anything so the general asks him if something is wrong.
The proctologist says to the general, “I have looked at so many a**es in my life but this is the first a** that is looking at me!”

A proctologist changed careers to become a mathematician…
Specializing in polypnomials.

What did the reluctant American proctologist say after his first day working in France?
“What a difference a bidet makes.”

A carpenter goes to the proctologist.
Upon learning what his patient does for a living, he says, “What a coincidence. I’m in need of a new office chair.
Can you make me one?”
The carpenter replies that he can.
The doctor says, “There’s only one thing, I want to be able to try it out before I buy it. Can you give me a stool sample?”

What do you call a Jamaican proctologist?

Did you hear about the man who recently had a check up and they told him he had a cavity that really needed a filling?
So he’s looking for a new proctologist.

A Blind man goes to the proctologist.
He’s about to get his prostate exam, and asks the Doctor, “Doc, can I hold your dick while you perform the exam?”
“Excuse me? Are you serious?”
“Yes, I just want to make sure you’re using your finger.”

What do you call it when a proctologist in Colorado spins around completely and snipes your butthole with the fiber optic camera?
360 Colo. No Scopey.

What do a proctologist and a prostitute whose only clients are homeless people have in common?
They both spend their time at work feeling up bums.

A gay guy goes to the proctologist one day and says, “Dr. Dr I have something wrong with my a**.” The proctologist says, “Ok, climb on the table and I will check it out.” The gay guy starts giggling and squirming in joy as the Dr examines him. The Dr concludes that there is nothing wrong with him and sends him on his way.
The next week the gay guy returns and says, “Dr there is something wrong with my a**.” The Dr shrugs and says, “Go ahead and get up on the table”. While checking out the gay guy’s a** he is squirming and snickering with joy. Now the Dr is quite perturbed by this and tells the patient “Listen, I am a Dr and not gay, I am not here for your pleasure. Please do not come back here unless you have a real problem.”
One week later as if on cue the gay guy returns and says, “Dr you have to check me out again, this time I really am having a problem with my a**.” The Dr now quite disturbed and considering the situation remembers his Hippocratic oath and says, “Ok, ok go ahead and get up on the table. This time when the Dr looks into the gay guy’s a** he sees a dozen roses. The Dr exclaims, “OH MY GOD, YOU HAVE DOZEN ROSES UP YOUR A**.”
The gay guy looks back at the Dr (extremely gay voice now) and says, “Read the card.”

Why are gynecologists and proctologists so tolerant?
They’re used to dealing with c*nts and arseh*les all day!

Do you have a funny Proctologist joke? Write down your own Proctologist puns in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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