“Twas the Night Before Christmas,” originally known as “A Visit from St. Nicholas,” is a timeless classic that has nestled itself cozily in the hearts of Christmas enthusiasts. Penned by Clement Clarke Moore in 1823, this poem painted the quintessential Christmas Eve scene, complete with a jolly St. Nicholas and his eight tiny reindeer. It’s the literary equivalent of a warm cup of cocoa on a cold December night. Over the years, this poem has not only been a staple read during the holiday season but also a springboard for a myriad of humorous renditions. These playful takes keep the spirit alive with a twist, proving that even the most traditional Christmas tales aren’t immune to a good ol’ chuckle or two.
Speaking of chuckles, the world of “Funny Twas the Night Before Christmas Versions” is like opening a box of Christmas crackers – full of surprises and guaranteed to bring a smile. These versions take the familiar cozy setting and turn it on its head with clever, witty spins. Imagine Santa stuck in the chimney or the reindeer hosting a disco party on the roof. These humorous renditions add a dash of laughter to the holiday season, reminding us that while traditions are cherished, a little bit of naughtiness can make them even more memorable. So, as you gather around the fireplace this Christmas, why not spice up the tradition with a funny version of this beloved poem? After all, ’tis the season to be jolly (and a little bit cheeky)!
Best Twas the Night Before Christmas Jokes
Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the house,
Everyone felt sh*tty, even the mouse.
Mom on the toilet, dad smoking grass,
I had just settled down for a nice piece of **.
When out on the roof, I heard such a clatter,
I sprang from my piece to see what was the matter.
Out on the roof, I saw some old prick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell,
I knew in a second the f*cker had fell.
He filled all the stockings with whiskey and beer,
And a big rubber d*ck for my brother, the queer.
He rose up the chimney with a thundering fart,
The son of a b*tch blew my chimney apart.
He swore and he cussed as he rode out of sight,
P*ss on you all, it’s been a hell of a night!
Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck…
How to live in a world that’s politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to “Elves,”
“Vertically Challenged” they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur-trimmed red suit was called “Unenlightened.”
And to show you the strangeness of life’s ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she’d enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he’d ne’er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that’s warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets…they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football…someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you’ve got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere…even you.
So here is that gift, its price beyond worth…
“May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.”
Recommended: Naughty Christmas Jokes
Twas the night before Christmas, to Santa’s dismay,
Because the North Pole was in a bad way,
The elves were on strike and not making toys,
And the reindeer were out getting drunk with the boys.
Santa sat in his sleigh and pondered his plight,
When what came his way was an angel in flight,
The angel fluttered down upon Santa’s knee,
And said, “Hey fatso, where ya want this tree?”
Santa just smiled and said with great class,
“Ho, you dumb little angel, you picked the wrong time to ask.”
So now all the families celebrate with glee,
As an angel sits atop their tree!
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the shack,
Not a creature was stirring, we were all in the sack;
Our mugs were placed on the mantle with cheer,
In hopes that Saint Nick would bring us a beer.
And me, I was tucked up all snug in my bed,
But strains of sweet music still danced through my head;
So I sprang from my bed with a crash and a clatter,
And off down the hall with bare feet did I patter.
There on the chair sat my musical pipe,
So I sat down to play without fanfare or hype;
“Come Mozart, come Hayden, Stravinski, and Strauss,
And write me some music to bring down the house.”
When down from the chimney appeared with a crash,
A strange little man in the smoke and the ash;
He wiggled and jumped and got up like a shot,
Came over and said, “Man, those cinders are hot!”
His stomach it shook like a bowl full of jelly,
For a moment I thought it was dear old aunt Nelly;
His nose like a cherry, his ears like two jugs,
I was worried that this guy just might be on drugs.
His language was foul, his jokes they were crass,
So I opened the door and threw him out on his a**;
But then as I turned, boy, was I ever surprised;
I saw what he’d bought me, or so I surmised.
For there in the corner right under the tree,
Was some brand new sheet music and a case of O.V.;
I turned to say thank-you but found he had gone,
He was not in the garden and not on the lawn.
And just when I thought that he couldn’t get far,
I realized the old goat had stolen the car;
Off in the distance, he said with a wheeze,
“I hated to do it but you left me the keys!”
I smiled and laughed for this much I could savour,
For I’d just sold the car to my idiot neighbour;
And once more he called as he drove out of sight,
“Merry Christmas to all, and don’t drive when you’re tight!”
Recommended: Offensive Christmas Jokes
‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,
Everything was quiet, couldn’t even hear a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
And mamma tied down, with a gag in her mouth,
Moaning softly as daddy went down south.
T’was the night before x-mas And all through the trailer,
The whole damn family Was drunk as a sailor;
Some dirty old socks were nailed to the wall,
In case that fat bastard should pay us a call;
Uncle Joe was so happy stretched out on his bed,
Cause Aunt Ruth was busy giving him head;
Grandpa was naked passed out in his seat,
The kid in the bathroom was beating his meat;
With mom in the wh*rehouse, and dad in the slammer,
I was pounding back 40s trying to get hammered;
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my cousin to see what was the matter;
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tripped over the empties and fell on my a**;
The moon on hood Of the dodge with one tire,
Lit up the front yard, Like a meth lab on fire;
When what to my bloodshot eyes buould appear,
But a rusted out sleigh and eight mangy reindeer;
With a filthy old driver, stroking his d*ck,
I knew right away itwas that bastard St. Nick;
Now faster than NASCAR those f*ckers they came,
And he grunted and farted and called them by name;
“Now A**hole, now Bastard, now Sh*thead, and Assf*cker,
On F*ggot, on C*ntface, on B*tch and C*cksucker”
You better get movin get over those walls,
Move your hairy a**es or I’ll cut off your balls!”
And like a drunk on the highway, outrunning a cop,
Meeting oncoming traffic, swerves but dont stop;
So quicker than crackheads those f*ckers they flew,
With a sleigh full of crap, And that fat bastard too;
And then in a moment I heard the sound,
Of that rusted out sh*tbox hitting the ground;
As I turned from the window and looked to the door,
St. Nick stumbled in like a drunken old wh*re;
He was dressed all in fur, but his clothes didnt fit,
And he was covered all over in dried reindeer sh*t;
A nasty old bag was flung over his back,
And under each arm he had a sixpack;
He was filthy and gross, a disgusting old coot,
And the moment I saw him I wanted to puke;
He didn’t say nothing, nott one single word,
Just scratched his balls and flipped me the bird;
He filled all the socks with cigarettes and beer,
And a big rubber d*ck for my brother, the queer;
He stumbled back out and cut a big fart,
That sonofabitch blew my screen door apart;
He crawled to his sleigh, to his team gave a yell,
And away they all flew like a bat out of hell;
But I heard him scream Ere he took to the sky,
“I’m done now, you b*stards, eat sh*t and die!”
Recommended: Best Santa Jokes
Twas the night before Christmas and it was all going to sh*t,
Mrs. Clause was PMS’ing and the elves had all quit;
Rudolph’s nose had gone out, not a soul had any glee,
An Angel walks by, “Hey Fatso, where do you want this tree?”
“Stuff it up your cooter,” he mumbled, voice gruff,
The Angel, a fetishist, stuck it right up her muff;
That, kids, is why the angel sits proud,
If you listen close, you’ll hear her moan loud!
‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
My booby traps were not working against that damn mouse;
Running and taunting my numerous attempts,
I rue all that energy that I have spent;
I’m no closer to my goal to be free,
Of that tiny brown monstrosity;
When down through the chimney came such a loud clatter,
I stopped chase post-haste to see what was the matter;
It was Santa’s own corpse that fell down with a splat,
Killed by a present for me–labeled “For Tom the Cat”.
‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.
I thought the children were all nestled in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.
But my little girl Susan, and lil Janet as well,
Were nowhere to be found, making my slumber dispel.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard from afar,
The sharpening of knives, and the opening of a drawer.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down came a club, and I was dully bound.
He was chubby and plump, a right frightening elf,
And I screamed when I saw him, for my kids not myself.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had everything to dread.
Recommended: Christmas Knock Knock Jokes
‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the bar,
The taps were all glistening, even from afar.
The glasses were all stacked on the racks with much care,
In hopes to be filled with something cold, cool, and rare.
The patrons were nestled, all snug in their seats,
In hopes of more bacon, or other tasty treats…
When out on Main St. there arose such a clatter,
It’s okay, just Shot Taylor drunk on Mad Hatter.
Away to the door I ran like a flash,
But I paused for a moment to top off my Allagash.
The moon shone on the street like freshly rendered fat,
Because seriously folks, who doesn’t love that.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a big shiny truck and it’s all full of beer!!
Now Founders! Now Conquest! Now Lagunitas and Coast!
On Bells! On Stone! We love Holy City the most!
Back to the bar I ran with my haul,
Imagining the hangover if I just drank them all.
By the end of the eve, I was feeling quite merry,
My eyes were all glassy, my face like a cherry.
As I locked up the door and cut out the light,
I bid you all Merry Christmas, and to all a good night!
Do you have a funny version of Twas the Night Before Christmas? Write down your own jokes in the comment section below!