What’s the biggest problem with vampire jokes? Sometimes it sucks but not these. The creatures have long been a part of our pop cultural canon, from Bram Stoker’s Count Dracula to Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight. Their dislike of light, glittering skin, sharp fangs, and dramatic all-black dress sense, may live forever and are feared for a variety of reasons, including, of course, their appetite for blood.
Is your spine already tingling? Relax, because we have the best collection of vampire jokes that will make you laugh this Halloween.
Best Vampire Jokes
Did you hear about the man who stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death, and killed the devil himself?
His wife rushed through the room and shouted, “You’re supposed to give them candies, Johnny!”
Why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa?
Vampires are killed by holy water. They bless the rains down in Africa.
What did the lesbian vampire say to her GF?
“Same time next month?”
Knock! Knock!
(Who’s there?)
Iran.
(Iran who?)
I ran to bite your neck!
What do vampires invest in?
Bit Coin.
What did the man say while he was drinking the blood of a vampire?
“Hm, irony.”
Yo mama so fat, when she was a vampire, she ate all the stakes!
Why don’t vampires bet on horses?
They can’t handle the stakes.
Why don’t vampires use autocorrect?
Because they love Type Os.
Why are vampires so impulsive?
They never reflect on things.
Did you know that to kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart?
Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
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When does an idea kill a vampire?
When it dawns on them.
Why do vampires make the same mistakes over and over again?
Because they lack reflection.
How do vampires like their steak?
Any way is fine other than through their chest.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Ivana.
(Ivana who?)
Ivana suck your blood!
Why do vampires never get fat?
They eat necks to nothing.
Why did the vampire end up in the insane asylum?
He had turned batty.
What do you call a gullible vampire?
A sucker.
What’s a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A nectarine.
The first day as a vampire hunter: This is easy.
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no.
A vampire decided to use his immortality to choose the best job.
He explored every job imaginable, from innovation to building to public service, before landing the job of mirror cleaner.
In his book on the subject, he stated that the tai chi-like arm motions were incredibly calming, and the mirror will undoubtedly become dirty again, resulting in job security.
“I’m as surprised as you are,” wrote the vampire. “It was not a job I could see myself doing.”
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What do you call a cross dressing vampire?
Dragula.
Did you know people still think there are vampires in Romania?
Haven’t seen one since 1645.
Where do college-age vampires shop?
Forever 21.
Why are vampires so obsessed with necks?
Because they were raised by a neck romancer.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Getyur.
(Getyur who?)
Getyur fangs outta my neck!
How can you tell if a vampire is sick?
If he’s coffin.
What did the vampire say to the Teacher?
See you next period.
A group of friends asked a man who was his favorite vampire in pop culture.
He said, “The one from Sesame Street.”
They said, “He doesn’t count!”
“I assure you,” he said, “He does.”
Why are vampires very bad Product Managers?
Because they refuse to meet with stake holders.
What kind of boat do vampires like?
Blood vessels.
What would Abraham Lincoln say if he found out there was a movie about him slaying vampires?
“What’s a movie?”
Why don’t vampires like gambling?
They get nervous when the stakes are raised.
Why do vampires brush three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
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Why Robert Pattinson is the worst vampire ever?
Took him 15 years to figure out how to turn himself into a bat
Why are vampires like wizards?
Because they’re neck-romancers.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Vampire!
(Vampire who?)
Vampire state building!
How many vampires showed up to the garlic-eating competition?
Can’t say, it was countless.
What’s the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire?
One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.
Where are LGBTQ vampires from?
TRANSylvania.
Dr. Johnson is approached by Ted, a new vampire.
“I just got turned,” Ted tells him. “You gotta help me out. I need blood, and I don’t want to kill anyone.”
Dr. Johnson agrees to assist Ted by providing him with the blood bags he requires. To deal with the psychological impacts of the change, he refers Ted to counseling. He even lets Ted sleep on his couch as he hunts for a job that offers a night shift.
But a week later, during his rounds on the coma ward, Dr. Johnson notices suspicious marks on several necks.
Ted confesses. “I just couldn’t resist.”
Dr. Johnson sighs. “I wanted to help you. I really did. I gave you food, and I even offered you a place to stay. But now, Ted—”
Dr. Johnson shakes his head, “You’re beginning to try my patients.”
How do you say bye to a vampire?
“So long sucker.”
What did the vampire say after drinking the donkey’s blood?
“Tastes like ass.”
Why don’t vampires suck on the British?
Because they taste like bloody hell.
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What are a male vampire’s pronouns in the sunlight?
He/hiss.
What do you call an Irish vampire?
NosferO’Toole.
A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water.
The bartender asks, “I thought you guys only drink blood?”
The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, “I’m making tea.”
What do you call a vampire who works the night shift at a fast food restaurant?
Count Spatula!
What’s something you can say to a hooker and a vampire?
“Suck it.”
Why do vampires hate going to court?
Because of the cross-examinations.
What do you call a vampire with insomnia?
Dust.
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a butterfly?
A Blooderfly.
Hear about the vampire who had trouble biting people properly?
He had dysnecksia.
A Vampire walks into a bank and takes out a gun, saying, “Hands up, this is a robbery!” He begins pressuring the teller to fill a sack with cash.
“Hey, shouldn’t you be robbing a blood bank?” one of the customers asks, his voice trembling slightly under the strain.
The vampire smiles as he turns to face them. “No, see, I’ve been cursed.” He clarifies.
“Cursed?”
“Yep, I can only feed on smartasses, and there’s always at least one when I pull this stunt.”
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Why did the vampire drink so much?
He drank an o negative and got depressed.
What do you call a coupon-using vampire?
Discount.
Why do vampires sneek their vampire kids into coma wards at hospitals?
It’s important for them to eat their vegetables.
What do you get if you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What do you call a vampire antelope?
Vlad the Impala.
Knock, Knock.
(Who’s there?)
Tyson.
(Tyson who?)
Tyson garlic around your neck to ward off vampires!
What’s an optimistic vampire’s favorite snack?
B positive blood.
Why are vampires always picked last for dodgeball?
Because they suck.
What do you call a vampire who feeds on attention?
Distracula.
How does a vampire start a letter?
“Tomb it may concern,…”
What do you call an old vampire?
Grampire.
What is a vampire’s least favorite day?
Sunday.
Three vampires walk into a bar, the barkeep asks them, “Whadyl’ have tonight, guys?”
The first one says, “I’ll have an A positive.”
Second one says, “That sounds good, I’ll have one too!”
Barkeep asks the third one, “How about you?”
Third vampire says, “Naw, that A positive is too heavy. I’ll have an O negative.”
The barkeep says, “Coming right up – two bloods and a blood light!”
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What do you call a vampire that has asthma?
Vlad the Inhaler.
What song do vampires hate the most?
“You are my sunshine.”
Knock Knock!
(Who’s there?)
Turnin.
(Turnin who?)
Turnin to a vampire this Halloween!
How do vampires get their vitamin C?
From blood oranges.
How often does the vampire go down on his wife?
Periodically.
What must a vampire ask before he has sex?
“Is it alright if I cum inside?”
What do pedophile vampires do to relax?
Crack open a boy with the cold ones.
How do you kill a vegan vampire?
Drive a steak through its heart.
Where do vampires that are authors live?
Pennsylvania.
Do you know why you never see storied about vampires in the British tabloids?
Cos you aren’t likely to see a vampire in The Sun… or The Mirror.
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Did you see the races at the vampire Olympics?
They were neck and neck!
What did Van Helsing sing when he killed the last vampire?
“The final countdown.”
Dracula was walking along a road one night when he heard a noise…
He turned around just in time to see sandwiches, chicken wings, and all kinds of party food being hurled toward him.
The food hit Dracula and knocked him to the ground.
“Oh no!” he exclaimed, “It’s Buffet the Vampire Slayer!”
What does an IT Vampire leave behind?
A Megabite.
What does a perverted vampire say?
“I vant to suck your toes.”
What do vampires eat at late summer cookouts?
Corn on the cobwebs.
Why do you never see vampires at a frat house?
They don’t like Natural Light.
Why don’t vampires participate in competitions?
No matter how good they are, they always pale in comparison.
What do vampires put on before going outside during the day?
Sun-scream.
What do a recorder flute and a vampire hooker have in common?
They both blow sharply.
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What do you call a mouse that contracts vampirism?
Mouse-qito.
Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.
The nun who is driving says to the other, “Quick! Show him your cross.”
So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, “Get off our f*cking car.”
Why did the vampire set Van Helsing’s house on fire?
He likes his stakes well done.
What kind of beer do vampires drink?
Blood light.
What do you call a fat vampire?
Morbidly obese.
What is a vampire’s favorite cartoon character?
Batman.
What do you call a vampire that sucks mucus instead of blood?
Nose-feratu.
What do vampires sing on New Year’s Eve?
Auld Fang Syne.
What is the vampire’s favorite pickup line?
“Can I take you out to eat or just eat you out!”
Why do vampires never cause unwanted pregnancies?
Because they need permission to come inside.
Do you have any better Vampire joke? Leave your own dad jokes and puns in the comments!
