Dirty jokes are typically humor that contains sexual, vulgar, or offensive language or content, and may not be suitable for all audiences. They are often seen as controversial and can be considered in bad taste by some individuals. Here, we all enjoy a good laugh. We love sexual empowerment. So it’s no wonder that we enjoy dirty jokes. There is nothing wrong with suggesting that dirty minds are blessed since they can grasp practically any situation and turn it nasty.
This list has the best dirty dad jokes, knock-knock jokes, and adult jokes for him and her that are totally inappropriate for kids. Make sure you are an adult before sharing or telling it to someone. Well, if you are a kid – do you want to hear a clean joke? A man takes a bath with bubbles. Want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is a man.
Best Dirty Jokes
What’s the difference between Disney+ and P*rnhub?
Disney+ wants you to hate your stepmother.
Did you hear about a family who is really worried about grandfather’s viagra addiction?
Grandma is taking it particularly hard.
What did the boyfriend say when he caught his GF cheating on him with her personal trainer?
“This isn’t working out.”
If having sex for money makes you a wh*re then what does having sex for free make you?
Non-profit wh*reganisation.
An old professor’s class used, to begin with, a dirty joke.
Following one particularly vulgar joke, the girls in the class decided to walk out the next time he began.
When the professor learned of this planned protest, he came in the next morning and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear about the scarcity of wh*res in Newfoundland?”
With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
“Wait, ladies,” called the professor, “The boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”
What has 6 balls and f#cks all the poor people?
The lottery.
What’s the difference between a rimshot and a rimjob?
One goes ba dum tiss, the other is da bum kiss.
What’s the most sensitive part of a man’s body during masturbation?
His ears.
What’s the opposite of young, dumb, and full of cum?
Old, smart, and can’t trust a fart.
A couple is on their first date.
Man: How do you feel about sex?
Woman: I like it infrequently.
Man: I see. Is that one word or two?
What’s the difference between light and hard?
You can go to sleep with a light on.
Why are women so bad at parking?
Because they’ve been lied to about what 8 inches look like their whole lives.
How did the foot fetishist cheat on his girlfriend?
He got off on the wrong foot.
What did cinderella do when she got to the ball?
She gagged.
What is the difference between a prostitute, a mistress, and a wife?
The Prostitute says, “Are you finished yet?”
The Mistress says, “You’re not done already, are you?”
The Wife says, “Beige… I think I’ll paint the ceiling Beige.”
Why should we ban yo mama jokes?
They’re old, stupid, and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times. Just like yo momma.
Recommended: Yo Mama Jokes
Why don’t they have pregnant Barbie dolls?
Because Ken came in a separate box.
What did the ghost say to the beehive?
Boobees.
What happens if you put a nut into a microwave?
You pinch the other one with the door.
A husband and son were getting competitive while playing games.
The husband said, “I f#cked your mom.”
To which the son replied, “I have been deeper inside her than you’ll ever be.”
Did you hear about the guy who didn’t know what to wear to his premature ej*culation support group?
So he just came in his pants.
A man went to a sperm bank and applied to be a donor.
Nurse: Could you m*sturbate in the cup?
Donor: I’m pretty good but I don’t think I’m ready to compete in a tournament yet.
What do you call a scientific study about penis size?
Hard evidence.
How do you break a blonde’s nose?
Put a d*ldo under a glass table.
A white scientist is researching an African tribe.
One day, the tribe leader’s wife gives birth to a white son.
Soon after, the tribe’s leader approaches the scientist and says, “We both know what happened here. It could not have been done by anyone else. I have to kill you because you slept with my wife.”
The scientist’s brow furrows in concentration.
“There has been a terrible misunderstanding, sir!” The scientist explains. “Take a look at the pasture.” He points with his index finger to the fields, where sheep are grazing.
“Yes, what is the problem? It’s only sheep.” The tribe’s leader inquires.
“Do you notice the sheep? It’s black, whereas the other sheep are white. The same can be said for your son; it just happens in nature from time to time.”
The tribe leader grabs the scientist’s shoulders and looks him down.
“I’m not going to say anything about my son as long as you don’t say anything about that sheep.”
Why doesn’t the vampire’s girlfriend worry about getting pregnant?
Vampires need permission to come inside.
What do you get if you cross an owl with a rooster?
A c*ck that stays up all night.
What do strippers have instead of air conditioning in their houses?
Onlyfans.
“Mummy, when you were away at the weekend, a strange lady came around,” a young girl tells her mother.
“Not now,” the mother says. “Wait until Daddy returns.”
So they wait until father returns home, at which point the mother asks, “Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?”
The father tried speaking, but the mother interrupts him, saying, “Keep quiet; I’ll be speaking with my attorney in the morning. Keep going, dear.”
The mother purrs, “Clever girl. What were you able to see through the keyhole?”
“I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started taking each other’s clothes off, and they kept doing it until they had nothing on, and then the lady got on the bed and Daddy jumped on top of her.”
“Yes?” Mummy asks. “What happened after that?”
“Then they did what you and Uncle Phil did when Daddy was in Vancouver last year,” says the little girl confidently.
Recommended: Double Meaning Jokes
Did you hear about the new nightclub for men with erectile dysfunction?
It was a total flop because nobody came.
Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover up their butt quacks.
What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?
Kicked out of SeaWorld.
An 18-year-old Italian girl informs her mother that she has missed her period for two months. Worried, the mother goes to the pharmacy and purchases a pregnancy kit. The results of the pregnancy test show that the girl is pregnant. The mother says, “Shouting, cursing, crying.” “Who was the pig who hurt you? I’d like to know!”
The girl picks up the phone and dials a number. A Ferrari pulls up in front of their house half an hour later. Stepping out of the Ferrari and into the house is a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and neatly dressed in an Armani suit. He tells the father, mother, and girl in the living room, “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the issue. I won’t be able to marry her due to my personal family situation, but I’ll take charge.”
“I will cover all expenses and care for your daughter for the rest of her life.” “Furthermore, if a girl is born, I will leave a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account to her. If I have a son, my legacy will be two factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If they are twins, they will each receive a factory and $2,000,000. What do you recommend I do if there is a miscarriage?”
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him, “You f#ck her again.”
Who was the Greek god of cleavage?
Paratitties.
Why do sperm cells look like commas & apostrophes?
They often interrupt periods & lead to contractions.
When 2 people have sex, it’s a twosome. When 3 people have sex, its a threesome, orgy with a whole lot of people is wholesome, so what do you call it when it’s alone?
Handsome.
The girlfriend invited her boyfriend to her house to watch Netflix.
After some time girlfriend says, “Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.”
Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by the bf.
She asks, “Do you want to have sex before she gets back?”
The guy got up and went straight to his car.
To his surprise, his girlfriend was outside the door and hugged him, and said, “I knew I could trust you.”
Moral of the story: Always leave your condoms in the car.
Did you hear about a wife who took off her shirt and bra during an argument when her husband was winning?
It was a booby trap.
What’s worse than lobsters on Mars?
Crabs on Uranus.
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
A woman asked an army general when he last made love to a woman.
“1956 ma’am,” the general said, standing tall.
The woman, taken aback by this response, stated “1956?! That much time? Allow me to brighten your evening.” And the two walked into a private room. The woman began to strip, and the two had an hour of passionate love. After that, the woman cuddled up to the army general and said, “Well, you sure haven’t forgotten anything since 1956…”
The general stared at her, puzzled, and said, “I certainly hope not. It’s only 2130!”
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.
How do you get four old ladies to say f#ck?
Get the fifth one to say – Bingo.
What do you call a handjob from Albert Einstein?
A stroke of genius.
Neil had broken his leg, so Kevin went to see him. What did Kevin see when he walked in? Neil had two stunning older sisters who were twins! Kevin had never met them before; they apparently lived at the university and were visiting.
So he went up to his friend’s room and asked him, “How are you mate?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.” But please do me a favor, mate. Go downstairs and get my socks. “My feet are numb,” Neil informs him.
So Kevin dashed downstairs and discovered his two sisters curled up on the couch, right next to his socks.
“Your brother has sent me down here to have sex with both of you,” Kevin says.
They replied, “Get away with ya… “Prove us.”
“Hey, mate!” Kevin shouted upstairs. “Both of them?”
Neil shouted back, “Of course both of them! What’s the point in f#cking one?”
Did you hear about the girl who sucked average-sized penises?
You could accurately say that she suck a mean d#ck.
Recommended: Penis Puns
Why did the wife walk out on her husband after he blew their life savings on a penis extension?
She said that she just can’t take it any longer.
Did you know you can trick your brain into tasting a salty sensation on your tongue?
Just tilt back your head, open your mouth and stick out your tongue, and use your hand to pretend you’re shaking a salt shaker into your mouth.
“Do you have that book for men with small penises?” a man walks into a library and asks the librarian.
The librarian looks at her computer and says, “I don’t know if it’s in yet.”
“Yeah, that’s the one!”
Which 5-letter body part is long and flexible and contains the letters P, E, N, I, and S?
Spine.
What’s worse than finding your Grandmother’s dildo?
Noticing all the shit that’s stuck to it.
A naked woman enters a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, inspecting her from head to toe. The woman is irritated and asks the taxi driver, “What’s the problem? You’ve never seen a naked woman before, have you?”
“Oh, it’s not the fact that you’re naked that bothers me,” the taxi driver replies.
“Then why are you staring at me like that?” asks the woman.
“Well, ma’am, I’m looking at you and thinking, ‘Where the hell is this lady keeping the money to pay for this ride?’”
Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?
Apparently, the super color fragile lipstick makes the d#cks atrocious.
Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because the lad put on the wrong sock this morning.
Did you hear about the guy who dipped his ballsack in glitter?
Pretty Nuts.
A married man was cheating on his wife with the secretary.
Their passions overcame them in the office one day, and they took off for her house. They fell asleep and awoke around 8 p.m., exhausted from the afternoon’s activities.
While putting on his clothes, the man instructed the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Despite her confusion, she complied, and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.
“Where have you been?” his wife demanded as he entered the house.
“I can’t lie to you, darling,” the man replied. “My secretary and I have been having an affair. I dozed off in her bed and didn’t awaken until eight o’clock.”
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You liar! You’ve been playing golf!”
Did you hear about the guy who was asked by a girl if he was a breast or leg guy?
He told her that he was more into anal and feet. Now he is banned from KFC.
How do you call an even faster version of a ‘quickie’?
A flashbang.
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?
“I’d go in you, but I don’t know if I’d get hard as I just got laid this morning.”
A man is walking down the Las Vegas strip when he comes across the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. He begins talking to her and, to his surprise, discovers she is a prostitute. So he approaches her and inquires.
“How much does a hand-job cost?”
“5,000 dollars,” she says.
“5,000 dollars? You must be insane.”
“Walk with me,” she says. He agrees, and they walk for a few moments before arriving in front of a restaurant. “Do you see this restaurant? I own it because men pay me 5,000 dollars for hand jobs.”
He thinks for a moment. “Damn, they must be pretty good then,” he says as he returns her to his hotel room. He gets the hand job, and it is, as advertised, the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he notices how beautiful she is and inquires. “Okay, that was fantastic; how much is a bl*w job?”
“15,000 dollars,” she says.
“15,000 dollars?!? You’re insane, no way!” he exclaims.
“Come to the window,” she says as they approach it and she starts pointing. “See those three casinos? I own them because men pay me 15,000 dollars for bl*w jobs.”
“Fine, how can I refuse?”
It is, once again, the best bl*w job of his life. After finishing, he is writhing in ecstasy and practically in love with this woman. “Okay, I’m going to regret this, but how much for the pussy?”
“Come to the window,” he says, following her to the window. “Do you get to see all of Las Vegas?” she inquires.
“No way! You own the entire city of Las Vegas?” he exclaims, stunned.
“No..” she looks down. ” But I would if I had a pussy…”
Why are murders so difficult to solve in Alabama?
All the DNA matches and there are no dental records.
Recommended: Alabama Jokes
What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
Snowballs.
What did the dad show his teen son in a 30-minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex?
All the slides were just pictures of his son.
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard humming from her daughter’s room. When she opened the door, she discovered her naked daughter on the bed with a vibrator.
“What exactly are you doing?” she yelled.
“I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents, and this is the closest I’ll ever get to a husband,” the daughter responded.
Later that week, while cooking, the father heard a humming sound coming from the basement and went downstairs to find his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
“What are you up to?” he exclaimed.
“I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents, and this is the closest I’ll ever get to a husband,” the daughter responded.
The mother heard the humming sound again a few days later, this time in the living room. Inside, she discovered her husband watching the Super Bowl on television, the vibrator buzzing beside him.
“What are you up to?” she demanded.
“Watching the game with my son-in-law,” he replied.
Why do some men take Viagra for their sun burn?
It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off their legs when they sleep.
Why does a mermaid wear seashells?
Because she outgrew her B shells.
What do you call that one teacher who excels at giving BJs?
A headmaster.
What do you call a zombie’s butt?
Deadass.
Why can’t you hear rabbits making love?
Because they have cotton balls.
A horny gorilla observes a lion drinking from a small stream.
The gorilla charges up behind the lion, grabs him, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, pursued by an enraged lion. As they race through the jungle, the gorilla takes the lead and notices a British safari camp ahead.
The gorilla walks into the camp, grabs some khakis that have been hanging out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. To hide his face, he sits on a chair near the campfire and grabs a copy of the local newspaper, pretending to read.
The lion roars as he reaches the campsite. “Did anyone see a gorilla run through here?” he exclaims.
“You mean the one who f#cked the lion up the ass?” says the gorilla, disguised.
The lion exclaims, “Oh my god! It’s in the paper already?”
How is smoking a cigarette similar to licking pussy?
When you get to the butt it tastes different.
Recommended: Ass Jokes
How is the vagina similar to a university?
They’re both a lot easier to get into if you’re rich or an athlete.
Why was Medusa voted as the hottest woman ever?
One glance and you get rock hard.
Iris’s daughter had not been at home for more than 5 years. Her father cursed him severely upon her return from almost being dead.
“Child, where have you been all this time? Why haven’t you written to us, not even a line? Why didn’t you call? Can’t you understand what you put your mother through?”
The girl, who was crying, replied, “Dad… I became a prostitute.”
“You what? Get out of here, you shameless harlot, Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family,” the man exclaimed.
“Okay, Dad… say what you want. I just came back to give Mom this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion along with a $5 million savings certificate. For my little brother, I brought him this gold Rolex. And for you, I have this sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that is parked outside plus a membership to the country club. Also, I have an invitation for you all to spend New Year’s Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.”
The dad takes while and asks, “What was it ye said ye had become?”
Again sobbing, the girl exclaimed, “A prostitute, Daddy!”
“Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!”
What do you call a moose who loves multiple other moose?
A polyamormoose.
Did you hear about the guy who was sexually attracted to food?
Every time he ate he would cumin his pants.
What do hillbillies do on Halloween?
They pump-kin.
“Mommy, how was I born?” a young girl inquires of her mother.
“Once upon a time, your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed,” her mother replied, misty-eyed. “Daddy planted it in the ground, and I cared for it every day. The tiny seed sprouted more and more leaves, and after a few months, it had grown into a beautiful, healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got high enough to f*ck without a condom.”
What do you call the fetish that some have for northern Europeans?
A vikink.
What do you call a turtle with an erection?
Slow Poke.
What do you call having an erection at a funeral?
Mourning wood.
A doctor informs a man that his wife is pregnant.
Guy says, “That can’t be right, doctor. We always use condoms when we have sex.”
The doctor responded, “The test results, on the other hand, would indicate otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?”
“No, I’m sure it didn’t,” Guy replied.
The doctor explains, “Okay, then. Allow me to tell you a story. A man was wandering through the forest when he came across a tiger. The tiger appeared to be quite ferocious, and the man realized he was doomed. When cornered, the man points the tip of his umbrella at the tiger and yells ‘Bang’ at it. The tiger was killed.”
Guy states, “That cannot be correct. Someone else must have shot the tiger.”
The Doctor says, “Exactly.”
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Cause it got stuck in a crack.
What do a vibrator and soy protein have in common?
They’re both meat replacements.
What do you call a woman who sells her body for lasagna?
A pasta-tute.
A man accepts a job in a village where there are no women.
When he arrives, he asks a local, “Are there really no women here?”
“None,” said the local.
“So… How do you guys have sex?” inquires the newcomer.
“There’s a donkey near the river for that,” the local replied.
The man tries to ignore the situation and returns home, where he can see the river and thus the donkey. After months in that village, the donkey became more appealing with each passing day, so when a few other men ask him if he’d like to go to the donkey with them, he agrees.
When he gets close to the donkey, the man takes his pants off, and one of the other locals exclaims, “What are you doing!?”
The surprised man says, “Were we not…? Going to do the donkey thing?”
“We going to ride the donkey across the river so we can get to the other village where we can meet women,” replied the villager.
How does a nude artist get paid?
Exposure.
What do you call an angry nut?
A pissedachio.
What do a forest fire and herpes have in common?
Both most likely started with a careless match on tinder.
A married couple was involved in a horrific accident in which the woman’s face was severely burned.
Because she was too thin, the doctor said they couldn’t graft any skin from her body. So the husband proposed donating some of his own skin.
However, the doctor felt that the only suitable skin on his body would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed not to tell anyone where the skin came from and asked that the doctor keep their secret as well. After all, this was a delicate situation.
Everyone was astounded by the woman’s new beauty after the surgery. She was more beautiful than she had ever been! Her friends and family were all gushing about her youthful beauty.
Later one day, she was alone with her husband when she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She says, “Dear, I just wanted to express my gratitude for everything you did for me. I’ll never be able to repay you.”
“My darling,” he replied, “think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
What do you call a very famous prostitute?
Widespread.
What’s the cheapest type of meat?
Deer ball. They’re under a buck.
What do small hotels and tight pants have in common?
No ballroom.
A teen was delivering papers to an apartment complex. A stunning young woman emerged from the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at her, and she struck up a conversation with him. Her robe slipped open as they talked, revealing that she was wearing nothing else. The poor kid broke out in a cold sweat while trying to maintain eye contact.
She placed her hand on his arm after a few minutes of flirting and said, “Let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.”
He followed her into her apartment, where she shut the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall completely off. “What would you say is my best feature?” she purred at him, now naked.
“It has to be your ears,” he squeaked, flustered and embarrassed.
“My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28-inch waist. Look at my skin; there isn’t a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?”
Clearing his throat, he stammered, “Outside, when you said you heard someone coming…that was me.”
Why are gay men grossed out by periods?
They prefer colons.
How is wearing crocs similar to getting a bl*wjob from a guy?
It feels great until you look down and realize you’re gay.
Recommended: Gay Puns
What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Megasoreass.
A woman heard her husband open the front door as she was in bed with her boyfriend.
She screamed to her lover, “Hurry, stand in the corner.” Don’t move till I say so. Simply close your eyes and think you’re a statue.”
When her spouse strolled into the room. “What is it, honey?” ” he inquired.
“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she said casually. “The Smiths purchased it for their bedroom.” I liked it so much that I bought one for us as well.”
“Here,” he said to the statue, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths’ for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water.”
How do IT people call butt replacement surgery?
Rebooty.
What do you call Wonder Woman if she gets pregnant?
Wonder Bred.
How is a hardwood floor similar to a man?
If it is laid well, it can be walked on for years.
Off the coast of Japan, a male and female whale were swimming when they spotted a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same vessel that had harpooned his father a long time ago. He told the female whale, “Let’s both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.” They tried it, and indeed the ship turned over and quickly sank.
The whales soon recognized, however, that the men had leaped overboard and were swimming to shore for safety. The male was furious that they were going to escape and told the female, “Let’s swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.” He understood at this time that the female was growing reluctant to follow him.
“Look,” she said, “I went along with the bl*w job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.”
What is 6.9?
A good thing messed up by a period.
What’s the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
What do utensils and sex have in common?
Spooning could lead to forking.
A woman goes to purchase a parrot. The costs are $100, $200, and $15, respectively. She wonders why the last one is so inexpensive.
“Because he used to live in a brothel,” the shopkeeper explains. She pays $15.
When the woman returns home, the parrot exclaims, “F#ck me, a new brothel!” It makes the woman laugh.
When her children arrive home, the parrot exclaims, “F#ck me, two new prozzies!” The girls laugh as well.
When the dad gets home the parrot says, “F#ck me Pete, haven’t seen you for weeks!”
How many women admit to having used vibrators?
15%. The other 85% said they bought them new.
Did you hear about IKEA’s new section for lesbians?
No nuts, studs or screws. All furniture is tongue and groove. The joints between each are v-shaped and you can have a joint that is flush or done with a gap.
Recommended: Lesbian Puns
In a lesbian relationship, which one cooks?
Neither, they eat out.
What do you call the lesbian version of a c*ck block?
A beaver dam.
A girl invites her boyfriend to join her parents for dinner on Friday night. Since this is such a significant occasion, the girl tells her boyfriend that she wants to go out and make love for the first time.
The young man is overjoyed, but since he has never had sex before, he goes to the pharmacy to buy some condoms. For about an hour, the pharmacist assists the boy. He enlightens the boy on all aspects of condoms and sex.
The boy visits the girl’s parents that evening and greets his girlfriend at the door. “Come on in, I’m so eager for you to meet my parents,” said the girl.
The parents of the girl are seated at the dinner table when the boy enters the house and is led there. The young boy bows his head and quickly offers to say grace.
The boy continues to be in prayer for a minute with his head bowed.
After ten minutes, the boy is still not moving.
“I had no idea you were this religious,” the girlfriend mutters to the boyfriend after 20 minutes of him keeping his head down.
The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”
What’s worse than two chicks running with scissors?
Two chicks scissoring with the runs.
Why are male p*rn stars some of the most reliable employees?
They’re always working hard.
Recommended: P*rn Jokes
What happens when someone yells ‘FIRE’ during a p*rn shoot?
Premature Evacuation.
What do you call a computer used only for p*rn?
A jackintosh.
A farmer purchases a young c*ck. It f#cks all of his 150 hens as soon as he gets home. The farmer is taken aback. The c*ck screws all 150 hens again during lunch.
The ducks and geese are f#cked the next day. Unfortunately, the farmer discovers the c*ck half-dead on the ground, with vultures circling over its head later in the day. “You deserve it, you horny bastard!” shouts Farmer.
The c*ck as he gently opens one eye and looks up at the sky and says, “Shhhhhh, They’re going to land!!!”
What is the worst thing to feel during a prostrate exam?
Two hands on your shoulders.
Why is it relevant that the Devil has an amazing d#ck?
Because without the D he’d just be plain evil.
What’s common between a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy?
They can smell it but can’t eat it.
In a strange coincidence, a man elbows a woman who is standing behind him in a hotel lobby.
The man apologizes profusely and says, “If your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you’ll forgive me.”
To which the woman replied, “If your d#ck is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 318.”
What do boobs and toys have in common?
They’re made for kids but daddies end up playing with them.
Why do girls mature faster than boys?
Because girls get boobs at like 13 and boys get them at 45.
Recommended: Boob Jokes
What do you call a stuffed animal with boobs?
A titty bear.
What’s the difference between a kinky person and a perverted person?
A kinky person uses a feather A perverted person uses the whole chicken.
Tarzan had always caught Jane’s interest. So, as part of her questions about his life, she inquired about how he made love.
“Tarzan has no idea what sex is,” he replied.
Jane then described what sex was to him.
“Tarzan use knot hole in tree trunk,” Tarzan said.
“Tarzan, you have it all wrong, you don’t shag a tree to get yourself off,” Jane responded, stunned by his response. “Tell you what, and I will show you how to do it correctly.”
She stripped naked and lay down on the ground.
“You must put it in here,” she added, pointing to her privates.
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, revealing his huge manhood, came closer to Jane, and kicked her in the crotch as hard as he could.
Jane writhed in pain for what seemed like an eternity. She eventually managed to catch her breath and screamed, “What the bloody hell did you do that for?”
“Checking for squirrel,” he replied.
What do a burnt pizza, a pregnant woman, and a frozen beer have in common?
Some idiot forgot to pull it out in time.
Why do fat girls give such good bl*wjobs?
Because there is food at the end.
Why is Santa’s load always huge?
Because he only comes once a year.
A man in his eighties married a woman in her twenties.
She gave birth in a hospital after a year. The fellow was congratulated by the nurse. “This is incredible. What do you do at your age?”
“You’ve got to keep that old motor running,” he replied.
She had another child the following year. The same nurse said to the man, “You are truly amazing. What’s the trick?”
“You’ve got to keep the old motor running,” he said again.
The following year, the same thing occurred. “You must be quite a man,” the nurse said. “You’ve got to keep that old motor running,” he said.
The nurse then said, “Well, you had better change the oil, this one’s black!”
Why do people bleach their buttholes?
They want to change their ring tone.
Why are men so calm and relaxed after sex?
They just run out of f#cks to give.
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Why was the two piece bikini invented?
To separate the meat section from the dairy section.
A woman hears a knock at the door while she is at home. She walks to the door and opens it to find a man standing there.
“Do you have a v*gina?” he inquires of the lady.
In disgust, she slams the door.
The next morning, she hears a knock at the door, and it is the same man who asks the woman, “Do you have a v*gina?”
She slams the door once more.
When her husband gets home later that night, she tells him what has happened over the last two days.
In a loving and concerned tone, the husband tells his wife, “Honey, I’m taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.”
The next morning, they both rush for the door when they hear a knock. “Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen, and if it’s the same guy, I want you to answer yes to the question, because I want to see where he goes with it,” the husband says quietly to his wife.
She opens the door and nods to her husband.
The same man is standing there, asking the same question, “Do you have a v*gina?”
“Yes,” she says.
The man replied, ‘“That’s wonderful! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?”
What do pregnancy and a gunfight have in common?
They both start with a bang and end in the hospital.
What do older women have between their breasts that younger women do not?
A bellybutton.
What do you call a Roman with hair caught between his teeth?
A gladiator (Glad-he-ate-her).
“Father, I have a problem,” a lady addresses a priest, “I have these two talking female parrots but they only know how to say one thing… they keep saying ‘Hi, we’re hot… do you want to f#uck us?”
“That’s awful!” exclaims the priest. “But I have a solution for you. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow, and I’ll put them with my two male talking parrots… whom I’ve taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filth and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship the good Lord.”
So the lady brings her two female parrots to the priest’s residence the next day. In their cage, the priest’s two male parrots are gripping rosary beads and praying. The lady introduces her female talking parrots to the male talking parrots, and the female parrots respond, “Hi, we’re hot, do you want to f#ck us?”
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, “Put the bible away you idiot, our prayers have been answered!”
What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A genealogist looks up a family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush.
Why do they call a woman’s stomach a waist?
Because you could easily fit 4 more t*ts there.
What do a good deal and a sore penis have in common?
You can’t beat it.
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:
“Cheeseburgers: $5
Fries: $3
Handjobs: $10.”
He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, “Are you the one that gives the handjobs?”
“Yes, I am,” she replies seductively.
“Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.”
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Why is pubic hair curly?
So it doesn’t poke you in the eyes.
Why are p*rn studios never renovated?
All the walls are load-bearing.
What do you call a vibrator made out of bread?
A dildough.
A man is being released from a US hospital.
As he is being escorted out by a nurse, he passes by a patient’s room with the door open and sees that the male patient is masturbating furiously. Confused, he turns to the nurse and asks, “What the hell is going on here?!”
The nurse replies, “You see, this man has a serious condition where if he does not masturbate profusely every 2 hours, a blood clot would form and he would surely die.”
“Oh, I guess I can understand that”, says the man.
So they keep walking, and in the next room he finds a male patient receiving a blo*w job from a nurse. So the man turns to the nurse escorting him and proclaims, “Ok, now you have some explaining to do.”
The nurse shrugs, and then replies, “Same problem, better insurance.”
What’s better than roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ.
What’s the difference between a Bud light and a cl*toris?
A cl*toris only tastes like piss for a second.
How do you turn a pussy into an asshole?
Give it a badge and a gun.
Despite the fact that these dirty jokes are unique, everyone has a little bit of a dirty mind, so let us know your inappropriate jokes in the comment section below.
