Jessica Amlee
Ask people if lesbians are funny, they always mention Ellen DeGeneres, America’s favourite daytime talk-show host. Women haven’t always been thought of as humorous, let alone lesbians. Despite the fact that stand-up comedy is still dominated by cisgender, straight, white men, society has made significant progress in understanding women’s intrinsic humour. Our lesbian jokes created and written by lesbian writers will prove that gay women are one of the funniest people alive.
Nowadays, lesbian jokes are everywhere from TikTok to Facebook groups. But the problem arises when they cross the line. Also, many of us intuitively realise that it is more acceptable for people to publicly critique or criticise social groups to which they belong than it is for them to judge or criticise social groups to which they do not belong. For example., if we tell you that the dirty puns below, are written by a lesbian then you might find the joke more amusing, less insulting, and acceptable.
Best Lesbian Jokes
What is the most problematic aspect of having a lesbian relationship?
A woman will always land up in the kitchen, no matter how empowered she is.
Did you hear about the two female spies who fell in love?
It was Lesbianage.
Which profession do lesbians generally choose?
Carpentry.
What a lesbian would say when you ask them what they have been up to?
Oh! About here (showing just above first).
What’s the difference between a lesbian couple and a straight couple?
One bloodline ends in a grunt while the other continues.
Why are lesbians so busy?
Because they have no time to straighten up.
Which is the best dating app for lesbians?
TaskRabbit.
In a field of d*ldos, what do you call a gang of lesbians?
Squatters.
What are lesbians called in the UK?
Crumpet munchers.
Two women from a WNBA team recently got engaged to one another.
They met at the start of the first quarter.
What is the breathing pattern of a lesbian asthmatic?
In snatches.
How do you know if someone is a lesbian couple?
If they spend an entire day in Home Depot.
Why do lesbians like hummus so much?
Due to chickpeas.
Recommended: Lesbian Memes
With gastritis, a lesbian visits a dietitian. “It’s straightforward,” says the dietician. “You are, in short, what you eat.”
“Are you calling me a c*nt?” she responds.
How do you know you’re lesbian?
When you’re looking up a video about how you know if you’re lesbian.
My coworker made a suicide joke and I was like “You know I’m a mandated reporter right?”
This mf said “You man date? I thought you were lesbian.”
A lesbian’s coffin is made up of how many nails?
None: it’s all tongue and groove.
Why did the lesbian take a boy to prom night?
The theme was “lying to yourself.”
Why did not the lesbophobic man didn’t allow his wife to breastfeed their newborn baby girl?
He couldn’t stand lesbianism in his own house.
At 2 a.m., the lesbian couple next door was having it on.
So I went to their door and expressed my displeasure with the noise.
“Could you perhaps be a little louder?” I asked. “I’m attempting to jerk off.”
*Lesbian in auditioning for a role in a movie*
Interviewer: Do you have any acting experience?
Girl: I acted like I was straight for 18 years.
In a newly published study involving 94,250 women across the United States, researchers found out that lesbians may be more likely to develop type 2 diabetes.
“I wonder what they are eating.”
“Mummy, mummy!” a small boy exclaims as he returns home from school. “What exactly is a lesbian?”
His mother responds, “I’m busy.” “Ask your father when she gets home.”
What is the difference between a regular bar and a lesbian bar?
At a lesbian bar’s last call, everyone tries to find someone to move in with them.
How do you know if lesbians are into fisting jokes?
You can smell it on them.
What do you 12 lesbians together?
A women’s lacrosse team.
What is the most common lesbian pickup line?
“Your face or mine?”
Why are proms for gays and lesbians called special prom nights?
They are just regular proms but no one gets pregnant.
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How do you describe a group of lesbians who are piled on top of one another?
A block of faps.
What is the best position for lesbians?
Shortstop.
What are the signs that a lesbian is truly butch?
She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.
Where do lesbians love to go?
Down under.
What’s the worst part of finding your wife in bed with another woman?
Who’s in the kitchen?
In a lesbian relationship, who opens the jars?
No one, they eat out.
What is the difference between a lesbian president and a regular president?
The lesbian president takes her meetings in the Oral Office.
If homosexuals come out of the closet…
Do lesbians come out of the pantry?
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lickalotapus.
As per a study by the Risk and Resilience Explored Research Project (RaRE), Lesbian women are more likely to drink in excess than regular women.
Except for the beer you are serving is bush.
Two friends, a guitarist and a lesbian were having a chat.
Guitarist: I am working on my fingerings.
Lesbian: Yeah me too.
What is the most common diet for lesbians?
Vagitarian.
Do you know lesbian couples are five times more likely to break up than straight couples?
It’s hard on lesbians but harder on cats.
A young woman found a way to deal with her homosexuality during her undergraduate years and chose to come out of the closet.
Her aim was to tell her mother first, so she went to the kitchen on her next visit and found her mother making stew with a wooden spoon.
She told her, somewhat nervously, that she had discovered she was gay.
“You mean, lesbian?” her mother asked, not looking up from her stew.
“Well… yes.”
“Does it mean lick women down below?” she asks, still without glancing up.
The young woman stammered an embarrassed affirmative after being caught off guard.
“Don’t you ever complain about my cooking again!” her mother shouted, thrusting the wooden spoon threateningly under her nose.
How do you know that a dog is a lesbian?
It has three cats.
In a lesbian’s apartment, what do you call an open can of tuna?
Potpourri.
What do lesbians do when they take retirement?
The first thing they do is stock up the batteries.
What is the similarity between a lesbian and a mechanic?
They both use snap on tools.
What is the difference between lesbian opera and regular opera?
Lesbian opera is not over until the cat lady sings.
Why do lesbians prefer going to Nike stores?
They don’t prefer Dicks…!
What made lesbians call out human rights violations in North Korea?
Kim Jong-Un banned its citizens from wearing leather jackets.
Yo mama is so gay… she married another woman.
Recommended: Yo Mama Jokes
What questions are lesbians mostly asked?
“Can you open this jar?”
My lesbian neighbours asked about my birthday wishes.
They presented me with a Rolex. When I said “I wanna watch,” I think they misinterpreted me.
Interviewer: Are you handy?
Lesbian: Yes but never on the first date.
What number is a lesbian’s favourite?
You would think it is 69 but actually, it’s 88 because you ate twice.
What is the difference between a regular wedding and a lesbian wedding?
Pretty much similar except that instead of rice, you throw power tools.
What did the lesbian say after looking at the pamphlet of the seminar that said,” Stop Wasting Money By Eating Out Too Much!”
“No such thing.”
What is the difference between a lesbian dating app and a regular dating app?
Quite similar except you swipe like this (tip of the middle finger in a circular motion).
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The teacher: How do you view lesbian relationships, Johnny?
Little Johnny: In full HD, ma’am.
What is the difference between a regular haunted house and a lesbian haunted house?
A lesbian haunted house has no cats.
What do lesbians give up for Lent?
Men.
When do lesbians fake it?
During their prom photos.
Why are lesbian couples two and half times more likely to get divorced than gay male couples?
Because it is easier to move out when you already have a truck.
How do you know Sally Ride was a lesbian?
Only a lesbian would work so hard to get a job where you wear coveralls.
Which is the world’s least lesbian-friendly place?
Sephora.
Why do lesbians own so many dogs?
Because you need someone to watch cats.
What is the difference between lesbian sex and straight sex?
Lesbian sex has two org*sms.
What is the difference between a lesbian wedding and a straight wedding?
The reason the parents are crying.
What is the difference between a lesbian mom and a regular mom?
They are the same except a lesbian mom always had that haircut.
What is the most popular destination for closeted gay people?
Vatican.
What is the worst punishment for a lesbian?
Being a bridesmaid.
Why are lesbians good at farming?
Because they’re good at growing stuff, judging by their armpit hair.
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What shoes do lesbians wear?
Ugly.
Two gay men were sitting on a park bench when a very beautiful woman walked by. They watched her pass in silence, and then one man said to the other, “It’s times like these I wish I were a lesbian.”
Why do so many lesbians have short hair?
They just get really excited about scissors.
How do two lesbians pass their time when on period?
Finger Painting.
What is a lesbian’s favorite flooring?
Tongue in groove.
What do lesbians know that others don’t?
Most girls are like Spaghetti noodles. Straight until you get them wet.
What if a tall lesbian and a short lesbian have a baby?
You could call them maxi-mum and mini-mum.
There is a disadvantage to being lesbian moms…
Who is going to tell the kid dad jokes?
What is the best place to find a lesbian?
In no man’s land.
Why are there so many lesbians in Australia?
Because everyone is a c*nt down under.
What makes a walrus different from a lesbian?
One has a mustache and smells like fish and the other one’s a walrus!
So, what’s your favorite lesbian joke? Let us know in the comments below or tweet your answer to us.
I cracked some of these jokes to my partner and she thinks I am funny.
What did the Lawyer say to the lesbian?
One slip of the tongue and you will be in s**t!