Lesbian refers to a woman who is emotionally, romantically, and/or sexually attracted to other women. This identity is part of the broader LGBTQ+ community, a diverse group advocating for equal rights and recognition for people of all sexual orientations and gender identities. Over the years, the lesbian community has made significant strides in challenging stereotypes and fighting for visibility and acceptance. With a rich culture that includes contributions to art, literature, and social activism, lesbians have played an essential role in shaping more inclusive and open-minded societies worldwide, celebrating love and identity in its many forms.
Lesbian jokes can be a lighthearted way to celebrate and acknowledge the unique experiences within the lesbian community. These jokes might play on common experiences, shared cultural references, or the humorous side of navigating life as a lesbian. The key to such humor is ensuring it’s inclusive and positive, creating moments of laughter that are shared and enjoyed by all, regardless of sexual orientation.
Best Lesbian Jokes
What is the most problematic aspect of having a lesbian relationship?
A woman will always land up in the kitchen, no matter how empowered she is.
What did the lesbian vampire say to her girlfriend?
“Same time next month?”
Why do Vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?
Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don’t like where real meat comes from.
The world is unfair, if a guy sleeps with many girls he is a player.
If a girl does, she’s a lesbian.
What is a lesbian’s most favorite chocolate?
Her/she’s kisses.
What’s another term for a lesbian?
A vagetarian.
Why don’t lesbian couples shave for their wedding?
Because it’s groomless.
A lesbian named Linda went to the beach. She unrolled her towel, removed her clothes, and lay down in her bikini. She looked to her left and saw an absolute knockout of a woman lying on her towel, reading a novel.
“This woman is absolutely gorgeous,” thought Linda. “She’s the hottest woman I’ve ever seen. With my luck, she’s a lesbian too. I should start up a conversation.”
She turned to the woman and asked, “What sort of stuff do you like?”
“I like plants,” replied the woman.
“Do you like sunflowers?”
“Yes.”
“Do you like pine trees?”
“I like them too.”
“Do you like pu**y willow?”
Suddenly, without warning, the woman tore off her bikini. Then she leapt onto Linda’s towel and ripped off hers. Linda was shocked at first but then realized that this was exactly what she had wanted. So, the two women rolled around, making passionate love, and were inevitably kicked off the beach.
As Linda drove home, she thought to herself, “How did that lady know I was a lesbian?”
As the other woman drove home, she thought to herself, “How did that lady know my name was Willow?”
Why are lesbians jealous of whales?
Because they have nine foot long tongues and can hold their breath for hours.
What do turtles and lesbians have in common?
They both choke on plastic.
What do you call lesbian sex during your period?
Blood transfusion.
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What do lesbian pirates say while having sex?
“Scissor me timbers”
Why does Dwayne Johnson even attract lesbians?
The Rock always beats scissors.
Yo mama so butch, she’s the world’s first one-legged lesbian kickboxer.
How many lesbians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only two, but they do it lickety-split
What do you call it when a group of cuddly adorable lesbians take over your country
A coochie coochie coup.
A new drug has been developed for lesbians with depression.
It’s called Trycoxagain.
A blind guy walks into a lesbian bar.
But everyone’s cool about it and he’s served his drink.
Then, after a few minutes, he says, “Hey, bartender; wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The place goes dead still.
Finally, the bartender says, “Look, mister, I know you’re visually challenged and all; I’m gonna cut you some slack. But there are a few things you should know.
“Sitting next to you, on your right, there’s an off-duty cop. She’s armed, and she’s a blonde. On your left, you have a martial arts expert with black belts in seven different disciplines. She’s a blonde. At the table behind you, two sisters: a professional wrestling team. Both are blondes. And me, I got a .357 Magnum under the counter. I’m licensed, and trained, and it’s loaded. And, you guessed it: I’m a blonde.
“So I want you to choose your words carefully before you answer this question: do you still want to tell that blonde joke?”
“Aw hell no. Not if I have to explain it five times!”
Did you hear that IKEA has a new section for lesbians?
No nuts, studs or screws. All furniture is tongue and groove. The joints between each are v-shaped and you can have a joint that is flush, or done with a gap.
What is the lesbian version of a c*ck block?
A beaver damn.
What do lesbians and baristas have in common?
They both grind beans all day.
What do you call a lesbian with braces?
Box cutter.
How do Roman lesbians have sex?
They Ceasar.
Why can’t a lesbian wear make-up and diet at the same time?
It’s hard to eat Jenny Craig if you’ve got Mary Kay on your face!
A woman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to an old cowboy.
“Excuse me, sir, are you really a cowboy?” Says the woman. “Yup, have been my whole life,” the old man answers. “What is that makes you a cowboy?” She asks. The old man thinks for a minute and says, “Well, when I wake up in the morning I think about herding, all through the day I think about my herd and at night before bed, I think about cattle!”
The woman thinks about it and answers, “That makes sense. See I’m a lesbian, I wake up thinking of kissing women, I spend the day thinking about touching women and I go to bed thinking about sleeping with women.” They sit for a while longer until she finishes her drink and takes her leave.
A young man then enters and sits down next to the old cowboy. “Hey mister, are you really a cowboy?” Asks the young man. The old man looks up at him and says, “Well until a few hours ago I thought I was, but now I think I might be a lesbian!”
What do you call two Irish lesbians having sex?
Gaelic.
A lesbian, a gay man, a bisexual person, and a trans person are waiting in line.
It was an LGBT queue.
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What do you call a lesbian in Alaska?
A klondyke.
Two lesbians enter a ring to see who has the fastest fingers,
Ones victorious the other comes first.
Two lesbians named Rachel walk into a wedding cake shop to plan for their upcoming nuptials. After learning that the cake will be for their own wedding, the baker refuses service. Offended, the couple can’t believe the guy is so opposed to gay marriage we won’t even bake a cake.
The baker replies, “No no I’m fine with gay marriage– I just can’t support inter-Rachel marriage.”
What’s the difference between a little kid and a lesbian?
A little kid shouldn’t run with scissors, a lesbian shouldn’t scissor with the runs.
Why did the vegetarian hate giving bl*w jobs?
She was a lesbian.
What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don’t do d*ck.
Son: Hey mom. I read one in four women have suppressed lesbian urges. That means it could be someone in your bridge club.
Mom: I hope it’s Barbara. She has a nice a**.
A blonde has been hiding that she’s a lesbian from her parents for years.
She has always been scared that they wouldn’t accept her like many other parents do. She was speaking about it to her best friend, who is familiar with her parents.
Her friend said, “Are you serious? I thought they knew already, why wouldn’t they accept you? Just tell them today”.
The blond was nervous but decided to take her friend’s advice.
During dinner that evening, she began to open herself to her parents.
“I have something to say to you 2, I have been a lesbian for years now and I’ve been hiding it from the 2 of you, please accept me.” she began.
Her parents looked at each other in bewilderment.
“Why do you think we won’t accept you?” her mom said.
“Yeah, are you dumb?” said her other mom.
Did you hear about the two female spies who fell in love?
It was Lesbianage.
Which profession do lesbians generally choose?
Carpentry.
What’s the difference between a lesbian couple and a straight couple?
One bloodline ends in a grunt while the other continues.
A Lesbian couple Eva and Julia asked their single male neighbor to help them conceive a child.
They said they wouldn’t mind if they did it the ‘old-fashioned way’ as they weren’t man-haters!
For six months now they’ve been trying but this man just doesn’t have the heart to tell them he had a vasectomy last year.
Why are lesbians so busy?
Because they have no time to straighten up.
Which is the best dating app for lesbians?
TaskRabbit.
Back in the 50’s, a man walked into a Hollywood agent’s office. He told the agent that he wanted to be a big star and that he wanted the agent to represent him. The agent asked the man’s name, to which he proudly replied, “P*nis Van Lesbian.” Taken aback, the agent said, “If you want to be a big star, you will have to change your name.” The man, somewhat offended, told the agent, “The Van Lesbian name goes back centuries and I am very proud of my name! I will never change my name! Ever!” “Then I won’t be able to represent you.” Said the agent. “Then good day to you, sir!” The man yelled as he stormed out of the office.
Five years later, the agent received a letter along with a check for $50,000, written out to him. He wondered if it was sent to him by mistake until he read the letter.
The letter said,
Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood and you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like P*nis Van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
D*ck VanDyke.
In a field of d*ldos, what do you call a gang of lesbians?
Squatters.
What are lesbians called in the UK?
Crumpet munchers.
Two women from a WNBA team recently got engaged to one another.
They met at the start of the first quarter.
What is the breathing pattern of a lesbian asthmatic?
In snatches.
How do you know if someone is a lesbian couple?
If they spend an entire day in Home Depot.
A girl goes up to her father and tells him she’s a lesbian.
The father says, “That’s ok sweetie, I love you no matter what.” Noticing how he reacted, his second daughter decides to tell him that she’s also a lesbian. The father doesn’t care and proceeds to tell her that he loves her too. Finally, the third daughter goes up to him and also says that she’s a lesbian. The father feeling like the whole situation is ridiculous, yells out, “Holy sh*t doesn’t anyone in this house like boys?”
His only son walks into the room and says, “I do.”
Why do lesbians like hummus so much?
Due to chickpeas.
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With gastritis, a lesbian visits a dietitian. “It’s straightforward,” says the dietician. “You are, in short, what you eat.”
“Are you calling me a c*nt?” she responds.
How do you know you’re lesbian?
When you’re looking up a video about how you know if you’re lesbian.
A lesbian’s coffin is made up of how many nails?
None, it’s all tongue and groove.
Why did the lesbian take a boy to prom night?
The theme was “lying to yourself.”
A lesbian and her girlfriend walk into a bar.
They get a couple of drinks in and another patron notices the woman is very buff.
He asks her how much she can lift and with a drunken grin she says “Watch this!!” before stumbling out of her chair and picking up her girlfriend’s bridal style. She holds her there for a second, and the man is very impressed, but very quickly she drops her girlfriend and vomits into a trash can.
The bartender rushes over from the other side of the bar and says, “Damn, I should have warned you, she’s a regular. She’s pretty strong, but she can’t hold her licker.”
Why didn’t the lesbophobic man didn’t allow his wife to breastfeed their newborn baby girl?
He couldn’t stand lesbianism in his own house.
At 2 a.m., the lesbian couple next door was having it on.
So this man went to their door and expressed his displeasure with the noise.
“Could you perhaps be a little louder?” he asked. “I’m attempting to jerk off.”
*Lesbian in auditioning for a role in a movie*
Interviewer: Do you have any acting experience?
Girl: I acted like I was straight for 18 years.
In a newly published study involving 94,250 women across the United States, researchers found out that lesbians may be more likely to develop type 2 diabetes.
“I wonder what they are eating.”
What do you call a Persian lesbian?
A flying carpet muncher.
What’s the difference between a lesbian and a Triscut?
Well, a Triscut is a snack cracker…
A guy walks into the bar and finds two lesbians kissing in the corner. Out of curiosity, he straightway goes to them and asks, “What is the thing you don’t like about d*cks?”
“They ask stupid questions”, one of them replied.
“Mummy, mummy!” a small boy exclaims as he returns home from school. “What exactly is a lesbian?”
His mother responds, “I’m busy.” “Ask your father when she gets home.”
What is the difference between a regular bar and a lesbian bar?
At a lesbian bar’s last call, everyone tries to find someone to move in with them.
How do you know if lesbians are into fisting jokes?
You can smell it on them.
What do you 12 lesbians do together?
A women’s lacrosse team.
What is the most common lesbian pickup line?
“Your face or mine?”
Why are proms for gays and lesbians called special prom nights?
They are just regular proms but no one gets pregnant.
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How do you describe a group of lesbians who are piled on top of one another?
A block of faps.
What is the best position for lesbians?
Shortstop.
What are the signs that a lesbian is truly butch?
She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.
Where do lesbians love to go?
Down under.
What’s the worst part of finding your wife in bed with another woman?
“Who’s in the kitchen?”
In a lesbian relationship, who opens the jars?
No one, they eat out.
What is the difference between a lesbian president and a regular president?
The lesbian president takes her meetings in the Oral Office.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, what do lesbians come out of?
Pantry.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lickalotapus.
As per a study by the Risk and Resilience Explored Research Project (RaRE), Lesbian women are more likely to drink in excess than regular women.
Except for the beer you are serving is bush.
Two friends, a guitarist and a lesbian were having a chat.
Guitarist: I am working on my fingerings.
Lesbian: Yeah me too.
What is the most common diet for lesbians?
Vagitarian.
Do you know lesbian couples are five times more likely to break up than straight couples?
It’s hard on lesbians but harder on cats.
A young woman found a way to deal with her homosexuality during her undergraduate years and chose to come out of the closet.
Her aim was to tell her mother first, so she went to the kitchen on her next visit and found her mother making stew with a wooden spoon.
She told her, somewhat nervously, that she had discovered she was gay.
“You mean, lesbian?” her mother asked, not looking up from her stew.
“Well… yes.”
“Does it mean lick women down below?” she asks, still without glancing up.
The young woman stammered an embarrassed affirmative after being caught off guard.
“Don’t you ever complain about my cooking again!” her mother shouted, thrusting the wooden spoon threateningly under her nose.
How do you know that a dog is a lesbian?
It has three cats.
In a lesbian’s apartment, what do you call an open can of tuna?
Potpourri.
What do lesbians do when they take retirement?
The first thing they do is stock up the batteries.
What is the similarity between a lesbian and a mechanic?
They both use snap on tools.
What is the difference between lesbian opera and regular opera?
Lesbian opera is not over until the cat lady sings.
Why do lesbians prefer going to Nike stores?
They don’t prefer D*cks.
What made lesbians call out human rights violations in North Korea?
Kim Jong-Un banned its citizens from wearing leather jackets.
Yo mama so gay, she married another woman.
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What questions are lesbians mostly asked?
“Can you open this jar?”
A lesbian neighbor asked a man about his birthday wishes.
They presented him with a Rolex. When he said, “I wanna watch,” surely they misinterpreted him.
Did you hear that the Catholic Church agrees with homosexuals getting married?
As long as a gay marries a lesbian.
How good is lesbian cereal?
You’ll want to eat the box.
What do you call two lesbians in a closet?
A liquor cabinet.
If lesbians don’t like men, then why do they use d*ldos?
Because scissoring just doesn’t cut it.
What do Happy Meals and lesbians have in common?
They both come with a toy.
Two Southern bells are talking, and the one says to the other.
“In some states, men like to have intercourse with other men!”
The 2nd lady exclaims, “Oh my gosh! What do they call them?
She replies, “They call them homosexuals.” Then she says, “In some states, women like to have intercourse with other women!”
Again, the second lady exclaims, ‘”Oh my gosh! What do they call them?”
She replies, “They call them lesbians. In some states, men like to lick women in their private regions!”
The second lady exclaims, “Oh my gosh! What do they call them?”
The first lady replies, “As soon as I catch my breath, I call ’em precious!”
Interviewer: Are you handy?
Lesbian: Yes but never on the first date.
What number is a lesbian’s favorite?
You would think it is 69 but actually, it’s 88 because you ate twice.
Yo mama so dumb, she calls herself ‘lesbian’ because she use lady finger for fingering.
What is the difference between a regular wedding and a lesbian wedding?
Pretty much similar except that instead of rice, you throw power tools.
What did the lesbian say after looking at the pamphlet of the seminar that said,” Stop Wasting Money By Eating Out Too Much!”
“No such thing.”
What is the difference between a lesbian dating app and a regular dating app?
Quite similar except you swipe like this (tip of the middle finger in a circular motion).
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The teacher: How do you view lesbian relationships, Johnny?
Little Johnny: In full HD, ma’am.
What is the difference between a regular haunted house and a lesbian haunted house?
A lesbian haunted house has no cats.
What do lesbians give up for Lent?
Men.
When do lesbians fake it?
During their prom photos.
Why are lesbian couples two and half times more likely to get divorced than gay male couples?
Because it is easier to move out when you already have a truck.
How do you know Sally Ride was a lesbian?
Only a lesbian would work so hard to get a job where you wear coveralls.
Which is the world’s least lesbian-friendly place?
Sephora.
Why do lesbians own so many dogs?
Because you need someone to watch cats.
What is the difference between lesbian sex and straight sex?
Lesbian sex has two org*sms.
What is the difference between a lesbian wedding and a straight wedding?
The reason the parents are crying.
What is the difference between a lesbian mom and a regular mom?
They are the same except a lesbian mom always had that haircut.
What is the most popular destination for closeted gay people?
Vatican.
What is the worst punishment for a lesbian?
Being a bridesmaid.
Why are lesbians good at farming?
Because they’re good at growing stuff, judging by their armpit hair.
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What shoes do lesbians wear?
Ugly.
Two gay men were sitting on a park bench when a very beautiful woman walked by.
They watched her pass in silence, and then one man said to the other, “It’s times like these I wish I were a lesbian.”
Why do so many lesbians have short hair?
They just get really excited about scissors.
How do two lesbians pass their time when on period?
Finger Painting.
What is a lesbian’s favorite flooring?
Tongue in groove.
What do lesbians know that others don’t?
Most girls are like Spaghetti noodles. Straight until you get them wet.
What if a tall lesbian and a short lesbian have a baby?
You could call them maxi-mum and mini-mum.
What is the disadvantage of being a lesbian mom?
Not able to understand who is going to tell the kid dad jokes.
What’s a lesbian’s favorite type of flower?
Tu-lips!
What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
“RUB-IT RUB-IT!”
What’s the difference between an average mother’s day and a lesbian one?
An apostrophe.
What does a lesbian birdwatcher do in her free time?
She looks at t*ts.
Did you hear about the medieval lesbian who robbed org*sms from the rich and gave them to the poor?
Rubbin’ Hood.
What is the best place to find a lesbian?
In no man’s land.
How do you turn a daikon?
With your hand!
What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
Well hung!
What does a lesbian bring to a second date?
A U-Haul.
What do you call a couple of lesbian witches?
Broommates.
What’s a lesbian’s favorite place to eat out?
KFC bc it’s finger lickin’ good.
What do you call a hippie lesbian with a bondage kink?
A tie-dyke.
What do you call a lesbian with long finger nails?
Single.
What’s the difference between dating a lesbian and owning a cat?
When you own a cat, the pu**y plays with your finger.
What’s a lesbian’s favorite Pokemon?
Squirtle.
Why are there so many lesbians in Australia?
Because everyone is a c*nt down under.
What makes a walrus different from a lesbian?
One has a mustache and smells like fish and the other one’s a walrus!
So, what’s your favorite lesbian joke? Let us know in the comments below or tweet your answer to us.
I cracked some of these jokes to my partner and she thinks I am funny.
What did the Lawyer say to the lesbian?
One slip of the tongue and you will be in s**t!
I hate double standards. When a guy hooks up with a lot of girls, he’s a “player”…
But when I do it, I’m a “lesbian!”