Baptism, the sacred rite of passage where a small human—or sometimes a grown adult—is ceremoniously dunked in holy water, like a divine Oreo in a celestial glass of milk. Whether you’re Catholic, Protestant, or just a spectator at these holy water galas, you know that baptism is a momentous occasion. It signifies rebirth, spiritual cleansing, and most importantly, gives everyone a chance to see Baby John or Aunt Karen with their hair all wet, looking like a drowned rat for Jesus.
Now, you might think, “Baptism is serious business! No room for jokes here, mister!” But oh, how wrong you are. Baptism Jokes are like the cheeky younger sibling who always knows when to lighten the mood. After all, when you’re dealing with a ceremony that involves an adult trying to hold a squirming baby like a live grenade over a pool of water, there’s bound to be room for some humor. From jokes about the holy water turning to wine (“Little Timmy’s first miracle!”) to wisecracks about how the baby screamed so loud, even the Devil heard it and changed his ways—Baptism Jokes bring an extra sprinkle of levity to an already splashy occasion.
Best Baptism Jokes
The United States doesn’t use torture techniques such as water boarding.
They prefer the term “tactical baptism”.
What do you call a Mexican baptism?
How do you clean up water spilled during a baptism?
With papal towels.
Yo mama so fat, she had to get baptized in the Pacific Ocean.
There was a baby’s baptism in the neighbourhood. It turns out that he was only around 2% catholic after the ceremony.
Someone replaced the holy water with milk.
(Jason Bourne who?)
A Bourne again Christian that’s who.
How many independent Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one – any more than that and it might seem like an ecumenical activity.
Did you hear about the priest who performed a baptism on an airplane?
It was a blessing in da skies.
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?” The drunk looks back and says, “Yes, Preacher… I sure am.” The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right backup. “Have you found Jesus?” the preacher asked. “No, I didn’t!” said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?” “No, I did not Reverend.”
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, “My Good man,have you found Jesus yet?” The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher… “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
Have you heard about a new typeface to be used for church bulletins?
It’s called ‘Baptismal Font.’
Recommended: Lent Jokes
The young son of a Baptist minister was in church one morning when he saw for the first time the rite of baptism by immersion. He was greatly interested in it, and the next morning proceeded to baptize his three cats in the bathtub.
The first kitten bore it very well, and so did the other young cat, but the old family cat rebelled. It struggled with him, clawed and tore him, and got away.
With considerable effort he caught it again and proceeded with the ceremony. But she acted worse than ever, clawed at him, spit, and scratched his hands and face.
Finally, after barely getting her splattered with water, he dropped her on the floor in disgust and said: “Fine, be an Atheist.”
There was a baptism in church, and five-year-old Emma watched intently as the pastor poured water on the tiny infant’s head and said some important-sounding words.
Confused by what she saw, Emma leaned over and whispered in her father’s ear, “Daddy, why is Pastor Bob brainwashing that baby?”
Yo mama so fat, she got baptized at Seaworld.
A guy was baptized and dipped in water 3 times.
After the third dip, the Priest said: “You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking alcohol for you. Your new name is Gomes.”
Gomes went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Kingfisher Beer, dipped it in water 3 times and said: “You are now a new creation, the old one is gone. Your new name is Green Tea!”
A man walks into his kitchen and sees an Old Priest.
The man greeted the priest and said “Good morning, Father. May I know what you are doing in my kitchen?”
The priest replied “Good morning, child. Forgive me for not asking first, but I need to use your stove in order to quickly make holy water for this morning’s baptism.”
Intrigued by the priest’s response, the man said “That’s great to hear. I always wanted to learn how people make it, so is it okay if I help?”
The priest said “No need, child. The process is quite simple even I could do it alone. You see, all you have to do in order to make holy water is you just boil the hell out of it.”
What’s a baptism in a toilet called?
Yo mama so Irish, she had you baptized with Harp.
Two American men are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.
“Well,” one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, “why don’t we attend Mass?”
“Sure,” replies his friend. “But we don’t know how the French pray and we can’t speak French!”
The first guy thinks of a solution. “We’ll pick a guy in front of us, and whatever he does, we’ll do.”
His friend agrees. They enter the church, sit close to the front, and choose a guy.
Fifteen minutes pass, and their plan is working well. Thirty minutes, no issues.
By the time forty-five minutes pass, they’ve gotten used to the routine. Suddenly, while everyone is seated, the priest says something in French and the gentleman they chose stands up. Without thinking, the two Americans stand up as well.
The church bursts into hard laughter.
Realizing that no one else is standing up, the two American men leave in embarrassment. They wait for the Mass to end, and then approach the priest, who spoke English.
“We’re well-meaning people- we don’t speak French and just chose some guy to imitate while praying,” one says.
The priest chuckles. “Ah. You’re probably wondering why everyone laughed at you.”
“Yes,” replied the other American.
“Well, you see, I announced the Baptism of a child… and asked for the father of the child to stand up.”
Recommended: Jesus Jokes
Who baptizes a baby fish?
3 priests are at lunch.
So three priests are out to lunch. One priest goes off about his problem with bats at his church, “I’ve tried everything to get rid of them, they just won’t leave.” The second priest relates to the first, “I know! I’ve tried everything! Cats, spray, noise, light. They just won’t go away.”
The third priest says, “Well, I baptized my bats; confirmed them and made them the newest members of my parish, haven’t seen one since.”
Why didn’t the spider baptize his 50 children?
Too many fonts is bad for web design.
After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.
The older of the two, a five-year-old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.
As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.
“Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!” she asks as she shook the older boy in anger.
“We were just playing ‘church’ mommy,” he said.
“And I was just baptizing him…..in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes.”
What do you get when a Catholic priest baptizes hay?
You get a Christian Bale.
What do you call a baptism that takes place in a coffee shop?
A decaffeinated immersion!
A rabbi and a minister decided to buy a new car together.
The day after they bought it, the rabbi found the minister driving it. The minister explained that he had just gone to the carwash because, in his religion, it is customary to welcome a new member with the rite of baptism.
The next day, the minister discovered the rabbi cutting the end off the tailpipe.
How did the water react after the baptism?
It said, “I feel so holy now!”
Recommended: Church Jokes
What do you get when you cross a baptism with a basketball game?
A dunking contest!
Before celebrating a baptism, the deacon approached the young father and said solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are you sure you’re prepared for it?”
“I think so,” the man replied. “My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for our guests.” “I don’t mean that,” the deacon replied. “I mean, are you prepared spiritually?” “Oh sure,” came the reply. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”
If baptists are baptized,
Does that mean protestants are protested?
Why did the fish refuse to attend the baptism?
It didn’t want to get caught in a religious net!
A man applied for a job.
The job interviewer asked, “What’s your full name?”
“It’s Peter Fucking Bastard Piss Flaps Smith.”
The interviewer asked, “Do you suffer from tourettes Peter?”
“No” I replied, “but the priest at my baptism did.”
Doctor: Do you exercise often?
Patient: No, but I was baptized as an infant.
What did one baptismal font say to the other?
“Is it just me, or is it getting a bit crowded in here?”
A woman goes to the Priest to ask him to bury her dog in the church cemetery.
He tells her, “Unfortunately, we don’t do that. You can take him to the pet cemetery.” But the woman pleads, “Please, I just need to know I will see him again in heaven, so I need you to bury him in holy ground!” But the priest doesn’t budge. “I’m sorry, dear lady, I just can’t do that. It’s not allowed…”
Finally, after much crying, he suggests, “Maybe try one of the protestant churches, they do weird things sometimes…” She pulls herself together, and as she’s leaving, asks, “What do you think, Father, if I offer them $50,000 as a donation for their trouble, would that be appropriate?”
“Dear woman, come back, you didn’t mention the dog had been baptized!!”
Recommended: Priest Jokes
Why do priests perform baptisms?
So they can see children wet.
What is a reverse baptism?
It’s when the child touches the priest.
Did you hear the importance of washing sex toys?
It’s so important priests made baptisms.
Do you have a funny Baptism joke? Write down your own Baptism puns in the comment section below!