Mormons, or the long-form title “Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints,” aren’t just your kid’s favorite basketball coach or the owners of that house on the block that puts everyone else’s Christmas lights to shame. Nope, they’re also your go-to people for tips on how to stockpile food for the apocalypse or what to do when you have too much zucchini (spoiler: give it to your neighbors, even if they’re up to their ears in it too). All of this and more while adhering to a code of ethics so squeaky clean, it makes a Disney movie look like a Quentin Tarantino film.
But hey, let’s talk about dirty Mormon jokes—because contrary to popular belief, not all Mormons are born with a PG rating. If you’ve ever been to a Mormon get-together, you know that once the kids are tucked in bed and the non-caffeinated drinks start flowing, the jokes can get as wild as a game of Scrabble on triple-word score. Like the one about what Mormons call a woman who has seven husbands? A theologian! Or the one that asks why some Mormons are terrible at flirting? Because they’ve never had a second cup of coffee, and it shows! You see, humor among adult Mormons is just like their families—large, entertaining, and not averse to a good, clean innuendo. It’s proof that you can toe the moral line and still have a foot in the comedy club.
Adult Mormon Jokes
How do you know you’re at a Mormon wedding?
The bride isn’t pregnant but her mother is!
Why is dark humor like the second anointing?
Not everyone gets it.
What do you call a Mormon who likes to smoke, drink, swear, and have sex with strangers?
What do Mormons play instead of “Fuck, Marry, Kill”?
Marry, Marry, Marry.
Actually, we are the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and it’s really offensive when you call us Mormon.
Why do Mormon women stop having babies at 35?
Because 36 would be too many.
Yo mama so Mormon, she was pregnant at her daughter’s wedding.
Did you hear about the Mormon cat?
He had nine wives.
A Mormon was having an affair with a 15-year-old girl who had lied about her age, when he learned the truth he broke it off, and over the next few weeks guilt set in and he confessed to his wife.
She screamed at him, “How could you cheat on me like that with an older woman!?!?!?”.
Why did the Mormon cross the road?
To get to the other bride.
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What do you call a man who has 5 dishwashers?
Why did the prostitute join the Mormon church?
She wanted a high paying missionary position.
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”
How do you stop a Mormon guest from drinking all your booze?
Invite another Mormon.
Yo mama so Mormon, she thinks the missionary position is a church calling.
Why do Mormons get married on Black Friday?
Because they get 2 for 1.
Two young boys are seated at the back of the congregation at a Mormon temple wedding when one of them leans over and asks the other:
“I’m confused, how many wives are we allowed to have?”
His companion mulls it over, “Sixteen… I think. Four better, four worse, four richer, and four poorer.”
Why did the man convert to Mormonism?
Because he wanted to have his Kate, and Edith, too!
How are Mormons better than Catholics?
They marry the children before they molest them!
A Mormon president would face the most difficult issue any president has.
Deciding who’s the First Lady, who’s the Second Lady, and who’s the Third Lady.
A Mormon Bishop is seated next to a Catholic Priest on a flight.
After talking for a bit, the Priest asks the Bishop if abstinence from coffee is still a tenet of his faith.
After answering ‘Yes’, the priest asks, “Have you ever transgressed and imbibed?” To which the Mormon Bishop confesses that he had.
The Bishop then asks the Priest, “Is abstinence from sex still a requirement of your vows?” – to which the Priest answers ‘Yes’.
The Bishop follows up with, “Have you ever transgressed that code and imbibed?” – to which the priest answers, “Sadly, yes I have sinned and broken that vow once.”
After a minute of silence, the Mormon Bishop comments, “It’s a lot better than coffee isn’t it.”
What’s the difference between Mormons and Baptists?
Baptists say hello to each other in the liquor store.
What do you get when you cross a Hell’s Angel with a Mormon?
Somebody that comes to your house and tells you to fuck off.
Yo mama so mormon, she swears sex is better with garments on.
What does the Mormon girl do when someone brings alcohol to the party?
Puts her clothes back on and goes home.
An Irishman and a Mormon are traveling together and begin to talk about their families. The Irishman says, “I have 8 lovely daughters. One more and I can form a softball team!” “That’s nice,” the Norman replies, “but I have 17 wives. One more and I have a golf course.”
Why can’t you take a Mormon speed dating?
He’ll start pushing all the tables together.
Did you hear about the Mormon drummer who married 4 women with the same name?
How many 13-year-old girls would it take to satisfy Joe Smith?
Joe Smith: How many ya got?
A guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.
“You’ve got a rare disease and you’ve only got 6 months to live,” the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he’s going to get a second opinion.
He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. The patient is in shock and asks if there’s anything he should do.
The doctor pauses and says, “Can I give you some non-medical advice?”
“Sure, anything, Doc. I’m desperate! “
“Are you religious? the doctor asks.
“Not at all,” says the patient.
“Well,” says the doctor, “I encourage you to join the Mormon church. Go to every service, get involved with every group and small organization you can and completely immerse yourself into that religion. I mean, EVERY aspect of it you can.”
The patient perks up and is feeling hopeful. “Will that extend my life?!”
“No,” says the doctor, “But it’ll be the longest fucking 6 months you’ve ever had.”
A Mormon family is checking into a hotel. The father says, “I hope the porn in this room is disabled.”
“No, it’s just regular, you weirdo.”
Yo mama so Mormon she only started washing the whites and darks together after 1978.
What do you call a bunch of Mormons in a burning building?
Did you know the first Mormon was actually Jamaican?
He had one wife but he wanted more, mon.
Two young Mormon missionaries are spreading the good word around South-East Asia when they accidentally walk into a brothel.
This becomes increasingly clearer to the two young men as the attractive, scantily-clad women begin to make poorly veiled sexual entreaties in broken English. The two have practically no knowledge of, or experience with, women, and begin sweating profusely when the truth dawns. The first missionary is getting up to leave when his colleague stops him and points out shakily that this is an opportune moment to bring salvation to some fallen souls. After a reluctant agreement, the two hold each other and say a silent prayer for strength. The two purchase an hour of a lady’s time for, it must be said, a very reasonable price. However, once the smoky-eyed, buxom woman brings them to her room, it becomes very clear she has little interest in the teachings of Joseph Smith and proceeds to deliver her own lesson on anatomy. The two men retreat before her seductions but their strength is failing. By the time the lady finally seems to understand their increasingly weak insistence on chastity vows, their faces are beet red, they are shaking violently and the crotches of their khaki pants are being put through a rigorous tensile strength test. When she suggests oral sex instead, the two youths look at each other and see that their resolve has left them. Afterward, the two missionaries walk in silence through the Bangkok streets. Finally, the first wipes his mouth and stammers, “I did not know women had such big penises.”
What do you call a young Mormon couple having sex in the pool?
Mormons should be called More-mums because they marry lots of women.
This is the english spelling of the joke.
What do you call the last child born in a Mormon family?
Two Mormon girls went to the beach to smoke a cigarette away from the watchful eye of their parents. One had never smoked before and was surprised to see her friend pull two cigarettes out of a condom, where she had them kept away. Her friend explained this was the best way to keep them dry, and they stood ankle-deep in the waves and smoked.
The new girl was instantly hooked, and later that day, went to the pharmacy to also buy a condom to store her cigarettes in. With a predictable leer and wink, the cashier pointed behind him to the selection of condoms and asked which kind she wanted: watermelon flavor, magnum, ribbed condoms, ultra pleasure brand, etc.
Squinting at the shelf, the girl replied, “I’m just looking for one that will fit a camel!”
What do tweakers and Mormons have in common?
They both ride bikes and go on missions.
What do you call a Mormon gynecologist?
A “box” elder.
Two Mormon Missionaries were mugged one day and, in the confusion, one of them was shot in the chest. Luckily, he survived because he had his Book of Mormon in his front-breast pocket. They opened it up to see how far the bullet had gone.
The bullet couldn’t make it past 2 Nephi.
What’s the worst part of being a Mormon vegan?
You get double the guilt after oral sex.
Why can’t you circumcise a Mormon?
Because there’s no end to those pricks.
A farmer is working out in the field. His young son comes running to him, saying “Pa! Pa! There’s a preacher come to the house!”
The farmer asks the boy, “Well, what kind of preacher?” The boy says, “I don’t know!”
The farmer gives his son some instructions. “Okay son, I want you to back to the house and find out what kind of preacher he is. Now, if he’s a Catholic, I want you to hide all the money. And if he’s a Protestant, I want you to hide all the liquor. And if he’s a Mormon, well, son, I want you to sit in your mama’s lap.”
What 2 things can’t Mormons drink?
Why do Mormons hate the gays so much?
They fly a bunch of rainbows every year and scare Jesus off from the second coming.
An anxious soon-to-be Mormon father spoke frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” the doctor asked.
“No, you idiot!” the man shouted. “This is her husband!”
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How do you recognize a pedophilic Mormon?
From the holes in their pillow cases.
The Dean of women at BYU was lecturing her students on sexual morality. “We live in difficult times for young people.” In moments of temptation, she said, “Ask yourself just one question, is an hour of pleasure worth a life time of shame”?
A young woman in the back of the room rose and said, “Excuse me how do make it last an hour”?
What’s the difference between a Mormon man and a Muslim man?
A Mormon man gets 72 virgins and THEN kills himself.
Do you have a dirty Mormon joke? Write down your own adult puns in the comment section below!