40 Clean Nun Jokes And Puns for Some Divine Comedy

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Jessica Amlee

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Nuns are those enigmatic, penguin-esque ladies of the cloth who have committed themselves to a life of prayer, service, and probably way too much bingo. They’re the subject of countless Hollywood movies, revered by some and seen as a mystery by others. I mean, you’ve got to admire someone who willingly commits to a life devoid of attachments, lavish possessions, and premium streaming services. They’re like spiritual ninjas, sneaking through life with rosary beads instead of nunchucks, spreading the good word, and battling the forces of evil (and carbs) one Hail Mary at a time.

Enter clean nun jokes, the guilt-free indulgence even Sister Mary Elephant would chuckle at during Sunday school. These jokes combine the serenity of monastic life with the absurdity of…well, human life. Whether it’s puns about “habit-forming behavior” or tales of nuns outsmarting the devil himself, the humor always lands on the holier side of the comedy spectrum.

The jokes are clean enough that you won’t need ten Hail Marys and a Rosary lap to feel pure again. And let’s be honest, in a world where irreverence is the new black, a little respectful hilarity feels almost…heavenly. So, go ahead, tell a clean nun joke; it’s the closest some of us will ever get to being saintly.

Funny Nun Jokes

What do you call a nun who’s gone to Heaven?
Nun of the above.

What do you call a sleep-walking nun?
A Roamin’ Catholic.

A priest, a nun, a rabbi, a lawyer, and a doctor walk into a bar.
The bartender takes one look at them and says, “What is this? A joke?”

Yo mama so strict, she gets paid to train nuns.

What is the word ‘nun’?
It is just the letter n doing a forward roll.

What’s the difference between a homeless person and a cook in a convent?
One needs funds and the other feeds nuns.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Nun who?)
Nun of your business!

Why did the nun stop wearing the outfit?
Because it was a bad habit.

As principal of the Catholic school, Mother Superior had seen her share of kids gone astray, from smoking cigarettes or pot to fighting and much more. However, it was uncanny how she always caught the guilty ones and set them straight.
You could say that she was Nun The Wiser.

Recommended: Clean Catholic Jokes

What do you call a nun who just passed her bar exam?
A sister-in-law.

What happens when you mess up at ninja church?
The nun chucks you out.

A man was chatting to this nun right, asking her about her daily life.
So he asked her, “Do you wake up, have a cup of coffee, and then go to church?”
She replied, “Don’t be silly, a nun’s habits aren’t as black and white as that!”

Why are nuns’ outfits always ill fitting?
Because good habits are hard to maintain and bad habits are hard to break.

Two nuns are decorating for a Christmas party
One comes back from hanging the tinsel to see the other with her hands colored bright red, shaking her head in frustration at a sopping wet pile of fabric.
When asked what she’d been doing, she explained that she had dug an outfit out of the linen closet that nobody had used in years, hoping to dye it red and make a Santa Claus outfit to entertain the children with, but the fabric was too stubborn and she couldn’t get the color to take.
“Well,” the first nun said, “You know what they say: old habits dye hard.”

Why do catholic nuns have more clothes than other nuns?
Because their clothes are mass produced.

What do nuns do behind closed doors?
“That’s nun-ya business!”

In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples. “Only take one. God is watching.”
Further down the line, is a pile of cookies.
A little boy makes his own note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

Did you hear about the nun who’s obsessed with Lincoln Park?
She’s fine, she’s going to be breaking the habit tonight.

Recommended: Clean Church Jokes

What weapon do sisters of the faith use?

A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office.
She says, “Mother Superior, I don’t know how to tell you this, but we’ve found a case of syphilis in the convent.”
The Mother Superior says, “Oh, good. I’m so tired of the chablis.”

What’s black-and-white-and-black-and-white-and-black-and-white-and-black-and-white-and-black-and-white-and-black-and-white-and-black-and-white-and-black-and-white-and-black-and-white?
A nun falling downing the stairs!

What if nuns robes were made of adamantium?
It’d be a hard habit to break.

A Catholic High School had a legendary American football team.
Every year, the team was in the state championship game and usually won it handily. Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights.
Those who were familiar with the program knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football program was Sister Mary Margaret, an aged nun who would, in full habit, get out on the practice field and work on routes with the receivers, give pointers to the quarterbacks on their stances and releases, but most of all, love them like the second mother that she became to all of the boys in that program.
One year, on the eve of the state championship game, some evil malefactors broke into the convent and kidnapped Sister Mary Margaret. Everyone was stunned by the news, but none more so than the Knights of Central Catholic. They were devastated at the loss of their mentor.
As you might guess, the state championship game didn’t go very well. For the first time in the history of the football program, the Knights were shut out. The Spartans beat them 42-0.
The next day, the headline on the local sports section read: No Offense, Nun Taken.

A girl came into my bookstore and asked “What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?”
“Slim to Nun?”

Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.

Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign.
“The way you’ve taken is wrong, stop and turn back now, before it’s too late!”
The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a sparse finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later a loud crash is heard.
One of the nuns thoughtfully says, “Sister, shall we just write: “Attention, the bridge is demolished?”

What do you call a Nun on the run?
Holy Roller.

Recommended: Clean Priest Jokes

Why did the blind nun fall down the well?
She couldn’t see that well!

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey
When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.
As he’s enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. “How can you pollute your soul with the Devil’s drink like that?” she asks.
The man shrugs. “It’s not the Devil, it’s just whiskey.”
“But it’s sinful and wicked!”
“How do you know it’s so bad, then? Have you ever tasted whiskey?”
“Of course not! My sisters and mother superior told me how evil drink is.”
“But how do they know? Have they ever had a drink?”
They go back and forth like this for a while, before at last, the nun relents. “Well, I suppose that if I were to try a sip of whiskey, I would better understand how it corrupts the soul. But it wouldn’t do for any of my sisters to come by here and see me drinking. Could you order me one in a teacup?”
The man agrees this is fair, and walks inside to the barman.
“Two whiskeys, but put one in a teacup, please.”
The barman slams his hand down on the bar and shouts, “Is that damn nun here again!?”

What do you call a Nun with Jedi powers?
A force of habit.

What do you call a nun without a job?

A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.
“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”
“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”
“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”
“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!”
“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”
“Well, we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother — 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green … and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted … and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”
“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”
“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother Superior.
“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”
“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.
“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”
The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said, “You MISSSED the putt, didn’t you?”

Why do nuns like Swiss cheese?
Because it’s hole-y.

What do you call a convent on a sinking ship?

A young woman decides to become a nun and join a very strict convent. The nuns have to take a vow of silence, but they are allowed to speak 2 words every 10 years.
Ten years go by and the woman is brought before Mother Superior and allowed her first two words. She says “Work hard!”
Mother Superior says “Yeah, well we’re doing God’s work here, It’s bound to be a little rough.”
Ten more years go by and the woman is again brought before Mother Superior and she gets to say two more words. She says “Food bad!”
Mother Superior says: “Well, we just can’t have the best food when we’re giving every penny to the poor.”
Ten more years go by and the woman is again brought in for her two words. She says: “I quit!!”
Mother Superior retorts, “Well it’s about time. It’s been nothing but bitch, bitch, bitch ever since you got here.

Recommended: Adult Nun Jokes

Did you hear about the nun who got addicted to knitting?
She said that needles were habit forming.

Who is the only person time waits for?

Which Bible character didn’t have parents?
Joshua, son of Nun.

Do you have a clean nun joke? Write down your own clean nun puns in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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