Psychiatrists are like the detectives of the mental world. With a magnifying glass over your cerebellum and a notepad in hand, they delve deep into the intricate mazes of our minds. Their job? To decipher the hieroglyphics of our subconscious and make sense of the riddles wrapped inside enigmas that are our thoughts. Oh, and occasionally they have the fun job of asking, “And how does that make you feel?” It’s like they’re part of a special club where understanding Freudian slips and dream analysis is just par for the course.
Now, why the onslaught of chucklesome jokes about our beloved mind mavens? Well, for starters, there’s an element of the mystery about delving into the human psyche. And, as humans, we have this natural instinct to make light of what we find perplexing or intimidating. Psychiatrist jokes are our way of easing the tension of confronting our inner demons, even if those demons turn out to be just an irrational fear of rubber ducks.
Plus, let’s be honest, there’s something inherently funny about a profession where you can ask someone to recline on a fancy couch, mumble about their mother, and then pay a hefty fee for the privilege. It’s like comedy gold waiting to be mined, and trust us, the internet never disappoints when it comes to digging deep!
Best Psychiatrist Jokes
What’s the difference between a cyclist and a psychiatrist?
On rides on something held together by nuts, the other holds nuts together and takes them for a ride!
Do you know the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist?
If not, congratulations, you’re doing great!
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but the light has to really want to change.
Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Ima.
(Ima who?)
Ima psychiatrist. I’m here ’cause you won’t open up!
Did you hear about the man who visited his psychiatrist and took off all his clothes?
The psychiatrist told him, “Now I can see you’re nuts.”
A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.
The psychiatrist says, “My god, whoever did this needs help!”
A guy barges into a psychiatrist’s office, and screams, “Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!”
The doctor calmly answers, “Pay me in advance!”
Yo mama so ugly, the psychiatrist makes her lie facedown.
A psychiatrist’s secretary walked into his study and said, “There’s a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he’s invisible.”
The psychiatrist responded, “Tell him I can’t see him.”
Did you hear about the cat who was just diagnosed for having dissociative identity disorder by a psychiatrist?
She now have 45 lives.
What do you call an angry psychiatrist?
Therapissed.
A duck walks into a psychiatrist’s office.
He sits on the couch and the two stare at each other in silence for a moment. Eventually, the duck says, “Quack.”
“Get out of here!” yells the psychiatrist. “I won’t be ridiculed in my office.”
The duck travels to another psychiatrist’s office. He sits on the couch. The two look at each other in silence for a time. Again, the duck says, “Quack.”
“An insult!” shouts the psychiatrist. “I’ll have you know I was top of my class. Get out!”
The duck travels to a third psychiatrist. He sits on the couch. They stare at each other for a short while. The psychiatrist says, “You hate your father, you worry about money, and you’re lonely”.
“Finally,” says the duck. “Those other two quacks were idiots.”
If Dracula was a psychiatrist, what would his name be?
The Countselor.
A man went to see his psychiatrist and told him, “No one understands me.”
He said, “What do you mean by that?”
A Dachshund and a Labrador are walking together when the former suddenly unloads on his friend.
“My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Pomeranian and I’m as jittery as a cat.”
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the Labrador.
“I can’t. I’m not allowed on the couch.”
Why don’t you hear psychiatrists when they go to the bathroom?
The p is silent.
A Psychiatrist is sitting in his office.
When his secretary comes in and says, “Sir, there’s a man here to see you who thinks he’s a flock of crows. If you ask me we should just send him to the loony bin and be done with it.”
And the psychiatrist replied, “Doris! Are you asking me to commit a murder!?”
Why do squirrels make good psychiatrists?
They love being around nuts.
A man was at the hospital and he walked into a surgeon’s office.
“Can I help you?” He asked.
“I keep thinking that I’m a moth.” the man replied.
“You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.”
“Yeah, I know.”
He looked confused, “Then why are you here?”
“The light was on.”
How come horses don’t need psychiatrists?
Because their lives are stable.
Recommended: Depression Jokes
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because the darkness is inside you. Haldol is recommended.
A man is treated by a psychiatrist because he thinks that he is a mouse. After some weeks of psychiatric counseling, he is finally healed and has learned, that he isn’t a mouse.
As the man walks out of the psychiatrist’s office, he sees a cat on the street and runs back to the psychiatrist and screams, “I’m scared! There’s a cat on the street!”
The psychiatrist replies, “I thought you know now, that you are not a mouse.”
The man answers, “Yes, I know that, but does the cat know this too?”
What’s the difference between a psychiatrist and a god?
God doesn’t think he’s a psychiatrist.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
“A little-known fact about myself is that when I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychiatrist,” he tells the bartender. “That kid didn’t help at all.”
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.
“Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” she asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”
“That’s easy,” he replied. “You ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track.”
“What sort of question would you ask Doctor?”
“Well, you might ask them…” “Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?”
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, “You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you?” “I must confess I don’t know much about history.”
Why did the bunny go to the psychiatrist?
He was unhoppy.
A man visits a psychiatrist for evaluation.
After the check-up, his psychiatrist said that he was a kleptomaniac.
The man replies, “Is there anything I can take for it?”
What happens when a shrink doesn’t pay taxes?
Tax freud.
Ever since Chris was a child, he always had a fear of someone under his bed at night.
So he went to a Psychiatrist and told him, “I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy. “Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the psychiatrist. “Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.” “How much do you charge?” “Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor. “I’ll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you,” Chris said.
Six months later the Psychiatrist met him on the street. “Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked. “Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV.”
“Is that so!” With a bit of an attitude the Psychiatrist said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed – ain’t nobody under there now!”
What do you call a frightened psychiatrist?
A Freud.
What kind of animal makes the best shrinks?
Owls. They genuinely give a hoot.
Recommended: Physical Therapy Jokes
A woman goes to a Psychiatrist and complains, “I don’t want to marry. I am educated, independent, and self-sufficient. I don’t need a husband. But my parents are asking me to marry. What do I do?”
The psychiatrist replied, “YOU, undoubtedly will achieve great things in life. But some things inevitably will not go the way you want. Somethings will go wrong. Sometimes you will fail. Sometimes your plans won’t work. Sometimes your wishes will not be fulfilled. Then who will you blame? Will you blame Yourself?”
The Woman replies, “NO!!!”
The Psychiatrist said, “Yes… That’s why you need a husband!”
If I psychiatrist starts rhyming what is it called?
Shrink wrap.
What’s the difference between a car hitting a raccoon crossing the road or a car hitting a psychiatrist crossing the road?
There is a skid mark before the dead raccoon.
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. “Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor to the student from Arkansas, “What is the opposite of joy?”
“Sadness,” said the student.
And the opposite of depression?” he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
“Elation,” said she.
“And you sir,” he said to the young man from Texas, “how about the opposite of woe?”
The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.”
Psychiatrist: After running a battery of tests on you, we’ve determined that you’re crazy.
Patient: I want a second opinion.
Psychiatrist: Okay, you’re ugly too.
A psychiatrist happens to walk by and hears the man calling for help. “What seems to be the problem?” He calls down the alley.
“I’ve been mugged, they got my wallet and left me here to die,” the man croaks. “Please, you gotta help me.”
The psychiatrist quickly calls 911 and explains the situation.
“Sir, do you know first aid?”
“N-no,” he replies sheepishly
“Well, EMTs are on their way, help him as best you can without touching him.”
After hanging up he calls down the alley, “How are you doing?”
“I AM DYING IN A POOL OF MY OWN BLOOD!” The stranger roars.
“How does that make you feel?”
What do you call the psychiatrists of the ocean?
Sea Kelp.
A man asks a psychiatrist, “How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”
The psychiatrist replies, “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.” The man smiles, “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.”
The Psychiatrist replies, “No, a sane guy pulls the plug of the tub to drain water. Do you want a room with or without a balcony?”
Tenant: What’s wrong with my landlord?
Psychiatrist: He’s developed an apartment complex.
A woman takes her husband to see a psychiatrist.
“Things are terrible,” she begins. “Every time he opens his mouth it’s to insult me!”
“How do you mean?” asks the doctor.
“Well, three days ago he said I was too crabby,” the woman sniffs.
“HORSESHOE!” her husband suddenly cuts in.
“And the next day, he questioned my faith in Jesus Christ, our Lord Almighty.” the woman sobs.
“A JEW! A JEW!” her husband cuts in again.
“And just yesterday,” the woman blubbers, “He told me he wanted me to suffer for eternity!”
“CURSE YOU! CURSE YOU! CURSE YOU!”
At this point the woman is hysterical. The doctor sighs and writes something down on his pad of paper, then gives it to the woman.
“I recommend seeing this specialist to treat your husband.”
The woman looks at the paper and furrows her brow.
“But this just is the telephone number for our family’s general practitioner.”
“I know. Your husband has a sinus infection. It’s not directed achoo.”
What did the psychiatrist say to the narcissistic cowboy?
“The world dosen’t REVOLVER-ound you.”
Why did the neuron go to the psychiatrist?
Because it had an axon to grind!
A retired banker went to a psychiatrist.
He said, “For 30 years, I worked in a bank as a teller. Every day i would serve dozens of customers. I loved my job and never missed a day. Last month, i retired. Since then, every time i pass a bank, I have a huge craving to enter and take out money. Even if i pass an ATM, i have to stop and take some cash out. I’ve got thousands of dollars in cash at home, yet every day i feel desperate to go to the bank and take out more. What’s wrong with me?”
The psychiatrist replied, “It sounds like you’re having Withdrawal Symptoms.”
Why did the bicycle go to the psychiatrist?
It had cycle logical problems.
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doctor, you gotta help me, my wife thinks she’s a piano…”
The doctor replies, “Well, bring her in and I’ll see what I can do.”
The man says, “Are you nuts!? Do you know how much it costs to move a piano?!”
One day at the Psychiatric Ward, a psychiatrist is evaluating three new mental patients. He turns to the first one and asks, “How much is 3 times 3?”
The mental patient thinks and thinks. He racks his brain. Finally, after several minutes, he answers, “128!”
The psychiatrist turns to the second mental patient and asks, “How much is 3 times 3?”
The second mental patient immediately blurts out “Wednesday!”
Turning to the third mental patient, the psychiatrist again asks, “How much is 3 times 3?”
The third mental patient thinks, then asks, “Can I have a pencil and paper?”
“Of course,” says the psychiatrist.
The third mental patient takes the pencil and paper and begins diagramming complex algorithms, charts, and graphs all over the paper. After a few minutes, he confidently answers, “3 times 3 is 9.”
“That’s great,” says the psychiatrist. “How did you do it?”
“Oh, it was really easy,” says the mental patient. “I just divided 128 by Wednesday.”
Why did the electron go to the psychiatrist?
It was always negative.
“Doctor,” a man told his psychiatrist, “my wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages.”
“That’s nonsense,” said the psychiatrist. “I like sausages myself.”
“You do!” the man shrieked. “You should come and see my collection I’ve got thousands!”
Bob loves tractors. So much so that his wife threatens him with divorce if he doesn’t seek help for his obsession with tractors.
He fucking loves tractors. He has tractor-branded t-shirts, ties, socks, bags, glassware, posters, and multiple subscriptions to various tractor magazines. You name it, he’s got it.
Fearing losing his wife to his love of tractors he decides to seek help. After a few really positive sessions with his psychiatrist, he’s deemed to be completely over his love of tractors and believes his marriage is now saved. Hurrah!
Shaking his psychiatrist’s hand, he thanks them for everything they’ve done for him over the past few months. The psychiatrist tells him to speak to the receptionist on his way out to pay his final bill and expresses their pride in how much they’ve accomplished in their time together.
Bob steps out of the psychiatrist’s office and is greeted by a vast plume of cigarette smoke enveloping the entire reception area.
The cigarette smoker, noticing Bob’s disgust at the smell, apologizes and immediately stubs out the cigarette.
“Not to worry!” exclaims Bob, “I’ll sort this out”
Bob then takes a huge inhale, sucking up every single cigarette particle from the reception area until the air is clear and smoke-free. He then walks over to the window, opens it up a crack, and blows the stale cigarette fumes outside in one giant exhale.
“How on earth did you do that?!” asks the cigarette smoker.
“Oh that’s easy,” says Bob, “I’m an extractor fan.”
A woman walks into her psychiatrist’s office and says, “I believe I can see into the future.”
The shrink asks, “When did this start?”
“Next Tuesday!”
Why did the unicorn go to the psychiatrist?
It was having an existential crisis.
The mother took her young daughter to a psychiatrist and explained to the headshrinker that the girl thought she was a chicken. The doctor soothed her, observing that an overactive imagination is not uncommon in children, and asking how long the girl had suffered from the delusion.
“Almost two years,” said the mother. “Your daughter has imagined she is a chicken for nearly two years?!” the psychiatrist exclaimed. “Why have you waited so long before bringing her in?” The woman looked embarrassed, then confessed, “We needed the eggs, doctor.”
Patient: Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing green monsters with orange spots.
Doctor: Have you seen a psychiatrist?
Patient: No, just green monsters with orange spots.
A patient in a psychiatric hospital is being examined by a shrink.
The shrink hands him a piece of paper and asks him, “Look at this inkblot and tell me what do you see.”
“Well,” the patient says, “I’m not 100% sure, but it looks like Rorschach Series IV, blot #17.”
Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel. Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist. They put up a sign reading: “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors.”
The town council was livid and insisted they change it. So, the docs changed it to read: “Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.”
This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign. “Catatonics and High Colonics” – No go.
Next, they tried “Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives” – thumbs down again.
Then came “Minds and Behinds” – still no good.
Another attempt resulted in “Lost Souls and Butt Holes” – unacceptable again!
So they tried “Analysis and Anal Cysts” – not a chance.
“Nuts and Butts” – no way.
“Freaks and Cheeks” – still no good.
“Loons and Moons” – forget it.
Almost at their wit’s end, the docs finally came up with: “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones – Specializing in Odds and Ends.” Everyone loved it.
A pirate walks into a psychiatrist’s office with the ship’s wheel in his pants.
The psychiatrist asks, “Why do you have the ship’s wheel in your pants?”
“Arrrh,” replies the pirate. “She’s driving me nuts!”
A psychiatrist asks for a second opinion from a colleague.
“I have this crazy guy in one of my wards, he likes to eat teacups. Have you seen anything like this?”
“Wait, does he eat the handles too?”
“No, that’s the curious thing, he leaves the handles untouched.”
“Well then he’s definitely crazy, the handles are the tastiest part!”
Why did the Mexican go to the psychiatrist?
His-panic disorder.
A wife and his husband went to see a psychiatrist. “What can I do for you?” he asked. “Our son has got an imaginary friend.” said the wife.
“There is nothing wrong with a good healthy imagination to help a child to develop and this is very common and nothing to worry about at all.” said the psychiatrist.
“We haven’t got a son,” the husband replied.
Why did Waldo go to the psychiatrist?
Because he wanted to find himself.
Two shrinks were talking.
“Wanna go out and grab a quick lunch?”
“No can do, I have a 12:00 o’clock disappointment.”
“Don’t you mean appointment?”
“Normally yeah, but wait till you meet him.”
A smoker, an alcoholic, and a gay guy go see a psychiatrist.
The smoker says, “This filthy habit is ruining my life. My wife hates it, my kids hate it, my grandpa died from it, and I just want to quit!” The alcoholic says, “Alcohol has ruined every relationship I have ever had, I can’t even hold down a job, I need to get off the bottle.” The gay guy says, “Ever since I came out, I have lost so many friends, even my family treats me differently. I just want things to back the way they were.” The psychiatrist hands each of them a pill telling them that it is an instant cure, they each gobble them down without thinking twice. The psychiatrist then says, “The only thing is, if you ever have a smoke again, or if you have another drink again, or if you have any sexual contact with another man again, you will drop dead.”
Afterward, the three of them went to a restaurant, chilled by what the psychiatrist had just told them. “I can’t take this anymore, I need a drink!” The alcoholic goes up to the bar and slams down a shot. Drops dead. The smoker and the gay guy look at each other in shock. The smoker says, “Oh God this is real, I need some fresh air.” They go outside and on the table, there is an ashtray that has half of a cigarette, still smoldering. The gay guy looks at the smoker and says, “If you bend over to pick up that cigarette, we’re both dead.
Why was the psychiatrist late for his appointment?
His car had a nervous breakdown.
An old man takes his weekly visit to his psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist asks, “How is your relationship with god?”
The old man replies, “It’s amazing, god helps me so much. Every night when I need to use the toilet, he turns the light on for me and closes it for me after I have finished. God is amazing.”
What did the psychiatrist say to the traumatized person when they moved?
“That’s a lot to unpack.”
The psychiatrist was shocked, so he calls the old man’s daughter, he says, “Your father said that god turns the light on for him when he uses the toilet every night. What does he mean by this? I’m very shocked!”
The daughter replies furiously, “That bastard has been pissing in the fucking fridge!”
A man goes to a psychiatrist for an evaluation.
So the psychiatrist draws a horizontal line and asks him what that reminds him of. “A naked woman” he replies. So he draws a vertical line. “And this?” he asks “A naked woman.” The doctor then draws an X and asks the same question. “Two people having sex.” comes the answer. “Hmmmmm” goes the doctor. “It seems you have an obsession with sex.” he speculates.
“Me?” answers the shocked man. “Who drew all this filth?”
What is it called when someone studies to be a psychiatrist?
A Psycho Path.
A guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office.
The psychiatrist asks, “What seems to be the problem?”
The guy says, “I just can’t seem to make friends with anyone. Can you help me, you fat ugly bastard?”
There’s this psychiatrist who claims to guess the frequency of sex by looking at the smile on the guy’s face.
A talk show host challenges him and it goes really well with 100% accuracy till this one guy shows up with a grin that would dislocate a crocodile’s jaw.
“Twice a day.”
“Nope.”
“Daily.”
“Nope.”
“Every other day.”
“Nope.”
“Weekends.”
“Nope.”
“Every other week.”
“Nope.”
“Alright, I give up.”
“Yearly once.”
The shrink explodes, “Why the hell do you have such a big grin?”
“Tonight is the night.”
A woman asks a psychiatrist what is wrong with her husband, who keeps saying over and over “I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam.”
“Easy diagnosis”, the doctor says. “He’s too tense.”
Johnson goes to a psychiatrist.
He says, “Doc, I have this terrible feeling that everybody’s trying to take advantage of me.”
The psychiatrist says, “Relax, Mr. Johnson. It’s a common thing. Everybody thinks that people are trying to take advantage of them.”
Johnson says, “Doc, that’s such a relief. How much do I owe you?”
The psychiatrist says, “How much have you got?”
Two Hollywood stars ran into each other at the door of their psychiatrist’s office.
“Hello, there,” said one. “Are you coming or going?”
“If I knew that,” said the other, “I wouldn’t be here.”
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: “Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”
At this point, the fourth mother, Betty, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, “Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Let’s pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.”
Did you hear about the patient whose psychiatrist wanted to discuss his sex addiction?
So he gave her an ear full.
Did you hear about the man who likes to stand in the corner of his psychiatrist’s waiting room and blow on anyone who walks by?
Most people hate it, but he’s a fan.
A Chinese man went to a psychiatrist in Beijing.
He says, “I am under a lot of stress. I feel like I am being watched. I feel like there are cameras everywhere, my phone is bugged, someone is opening my mail, and I think I am even being followed by the secret police.”
The psychiatrist says, “. . . . And?”
Do you have a funny Psychiatrist joke? Write down your own Psychiatrist puns in the comment section below!
My son is a male trapped in a female’s body, so we took him to a psychiatrist.
For some reason, the doc kicked us out when we told him our son was due in in 3 months.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices.
He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.
My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge.
We’ll see about that…