Even in today’s increasingly sex-positive culture, anal sex is undoubtedly one of the most taboo sex practices out there. Due in large part to completely false myths like: It’ll hurt; It’s exclusively for men to like; It’s filthy and gross; etc., so many adults are still uncomfortable with anything involving the butt.
Before you even think about approaching the back door, you need to have “the talk” with your partner. So why not bring it up with some anal jokes. Just go slow and easy; don’t be hurried. There’s no need to rush. Breathe deeply and chuckle; you probably need it.
Dirty Anal Jokes
Did you hear about the man who was asked if he was a breast or legs guy by a girl?
He told her he was more into anal and feet. Now he’s banned from KFC.
Have you ever noticed how most Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger, Focus.
Anal sex is a lot like Brussels sprouts.
If you’re forced to have it as a child you won’t enjoy it as an adult.
Oral sex will make your day,
But anal sex will make your hole weak.
How is Nuclear power like anal sex?
If done cleanly and properly, it might be even better than conventional methods. But add a few messy mistakes and it’s considered taboo.
What do broccoli and anal sex have in common?
If you were forced to try it as a kid, you probably don’t like it as an adult.
What is an alternative term for anal bleaching?
Changing your ring tone.
A man tells his friend he just opened a brothel.
“$100 for anal and $50 for a blow job,” says the man.
His friend asks, “How much for the pussy?”
“Nah,” says the man, “I don’t have any employees yet.”
Did you hear about the husband who keeps his wife in great shape through anal sex?
Every time he mentions it, she runs a mile.
What do Anal sex and this joke: have in common?
A misused colon.
Aliens are probably monitoring our media.
98% of the internet is porn. Maybe they’re not giving us anal probes. They’re just trying to speak our language.
What’s the similarity between anal sex and cooking fried rice?
Stirring around yesterday’s dinner.
A man walks past a sign reading, “Tits – £10 each, Swallows for £30, £50 for a Shag”, so the man walks in and asks, “How much for anal?”
The woman slaps him and shouts, “SIR! This is an aviary!”
Yo mama so ugly, her blowjob counts as anal.
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Do necrophiliacs like anal?
Butt of corpse.
What do anal sex and bungee jumping have in common?
If the rubber breaks, you’re in the shit.
What do you call an anal quickie?
A bum rush.
A Jewish Mother was horrified to find out her daughter was divorcing her doctor husband.
“Does he hit you?” she asked.
“Is he cheating on you?”
“Did he lose his money?”
“You live in a beautiful house, you have luxury cars, your clothes are of the finest quality, you have a staff to take care of the domestic chores. What does he do so wrong?”
“It’s the anal sex ma. He likes the anal sex.”
“And what’s so bad about that?”
“It’s terrible ma. Always with the anal sex. When we got married, my butthole was the size of a dime. Now it’s the size of a quarter. It’s just terrible.”
“It seems like you are giving up an awful lot just for 15 cents.”
Why is anal sex illegal in Alabama?
You don’t turn your back on family.
Yo mama so fat, she uses yoga balls for anal beads.
What did the inmate say?
“If I had a dollar for every time I got anal. I’d have enough money to bail my ass out of jail.”
How is Anal sex is like getting your first crappy and old bike?
You don’t want it but your dad is going to give it anyway.
What’s the strongest muscle in the human body?
The anal sphincter, because it can cut shit in half.
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A man running from the police runs into the Catholic church and hides in the confession box.
Another person enters the other side and says “Forgive me Father for I have sinned”
The man not wanting to get caught says, “What have you done my daughter?”
She says, “I have had anal sex with my boyfriend, I know sex is for making children, please forgive me. What is my penance?”
The man not knowing what to say, quickly opens his side of the confession box and sees a choir boy walking by, “Hey Kid what does the Priest give for anal sex?”
He replies, “A can of pop and a bag of chips!”
What’s the difference between a microwave and anal sex?
A microwave doesn’t brown your meat.
How much lube does it take to have anal sex?
A butt load.
Isn’t coal like anal sex?
The ones calling it clean aren’t taking it up the ass.
Why do men enjoy anal so much?
Because it’s tight ass fuck.
An employee called into work.
Employee: Can’t come into work boss.
Employee: I have Anal Glaucoma.
Boss: What the hell is that?
Employee: I just can’t see my ass going to work today.
Yo mama breath so bad, when she was giving blowjobs, everyone thought it was anal.
Anal is like brushing your teeth.
If you see blood your not doing it enough.
A nurse pulls an anal thermometer out of her pocket.
“Damn, some assholes got my pen…”
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What did Wonder Woman say when Batman wanted anal?
What do you call anal sex on an airplane?
High ass fuck.
“Let’s go to your place,” said a fat girl.
“I would love to, but I don’t have any lubricant”
“I don’t think it’s necessary, I’m not that tight,” says the girl while smiling.
“Maybe you’re not, but my door is.”
What happens to a girl when she has anal sex with a British guy?
She gets colonised.
Do you know that the anal dildo was invented entirely spontaneously?
From what has been heard, the inventor just pulled it out of his ass.
After their wedding reception, the newlyweds went to their hotel to check-in.
“Do you have reservations?” the desk clerk asked. “Only one,” replied the man. “She says she won’t do anal.”
What do you call a nitpicky Egyptian goddess?
Why could Thor’s daughter never try anal?
Because her father was an Ass-guardian.
Which organic compound do Gay Chemists love?
The deeply religious Jim and Joan are freshly married.
As they begin to consummate their marriage, Jim moves straight for anal. Joan stops him “No, that’s not the right hole.”
“How would you know?” Asks Jim
“I was late after choir practice one day, and Father Henry and I talked about the sins of the flesh. Then he showed me how it was done so I could stay away from it and be wise and virtuous.”
“Well that’s weird,” says Jim. “When we had that discussion, Father Henry put it in my ass.”
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What did the overworked porn star who specialized in anal sex say when asked about his day?
“It was one long ass fucking day.”
How was anal sex discovered?
Wrong holeeeeeeeeeeold on…we might have something here!
Do you know the thing about a girl who does anal on the first date?
It’s easy to slide into her BM’s.
Son: Why is my sister called Teresa?
Dad: Cause your mum loves Easter – it’s an anagram
Son: Thanks, dad.
Dad: No problem Alan.
What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?
One slip of tongue, and you’re in deep shit.
What’s the difference between a fridge and anal sex?
The fridge doesn’t fart when you take the meat out.
If you want to keep a record of the times you had anal sex, why can’t you record it digitally?
Because it’s an ‘anal log.’
Why do hackers always do anal?
Because they love finding a back door they can penetrate.
How is voting like anal?
It doesn’t happen often, so you may regret not participating.
Something that should be taken seriously by adults who participate in it, and it is beneficial to both parties involved.
Some see it as a painful process that involves them putting in extra effort when there could be a million things they’d rather do instead.
Others get really excited about the opportunity and go to great lengths to convince others to come with them.
What do you call someone who is addicted to anal sex?
A crack addict.
What’s a dinosaur which recently had anal called?
What’s the difference between an anal and a cheeseburger?
A cheeseburger doesn’t fart when you remove the pickle.
What do you call a gassy girl who prefers anal?
A guy goes into a pharmacy and asks the assistant behind the counter, “Can you tell me where the anal deodorant is please?”
The assistant looks confused and says, “I’m sorry sir, I don’t think we stock that.”
“Are you sure?” he says, “I’m nearly certain I got my last stick of it from here.”
“I’ve never seen any,” she says, “but I’ll ask my manager.”
The manager comes to the counter and says, “Hello, just making sure I understand what you’re wanting, did you want some anal deodorant?”
“Yes,” the man replies, “I’ve bought it from here before and I’d like some more please.”
“Okay,” says the manager, “I’ve worked here for over 10 years and I’m sure we’ve never sold anal deodorant.”
“But I’ve bought it from here before!” the man protested, “Tell you what, I’ll find my old one from home and bring it in to show you.”
How come they call it a colonoscopy?
It should be anal-ysis.
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex and she was not sure that it was such a good idea
“Do you enjoy it?” The doctor asked.
“Actually, yes, I do.”
“Does it hurt you?” he asked.
“No. I rather like it.”
“Well, then,” the doctor continued, “there’s no reason that you shouldn’t practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you are very careful not to get pregnant.”
The woman was mystified. “What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?”
“Of course,” the doctor replied. “Where do you think all those lawyers, bankers, billionaires and politicians come from?”
If vaginal sex is intercourse, what is a similar term for anal sex?
What does anal sex have in common with GPS navigation?
They’re both driving aids.
The next day he walks into the shop again and finds the same manager, “Look!” he says smugly, “Here’s the last anal deodorant I bought from here!”
The manager takes it from him, inspects it carefully, and replies, “I’m sorry sir but this appears to just be a normal stick of deodorant.”
“Not at all!” the man says, “Look on the back, it clearly says: Take off cap and push up bottom.”
What did the Transgender women say to her boyfriend when he asked for anal sex?
Why are there no gold and silver medals in Competitive Anal Sex?
Because you always come in turd.
How does a gentleman ask for Anal Sex?
“May I push your stool in?”
What’s an alternative to anal lubricant?
Three women are talking about having sex.
The first woman says, “My husband licked my pussy for the first time it months last night, it made my whole night.”
The second woman says, “Oh my husband and I had our first 69 yesterday morning, it made my whole day.”
The third woman says, “Well you’re lucky, me and my husband tried anal last night and it made my hole weak.”
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What happens when you don’t brush your anus?
You get an anal cavity!
What culture was the most innovative at anal sex?
Why self-reflection and self-improvement is like anal sex?
It’s hard, but it’s worth it in the end.
What do you call a prostitute that does anal?
What did one sperm say to another sperm after anal sex?
“How are we supposed to find the egg in THIS shit?!”
A woman hires an agent to kill her husband.
She sets it up so she can watch it from a building overlooking their apartment.
Her husband is showering as the agent arrives. She watches as the agent sneaks up on him without being heard. He whips off his overcoat, throws open the shower door and humps the husband to death.
The wife meets the agent the next day to pay for his service.
She hands over the money and says, “A little more unconventional than I expected, but you got the job done”
“What did you expect?” replies the agent
“Well, when you said you were an anal assassin, I expected you to be meticulous about your work.”
Why is getting married is like receiving anal?
You do it because someone you love guilted you into it or in third-world countries because an older man forced you to.
What is worse than finding a bug in your salad?
Getting anally raped by a rhinoceros.
Most say that Anal sex is overrated.
They say, “It’s fucking shit.”
What does AIDS stand for?
Anally Injected Death Sentence.
Two women are talking about giving blowjobs.
The first says “I don’t like sucking my boyfriend’s dick.”
“Why not?” the second asks. Just then their third friend joins them. “He’s just too big. I feel it right in the back of my throat.”
“I know what you mean,” says the second woman, “Steve’s so big that I feel him bashing my tonsils the whole time”. The third pipes up “Alex’s goes just past my front teeth.”
At this, her two friends explode with laughter. “That’s ridiculous; how can you suck off something that tiny?”
“Suck off?” she says, “I thought we were talking about anal!”
If a Pornstar does anal, how much money do you think they make?
Probably a butt load.
What’s the difference between a chiropractor and someone who is pro-anal?
One is a back cracker, the other is a Crack backer!
Did you know that some people sit on ice packs before having anal sex?
It’s cool ass fuck.
Do you have a dirty Anal Joke? Write down your own adult Anal puns in the comment section below!