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90 Blowjob Jokes & Puns To Make You Laugh

Funny Blowjob Jokes on Giving Head
Best Blowjob Jokes

Humans claim to be the most intelligent, organized, and hygienic living species on the planet, but many of them find the concept of holding someone else’s genitals in their mouth disgusting! That is how things have been for a long time, and the good news is that sex brings humans closer to nature. To normalize, we have aggregated the funniest blowjob jokes for you and your partner.

When it comes to erotica, everything sounds and appears sensuous, gorgeous, and effortless. But, when it comes down to it, a lot of work goes into creating the “ideal” sexual experience, and it’s not all rosy! Let’s admit that the art of providing a wonderful blowjob can do wonders for your sexual adventures if we’re talking about foreplay. Most people believe that it is a selfless gesture since you must truly love your partner to go down on them for their pleasure. But the truth is that we might appreciate it a little more than we admit. The best and most relatable anecdotes that stick with you for a long time, however, can come from the ugly ways in which the art of giving head can occasionally turn out! 

Funny Blowjob Jokes

What’s the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.


What do you feed a woman to stop her from giving blowjobs?
Wedding cake.


Why do men give cold women their jackets?
No man wants a blowjob from a woman with chattering teeth


What is the real reason men enjoy blowjobs?
5 minutes of silence.


What’s the difference between having the same job for 20 years and having the same wife for 20 years?
The job still blows.


Why do men love blow jobs so much?
It’s the only way to get inside a woman’s head.


Why does Dumbledore give the best blow jobs at Hogwarts?
Because he’s the headmaster.


What’s so good about an Ethiopian blow job?
You know she’ll swallow.


What do you call a blow job in the morning?
A head start.


What’s the similarity between getting a blow job from an eighty-year-old woman and walking a tightrope?
In both cases, you really don’t want to look down.


What do you call an equestrian that has never received a blow job?
A Headless Horseman.


What do you call receiving oral while eating a steak?
Fellatio Mignon.


Why shouldn’t you make jokes about dwarves giving fellatio?
It’s a bit of a low blow.


Did you hear about the new virtual reality fellatio program?
It’s a real mind-blowing experience.


Two married friends are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “I honestly don’t know what else to do. When I get home from a night of drinking, I switch off the headlights before I get to the driveway. I turn the car off and roll into the garage. I remove my shoes before entering the house, slip up the stairs, and undress in the bathroom. I go off to sleep, and my wife still wakes up and shouts at me for staying out so late!”
His companion looks at him and says, “You’re clearly taking the incorrect approach. I rush into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, toss my shoes into the closet, leap into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s thighs, and say, ‘How about a blowjob?’… and she’s always fast asleep.”


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What do you call it when a boxer gives Dracula a BJ?
Going down for the count.


What is fellatio in a storm?
Blowing in the wind.


What do you call conversation during BJ?
Job Interview.


Why wouldn’t the lioness give fellatio?
She just couldn’t swallow her pride.


How is marriage like a hurricane?
It starts off with all the sucking and blowing then you lose your house.


A wife is fed up with all of the issues that need to be addressed in her house.
“Can you kindly fix the leak in the bathroom?” she asks her husband, who replies, “Do I look like a plumber?”
“Well, can you maybe fix the light in the living room, it’s been flickering for ages?” she says, to which he replies, “Do I look like an electrician?”
She asks him when she grows exhausted, “Can you at least mow the lawn?” she asks again. “Do I look like a gardener?” replies the gardener.
“Now leave me alone; I have to go to work.”
When he gets home from work, the leak is fixed, the light is no longer flickering, and the lawn is nicely trimmed, he asks his wife, “How did you do all this?”
“You know fat Henry down the road, I called him and asked him to do it for me,” the wife replies. The enraged husband says, “How much have you squandered now?”
“Nothing,” she responds flatly. “Henry said he’d do it for a chocolate cake or a blowjob.”
The husband says, “He does like his cake, old Henry.”
His wife replies, “Do I look like a baker?”


Why do fat girls give such good blowjobs?
Because there is food at the end.


What do you call a blowjob in an Outhouse?
A Country Blumpkin.


How did Captain Crunch get his name?
He got it by giving really bad blowjobs.


What did the wife say when the husband told her that he was so stressed that only a blowjob would help?
“Where will you find a dick to suck at this time of night?”


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What did the man with the average size penis say while getting a blowjob?
You suck a mean dick.


A man travels to Las Vegas to gamble and loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough money for a cab, but he nevertheless pulled one down. He told the driver he’d pay him back the next time and offered him his phone number, but the driver said, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”
He walked all the way to the airport and back to his house.
Some time passes, and he decides to return to Vegas, where he wins big this time.
He packs his baggage and prepares to fly with all of his new winnings.
There is a queue of cabs, and at the end, he recognizes the driver from the previous time who booted him.
He stood there for a time, wondering how he could inflict payback on the driver.
So he gets the first cab. “How much does it cost to get to the airport?” he inquires.
“$15,” says the driver.
“Excellent, how much is a blowjob on the way there?”
“Get the fuck out of my cab,” says the driver.
So he moves on to the next one and asks the same question.
“How much is the airport fare?”
“$15.”
“Would you like a blowjob on the way there?”
That cab driver also asks him to get out of his cab.
He continues along the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally reaches the last driver, the one from his previous trip.
He asks, “Hey how much to the airport?”
The driver replied, “$15.”
The guy hands him $15 and says, “Great let’s go!”
And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their windows while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.


What do you call it when a midget gives head?
A below job.


What do pornstars and Al Qaeda have in common?
They’re both great at blowjobs.


What does a redneck do after giving a blowjob?
Give her dad a goodnight kiss.


How is getting a blowjob from an ugly person similar to like skydiving?
You know it’ll be fun but it is scary when you look down.


What do you call a blowjob from a fish?
A deep-Trout.


A man walks into a bar and orders nine shots of Jagermeister.
“Why are you ordering so many?” wonders the bartender.
“I just had my first blowjob,” the man says.
“Well, congrats, you’ve got the tenth one on me!”
“Thanks, but if nine doesn’t get rid of the taste, nothing will”.


Yo mama so ugly, her blowjob counts as anal.


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How is child support the same as a blowjob?
They both suck.


What do you call a girl that doesn’t give blowjobs?
You don’t.


What do prostitutes who only give blowjobs have?
A suck-sex-full career.


A man walks into a hospital and notices another man masturbating.
He asks the nurse why he is doing this. The nurse informs him that if he does not masturbate every 6 hours, a clot will form and he will die. Then he notices a nurse giving a blowjob to a man in the adjacent room.
“You’ll have to explain this,” he says afterward.
“Same problem, better insurance,” the nurse replies.


Did you hear about the girlfriend who keeps trying to give her guy a blowjob on the treadmill?
It’s a running gag.


What do you call an Israeli blowjob?
Iron Dome.


Why don’t roosters get blowjobs from hens?
They don’t like feathers in their peckers, rrrr, beaks?


Why are vegans bad at blowjobs?
They aren’t used to meat.


After takeoff, the pilot inadvertently left his microphone on, telling his copilot, “Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob.”
A flight hostess dashed over to warn him to turn off his microphone.
When one of the passengers exclaimed, “He also asked for a cup of coffee.”


What do wearing crocs and getting a blowjob from a man have in common?
They both feel good until you look down and realize you’re gay.


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How do you know if a whale is gay?
It is the one that bites off the end of a submarine and sucks all the sea men out.


What’s the difference between giving head and giving blood?
You have to be over 17 to give blood.


Why is the guy who can suck himself off such a narcissist?
Because he’s full of himself.


The teacher entered the classroom and asked her fifth-grade class to spell any 12-letter word. The teacher called on one of the students who raised his hand. He spelled it “M-A-S-T-U-R-B-A-T-I-O-N.” The entire class laughed, and the teacher was taken aback but lauded him because it was a 12-letter word and he managed to spell it correctly. “Wow!” she exclaimed. “Excellent work. That’s quite a mouthful!”
The kid replies, “No, you’re thinking of a blowjob!”


Given the words ‘traffic’, ‘odds’, ‘egg’, and ‘blowjob’ which one doesn’t fit the category?
Blowjob. You can beat an egg, you can beat the odds, you can beat the traffic, but you can’t beat a blowjob.


What do you call it when a king gets a blowjob from his heir?
Succession.


What do you call an astronaut who gives good blowjobs and handjobs?
Kneel Armstrong.


What do straight homeless guys say to each other after giving each other a blowjob?
No homeowner.


What has 8 arms and sucks?
A spider giving a blowjob.


A guy is damned. The devil welcomes him and says “You must pick your suffering. Choose well because this will be your torment for all eternity “.
The man looks through hundreds of rooms but can’t decide until he comes across one in which a man is sitting on a couch watching football on TV while having a blowjob from a cheerleader.
“This is what I want to do for the rest of my life!” says the man.
“Are you sure?” asks the devil.
He yells, “Hell yeah!”
The devil goes up to the cheerleader and says, “You can stop now. I found someone to replace you.”


What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts. This ain’t no ordinary blowjob.


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What do you call nuts on a chin?
A blowjob.


Why are jokes about blowjobs never good?
Because they always suck.


What do you call a blowjob from a toothless Japanese woman?
Oralgumi.


What do you call a blowjob from a religious person?
Moral Sex.


What did the cookie say while it was getting a blowjob?
“You’re gonna make me crumb!”


A man returns home to discover his wife’s luggage packed.
“Where are you going?” he asks.
“Las Vegas, I heard I can make $300 providing blowjobs, so I felt I could make some money doing what I do for you for free,” she explains.
The husband chuckles and begins packing his suitcase, and his wife starts asking what he is doing.
He says, “Coming with you. I want to see how you survive on $600 a year.”


What’s the definition of a true friend?
He who goes into town and gets two blowjobs, so he comes back and gives you one.


What’s another name for a stiff drink?
A blowjob.


A whaling sheep floats above two whales that are relaxing in the ocean near Japan.
Whale 1: You know what would be funny? If we went under the boat and used our blow holes to tip it over.
Whale 2: Okay, let’s do it!
The two whales then dive beneath the boat, blast their blow holes, and flip it over.
Whale 1: That was hilarious! What would be even more ideal? If we ate the members of the crew!
Whale 2: Whoa whoa whoa! I’m all good for a blowjob but I will not swallow the seamen!


What is the difference between a blowjob and an anal?
A blowjob makes your day, but anal makes your hole weak.


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Did you hear about the guy who broke up with his GF called “Rent” when she refused to perform fellatio?
Their relationship ended overhead.


What happens when you perform fellatio on a gun?
It blows your mind.


Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick while giving head?
Apparently, the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.


Once, a woman gets a sore throat and seeks assistance from one of her coworkers.
The coworker explains, “I have the best treatment! When my throat hurts, I just give my hubby a blowjob and it goes away.”
The woman returns to work the next day, and her sore throat healed.
“Did it work?” a coworker asks.
The woman says, “Yes! And your husband couldn’t believe that this was your idea!”


How being in the military is like getting a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.


What does a Furry and a coin have in common?
They’ll both give you head and tail.


How are prostitution and terrorism similar?
They both involve blowjobs.


A man entered a brothel and sought sex from a prostitute, but she refused because he only had $5. She did, however, offer him a penguin blowjob. The man had no idea what it was but felt it was a nice deal at $5.
In the room, she removed his belt, slid his trousers and underpants to his ankles, and began sucking in the room. As things heated up, she came to a halt, turned around, and began walking away. The man chased her down, his trousers and underwear still around his ankles, pleading with her to continue.


What is the definition of trust?
Two cannibals giving each other blowjobs.


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What do you call a blonde with pig tails?
A blowjob with handlebars.


Why is Harry Styles bad at giving blowjobs?
Because he gives them only in one direction


Why do depressed girls give the best blowjobs?
Because they don’t care if they choke.


A groom defies tradition by spending time alone with his bride before their wedding.
He barely has a chance to say anything before she goes to her knees and gives him the best blowjob he’s ever had.
Later, as he takes his place at the altar, his best man, who is beaming, asks him why he is so pleased.
“I just received the best blow job of my life, and I’m getting married to the woman who did it!” He replies.
Similarly, his bride walks down the aisle beaming from ear to ear.
Her maid of honor inquires as to why she is so joyful.
“I just gave the last blowjob of my life!” she replies.


Why did the prostitute give the diabetic a free blowjob?
She thought it’d be sweet.


What did the telepathic guy say when he forced a girl to give him a blowjob using his powers?
“I’m inside your head.”


A man decides to get a pet for his family.
So he goes to a new pet store downtown that promotes exotic animals. As he walks throughout the store, he notices a frog on sale for $1,500 and asks the cashier, “Why is this frog so expensive?”
“Well, that sir isn’t just any frog, it’s a South American blowjob frog, it’s an uncommon species in the States, but they say that frog gives the best blow jobs,” the cashier giggles.
After giving it some thought, the man chooses to buy the frog and see if it lives up to the expectations, despite his belief that the salesperson is lying.
Later that night, the man’s wife returns home to find the kitchen in shambles, dishes all around, and her husband standing in the center of the kitchen, covered in flour, clutching the frog.
“What the hell is going on here?” the wife, perplexed, asks her husband.
“If I can teach this frog to cook, you’re out of here.”


What is the difference between a tyre, and 365 blowjobs?
One is a Goodyear, and one as a Fantastic year.


Four generations of hookers were complaining about how little money they made at the brothel.
The youngest of them sighed and sat down, “These days, males complain that $50 is too much to pay for a blowjob!”
“Fifty bucks!” groans the middle-aged whore. “We were lucky to get $20 in the 1980s!”
The matronly old whore next to her laughs and throws her head back. “Ha! You’ve both been spoilt! Two dollars was the going fee in the 1950s! And we were overjoyed to have it!”
The skinny old grey-haired granny in the rocking chair puts down her knitting and wags a finger at them, “Bah to all of you! When I was a young lady back in the Great Depression, we were happy just to have something warm in our stomachs!”


If getting a blowjob while driving is called Roadhead, what do you call getting a blowjob while piloting a plane?
Airhead.


What’s the best thing about getting a handjob from Heller Keller?
It’s technically a blowjob.


What’s the best thing about having sex with a pregnant woman?
If you go in deep enough, you get a blowjob too.


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A prostitute is taking some night classes and struggling with math.
One day, it clicks. She says, “I give like 5 blowjobs a day. That’s like 35 blowjobs a week!”
The teacher is so proud, “Now you’re thinking with your head!”


What do you call a group of blowjob enthusiasts?
A gaggle


Two statisticians are sitting at a bar.
Man 1: Hey man. Have you hooked up with that girl you’re seeing yet?
Man 2: Yeah, last night actually. She gives a mean blowjob!
Man 1: Oh.. hmm.. nothing spectacular then.
Man 2: Yeah, It was a 5/10.


Why did the vegetarian hate giving blow jobs?
She was a lesbian.


What’s the similarity between a blowjob and the Paralympics?
it is out of goodwill but you know you can do better yourself.


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