30 Funny Chelsea Jokes And Puns For Season 2023-24

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Jessica Amlee


In the last year, Chelsea’s wallet’s done more gymnastics than an Olympic floor routine, splashing cash on young football prodigies from every corner of the globe. Then, in comes Mauricio Pochettino, the coach known for turning young buds into blooming contenders. It’s like pairing a newbie chef with a fancy new kitchen – sounds tasty, right? But why does it feel like Chelsea ordered a gourmet meal and got served fast food instead?

Now, the head-scratchers don’t stop there. Todd Boehly and Behdad Eghbali, our chatty consortium chiefs, seem to be reading from a different playbook than the rest. Promising us fiscal fitness and patience, what we get is a conga line of new faces that fade faster than jeans from a discount store and a coaching musical chairs that’s seen four maestros. From silverware snipers, Chelsea slid to a humble 12th spot. And since then? Oh, it’s been a laugh! They gifted three star players to rival teams like they’re handing out party favors. Add to that, a couple of their old guard jetted off to Saudi, perhaps for the weather? While they’ve added young guns like Disasi, Jackson, and Nkunku, one can’t help but wonder if they’re building a football squad or starting a boy band. Either way, Chelsea’s choices have been more unpredictable than a season finale of a telenovela.

Speaking of telenovelas, Chelsea FC’s recent escapades could easily be the script for prime-time comedy gold. Who needs stand-up comedians when Chelsea’s transfer decisions are delivering giggles aplenty? Whether it’s the team’s uncanny knack for turning gold into glitter or their generous spirit of “sharing is caring” with rivals, they seem to be inadvertently crafting the best punchlines in the football world. Everyone’s heard the classics, like “Why did the Chelsea player bring string to the match? To tie the score!” But, given the recent antics, anticipation is high for the zingers the next season will inspire. Chelsea might not always be on top of the Premier League, but they’re undoubtedly giving top-tier comedic performances. Keep the laughs coming, Blues; the world is here for both the giggles and the goals!

Best Chelsea Jokes 

Why should Manchester United have signed Mudryk instead of Onana?
Clean sheets would have been guaranteed every game.

Mauricio Pochettino and Erik Ten Hag have each been given advent calendars and need to be shown the door.

Did you hear that the new Chelsea team under new coach Mauricio Pochettino had a chance to get 3 points?
But they WestHam.

What’s the bright side for Chelsea team?
At least they haven’t locked this distinctly average group of players into seven and eight year contracts on ridiculous wages.

Did you hear that Twitter users will soon be able to edit their posts?
Giving Chelsea fans the chance to not be racist.

Did you hear about Todd Boehly telling that the Premier League needs to learn from American sports?
The last time American owners decided to teach about American sports, they tried to drag all into a European Super League and a fan uprising was needed to stop it.

Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read:
“Here lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Chelsea fan.”
So, one of them asked the other: “When the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?”

Who is the best actor in the stadium when Bollywood star Abhishek Bachchan enters Stamford Bridge?
Raheem Sterling.

Chelsea New Owner: Todd Boehly
Spendings: Roman Abramovich.

A kid was at school in his Geography lesson, and he asked his teacher what was the smallest sea.
“Is it the Mediterranean Sea?” asked the kid.
“No,” the teacher said.
“Is it the Caribbean sea?”
“No,” he said.
“Is it the Arabian Sea?”
“No,” he said. “By far the smallest sea is Chelsea.”

Who could have been the best signing of the EPL season for Chelsea?
Anthony Taylor.

What is the final score of Barcelona’s and Chelsea’s transfer battle?
Barcelona 6-2 Chelsea FC.

What is the difference between Cesc Fàbregas and Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang?
None, both went from being Arsenal captain to Barcelona, to Chelsea.

Why did Romelu Lukaku fail at Chelsea?
He was more interested in INTERnational duty.

What did Lampard say after his Chelsea sack?
“Friends & family are everything,” said the former midfielder. “When I got home, John Terry was already there comforting Christine on the couch. Not sure how he heard the news so quickly, but they were both red-faced & breathless with emotion.”

What did Drogba say after figuring out a clever Chelsea joke?
“I see what you didier.”

A building set in London is up in flames. A distressed woman, tightly clutching her baby, is spotted screaming for her life and for someone to save her baby.
No one can respond until Edouard Mendy arrives at the scene. He exclaims “Lady, I’m Edouard Mendy! I’m Chelsea’s No. 1 goalkeeper! I’ll save your baby for sure, it’s my job!”
The lady responds with reluctance, “I’m 15 stories high! Surely you won’t be able to save my child!”
Confidently, Mendy responds. “Do not worry, have faith in me. I will save your baby, just as I have performed time and time again important saves for Chelsea.”
Persuaded, the lady puts her faith in Mendy and drops her baby for him. Down the baby goes, 15 stories, 150 feet. Perfectly positioned, and with aerial grace, Edouard Mendy clutches the baby mid-air, bounces it on the ground a few times, and punts it out of bounds.

What’s blue and keeps a cunt warm?
Chelsea scarf.

How do you confuse a Chelsea fan?
Take them to London and ask for directions.

What would be the name of John Terry’s vodka brand?
“He bottled it in Russia.”

Why don’t they drink tea at Stamford Bridge?
Because all the cups are in Manchester.

Recommended: Manchester United Jokes

While talking about which football teams they support, an English family was having dinner.
Younger brother: I probably won’t support Chelsea as my London team anymore…!
Older brother: I would support Brentside as your London team.
Dad: Do you know who I support in London?
Brothers: Who?
Dad: A wife and three kids.

What is the difference between a fat chick and a Chelsea FC striker?
Even a fat chick scores every once in a while.

What do a fine wine and Chelsea FC have in common?
They both spend a lot of time in the cellar, cost too much and are only enjoyed on select occasions.

Did Torres play for every other EPL club before Chelsea?
Because he never celebrated scoring a goal.

Chelsea fan: Chelsea is bigger than Arsenal
Arsenal fan: Why? How?
Chelsea fan: Because we always win trophies.
Arsenal fan: But we have more trophies than you.
Chelsea fan: Those are history.
Arsenal fan: Has Chelsea ever gone a season unbeaten?
Chelsea fan: No.
Arsenal fan: Has Chelsea ever won the Golden EPL trophy?
Chelsea fan: No.
Arsenal fan: Ok I see, did Chelsea have 13 EPL trophies?
Chelsea fan: No.
Arsenal fan: Ok, did Chelsea have 15 FA Cups?
Chelsea fan: No.
Arsenal fan: Was Chelsea founded before Arsenal?
Chelsea fan: No.
Arsenal fan: Then who was founded at first, Chelsea or Arsenal?
Chelsea fan: Arsenal was founded before Chelsea, but that’s history, we at Chelsea always win trophies.
Arsenal fan: How many fans came out for your Champions League cup parade in London?
Chelsea fan: 90,000 fans,
Arsenal fan: Correct. How many fans came out for the Arsenal FA Cup parade in London?
Chelsea fan: 250,000 fans.
Arsenal fan: Correct, so how is Chelsea bigger than Arsenal?
Chelsea fan: We always win trophies.
Arsenal fan: How many trophies does Chelsea have in total? Then tell me how many trophies Arsenal have in total.
Chelsea fan: Umm, emmm, sorry no comment.
Arsenal fan: At present, Arsenal have 47 trophies, and Chelsea has 32 trophies.
Chelsea fan: But we have Champions League, which you don’t have.
Arsenal fan: Does that make you bigger than us?
Chelsea fan: YES!
Arsenal fan: Nottingham forest also has two Champions League, does that make Nottingham equal to Chelsea?
Chelsea fan: (He ran away).

How many Chelsea managers does it take to change a light bulb?
Nobody knows. The light bulb lasts longer than any manager.

How does Stamford Bridge have arguably the best pitch in the Premiership?
It is because of all the shit that has been on there.

Recommended: Liverpool Jokes

The teacher asks the children in class what their dads do for a living.
Mary said, “My Daddy is a fireman and he rescues cats from trees.”
Peter said, “My Daddy is a baker and he makes lots of cakes.”
Finally, she gets to little Johnny who says, “My Daddy is a male stripper in a gay club and he sucks off all the customers for extra money”.
The bell rings and the Teacher asks Little Johnny to stay back and asked “Is that true about your Dad being a stripper?”
Little Johnny said, “No Miss he plays for Chelsea but I was too embarrassed to say that infront of the class.”

What’s John Terry’s favourite song?
Under The Bridge.

Have a funny joke about Chelsea Football Club? Post your story or pun in the comment section below.

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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