50 Liverpool Jokes You Shouldn’t Tell A Scouser

Liverpool Jokes for Scouser
Best Liverpool Jokes

Liverpool has been unable to break their habit of playing catch-up, with their slow starts making life unnecessarily difficult. The last year’s UCL finalists had a bad start in Premier League 2022-23. Naturally, fans on social media had a field day poking fun at The Reds for the unfortunate and unexpected run at the beginning of the season.

From Mane’s absence to injury setbacks, Klopp’s selection problems are deepening day by day. This Liverpool squad might have buried the ghosts of no Premiership but jokes keep following them each season.

Funny Liverpool FC Jokes 

Did you hear about the recent earthquake at Anfield?
It was 5.2 on the Richter scale.

What have a paralyzed amputee and Liverpool FC got in common?
A second leg isn’t much use to either of them.

Did you hear about those fireworks outside the Real Madrid hotel which didn’t work?
Just like the Liverpool fans who set them off.

Today the kids had an exam in school.
When they were done, some raised their hand and yelled, “Liverpool.”
The teacher smiled and took their paper. He knew they were finished.

Why Klopp is the greatest climate activist?
Destroys City and protects the Forest.

What is the similarity between Liverpool and the referee?
Both compete to decide who is worse on match day.

What should a 36-year-old James Milner be doing instead of starting matches?
Discussing his favorite players which he has played against on podcasts.

Why did Sadio Mané break his back in Bayern?
For carrying Liverpool for 6 years.

What would you call a movie on Salah?
Into the blue.

What do you call a Liverpool player with an erection?
A slow poke.

What do you call Darwin Nunez’s headbutt on Andersen?
A ram-done act of violence.

What do you know about Jürgen Klopp’s apparel?
He has no personal clothes but Liverpool-sponsored clothing.

What is the difference between Trent getting lost on a football field or on a minefield?
None, dude is ‘everywhere’ in both cases.

How is Firmino playing this season?
Like a man about to be linked with Fenerbahçe.

What is there to admire about Trent?
The determination to boycott the Qatar World Cup.

Recommended: Qatar World Cup Jokes

What would Luis Suarez have won in this Liverpool FC squad?
Premier League Bite of the Season.

What happened when a horse bolted and ran into Liverpool FC’s training ground?
None of the players were hurt, but it clipped Klopp.

There’s a massive turd on the floor in the Liverpool dressing room after one of their matches. The players can’t believe it.
Jürgen Klopp walks in, looks down, and says “Fucking hell, who’s shit on the floor?”
Virgil van Dijk puts his hand up and says “Me sir, but I’m quite good in the air.”

What is the difference between a Liverpool supporter and a baby?
The baby will stop whining after a while.

What’s the difference between a Liverpool supporter and someone who drank dish soap?
One walks on with hope in their hearts; the other walks on with soap in their farts.

What does England have if no kidney bank?

What part of England is always cloudy?
Liverpool, because they don’t tolerate The Sun there.

An interviewer met a couple of Liverpool supporters at the pub the other night.
“Do you often go to Anfield?” the interviewer asked.
“Yeah, of course!” they said. “We’ve found the perfect way. Ten minutes after kick-off we climb over a fence!”
“That sounds great,” the interviewer replied.
“Yeah, but last week we were caught and had to sit down and watch the rest of the game,” replied one of the fans.

Recommended: Arsenal Jokes

How many Liverpool fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just sit and talk about how good the old one was.

What is the name of the biography of Steven Gerrard of his time at Liverpool?
None, the book has no title.

What do you call a Liverpool player injury he gets at yoga class?

What is red and white and red and white and red and white and red and white?
A Liverpool fan rolling down a hill.

An Everton fan enjoyed scaring every Liverpool fan he saw walking down the street in an obnoxious red shirt. He’d swerve his van as if he was going to hit them, then swerve back just missing them. He saw a priest while driving one day. He decided to do a good deed and pulled over to ask the priest, “Where are you going, Father?” “I’m going to give Mass at St. Francis church, which is about two miles down the road,” the priest explained. “Climb aboard, Father. I’ll take you up!” They continued down the road with the priest in the passenger seat.
When the driver noticed a Liverpool fan walking down the road, he swerved as if to hit him. He swerved back onto the road just in time, as he always does. Despite the fact that he was certain he had missed the guy, he heard a loud thud. Not knowing where the noise was coming from, he checked his mirrors but saw nothing.
He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, “Sorry Father, I almost hit that Liverpool fan.” “That’s ok,” replied the priest. “I got him with the door.”

Why are wheelchair users fans of Liverpool FC?
Because they’ll never walk alone.

What is the full form of YNWA?
You’ll Never Win Again.

Why was that minute’s silence at Anfield last night incredible?
You could even hear a pocket being picked.

How do you get 97 Liverpool supporters in the back of a Mini?
Get the police to open the doors.

A man arrives at the gates of heaven, where St. Peter greets him and asks, “Before I let you in, I must ask you what you have done in your life that was particularly good.”
After racking his brains for a few minutes, the man admits to St Peter that he hasn’t done anything particularly good in his life.
“Well, have you done anything particularly brave in your life?” St Peter asks.
“Yes, I have,” says the man proudly.
St Peter asks the man to give an account of his bravery.
The man claimed, “I was officiating this crucial match at Anfield between Liverpool and Manchester United. The score was 0-0 with one minute remaining in the second half when I awarded a penalty against Liverpool at the Kop end.”
“Yes,” St Peter replied, “I agree that was a truly brave act.” Could you please tell me when this happened?”
“About three minutes ago,” the man replied.

Recommended: Manchester United Jokes

What’s the most dangerous thing you can be asked in Los Angeles, Liverpool, and Manchester?
“Are you a blue or a red?”

What should you do if Liverpool’s midfield steals your car?
Call the Klopps.

Liverpool and Man United are playing at Anfield and the Liverpool supporters are having a pint on the street when a Man Utd supporter walks by with only one shoe on.
One of the Liverpool supporters yells out, “Hey, you daft cunt you’ve lost a shoe.”
The United supporter yells back, “No I haven’t, I’ve found one.”

What is Jordan Henderson’s talent?
He has spirit.

Two Manchester boys are walking down the street when they notice a child being attacked by a dog. One of the boys picks up a stick and hits the dog over the head until the dog lets go of the kid and dies. A man approaches the boy and says “I’m a reporter, and I’d like to run a story about you because you’re a hero. How would you like to see a front-page story about a City fan rescuing a child from a devil dog?”
“I’m not a City fan,” the youngster admits.
“All right, a United fan saves a baby from a wicked dog.”
“I’m not a United fan.”
“So, who do you support?”
“Liverpool,” says the boy.
“Right, so it’ll be scouse bastard kills family pet.”

What do you call a musician who hurts himself while composing a song for Liverpool FC?
A-minor injury.

What is the similarity between Lana Rhoades and Jürgen Klopp?
Both moan a lot.

A primary teacher informs her students that she is a Liverpool fan. She invites her students to raise their hands if they, too, support Liverpool. Except for one little girl, everyone in the class raises their hands.
“Mary, why didn’t you raise your hand?” the teacher asks, surprised. “Because I’m not a Liverpool fan,” she replies. “Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?” Mary replied, “I am an Everton fan, and I am proud of it.” The teacher couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “Mary, why, pray tell, are you an Everton fan?” “Because my mum is an Everton fan, and my dad is an Everton fan, so I’m an Everton fan too!” “Well, that is no reason for you to be an Everton fan,” said the teacher, clearly annoyed. “You don’t have to be just like your parents all of the time… What if your mother was a prostitute and your father was a drug addict?” “Then,” Mary smiled, “I’d be a Liverpool fan.

Haaland: I dream to be invincible like Liverpool.
Reporter: Were they unbeaten as well?
Haaland: No they are dreaming as well.

How many Liverpool fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they all just sit in the dark and talk about how great the old one was.

What should you do if Liverpool midfield steals your car?
Call the Klopps.

Recommended: Chelsea Jokes

A man from Liverpool, England was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Native American man sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face.
“Who’s he?” asked the Liverpudlian.
“That’s the Memory Man.” said the bartender. “He knows everything, remembers everything. He can remember every face he’s ever seen. He can remember any fact he hears or reads. Go and try him out.” So the Liverpudlian goes over, and thinking he won’t know about English football, asks “Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?”.
“Liverpool” replies the Memory Man.
“Who did they beat?”
“Leeds” was the instant reply.
“And the score?”
“Who scored the winning goal?”
“Ian St. John,” said the old man, without a hint of hesitation.
The Liverpudlian was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back.
A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually, he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Native American, only this time he was older and even more wrinkled.
The Liverpudlian approached him with the greeting “How….”
The Memory man looked up and said, “Diving header in the six-yard box.”

What do you call a Liverpool fan who scores high on IQ tests?
A cheat.

Why did the Liverpool fan always help his wife with Chinese cooking?
So she’d never wok alone.

What’s really healthy and scores a lot of goals?
Fruit Salah!

Hope you loved these jokes on Liverpool FC! Make sure you visit this page again as we keep updating new puns every week.

What do you think?

Written by Jessica Amlee

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Known for her sharp wit and clever wordplay, Jessica has authored several popular joke books. A regular at stand-up comedy clubs, she never fails to leave her audience in stitches. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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