50 Liverpool Jokes You Shouldn’t Tell A Scouser

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Jessica Amlee

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Liverpool, the football club that promises the moon and stars but ends up giving you a nightlight. Imagine getting all decked up for a grand ball and then realizing you forgot to wear socks—yup, that’s the Reds for you. After waving ta-ta to Champions League soccer like it’s an ex they never really liked anyway, they’ve rolled into the new season sporting shiny new midfielders and—hold your laughter—the same defensive quirks that made last season look like a blooper reel. Injuries piled up like laundry you swear you’ll get to eventually, and their defense had more holes than a Swiss cheese, leaving them in a pickle no striker could ketchup to.

As for our dear Jurgen Klopp, the man tried to rekindle the magic by throwing Cody Gakpo into the mix and doing the football equivalent of turning Trent Alexander-Arnold into a Swiss Army knife. More assists for Mo Salah, you say? Brilliant! But alas, it was a classic tale of showing up fashionably late to a party that’s already run out of booze. Too little, too late, and too much head scratching for fans wondering if this season will be a Netflix sequel—entertaining but ultimately disappointing.

And speaking of disappointments, let’s not forget the treasure trove of Liverpool FC jokes that never fail to keep us entertained when the match itself doesn’t. Ah, you’ve got to love the classics. Why did the Liverpool fan bring a ladder to the bar? To finally get some points! These zingers are the bread and butter—or should we say, the “bitter and scouser”—of football banter. They add that extra zing, like hot sauce on a bland taco. The jokes are like the unofficial mascot of the club, always lurking around, ready to pounce the moment there’s a fumble, a missed goal, or yet another defensive mishap. So here’s to Liverpool FC jokes, the gift that keeps on giving, much like their defense to the opposing team!

Funny Liverpool FC Jokes 

Jürgen Klopp has always claimed he feels like a Liverpool fan.
Now he’s even made himself unemployed to feel even closer to them.

Liverpool played a French team in the Champions League.
Alot of EPL fans wanted them Toulose.

Which former Liverpool footballer turned pundit is the biggest muppet?
McManaman, do do do do do, McManaman, do do do do.
McManaman, do do do do do, do do do, do do do, do do do do do do do do do do.

“You’ll never walk alone!”
Especially at night in a dark alley in Merseyside.

What’s the difference between Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard?
Frank Lampard won Liverpool the Premier League.

A driver goes into Halfords.
“I’d like a satnav please.”
“OK,” said the assistant,” we have every model possible, European routes, world routes, UK routes.”
“I’ll just take the UK one please,” said the driver.
“Are you sure sir, easy to get lost round Europe.” Replied the assistant.
“No, the UK is fine, ” said the driver, “it’s for the Liverpool team bus next season.”

What do a paralyzed amputee and Liverpool FC have in common?
A second leg isn’t much use to either of them.

You’ll never walk alone, especially when you park in Liverpool.

Hats off to Jürgen Klopp. He’s become a proper scouser, someone the fans can really relate to and hail as one of their own.
He has achieved Victim Status Level 1.

Did you hear about the father and his son who went to Anfield to see Liverpool play, and it lived up to expectations?
Their car was stolen.

Today the kids had an exam in school.
When they were done, some raised their hand and yelled, “Liverpool.”
The teacher smiled and took their paper. He knew they were finished.

What is the similarity between Liverpool and the referee?
Both compete to decide who is worse on match day.

Why did Sadio Mané break his back in Al Nassr?
For carrying Liverpool for 6 years.

What would you call a movie on Salah?
Into the blue.

What do you call a Liverpool player with an erection?
A slow poke.

What do you know about Jürgen Klopp’s apparel?
He has no personal clothes but Liverpool-sponsored clothing.

What is the difference between Trent getting lost on a football field or on a minefield?
None, dude is ‘everywhere’ in both cases.

What would Luis Suarez have won in this Liverpool FC squad?
Premier League Bite of the Season.

What happened when a horse bolted and ran into Liverpool FC’s training ground?
None of the players were hurt, but it clipped Klopp.

There’s a massive turd on the floor in the Liverpool dressing room after one of their matches. The players can’t believe it.
Jürgen Klopp walks in, looks down, and says, “Fucking hell, who’s shit on the floor?”
Virgil van Dijk puts his hand up and says, “Me sir, but I’m quite good in the air.”

What is the difference between a Liverpool supporter and a baby?
The baby will stop whining after a while.

What’s the difference between a Liverpool supporter and someone who drank dish soap?
One walks on with hope in their hearts; the other walks on with soap in their farts.

What does England have if no kidney bank?

What part of England is always cloudy?
Liverpool, because they don’t tolerate The Sun there.

An interviewer met a couple of Liverpool supporters at the pub the other night.
“Do you often go to Anfield?” the interviewer asked.
“Yeah, of course!” they said. “We’ve found the perfect way. Ten minutes after kick-off we climb over a fence!”
“That sounds great,” the interviewer replied.
“Yeah, but last week we were caught and had to sit down and watch the rest of the game,” replied one of the fans.

Recommended: Arsenal Jokes

How many Liverpool fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just sit and talk about how good the old one was.

What is the name of the biography of Steven Gerrard of his time at Liverpool?
None, the book has no title.

What do you call a Liverpool player injury he gets at yoga class?

What is red and white and red and white and red and white and red and white?
A Liverpool fan rolling down a hill.

An Everton fan enjoyed scaring every Liverpool fan he saw walking down the street in an obnoxious red shirt. He’d swerve his van as if he was going to hit them, then swerve back just missing them. He saw a priest while driving one day. He decided to do a good deed and pulled over to ask the priest, “Where are you going, Father?” “I’m going to give Mass at St. Francis church, which is about two miles down the road,” the priest explained. “Climb aboard, Father. I’ll take you up!” They continued down the road with the priest in the passenger seat.
When the driver noticed a Liverpool fan walking down the road, he swerved as if to hit him. He swerved back onto the road just in time, as he always does. Despite the fact that he was certain he had missed the guy, he heard a loud thud. Not knowing where the noise was coming from, he checked his mirrors but saw nothing.
He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, “Sorry Father, I almost hit that Liverpool fan.” “That’s ok,” replied the priest. “I got him with the door.”

Why are wheelchair users fans of Liverpool FC?
Because they’ll never walk alone.

What is the full form of YNWA?
You’ll Never Win Again.

Why was that minute’s silence at Anfield last night incredible?
You could even hear a pocket being picked.

How do you get 97 Liverpool supporters in the back of a Mini?
Get the police to open the doors.

A man arrives at the gates of heaven, where St. Peter greets him and asks, “Before I let you in, I must ask you what you have done in your life that was particularly good.”
After racking his brains for a few minutes, the man admits to St Peter that he hasn’t done anything particularly good in his life.
“Well, have you done anything particularly brave in your life?” St Peter asks.
“Yes, I have,” says the man proudly.
St Peter asks the man to give an account of his bravery.
The man claimed, “I was officiating this crucial match at Anfield between Liverpool and Manchester United. The score was 0-0 with one minute remaining in the second half when I awarded a penalty against Liverpool at the Kop end.”
“Yes,” St Peter replied, “I agree that was a truly brave act.” Could you please tell me when this happened?”
“About three minutes ago,” the man replied.

Recommended: Manchester United Jokes

What’s the most dangerous thing you can be asked in Los Angeles, Liverpool, and Manchester?
“Are you a blue or a red?”

What should you do if Liverpool’s midfield steals your car?
Call the Klopps.

Liverpool and Man United are playing at Anfield and the Liverpool supporters are having a pint on the street when a Man Utd supporter walks by with only one shoe on.
One of the Liverpool supporters yells out, “Hey, you daft cunt you’ve lost a shoe.”
The United supporter yells back, “No I haven’t, I’ve found one.”

What is Jordan Henderson’s talent?
He has spirit.

Two Manchester boys are walking down the street when they notice a child being attacked by a dog. One of the boys picks up a stick and hits the dog over the head until the dog lets go of the kid and dies. A man approaches the boy and says “I’m a reporter, and I’d like to run a story about you because you’re a hero. How would you like to see a front-page story about a City fan rescuing a child from a devil dog?”
“I’m not a City fan,” the youngster admits.
“All right, a United fan saves a baby from a wicked dog.”
“I’m not a United fan.”
“So, who do you support?”
“Liverpool,” says the boy.
“Right, so it’ll be scouse bastard kills family pet.”

What do you call a musician who hurts himself while composing a song for Liverpool FC?
A-minor injury.

What is the similarity between Lana Rhoades and Jürgen Klopp?
Both moan a lot.

A primary teacher informs her students that she is a Liverpool fan. She invites her students to raise their hands if they, too, support Liverpool. Except for one little girl, everyone in the class raises their hands.
“Mary, why didn’t you raise your hand?” the teacher asks, surprised. “Because I’m not a Liverpool fan,” she replies. “Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?” Mary replied, “I am an Everton fan, and I am proud of it.” The teacher couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “Mary, why, pray tell, are you an Everton fan?” “Because my mum is an Everton fan, and my dad is an Everton fan, so I’m an Everton fan too!” “Well, that is no reason for you to be an Everton fan,” said the teacher, clearly annoyed. “You don’t have to be just like your parents all of the time… What if your mother was a prostitute and your father was a drug addict?” “Then,” Mary smiled, “I’d be a Liverpool fan.

Haaland: I dream to be invincible like Liverpool.
Reporter: Were they unbeaten as well?
Haaland: No they are dreaming as well.

How many Liverpool fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they all just sit in the dark and talk about how great the old one was.

What should you do if Liverpool midfield steals your car?
Call the Klopps.

Recommended: Chelsea Jokes

A man from Liverpool, England was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Native American man sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face.
“Who’s he?” asked the Liverpudlian.
“That’s the Memory Man.” said the bartender. “He knows everything, remembers everything. He can remember every face he’s ever seen. He can remember any fact he hears or reads. Go and try him out.” So the Liverpudlian goes over, and thinking he won’t know about English football, asks “Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?”.
“Liverpool” replies the Memory Man.
“Who did they beat?”
“Leeds” was the instant reply.
“And the score?”
“Who scored the winning goal?”
“Ian St. John,” said the old man, without a hint of hesitation.
The Liverpudlian was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back.
A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually, he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Native American, only this time he was older and even more wrinkled.
The Liverpudlian approached him with the greeting “How….”
The Memory man looked up and said, “Diving header in the six-yard box.”

What do you call a Liverpool fan who scores high on IQ tests?
A cheat.

Why did the Liverpool fan always help his wife with Chinese cooking?
So she’d never wok alone.

What’s really healthy and scores a lot of goals?
Fruit Salah!

Hope you loved these jokes on Liverpool FC! Make sure you visit this page again as we keep updating new puns every week.

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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