40 Tottenham Jokes You Cannot Share With Spurs Fans

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Jessica Amlee

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Tottenham have their own customized version of the phrase “to bottle.” To ‘Spurs’ a game or have something ‘Spursed’ is equivalent to ‘bottling’ something. Be it the home match against Leicester City in the season 2015/16 or the away match in Europa League R16 at Zagreb in the season 2020/21, Spurs find a way to cheer their rival fans.

As we usher in a fresh chapter at Tottenham in season 2023-24, Ange Postecoglou has stepped in as the gaffer, with Harry Kane setting sail on a whopping $110 million voyage to Bayern Munich. At first glance, it appears Spurs are all in for a revamp under their new boss. Yet, in a twist only Spurs could orchestrate, they parted ways with their star player just 48 hours before the season’s curtain-raiser.

Jokes aside, every club has its ups and downs, triumphs, and heartbreaks. Today’s banter might be tomorrow’s accolade. Until then, we’ll keep the football spirits alive with some puns and giggles. And to all the Tottenham fans out there – chin up! Football’s beauty lies not just in the victories, but in the passion, love, and unyielding support of its fanbase. Go Spurs!

Funny Spurs Jokes

What did Ange Postecoglou say about his team after 3 defeats in a row?
“It’s just who we are, mate.”

How is Tottenham’s defense similar to an iPhone?
You just have to slide to unlock.

Did you know that silver doesn’t just kill werewolves but it also kills Jews?
That would certainly explain the state of the Spur’s trophy cabinet.

That new Tottenham Hotspur Stadium really is something to be admired. It pays host to NFL, boxing bouts, and rock concerts. And now it even has a built-in go-kart circuit.
You never know, one day the c*nts might even start playing football there.

Would anybody like to buy Taylor Swift’s Tottenham Hotspur bra?
It doesn’t have any cups though.

What’s the difference between Liz Truss and Tottenham Hotspur?
Liz Truss has no sons.

How do you know Ange Postecoglou must have hurt his leg whilst at Tottenham Hotspur?
He was always relying on Son and now even Kane is not there.

A guy dies and at the pearly gates St Peter is waiting for him,
“OK, you have been a bit naughty down there you have to finish a task before we let you in. “
“Alright, let’s get on with it, ” the bloke replied. With that St Peter got an old bucket with a hole in it and said, “See that ocean down there, you have to empty it using just the bucket.”
“Are you taking the piss?” said the bloke, “is there anything else I can do?”
“Well let’s have a look, yes, the Spurs manager’s job has just become available, you can do that until they win a trophy. “
“F*cks sake, “replied the bloke, “pass me the f*cking bucket.”

What’s so special about Spurs from all other EPL clubs?
They are a social experiment set up to see how far they can mentally and physically push a human being.

What if Tottenham was a Game Thrones house?
Their motto would be “False hope is better than no hope.”

Why have Spurs announced that they are relaying the pitch at White Hart Lane with sheets of A4?
Apparently, they can beat anyone on paper.

Why did the Tottenham fan bring a time machine?
To see the last time they won the league.

Why is tea so expensive at White Hart Lane?
Because they don’t have that many cups.

A man is sitting in a pub with his Jack Russell dog on Tuesday night. The football results are coming up on the television in the corner, “Sporting CP 2, Tottenham Hotspur 0,” reads the announcer in his normal, rather sedate, voice.
Suddenly the Jack Russell dog jumps up and shouts out, “Oh, no, not again.”
The shocked pub owner says, “That’s amazing. Why did he say that when the result was announced that Tottenham lost?”
“Because he’s a Spurs supporter. He always reacts like that when we lose a match. He wants us to win the European Trophy,” the dog’s owner replies.
The pub owner then asked what the dog says when Tottenham wins an away European match, to which the man replied, “I don’t know. I’ve only had him for like 20 months.”

What is Tottenham’s new trophy room name?
The Room.

Why did José Mourinho got sacked by Spurs?
He ain’t that special.

What is the difference between Tottenham and a book?
A book has a title.

Why are Tottenham jokes getting dumber by the day?
Because the fans started to make them up themselves.

Three elderly football enthusiasts enter a church. The first is a Manchester United supporter, the second an Arsenal supporter, and the third a Spurs supporter. A booming voice welcomes them as they walk through the doors. It’s God, and he says, “Welcome! I don’t do it frequently, but once in a while, I like to call down to Earth and check if any of the people have any questions for me. You can ask questions concerning the past, present, or future, whatever you want to know, but you only get one question per person for the sake of time.”
The Manchester United supporter pushes the other two aside and exclaims, “God! When will Manchester United win the Premier League again? “, to which God replied, “In ten years.” The disappointed admirer sulks away, exclaiming, “That’s a shame; I’ll probably be dead by then.”
The Arsenal fan and his walking cane push the first fan to the side as he sulks. The Arsenal supporter prays to God, “When will Arsenal win the Premier League again?” “, to which God replies, “In 20 years.” The admirer, like the first, is visibly upset, saying, “That’s a shame, I’ll probably be dead by then.”
God then turns his attention to the last man, asking, “And what of you, my son?” What exactly is your question? ”. The man pauses for a moment before exclaiming, “God!” When is Tottenham going to win a trophy? “, to which God replies, “It’s a shame because I’ll most likely be dead by then.”

Recommended: Arsenal Jokes

An amateur football player was killed by a crocodile after jumping into a river to cool off.
To save the family from further embarrassment he was wearing a Tottenham Hotspur football kit.

At a local derby between Arsenal and Spurs last season, a spectator suddenly found himself in the thick of dozens of flying bottles.
“There’s nothing to worry about, lad,” said the elderly chap standing next to him…
“It’s like the bombs during the war. You won’t get hit unless the bottle’s got your name on it.”
“That’s just what I’m worried about…,” said the fan,”…my name’s Johnny Walker.”

What does an Arsenal fan do when he sees a blue bird flying?
Shoots it and then gives it to a Spurs Fan.

An Arsenal fan is walking past White Hart Lane and sees three season tickets nailed to the wall. He takes them before anyone notices.
Nails always come in handy.

What does THFC stand for?
Tottenham Heading For the Championship.

What does a Spurs fan do after he sees his team win a trophy?
Turns off the Xbox.

Why are Tottenham Hotspur fans so bad at geometry?
Because they never have any points.

What do Tottenham Hotspur and excellent wine have in common?
They both spend a lot of time in the cellar, cost too much, and are only enjoyed on select occasions.

A policeman was driving along one day when he saw a car in a ditch. When he looked inside he saw a deceased man with a Spurs shirt on, a d*ldo up his a*se, a pink tutu on and a lot of over-the-top make-up.
The policeman said to himself, “I can’t let his family see him like this.” So before calling them, he took the Spurs shirt off.

What did the guy do when a kinky girl asked him to humiliate her?
He bought her a Tottenham shirt.

Why don’t they drink tea at White Hart Lane?
Because all the cups are in Manchester.

Recommended: Manchester United Jokes

Why did the Spurs have been forced to rename their ground White Lane?
Because their “Hart” was surgically removed when Berbatov and Keane were sold.

Diego Maradona decides to come out of retirement and play for West Ham.
He goes into the changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum. “What’s up?” He asks. “Well, we’re having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it’s important but it’s only Spurs. They’re shit and we can’t be bothered.”
Maradona looks at them and says “Well I know I’m a bit fat and old, but I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub.” So Maradona goes out to play Spurs by himself and the rest of the West Ham team go off for a few beers.
After a few pints, they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the TV on. A big cheer goes up as the screen shows “West Ham 1 (Maradona 10 minutes) – Tottenham 0 He is beating Spurs all by himself!
Anyway, a few more beers later, and the game is forgotten until someone remembers, “It must be full-time now, let’s see how he got on!” They put the TV on. “Result from The London Stadium: West Ham 1 (Maradona 10 minutes) – Tottenham Hotspur 1 (Kane 89 minutes).” They can’t believe it, he has single-handedly got a draw against Spurs!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. “I’ve let you down I’ve let you down.”
“Don’t be stupid Diego, you got a draw against Spurs all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end,” said the teammates.
Maradonna says, “No, No, I have, I’ve let you down! I got sent off after 12 minutes!”

What do you say to a Spurs fan with a good-looking bird on his arm?
Nice tattoo.

What do you call a Tottenham Hotspur supporter who scores high on IQ tests?
A cheat.

What’s the difference between Tottenham Hotspur and a mosquito?
A mosquito stops sucking.

What does Tottenham joining a European super league feels like?
Similar to Bananaman getting called up as an Avenger.

What two Tottenham players make a Liverpool goalie?
Alli-Son Becker.

Recommended: Liverpool Jokes

What do you call a dead Tottenham Fan in a closet?
Last year’s winner of the hide and seek contest.

Since 1961:
Man has walked on the moon.
England has won a World Cup.
The Berlin Wall was put up.
The Berlin Wall was pulled down.
Color television has been invented.
Internet has been invented.
Lots of people have Netflix and chilled.
People have started paying in Cryptocurrency.
But Spurs still haven’t won the league.

Why can’t Tottenham open up a restaurant?
Because they have no silverware.

What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Spurs strikers?
Clinton can score.

What’s the difference between a Tottenham fan and a broken clock?
Even a broken clock is right twice a day!

Have a better joke about Tottenham to mock your mates? Share the funny puns and roasts in the comment section below.

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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