Santa Claus is the jolly icon of holiday cheer, known for his rosy cheeks and hearty “ho-ho-ho,” may not always be the innocent figure we tell our children about. Beyond the milk and cookies, and the lore of the North Pole, there’s an adult side to Santa that emerges after hours. When the elves clock out and Mrs. Claus turns in for the night, Santa’s humor takes a turn for the naughty. It’s in this realm that ‘Dirty Santa’ emerges, cracking jokes that are more suited for the grown-ups on the naughty list than for those expecting toys and sweets. It’s a side of Santa that revels in the risqué, the playful double entendres, and the belly laughs that come from humor that’s just a bit off-color.
Our dirty Santa jokes capitalize on this red-suited icon’s darker sense of humor. They play on the traditional narratives of Santa, flipping them on their head to reveal a side that’s as spicy as gingerbread with a kick of extra cinnamon. These jokes are for those who appreciate a bit of naughtiness wrapped in a bow of wit, where the punchlines are as unexpected as finding coal in your stocking. They’re a testament to the fact that sometimes, even the most wholesome of characters can have a side that’s a little bit dirty, a little bit funny, and a whole lot of fun.
Despite their controversial nature, dirty Christmas jokes have been a staple of comedy for centuries and continue to be a popular form of humor during the holiday season.
Adult Santa Jokes
How is Santa like Bill Cosby?
Neither will come if you’re awake.
How much does Santa pay for parking?
8 bucks.
Why does Santa wear red and white?
It’s to represent coming during a Christmas period.
For cannibals, which of Santa’s reindeer is their favorite?
Donner.
On Christmas Eve, a miserable woman stands on the edge of a high bridge contemplating suicide. As she goes to step off she feels resistance from behind. She turns around to see Santa Claus holding her jacket.
“Santa Claus??” exclaims the woman,
“Yes, why are you out here so miserable on Christmas Eve, young lady?” Asks Santa.
“Well, I have nothing left to live for. I was fired from my job, my husband left with the kids, my landlord is evicting me, and my cancer has returned.”
Santa replies, “Fret not, for Christmas miracles are real. When you go home tonight, you will have a message from your boss giving you your job back, your husband will be waiting happily with the children, you will have your apartment back, and your cancer will be gone.”
“My goodness!” exclaims the woman. “That is truly a miracle, is there any way I can ever repay you?”
“There is one thing… how about a blowjob?”
“Well… sure!”
The woman gets on her knees, unzips Santa, gives him the best blower of his life, and slurps up every last bit.
As Santa is about to leave, he asks the woman “by the way, how old are you?”
“I’m 27” replies the woman while wiping her mouth.
“You’re 27 and you still believe in Santa Claus?” he replies while chuckling heartily, walking into the night.
What’s the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?
Santa stopped with 3 hos.
What did Santa say to a naughty kid?
“Put your pants back on!”
Two prostitutes are talking on Christmas night.
“So, what did you ask to Santa Claus?”
“Oh, $30 like to everyone else.”
A small girl sits on Santa’s lap at the shopping mall. He asks her, “And what would YOU like for Christmas, little girl?”
She thinks for a moment and says “Umm, I’d like, my very first pubic hair!”
Santa responds, “No problem! Is it okay if it’s a grey one?”
What does Mrs. Claus get when she wears tight pants?
A Mistletoe.
Why did one of Santa’s little helpers become a prostitute?
Because she was a ho ho ho with low elf esteem.
Santa went to the Doctors with a problem.
Doctor: What seems to be the problem?
Santa: I seem to have a mince pie stuck up my bottom!
Doctor: Well you’re in luck because I’ve got just the cream for that!
Did you know Santa replaced all the elves’ testicles with bells?
You can hear them when they’re coming!
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Why does Mrs. Claus need a hip replacement?
Because it takes Santa all night to empty his sack.
What’s Ho-Ho-Ho?
It’s what Santa says when he sees your sister, wife, and mother.
A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in sex.
Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills. He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it’s working.
So she takes the pills home and puts one pill in her husband’s Christmas dinner. That night, they make love for one hour. The next day, she’s running around thrilled and happy.
“Oh, my God. I can’t believe how well that worked,” she thinks to herself. That night she puts two pills in his food and that night they make love for two hours. The next day, she’s even more thrilled, so she dumps all the pills in his food.
Two weeks go by without any word from this woman, so Santa decides to give her a call. A little boy answers the phone. Santa says, “Little boy, is your mother home?”
“No, she’s…who’s this?” the little boy asks. “I’m a friend of your mother’s and I gave her some pills to help her out a couple of weeks ago. Maybe you know how it’s going?”
“That was you?!” the little boy says. “Let me tell you — Mom’s dead, sister’s pregnant, my ass hurts and Dad’s in the attic going, ‘Here kitty, kitty, kitty.’ “
What does Santa say when he flies over Vegas?
“Ho Ho Ho, ho, ho ho ho wow a lotta hoes!”
What did Santa give to the orphan?
Expired coupons for new parents.
Why is Santa always so jolly?
He knows where all the naughty girls live.
Why does Santa not have any children?
He comes once a year and it’s down a chimney.
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
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A boy wrote Santa, “Please send me a sister.”
Santa wrote back, “Alright, send me your mother.”
Santa walks into the North Pole bar, takes a seat, and asks the bartender for his most popular.
The bartender pours out something that looks like a candy cane. “It’s called ‘Elf Cum.”
Santa cringes, but downs it and remarks, “Gee, that’s really good, but why do you call it ‘Elf Cum’?”
The bartender replies, “When I tested it out with Mrs. Claus, she said, ‘That tastes just like Elf cum!’”
Where did Santa meet his wife?
Conjunction junction, they specialize in hooking up words, phrases, and Clauses.
What does Santa Claus have in common with a teenage boy?
They both empty their sacks into socks while the family is asleep.
Remember the man who said he wouldn’t like Santa very much if he was gay?
Now everyone thinks he is hohohomophobic.
What’s worse than sitting on Santa’s lap and he gets a woody?
When he stands up and you don’t slide off.
How did Santa Catch Herpes?
Too many ho ho hos.
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Why did Mrs. Clause cheat on Santa?
You’d think it’s because she’s a ho ho ho, but really he just wasn’t present enough.
What’s something both hookers and Santa can say during the holidays?
“It’s my busy season.”
Christmas was approaching so Little Johnny’s parents took him to the mall to see Santa Claus.
Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said, “Santa, for Christmas I want a godd*mn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my godd*mn bed. I want a godd*mn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the godd*mn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a godd*mn new bike and I want it put under a godd*mn tarp in the godd*mn shed.”
Santa, taken aback, approached Little Johnny’s parents and exclaimed, “In all my years, I have never seen a little boy with such a foul mouth.”
“We know,” his parents responded, “but we have no idea what to do about his behavior.” “Everything has been tried.”
“Here’s what we’ll do to teach him a lesson,” Santa said, “everywhere Johnny asked for a present, we’ll put a pile of dog poop.” The parents agreed to give Santa’s plan a shot.
On Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and immediately looked under his bed. Seeing the pile of poop, he ran downstairs to the Christmas tree and checked underneath.
Finding another pile of poop under the tree, he ran out the door and threw open the shed door.
Johnny stepped out of the shed and began looking around the yard. After a while, his parents sarcastically asked him, “So, Little Johnny, what did you get for Christmas?”
Johnny looked at his parents and exclaimed, “I think I got a godd*mned dog, but I can’t find the motherf#cker!”
Why is Santa’s sack so big?
Because he only comes once a year.
Why does Santa always come through the chimney?
Because he knows better than to try the back door.
How can Santa afford all the toys he hands out?
With the money he makes off his ho-ho-hos.
What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?
Santa was smart enough to stop at three hos.
After all these years, how do Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus keep the marriage fresh?
Toys.
A cop on horseback is stopped at a traffic light on Christmas morning, and next to him is a little girl on her brand-new bike.
The cop tells the young girl, “You have a nice bike, sweetheart. Did Santa bring you that?”
“Yes, he did,” she sweetly replied.
The cop says, with a smile on his face, “So, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike next year,” he says as he hands the girl a $20 ticket.
Before the cop rides away, she says “By the way, that’s a nice horse you’ve got there. Did Santa bring you that?”
The cop, playing along, says, “He certainly did.”
“Well, next year, tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.”
What did Santa give to his parents when they asked for a divorce?
He gave them semicolons; they are great for separating independent clauses.
What quality does Santa have that women wish their men had?
He lasts all night!
How does Santa avoid STDs?
He wraps his package before shoving it down the chimney.
What’s so similar about Santa and Jimmy Savile?
They both leave the children’s bedrooms with empty sacks.
Why is Santa in the hospital?
He threw the wrong sack over his shoulder.
Santa Claus comes down the chimney one Christmas Eve and is startled by a beautiful 19-year-old blonde. “Santa, will you stay with me?” she inquires. Santa Claus says, “Ho, Ho, Ho, I have to go, I have to go! I have to get these toys to the kids, you know!”
“Santa, now will you stay with me?” she asks, taking off her nightgown and wearing only a bra and panties. Santa Claus says, “Ho, Ho, Ho, I have to go, I have to go! I have to get these toys to the kids, you know!”
She takes off everything and asks, “Santa, now will you stay with me?” Santa replies “Hey, Hey, Hey, I gotta stay, gotta stay! I can’t get up the chimney with my dick this way!”
Regular Santa: “Ho, Ho, Ho!!”
Gay Santa : “Haaaayyy, Haaaayyy, haaayyy!”
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Why isn’t Santa able to ej*culate?
His balls are hanging in the tree.
What do you get if you deep-fry Santa Claus?
Crisp Cringle.
Why does Santa always land on your roof?
Because he likes it on top.
Why did Santa divorce, Mrs. Claus?
He was obsessed with getting the cookie.
When four of Santa’s elves became ill and the trainee elves were unable to produce toys as quickly as the regular elves, Santa began to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Mrs. Claus then informed Santa that her mother was coming to see him.
This added to Santa’s anxiety.
When he went to catch the reindeer, he discovered that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were somewhere in the wilderness.
More anxiety.
When he started loading the sleigh, one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground, scattering the toys.
Santa, frustrated, went inside for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
He went to the cupboard and discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, so there was nothing to drink.
In his rage, he dropped the cider pot, which broke into hundreds of small pieces all over the kitchen floor.
When he went to get the broom, he discovered that mice had eaten the straw end.
The doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa trudged to the door.
When he opened the door, there was a small angel holding a large Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa! Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Why was Santa upset when he got a sweater for Christmas?
Because he was really hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Wanna see the North Pole?
That’s what Mrs. Claus calls it.
Why did Santa send his daughter to college?
To keep her off the North Pole.
Santa has been so busy with getting toys ready for next Christmas that he hasn’t been able to be intimate with Mrs. Clause. They realized it had been 3 months since the last time they had had sex. That night, Santa decided to take a break from making toys to be intimate with his wife That night they went into the bedroom, started ripping each other’s clothes off, and started going at it.
After 2 minutes, an elf came busting through the door.
The elf said, “Santa !!! Santa !! You need to come quick! The toy factory is on fire!”
Santa replied, ” Boy I haven’t had sex in 3 months !! Of course, I was gonna cum quick!”
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What’s the difference between a Christmas tree and Santa?
A Christmas tree will stay up for 12 nights, has cute balls, and looks good with the lights on.
What happened when Mr. and Mrs. Claus got randy beneath the Christmas tree?
She came down with tinselitis!
On the previous night before Christmas, the kid couldn’t sleep so she went downstairs. She saw mummy kissing a strange man. So she ran upstairs to tell daddy but he wasn’t in his bedroom. She went back to bed crying.
In the morning, mummy woke her up by saying, “Merry Christmas” but the kid ran straight to daddy. She said, “Last night mummy was kissing Santa Claus.”
The mom looked really embarrassed but daddy just laughed at her.
What did Santa give to the orphan?
Expired coupons for new parents.
Why does Santa go to strip clubs?
To visit all his ho ho ho’s.
What did the naughty soccer announcer get from Santa Claus?
COOOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL!!!!!!!
One day at the north pole Santa walking to the toy shop and in the snow next to the sidewalk was written Merry Christmas Santa in urine. This troubled Santa so he gathered his top elves to solve the mystery.
An hour later came back and told Santa that they had good news and bad news. The good news is that the urine was Jack Frost’s and the bad news is the message is in Mrs. Clause’s handwriting.
Why is Santa ain’t black?
Because he won’t be visible at night.
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What’s the difference between Santa Claus and the Jews?
Santa goes down the chimney.
Why don’t Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they make the toys.
How is a pedophile’s love life similar to Santa’s?
It exists thanks to gullible six year olds.
While dirty Santa jokes can be funny, they can also be offensive and hurtful. Although most are in the best of minds during Christmas but many people find these naughty puns crass and inappropriate, and they can even contribute to harmful stereotypes and prejudice. For this reason, it is important to be mindful of who you are telling dirty jokes to and to be prepared for a negative reaction. Apart from the list above, have you heard any dirtier Santa Claus jokes? You can leave your own naughty puns and one-liners in the comments section below. Go on!
My childhood was ruined when…
I realized Santa’s sperm tasted just like my dads.