45 Dirty Santa Jokes And Puns For Adults

Dirty Santa Jokes For Adults
Dirty Santa Jokes For Adults

Jokes are a form of humor that is meant to make people laugh. Dirty jokes are a type of humor that relies on sexual innuendo or double entendre to get a laugh. These jokes often push the boundaries of what is considered socially acceptable and can be offensive to some people. They can be a great way to lighten the mood and bring couples together, especially on Christmas. So next time you or your partner is feeling down or just want to make someone smile on Christmas, try telling a dirty Santa joke!

Despite their controversial nature, dirty Christmas jokes have been a staple of comedy for centuries and continue to be a popular form of humor during the holiday season.

Adult Santa Jokes

How is Santa like Bill Cosby?
Neither will come if you’re awake.

Why is Santa always so jolly?
He knows where all the naughty girls live.

Why does Santa not have any children?
He comes once a year and it’s down a chimney.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.

A boy wrote Santa, “Please send me a sister.”
Santa wrote back, “Alright, send me your mother.”

Santa walks into the North Pole bar, takes a seat, and asks the bartender for his most popular.
The bartender pours out something that looks like a candy cane. “It’s called ‘Elf Cum.”
Santa cringes, but downs it and remarks, “Gee, that’s really good, but why do you call it ‘Elf Cum’?”
The bartender replies, “When I tested it out with Mrs. Claus, she said, ‘That tastes just like Elf cum!’”

Where did Santa meet his wife?
Conjunction junction, they specialize in hooking up words, phrases, and Clauses.

What does Santa Claus have in common with a teenage boy?
They both empty their sacks into socks while the family is asleep.

Remember the man who said he wouldn’t like Santa very much if he was gay?
Now everyone thinks he is hohohomophobic.

What’s worse than sitting on Santa’s lap and he gets a woody?
When he stands up and you don’t slide off.

How did Santa Catch Herpes?
Too many ho ho hos.

Recommended: Santa Claus Jokes

Why did Mrs. Clause cheat on Santa?
You’d think it’s because she’s a ho ho ho, but really he just wasn’t present enough.

What’s something both hookers and Santa can say during the holidays?
“It’s my busy season.”

Christmas was approaching so Little Johnny’s parents took him to the mall to see Santa Claus.
Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a goddamn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my goddamn bed. I want a goddamn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the goddamn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a goddamn new bike and I want it put under a goddamn tarp in the goddamn shed.”
Santa, taken aback, approached Little Johnny’s parents and exclaimed, “In all my years, I have never seen a little boy with such a foul mouth.”
“We know,” his parents responded, “but we have no idea what to do about his behavior.” “Everything has been tried.”
“Here’s what we’ll do to teach him a lesson,” Santa said, “everywhere Johnny asked for a present, we’ll put a pile of dog poop.” The parents agreed to give Santa’s plan a shot.
On Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and immediately looked under his bed. Seeing the pile of poop, he ran downstairs to the Christmas tree and checked underneath.
Finding another pile of poop under the tree, he ran out the door and threw open the shed door.
Johnny stepped out of the shed and began looking around the yard. After a while, his parents sarcastically asked him, “So, Little Johnny, what did you get for Christmas?”
Johnny looked at his parents and exclaimed, “I think I got a goddamned dog, but I can’t find the motherf#cker!”

Why is Santa’s sack so big?
Because he only comes once a year.

Why does Santa always come through the chimney?
Because he knows better than to try the back door.

How can Santa afford all the toys he hands out?
With the money he makes off his ho-ho-hos.

What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?
Santa was smart enough to stop at three hos.

After all these years, how do Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus keep the marriage fresh?

A cop on horseback is stopped at a traffic light on Christmas morning, and next to him is a little girl on her brand-new bike.
The cop tells the young girl, “You have a nice bike, sweetheart. Did Santa bring you that?”
“Yes, he did,” she sweetly replied.
The cop says, with a smile on his face, “So, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike next year,” he says as he hands the girl a $20 ticket.
Before the cop rides away, she says “By the way, that’s a nice horse you’ve got there. Did Santa bring you that?”
The cop, playing along, says, “He certainly did.”
“Well, next year, tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.”

What did Santa give to his parents when they asked for a divorce?
He gave them semicolons; they are great for separating independent clauses.

What quality does Santa have that women wish their men had?
He lasts all night!

How does Santa avoid STDs?
He wraps his package before shoving it down the chimney.

What’s so similar about Santa and Jimmy Savile?
They both leave the children’s bedrooms with empty sacks.

Why is Santa in the hospital?
He threw the wrong sack over his shoulder.

Santa Claus comes down the chimney one Christmas Eve and is startled by a beautiful 19-year-old blonde. “Santa, will you stay with me?” she inquires. Santa Claus says, “Ho, Ho, Ho, I have to go, I have to go! I have to get these toys to the kids, you know!”
“Santa, now will you stay with me?” she asks, taking off her nightgown and wearing only a bra and panties. Santa Claus says, “Ho, Ho, Ho, I have to go, I have to go! I have to get these toys to the kids, you know!”
She takes off everything and asks, “Santa, now will you stay with me?” Santa replies “Hey, Hey, Hey, I gotta stay, gotta stay! I can’t get up the chimney with my dick this way!”

Regular Santa: “Ho, Ho, Ho!!”
Gay Santa : “Haaaayyy, Haaaayyy, haaayyy!”

Recommended: Reindeer Jokes

Why isn’t Santa able to ejaculate?
His balls are hanging in the tree.

What do you get if you deep-fry Santa Claus?
Crisp Cringle.

Why does Santa always land on your roof?
Because he likes it on top.

Why did Santa divorce, Mrs. Claus?
He was obsessed with getting the cookie.

When four of Santa’s elves became ill and the trainee elves were unable to produce toys as quickly as the regular elves, Santa began to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Mrs. Claus then informed Santa that her mother was coming to see him.
This added to Santa’s anxiety.
When he went to catch the reindeer, he discovered that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were somewhere in the wilderness.
More anxiety.
When he started loading the sleigh, one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground, scattering the toys.
Santa, frustrated, went inside for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
He went to the cupboard and discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, so there was nothing to drink.
In his rage, he dropped the cider pot, which broke into hundreds of small pieces all over the kitchen floor.
When he went to get the broom, he discovered that mice had eaten the straw end.
The doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa trudged to the door.
When he opened the door, there was a small angel holding a large Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa! Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Why was Santa upset when he got a sweater for Christmas?
Because he was really hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

Wanna see the North Pole?
That’s what Mrs. Claus calls it.

Why did Santa send his daughter to college?
To keep her off the North Pole.

Recommended: Elf Jokes

What’s the difference between a Christmas tree and Santa?
A Christmas tree will stay up for 12 nights, has cute balls, and looks good with the lights on.

What happened when Mr. and Mrs. Claus got randy beneath the Christmas tree?
She came down with tinselitis!

On the previous night before Christmas, the kid couldn’t sleep so she went downstairs. She saw mummy kissing a strange man. So she ran upstairs to tell daddy but he wasn’t in his bedroom. She went back to bed crying.
In the morning, mummy woke her up by saying, “Merry Christmas” but the kid ran straight to daddy. She said, “Last night mummy was kissing Santa Claus.”
The mom looked really embarrassed but daddy just laughed at her.

What did Santa give to the orphan?
Expired coupons for new parents.

Why does Santa go to strip clubs?
To visit all his ho ho ho’s.

What did the naughty soccer announcer get from Santa Claus?

One day at the north pole Santa walking to the toy shop and in the snow next to the sidewalk was written Merry Christmas Santa in urine. This troubled Santa so he gathered his top elves to solve the mystery.
An hour later came back and told Santa that they had good news and bad news. The good news is that the urine was Jack Frost’s and the bad news is the message is in Mrs. Clause’s handwriting.

Why is Santa ain’t black?
Because he won’t be visible at night.

Recommended: Grinch Jokes

What’s the difference between Santa Claus and the Jews?
Santa goes down the chimney.

Why don’t Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they make the toys.

How is a pedophile’s love life similar to Santa’s?
It exists thanks to gullible six year olds.

While dirty Santa jokes can be funny, they can also be offensive and hurtful. Although most are in the best of minds during Christmas but many people find these naughty puns crass and inappropriate, and they can even contribute to harmful stereotypes and prejudice. For this reason, it is important to be mindful of who you are telling dirty jokes to and to be prepared for a negative reaction. Apart from the list above, have you heard any dirtier Santa Claus jokes? You can leave your own naughty puns and one-liners in the comments section below. Go on!

What do you think?

Written by Jessica Amlee

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Known for her sharp wit and clever wordplay, Jessica has authored several popular joke books. A regular at stand-up comedy clubs, she never fails to leave her audience in stitches. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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