60 Funny Abortion Jokes That Are Funny AF (no Kidding)

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Jessica Amlee


Abortion is a topic that is often surrounded by controversy and strong emotions. But what if we told you that humor can be used as a powerful tool to address this sensitive issue? Abortion jokes, when crafted thoughtfully and skillfully, have the ability to break down taboos, challenge societal norms, and even create space for open and honest dialogue.

While some may argue that joking about such a serious matter is insensitive or inappropriate, others believe that humor can be a means of coping and finding common ground, regardless of one’s stance on the issue. So join us as we explore the world of abortion jokes, and discover how they can offer a unique and playful perspective on an often-heavy debate.

Dark Abortion Jokes

Why can’t you fool an aborted baby?
Because it wasn’t born yesterday.

Do you know that abortion isn’t murder?
It’s just canceling your pre-order.

What is the best name for an abortion clinic?
Don’t Kid Yourself.

Yo mama so hunchbacked, she does her abortions with her teeth.

What is the only way to abort kids in the US?
Wait for them to go to school and get gunned down.

What do you call a girl who has had 10 abortions?
She’s a graveyard.

Why abortions are so fun for women?
It really brings out the kid in them!

What’s worse than locking your keys in your car outside of an abortion clinic?
Having to go in and ask for a coathanger.

Where is the abort button on a pregnant woman?
The belly button if you hit it hard enough.

Daughter: Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?
Father: Ask your sister.
Daughter: I don’t have a si….!

What’s the difference between an American and a computer?
A computer has troubleshooting. Also, it can abort.

Why the easiest abortion a surgeon performs is on a stripper?
It’s like taking a baby from Candy.

Yo mama so fat, she just roll over to get an abortion in a neighboring state.

A congressional aide asks a politician, “What are we going to do about the new abortion bill?” The politician replied, “Shhhhh, just pay it.”

What do an eraser company and an abortion clinic have in common?
They both make money from your mistakes.

What is abortion in Spanish?
“Adios Embryos.”

What brand of vacuum does the abortion clinic use?

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What do you call a cow that gets an abortion?

What do they call the vacuum at the abortion clinic?

What do they call aborted fetuses in Prague?
Cancelled Czechs.

Why should Abortion clinics be banned?
Those doctors demonstrate a complete lack of humanity. Spawn killing is a filthy tactic.

What do you call a failed abortion?
Survival of the fetus.

What’s the best thing about abortion jokes?
They never get old.

A girl walks into a “no questions asked” abortion clinic.
The nurse says, “How can I help you?”
The girl says, “LYING BASTARDS!” and leaves.

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What do they call an abortion in Hogwarts?
Fetus, deletus.

What do you call the winner of the beauty pageant for teenagers who’ve had an abortion?
Little miss conception.

What did one twin say to the other after surviving a failed abortion?
“They will never de-fetus.”

What do you call a gamer who works at an abortion clinic?
Spawn camper.

Why are Catholics so anti-abortion?
So they have a good supply of young children in their foster homes for the priests.

What’s the best thing about being an abortion doctor?
You don’t have to buy dog food.

Do you know that Religious people get mad about abortions because they think it’s killing babies?
They must’ve forgotten what Passover was about.

Why should you never eat out a woman who had an abortion?
That shit is haunted.

How is a vampire similar to an abortion clinic?
They both suck the life out of you.

What did the army of starving cannibals say when they walked into an abortion clinic in Mexico?
“Feed us fetus fajitas!”

Why is Alabama against abortion?
What happens to a family, stays in the family.

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What do you call a decision to not get an abortion?
A de-termination.

What did the baby that got aborted in 4.5 months say to its mother?
You had me in the first half.

What do you call a body building teenager who is against abortion?
100% protein.

What has 12 legs, 3 hearts, and 5 heads?
The back of an abortion clinic.

What’s the easiest way for a woman in Texas to legally get an abortion?
Trespass on someone’s property.

What do you call the dumpster of an abortion clinic?
Fetus fight club.

How are a man’s penis and a man’s opinion on abortion similar?
Most women will welcome them, but not when you try to shove it down their throat.

Did you know that Arnold Schwarzenegger has opened an abortion clinic?
He called it ‘The Sperminator.’ The motto? “Hasta la vista, baby!”

What’s pink and red, and climbs up women’s legs?
A homesick abortion.

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What if Mary had aborted Jesus?
Then he would have reappeared in her womb three days later?

Do you know that with the right delivery, any joke can be funny except abortion jokes?
Because there is no delivery.

What kind of person do you see leaving an abortion clinic?
It may seem obvious, but it’s not apparent.

What do you call two abortions in a bucket?
Blood brothers.

What’s the best way for a woman to lose weight?
An abortion.

Where did the cactus go for an abortion?
Plant Parenthood.

What do you call an aborted Italian?
A boneless pizza.

What do you call a toddler at an abortion clinic?
A ghost.

What do spiders and abortions have in common?
You take a paper towel and throw it out the window.

What do you call a gay abortion?
A wet fart.

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What do you say when a computer teacher has an abortion?

What’s a very late abortion called?
A shotgun of course.

Do you have a dark abortion joke? Post your own abortion puns in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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