Circumcision jokes often tiptoe around a delicate topic, bringing humor to an age-old ritual that carries significant religious and cultural significance for many. With their punchy one-liners and subtle wordplay, these jokes can alleviate tension and spark laughter, providing comic relief in an often serious conversation.
However, it’s important to remember the fine line between humor and disrespect. These jokes, while funny for some, can also inadvertently offend or alienate others who hold different views on the subject. Always approach such humor with a spirit of understanding and respect for the diverse perspectives of your audience.
Best Circumcision Jokes
Did you hear about the young man who wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because he was circumcised?
Apparently, you need to be a complete dick.
Have you heard of a knight who is as tiny as a sperm?
He is sir cum sized!
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
How do you circumcise a redneck?
You kick his sister in the jaw.
Why do Jews get circumcised?
Because Jewish women refuse to touch anything that isn’t at least 10% of.
Did you hear about the neighbor who took a job circumcising elephants at the zoo?
The money’s not great but the tips are huge.
Man: What’s the oldest you can be to get a circumcision?
Doctor: Why do you need it?
Man: I just want to know the cutoff date.
Did you hear about the blind circumciser?
He got the sack.
How much do people who perform circumcisions get paid?
$50/h plus tips.
What do you call an accidental circumcision?
A wife said to her husband that she wants to see a new documentary called ‘American Circumcision.’
She addes, “It’s 1 hour and 40 minutes long.”
The husband replied, “An hour and forty minutes? Is that the uncut version?”
What does it take to circumcise a whale?
Four skin divers.
What do they call circumcision in Asian cultures?
A surgeon retires from his long career as a specialist in circumcision.
Throughout his career, he has saved hundreds of foreskins as mementos and now wishes to turn them into a souvenir.
He takes his specimens to a leather smith and asks him to make something out of them.
A week later the surgeon returns and the leathersmith presents him with a wallet.
“All those foreskins and you only made me a wallet?” exclaims the surgeon.
The leather smith replies, “Yes, but if you stroke it, it becomes a briefcase.”
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How do French people do circumcision?
Why do F1 teams prefer circumcised drivers?
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins, “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.
“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
What do you call a brief article on circumcision?
Why did the family go to the lakeside fondue restaurant right after their son’s circumcision?
Why are step brothers like a reverse circumcision?
Because they’re new forced kin.
A powerful Emperor advertised for a new Chief Samurai. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese, and a Jewish Samurai,
Number One Samurai, “Demonstrate your skills!” commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and “swish”; the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!
“What a feat!” said the Emperor. “Number Two Samurai, show me what you can do.”
The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward, and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and “swish, swish”; the fly fell to the floor, neatly quartered!
“That is skill!” nodded the Emperor. “How are you going to top that, Number Three Samurai?” Number Three Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, release one fly, drew his Samurai sword, and “swoooooosh” flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around!
In disappointment, the Emperor said, “What kind of skill is that? The fly isn’t even dead.”
“Dead, schmed,” replied the Jewish Samurai. “Dead is easy. What takes REAL skill is circumcision.”
Why should you contact a surgeon specializing in circumcision if you are ever looking for some advice?
They have plenty of tips.
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How many divers does it take to circumcise a blue whale?
Four skin divers.
What do you call a circumcised wizard?
Nearly Headless Dick.
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”
The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze!”
The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”
The first kid says, “A circumcision.”
And the second kid says, “Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn’t walk for a year!”
Do you know what a German doctor shouts after a circumcision?
Why did the sharpshooter refuse to be circumcised?
He didn’t want to go off half c*cked.
What’s the difference between getting divorced and getting circumcised?
When you get divorced, you get rid of the entire prick.
Fred goes to a doctor.
He says, “Doc, I want to be castrated. “
Doc says, “Look, I don’t know what kind of cult you’re into or what your motives are, but I’m not going to do that sort of operation. “
Fred says, “Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I’m a little embarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here. Will you do it? “
The doctor says, “Well, OK, I guess I could make this one exception. I don’t understand it, but OK.”
He puts Fred to sleep, does the trick, and is waiting at the bedside when Fred wakes up.
“Well, Doc, how’d it go? ” Fred asks.
“It went fine, just fine. It’s really not too difficult of an operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task, and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went ahead and did that, too. I think it’s really better for a man to be circumcised, and I hope you don’t mind my… “
“CIRCUMCISED! ” yells Fred. “THAT’S the word!”
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What’s the difference between a crucifixion and a circumcision?
In a crucifixion, you throw away the whole Jew.
What do you say when someone who lost consciousness during his circumcision has died?
You could say he didn’t make the cut.
A woman had just given birth to a baby boy.
The doctor was holding him and told the parent, “I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids.”
The mother replies,” That’s terrible. What are we going to do?”
The doctor says, “I’ve seen this before, don’t worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids.”
The father says,” Won’t that make him c*ck-eyed.”
The doctor replies,” No if anything it will give him foresight.”
What did the shaky-handed priest say during the circumcision?
“Off with their head!”
How is circumcision like the Great Jedi Purge?
They both get rid of the force kin.
Three men arrive simultaneously at the Pearly Gates.
They are greeted by St. Peter, who tells them, “Welcome! Before you can enter heaven, you must be circumcised, and I can see that none of you are. The standard procedure these days is that we remove your foreskin using whatever method your father used to make a living.” To the first guy, he says, “Your father was a surgeon.” And his foreskin is quickly and expertly cut, barely bleeding.”
To the second guy, he says, “Your father was a butcher,” and his member was placed on a block and the foreskin was chopped off. A somewhat messier and more painful procedure than the first, but over quickly.
Before St. Peter approaches the third guy, he motions to the gate, and out comes the most beautiful woman in heaven. “Ah, yes,” says the third guy. “Dear old dad made lollipops for a living.”
Why can’t you circumcise Vladimir Putin?
There’s no end to that prick.
What does a mathematician call a circumcision?
A man went to the market to get his wristwatch repaired.
He saw a shop with a lot of clocks, so he asked the shopkeeper to repair his wristwatch.
The shopkeeper said, “Sir, we do not repair watches.”
The man asked him, “What do you do then?”
The shopkeeper replied, “We do circumcisions.”
The man asked him, “Then why have you hung so many clocks in your shop? It gives people a wrong idea about your shop.”
He replied with a defeated tone, “Then sir, please suggest to me what should I hang at my shop?”
What does a barber call a circumcision?
Taking a little of the top.
How did Captain Hook get circumcised?
He masturbated with the wrong hand!
Several churches were having problems with squirrels damaging their buildings.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.
At the Baptist church, the deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week, and soon ended up destroying the church.
But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now the squirrels are only seen at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.
How did the circumcised cops catch the criminal?
They got a tip off.
What do you call a thief that performs circumcisions?
How is a good sale like a bad circumcision?
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A husband and his wife are arguing over whether or not they should circumcise their son.
The husband says,” We should circumcise him so that he is clean and pure in the eyes of God.” The wife replies, “We should give him a choice. After all, it is his body, not ours.”
The argument continued until the son overheard and wondered what they were fighting about. His parents told him what they were fighting about and asked what his decision will be. The son replied, “Well if it’s going to be irreversible, I wanna see what it’s going to look like when I get older before I decide.”
After saying this, the parents reluctantly agree to show him what it’s going to look like. So the husband whips out his circumcised c*ck and the wife reveals her uncircumcised c*ck.
How do you circumcise a priest?
Kick the alter boy in the jaw.
What do you do after a circumcision?
You leave a tip.
Do you have another Circumcision joke? Put down your puns about Circumcision in the comment section below!