45 Funny Vasectomy Jokes That Make the Cut Less Scary

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Jessica Amlee


Vasectomy, the word itself might make some guys cross their legs a little tighter, but it’s essentially a snip-snip procedure that turns a man into a non-reloading shooter in the baby-making department. It’s like cutting the cord on your premium cable package – you still have the TV, but the new episode deliveries are canceled. This little operation is a popular choice for men who’ve decided their family tree has enough branches. It’s quick, usually painless (except for the jokes that come after), and has a success rate that would make a Las Vegas casino jealous. The procedure might be a small cut, but it’s a giant leap into the ‘no more babies’ zone. This sets the stage perfectly for a genre of humor that’s growing faster than a teenager’s mustache.

Vasectomy Jokes is where the punchlines are as sterile as the procedure. These jokes have gained quite a ‘following’, much like a dad with a GPS lost in a new city. They’re the kind of jokes that don’t just tickle your funny bone, they give it a good, pain-free surgery. The humor here isn’t just low-hanging fruit; it’s been carefully snipped with precision. If laughter is the best medicine, then Funny Vasectomy Jokes are the laughing gas of the comedy world. They’re a testament to the fact that even when things get a little cut off, the humor certainly doesn’t.

Best Vasectomy Jokes

Did you hear about the man who had a vasectomy because he didn’t want to have kids?
But when he came back home, they were still there.

John thought a vasectomy wouldn’t get his wife pregnant.
Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.

What does a man who’s have a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?
Decorative balls.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Alpaca who?)
Alpaca the ice, you just got snipped and need to take it easy for a while!

Did you hear about the wife who made her husband promise to stop making stupid jokes?
So he got a vasectomy.

Wife: You got a vasectomy without even telling me. Are you serious?
Husband: I am not kidding you.

Do you know that the vasectomy procedure was pioneered by the Greek physician, Euclipides?
His original instructions were as follows: “Euclipides nuts.”

What does a king call a vasectomy?
An heir cut.

What do you call a cheap vasectomy?
A bloody ripoff.

Did you hear about the surgeon who botched a vasectomy?
He got the sack.

A doctor accidentally emailed the results of all his vasectomy patients to everyone on the internet.
They were publicly desemenated.

A man went to the doctor to get a vasectomy.
The doctor said, “This a really big decision you know. Have you discussed it with your wife and kids?”
He said, “Yes, they’re in favor 14 to 3..”

What did the balls yell at the p*nis after the vasectomy?
“You’re nutting without me!”

Recommended: P*nis Jokes

Did you hear about the wife who wants to prove she’s brave enough to get a vasectomy?
He husband told her that she doesn’t have the balls to do it.

What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
A dry martinez.

What is the title for a movie about a man who is going to get his vasectomy reversed?
Scrotal Recall!

How does a guy prove he’s tough?
He jogs home after his vasectomy.

Derren’s lesbian neighbors Eva and Julia asked him to help them conceive a child recently.
They said they wouldn’t mind if they did it the “old fashioned way” as they weren’t man haters!
For six months now they’ve been trying but Derren just doesn’t have the heart to tell them that he had a vasectomy last year.

Why did the old black man wear a tuxedo to his vasectomy?
“Cause if I gonna be impotent, I better look impotent, too.”

What do vasectomies and breathalyzers have in common?
The goal is to blow a zero.

What do you call it when Arnold Schwarzenegger gets his vasectomy reversed?
Scrotal re-ball.

Why was the topologist confident about performing a vasectomy?
Because open balls are in his neighborhood.

How does sex change for a man before and after a vasectomy?
You won’t notice a vas deferens.

A redneck couple had had enough after the birth of their ninth child since they couldn’t afford a larger bed. The husband went to the veterinarian and requested that his dog be snipped. “Me’n my cousin don’t want no more kids.”
The vet told him he could get a vasectomy, but it was expensive. “There is a cheaper option,” said the vet. “Go home, find yourself a cherry bomb, light it up, and put it in a Coors Lite can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.”
“I ain’t no rocket surgeon,” said the redneck, “but how’s that gonna help me?”
“Trust me,” said the vet.
So the redneck went home, drained a beer then stuffed a lit cherry bomb in the empty can. He brought it up to his ear and began to count:
“1… 2… 3… 4… 5…”
Once he got to five, he stopped for a second, put the can between his legs, and resumed the count on his other hand.

Recommended: Redneck Jokes

What do you call a discount on circumcision and vasectomy at the same time?
A package deal.

What do you call the testicles of a man who’s had a vasectomy?
Seedless grapes.

What kind of street does a vasectomy urologist live on?
A cul-de-sac.

Two women are discussing their love lives.
Jo says, “I have to be careful not to get pregnant.”
Jenny looks confused, “But I thought Tony recently had a vasectomy.”
“He did,” says Jo. “That’s why I need to be extra careful.”

What do you call a trombone player who’s had a vasectomy?
A eunuchorn!

What state is a man in after their vasectomy?

What do you call when a man from a royal family gets a vasectomy?
Nobles (No balls).

An artist’s wife starts having sex with him daily.
While a bit unusual, he didn’t question it and just enjoyed the ride. One day, his wife approached him.
“Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?”
“Of course!” he replied. “What would you like me to draw?”
“What do you think our baby will look like.”
He stared back at her, eyes wide. Then, sighing heavily, he grabbed a pencil and pad, quickly sketched out a picture, and pushed it toward her.
“What the hell is this?” she laughed, surveying the page. It was just a stick figure firing a gun at another stick figure, smiling, with no visible wounds.
“I asked you to imagine what our baby would look like!” she repeated.
“And I got a vasectomy five years ago,” he said. “So I drew a blank.”

Recommended: Condom Jokes

What do Alex Baldwin and a failed vasectomy have in common?
They aren’t firing blanks.

What do you call sex after a vasectomy?

A man is admitted to the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the treatment, an exceptionally attractive nurse enters and takes his vitals before instructing him to remove all of his clothes. The man goes almost insane with lust for this gorgeous specimen, in her tight white starched uniform, with her come-hither smile, her cleavage bursting free, her perfect legs soaring to the Gates of Paradise… WOW!
She tells him to lie down on the table after he is fully undressed. The man does what he is told. The nurse then strips naked, climbs to the top, and has her way with him.
After the act, the man gathers his breath and wonders what all the fuss was about. The nurse advises the patient that studies have shown that if the guy experiences an ej*culation before a vasectomy, he will be more relaxed and the cord will be easier for the surgeon to detect and cut, making the surgery safer, more efficient, and faster.
The patient is then wheeled to the operating room by the nurse. When walking down the corridor, the patient peers through a window to the right and sees six men masturbating violently in a room.
Curious, the man asks, “What are they doing in there?”
The nurse says, “They’re preparing for vasectomies too, but you have got better insurance.”

What discount does the doctor give you if you schedule your vasectomy for October 31st?
The “Hollow-weenie” discount!

Did you hear about the new vasectomy doctor in town?
His name is Howie snippem. Specialist in Circumcisions. He works for tips.

Pedro walks into the doctor’s clinic looking very despondent.
Doctor: What’re you here for?
Pedro: The vasectomy camp.
Doctor: Oh ok. How many kids do you have?
Pedro: None. I am not even married !!
Doctor (shocked): Then why do you want a vasectomy?
Pedro: Every man in the village got it done over the last few years. Now whenever their wives conceive, they come and beat me up!!!

Are you worried about the vasectomy affecting your sexual performance?
Your wife told me it can’t get any worse.

What do you call a urologist who performs vasectomies?
A scrotal artist!

Recommended: Erectile Dysfunction Jokes

A man arrives at the hospital for a vasectomy, anticipating years of unrestricted sex. Sadly, the medical student assigned to do the procedure castrated him instead, distracted by thoughts of the meeting he had scheduled later that day with the helping nurse.
When the guy comes to, he is confronted by a troop of doctors assembled to break the terrible news.
“Oh, nooo!” he wails, in a voice rather higher than before. “I will never experience another erection!”
“Nonsense,” says the chief surgeon. “You will experience many, many more erections. They just won’t be yours!”

Did you hear about the new funny vasectomy doctor in town?
His name is Howie Snippet- if you’re done having babies, he’ll fix it!

How do you describe a man who had a successful vasectomy?
A cut above the rest!

Do you have another funny Vasectomy joke? Post your own Vasectomy puns in the comment section below.

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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