40 Funny Jeffrey Epstein Jokes for Those Who Are Twisted Enough

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Jessica Amlee

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Jeffrey Epstein was a financier and convicted sex offender who became a significant figure in numerous high-profile controversies. Born in 1953 in Brooklyn, New York, Epstein started his career at the investment bank Bear Stearns before establishing his own firm, J. Epstein & Co. Throughout his life, Epstein formed connections with various influential figures globally. His legal troubles began in the 2000s, culminating in his arrest in 2019 on federal charges of sex trafficking of minors. Epstein’s case drew significant media attention due to his connections and the gravity of the charges. He died in his jail cell in August 2019, an event that has spurred various theories and discussions about the circumstances of his death.

Imagine a man who died in a jail cell, had broken cameras, guards asleep, said he did not want to kill himself. The guy surely had dirt on the damn royal family, politicians, ultra-rich and ultra-powerful people. Naturally, the Internet has loads of jokes on it.

Best Jeffrey Epstein Jokes

Weren’t you surprised that Jeffrey Epstein committed suicide on August 10, 2019?
Imagine how surprised he must have been.

Why did Jeffrey Epstein’s English teacher fail him?
Because he never finished his sentences.

What do Jeffrey Epstein and Halloween decorations have in common?
They don’t hang themselves.

True love is finishing each other’s sentences.
Ghislaine Maxwell must’ve really loved Jeffrey Epstein.

With all the pictures of Epstein attending parties, talking to important people, and generally socializing,
It’s obvious he didn’t like to hang by himself.

Did you hear that they’ve just found Jeffery Epstein’s diary?
His last entry was about twelve years old.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Norway who?)
Norway in hell Epstein killed himself!

Jeffrey Epstein was in prison.
One of the inmates asked him, “What are you in for?”
Epstein replied, “Nothing much, just a minor problem!”

As Epstein swayed back and forth, coming to grips with the inevitable, he reached out to give the guard one final high five,
But he just left him hanging.

Bill Cosby walks out of prison and gets on a bus, and rides it to a long rock wall. Next to a big oak, he finds a letter.
He follows it to Mexico, where he finds Jeffrey Epstein working on his boat.

Recommended: Funny Bill Cosby Jokes

What were Jeffrey Epstein’s last words?
“But I don’t want to commit suicide!”

What do you call reports that Jeffrey Epstein didn’t actually hang himself but instead was murdered?
Fake noose.

The officers on Epstein’s Suicide Watch did their jobs.
They watched the whole thing.

Did you hear that Bill Clinton got on Jeffrey Epstein’s plane 25 times?
And got off 50 times.

Jeffrey Epstein walks into the jail.
Epstein: I’m afraid I don’t know how things work here in prison.
Prison guard: Don’t worry, you’ll get the hang of it.

Why did Jeffrey Epstein kill himself?
Because he had low self Epstein.

Bernie Sanders, Bill Clinton, and Jeffrey Epstein walk into a bar
Hillary Clinton: This is the worst game of fuck, marry, kill I’ve ever played.”

What did the prison guard say when Epstein cried for help?
“I’ll be right there, just hang on for a minute.”

A guy goes into a bar in California where there is a robot bartender.
The robot asks, “What will you have?” The guy replies, “Whisky.” The robot brings back his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ? The guy says, “168.” The robot continues to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology.
After the guy leaves the more he thinks about it, the more curious he gets, so he decides to go back. The robot asks, “What’s your drink?” The guy answers, “Whisky.” The robot returns with his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?” The man replies,“100.” The robot talks about Nascar, Budweiser, Rams, and USC. The man finishes his drink, leaves, but is so interested in his “experiment” that he decides to try again.
He enters the bar and, as usual, the robot asks him what he wants to drink. The man replies, “Whisky.” The robot brings the drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?” The man answers, “35”. The robot leans in real close and asks, “So . . . How about that Epstein guy killing himself?”

A pedophile, a billionaire, and a jew walk into a bar.
“What will you have Mr Epstein?”

Recommended: Funny Pedo Jokes

People say that Democrats and Republicans can’t work together to get anything done.
But Jeffrey Epstein is dead.

Jeffrey Epstein, Prince Andrew, and the Dalai Lama walk into a bar.
Bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve underage here.”

Jeffrey Epstein may be going to Hell.
But he still got his 72 virgins.

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world.
After her talk she offers to answer questions from the kids.
One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.
“Kenny,” he says.
“And what is your question, Kenny?” she asks.
“I have four questions,” he says. “First — what happened in Benghazi? Second — why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? Third — what happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State? Fourth — who killed Jeffrey Epstein?”
Just then the bell rings for recess.
Hillary tells the students that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says,
“Okay, where were we? Oh, that’s right, question time. Who has a question?”
A different boy, little Johnny puts his hand up.
Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is.
“Johnny,” he says.
“What is your question, Johnny?” she asks.
“I have six questions,” he says. “First — what happened in Benghazi? Second — why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? Third — whatever happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State? “Fourth — who killed Jeffrey Epstein? Fifth — why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And, sixth — where’s Kenny?”

Why is Jeffrey Epstein bad at races?
He always comes in a little behind.

How many guards does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to disable the cameras, and one to strangle Epstein.

Jeffery Epstein likes his video games like he likes his suicides,

What’s the difference between Hitler and Epstein?
Hitler killed himself.

Recommended: Hitler Jokes

What do Jeffrey Epstein’s testicles look like?
Silly question, even a child knows that.

What’s the difference between Jeffrey Epstein and a Whiskey Connoisseur?
Only one thinks it gets better with age.

The best part of being rich and famous is someone else does your dirty laundry.
They hang all your Versace, Armani, Epstein and Gucci, no questions asked.

Jeffrey Epstein went to hell after his death and met the devil who told him what his punishment was going to be.
“You see these people lined up with boxing gloves? You will be made to spread your legs so that they can hit you below the belt. I am surprised many have volunteered. You must have sinned a lot!”
“Is this a joke?”
“Yep, and that’s the punch line!”

Jeffery Epstein once visited the Virgin Islands.
They are now called the Islands.

What’s the difference between Kobe Bryant and Jeffrey Epstein?
Only two 13-year-olds went down on Kobe’s chopper.

The Make-A-Wish foundation provides hundreds of free flights for kids each year and they are called heroes.
But when Jeffery Epstein does it, he gets murdered and called a monster.

What’s worse than George Bush doing 9/11?
Jeffrey Epstein doing nine Elevens.

Recommended: Funny Nine Eleven Jokes

Why did Epstein’s piano break?
He kept banging a minor.

Where was the evidence found that led to the arrest of Jeffrey Epstein?
In a PDF File.

Where did Jeffrey Epstein go to college?
Brigham Young.

What’s the difference between Jeffery Epstein and Santa Claus?
Santa stops at the third ho.

Do you have a funny Jeffrey Epstein joke? Write down your own jokes in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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