80 Funny Condom Jokes And Puns That Are Totally Popping

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Jessica Amlee

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There’s something undeniably amusing about condom jokes, as they poke fun at a topic that’s often approached with a sense of taboo or seriousness. With humor as our guide, we can navigate conversations about safe sex and contraception in a more lighthearted manner.

These jokes not only entertain us, but they can also help break the ice when discussing important topics, like the role of condoms in promoting sexual health and responsibility. So let’s dive into a collection of hilarious condom quips, puns, and anecdotes that’ll have you chuckling all the way to the bedroom – or the nearest pharmacy!

Best Condom Jokes

Did you know that the condom was invented by the Turks?
They used the intestines of sheep around their penis in the act.
And did you know that years later, the Brits were the ones who improved the condom by removing the sheep?!

If you really think about it condoms are just sonblock.

Cashier: (scans condoms) Do you need a bag, sir?
Man: Jesus, she’s not that ugly!

Do you know that “Trojan” isn’t really a good name for a condom?
After all, the real Trojan horse burst and loads of little guys came pouring out of it!

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
(Dewey who?)
Dewey have to wear the condom?!

How are condoms and poop bags alike?
If either one breaks at the wrong time, you could have a little shit on your hands.

Yo mama so ugly that her birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom company.

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
Ones a Goodyear. The other is a great year.

Husband: What are the broken condoms doing on the couch?!
Wife: Our children have names, Harold!

Son: Dad, what are condoms for?
Father: Usually to avoid answering questions like these.

Why did the condom fly across the room?
Cause it was pissed off.

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
May I come in?
(May I come in who?)
Not till we have a serious discussion about condoms.

Do you know why China has the largest population?
Not because the men are extra horny or the women are extra fertile. But their condoms are “Made in China.” And in recent times, these condoms are exported to India.

How is Kodak like a condom?
They both capture the moment.

Yo mama so dumb, she put a condom on the door knob because somebody said the house needed protection.

What’s more embarrassing than going to the store to buy condoms?
Going back to return them.

What is one catchphrase that a condom manufacturing company should never use?
“Tried and Tested!”

A girl is talking to her guy friend, “I found condoms in my boyfriend’s jacket. We don’t use condoms and when I confronted him, he told me he uses them to m*sturbate. Do you ever do that?”
“Sure”, her guy friend replies.
“Really? You m*sturbate into condoms?!”
“Oh”, he responded, “No. I thought you meant ‘do I lie to my girlfriend’!”

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How does a condom fit a man with five penises?
Like a glove.

What separates bad jokes from dad jokes?

When does 1+1=3?
When you don’t use a condom.

Did you know condoms have serial numbers?
Oh, guess you’ve never rolled one down far enough.

What’s the difference between a submarine and a used condom?
Nothing. They’re both full of dirty se(a)men.

When Timmy was young, his father emphasized daily how important it was to wear a condom if he ever had sex.
He said, “Any person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone else.”

Man: Although my girlfriend is pregnant, I always wear a condom. What caused this to happen?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story about a hunter who carried his gun everywhere he went. He walked out one day, by mistake, with his umbrella. A lion attacked him, and in an attempt to scare it away, he pointed the umbrella at it like a rifle and cried “Bang,” and the animal died.
Man: That’s impossible, someone else must have shot it.
Doctor: Congratulations, you understood the story.

Do you know that condoms do not guarantee safe sex?
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was stabbed by the woman’s husband.

Don’t you know that women are like condoms?
They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Yo mama so nasty when she was pregnant with you, your placenta was a used condom.

What kind of condoms do frogs use?

What do you call a man with a condom over his nose?
F*ck knows.

A beer bottle, a mirror, and a condom are all talking to each other.
Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin’ me? You break me, then y’all get 7 years of bad luck!
Condom: Hahaha… (Condom walks off laughing).

Two condoms walk past a gay bar.
One asks the other, “Hey, wanna go inside and get shit-faced?”

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Why do gay men prefer ribbed condoms?
Better traction in the mud.

What crime did the cheap condom commit?
Breaking and entering.

Yo mama so bald, when she puts on a turtle neck she looks like a busted condom.

Do you know that condoms are available in three sizes?
Small, medium, and liar.

Have you heard of the new camouflage condoms?
Now they’ll never see you cumming!

A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year-old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex.”
“Oh I see,” replied the boy pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”
The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”
“Cool,” says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men,” the dad answers, “two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses these?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies.
“Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March…”

What did the dick say to the condom?
“Cover me, I’m going in.”

Why is the condom business the least successful?
They are killing their future customers.

What’s the difference between a condom and a balloon?
It’s ok to poke holes in the condom.

How do you recycle a condom?
Turn it inside out and shake the f#ck out of it.

What do you call a condom that’s 100% effective?

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A beautiful blonde woman approaches a pharmacist and asks, “Do you have extra large condoms?”
The pharmacist replies, “Yes, aisle 11.”
The blonde goes to the aisle. But about 30 minutes later she is still looking at the condoms. The pharmacist calls over to her, “Do you need some help?”
The woman replies, “No, I’m just waiting for somebody to buy some.”

What do condoms and lawyers have in common?
They give you a false sense of security while you’re being screwed.

Did you hear about the guy who put his condom on backwards?
He went.

What kind of condoms does Mr. Spock use?
Vulcanized rubbers.

Want do you call a group of people singing about condoms?
A Rubber Band.

Husband: Honey, I just bought these special Olympic-style condoms!
Wife: Olympic-style condoms, what makes them so special?
Husband: They come in 3 colors, Gold, Silver, and Bronze.
Wife: Oo, sweet. What color are you gonna wear tonight?
Husband: Gold, of course!
Wife: Why don’t you wear silver, It would be nice If you came second for a change.

A man started a company where he made condoms and coffins
He’s got you covered whether you are cuming or going.

What do you call a scary dinosaur with a condom pulled over its head?
A Du-Rex!

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What did the condom say to the guy weightlifting?
Practice safe sets.

What do you call a condom that a duck wears?
A rubber f*cky.

A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe.
They had each stolen their daughters’ purses to see what their girls did in their free time.
The redhead mom opens her daughter’s purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!”
The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding up a half-smoked joint. “Lindsay smokes pot?! How could she?!”
The blonde mom rifles through her daughter’s purse next and pulls out an empty condom wrapper. The other moms stare at her for a few moments before she puts her hand over her mouth. “Holy shit… Cindy has a dick.”

Why do aliens wear condoms?
They don’t want to get ayyds.

Why don’t Japanese guys wear condoms?
Because they’re ramen.

What do a condom and a face mask have in common?
They’re both reusable.

What did Gordon Ramsey say to his pet donkey after it sodomized him without wearing condom?
“That’s raw! You f*cking donkey.”

Jane and Arlene are enjoying a drink and a cigarette outside their nursing home when it begins to rain. Jane takes out a condom, rips the end off, wraps it around her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, and brand of condom she prefers.
“Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel,” she replied.

What condom is an artistic masterpiece?
A Magnum opus.

What happens when a couple forgets to use a condom?
They create a minor mistake.

What does Spider-Man’s winter-wear have in common with a condom?
They’re both a Peter Parka.

What is the difference between a cricket player and a condom?
One drops a catch and other catches the drop.

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A sex-ed teacher walks into class with a banana and says, “Today, I will demonstrate how to use a condom.”
After he starts eating the banana, a student asks, “I thought you were going to show us how to use a condom?”
“I’m about to,” says the teacher, “but I can’t get hard on an empty stomach.”

Why do limes wear condoms?
So they don’t get LemonAIDS.

What did the man say after having sex using a condom?
“I came prepared.”

What did the used condom say to the new one?
“I feel full of life!”

What’s worse than finding a hole in your condom?
Finding a condom in your hole.

A little girl asks her mother, “Mommy, how was I born?”
Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied, “Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months, it turned into a beautiful healthy plant.
So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high that we f*cked without a condom.”

Why did the blonde put condoms on her ears?
She didn’t want to get hearing AIDS!

Do you know that life is like a packet of condoms?
We all get used.

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What’s the hardest thing about putting a condom on?
The penis.

How are condoms and insurance the same?
You think your covered, but 9 months later, they come looking for money.

A lady had lost her husband about four years before. Her daughter was continually urging her to re-enter the dating scene. Finally, she said that she would go out but didn’t know anyone. “Mom, I have someone for you to meet!” said her daughter right away.
It was an instant hit.
They hit it off, and after six weeks of dating, he invited her to join him for a weekend in Spain.
On their first night together, she undressed alongside him.
He was in his birthday suit, she was naked save for a pair of black underwear.
“Why the black panties?” he inquired, inspecting her.
She replied, “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.”
He knew he wasn’t going to strike it rich that night.
The next night was the same; she stood there in her black panties, and he was still in his birthday suit, but this time he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked, “What’s with the black condom?”
He replied, “I want to offer my deepest condolences.”

Do you know that wearing a condom can reduce short-term pleasure?
But not wearing one can reduce long-term pleasure.

There are 71 ways to avoid pregnancy
The pill, condoms, and 69.

How do you put a condom on an elephant?
You take the k from key and the f in weigh.

Two kindergarten girls were talking outside. One said, “You won’t believe what I saw on the patio yesterday–a condom!”
The second girl asked, “What’s a ‘patio’?”

Why did the condom cross the road?
It was pissed off!

What do gay guys’ condoms and toys from the dollar store have in common?
They all break in the end.

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A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. The girl behind the counter asks, “What size?”
He says, “I don’t know.”
She holds up a finger and says, “That big?”
He says, “Bigger.”
She holds up three fingers and says, “That big?”
He says, “Smaller?!”
She holds up two fingers and he says, “That’s it.”
She puts the two fingers in her mouth and says, “Medium.”

What is a condom’s job?
To get in and out!

How does a gay man take out a condom?
By farting.

Why should you wear a condom when having phone sex?
So you don’t get hearing aids!

Do you have another condom joke? Post your condom puns in the comment section below.

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

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