95 Funny Blonde Jokes And Puns That Are Stupidly Hilarious

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Jessica Amlee


Blonde jokes are a form of humor that often portrays blonde women as unintelligent, naive, or ditzy. However, it’s important to note that these jokes are not based on reality, and making fun of a particular group of people based on their physical or personal characteristics is not acceptable.

The origins of blonde jokes are unclear, but they have been around for a long time and have become a part of popular culture. Some people may tell these jokes as a way to bond with others or to fit in with a certain social group. Others may tell these jokes as a way to feel superior or to make fun of someone else.

It’s important to be mindful of the impact that our words and actions can have on others and to avoid making jokes or comments that are hurtful or offensive. Instead, we should strive to create a more inclusive and respectful society where everyone is valued and respected, regardless of their physical appearance or personal characteristics.

Best Blonde Jokes

Two blondes are walking and one asks, “Which is closer, the moon or Florida?”
And the other responds, “Duh…can you see Florida?”

Why was the blonde snorting Sweet and Low?
She thought it was diet coke.

Why can’t you tell blondes knock-knock jokes?
Because they leave to go answer the door.

A blonde rings up an airline and asks, “How long are your flights from America to England?”
The woman on the other end of the phone replies, “Just a minute.”
The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
You pull the pin and throw it back!

Why did the blonde keep staring into the refrigerator?
Because the orange juice said concentrate.

Why did a blonde on a diet eat her food quickly?
She thought she was fasting.

A blonde was visiting the zoo and reached the big cat exhibit.
“I wonder what these tigers would say if they could talk,” she said to the man next to her.
He replied, “I’m pretty sure they’d say ‘We are leopards.'”

What do you call a line of blonde people?
A barbie queue.

What do you call it when a blonde does a mistake?

A blonde goes into a church and asks the minister, “How much does it cost to rent a church singing group?”
He said, “Do you mean a choir?”
She said, “Fine… How much does it cost to acquire a church singing group?”

Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?
To make up her mind.

What do you call a spy who bleaches his hair?
James Blonde.

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.
“We’re supposed to find the height of this flagpole,” said Sven, “but we don’t have a ladder.”
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement, and announced, “Twenty one feet, six inches,” and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, “Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!”

A blonde, a brunette, and redhead are all in the 9th Grade. Which one is the sexiest?
The blonde, because she’s the only one who’s 18.

Recommended: Redhead Jokes

What do you call a smart blonde?
A Golden Retriever.

Why do Blondes never suffer from headaches?
No brain no pain.

A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde walk into a bar.
They were having a chat when the bartender asked them about their opinions on elements.
The redhead says, “I love gold because I can buy a lot of cars with it.”
The brunette says, “I would prefer platinum because it is more valuable than gold and can buy you more cars.”
The blonde says, “I have 2 bags of silicon and you should see the cars outside my house.”

What do you get when a topless blonde rubs sun tanning oil on a topless brunette?
Your camera.

Why did the blonde have “T.G.I.F.” embroidered on her socks?
To remind her that Toes Go In First.

Why did the blonde walk into a bank with a bag full of shredded wood?
She wanted to open a shavings account.

A blonde goes to work in tears.
Her boss asks, “What’s wrong?”
She says, “My mom died.” He told her to go home, but she said, “No, I’ll be fine.”
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, “What’s wrong?”
She replies, “I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!”

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Friday night?
Tell them a joke on Monday.

A professor tells his class, “Fame will come to you only after you succeed.”
A blonde student asks, “Who is Seed?”

A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police.
She exclaims, “Hello, is this 911?”
The other person, “Yes, what is your emergency?”
The blonde answered, “I called to inform you that you’re 910 now.”

What did the blonde say when asked if her turn signal worked?
“Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.”

Why did the blonde stare at the Ford?
Because it said, Focus

Recommended: Ford Jokes

Two blondes meet at a busy chicken market.
The first asks, “If I can guess how many chickens you have in that bag, can I have one?”
The second replies, “You can have both.”
The first answers, “Three.”

What is a blonde with dyed brown hair?
Artificial intelligence.

What do you call two brunettes and a blonde in the NFL?
Two tight ends and a wide receiver!

A blonde arrives at the police station asking for work.
The captain says they can’t just turn her away and instructs the desk officer to conduct an interview with her. The officer asks, “What’s 2+2?” because he has no idea what to ask her to dismiss her application.
“Ummm… four!” exclaims the blonde.
“What’s the square root of 100?” thinks the cop, so he tries a harder one.
“Ummm… ten!” exclaims the blonde.
“Excellent!” exclaims the officer, switching from arithmetic to history.
“So, who assassinated Abraham Lincoln?”
“Ummm… I’m not sure,” says the blonde.
“Okay, you can go home and think about it, and then come back and tell me what you’ve found out,” he says. He believes that’s the last time he’ll see her.
So the blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. “Not only did I get the job,” she says, “but I’ve already been assigned to a murder case!”

How do you make a blonde’s eyes light up?
Shine a flashlight in her ears…!

Why did the blonde hold a handful of gravel to her ear?
She wanted to listen to some rock music.

Lynn & Judy, two blondes were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House.
Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”
Lynn explained, “When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.”
Judy got completely upset and yelled, “You moron! Those nails aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!”

Why couldn’t the blonde dial 911?
She didn’t know where the 11 was.

Recommended: Brunette Jokes

What do you call a blonde with two broken legs?
A Lyft, because an ambulance would probably bankrupt them.

A blonde’s office computer had technical issues.
IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.
“It’s ‘MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon,'” she replied.
“A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?” the support dude asked.
She went, “Because computer said the password has to be at least 5 characters and have a capital.”

Why was the blonde eventually fired from the M&M factory?
She was throwing out all the W’s.

What do you call two blondes in a freezer?
Frosted Flakes.

A blonde mother is preparing dinner when her blonde daughter enters.
“Why do people believe we blondes are stupid?” the daughter wonders.
“I’ll show you,” her mother says, tapping hard on the kitchen counter.
“Someone’s at the door!” exclaims the blonde daughter, rather perplexed.
The blonde mother laughs, “This is why people think we’re stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door.”

Why do blondes have bruises on their bellybutton?
Blonde guys aren’t that smart either!

One day while waiting for a bus, a man spotted a young blonde woman digging a hole and another blonde quickly filling it back up with dirt. He watches as they travel up and down the street, doing this time and over. The first blonde drills a hole, and the second fills it with soil. After a few moments, he asks, “pardon me, what are you women doing?”
“We’re working,” says the first blonde.
“Just the two of you?” he inquires.
“Well” the second blonde chimes in, “there’s usually three of us, but the girl that plants the trees called out sick.”

What did the blonde say when her boyfriend blew in her ear?
Thanks for the refill.

A blonde woman visits her husband in prison.
Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: “You shouldn’t make my husband work like that. He’s exhausted!”
The officer laughs and says, “Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!”
The wife replies: “Bullsht! He just told me he’s been digging a tunnel for months!”

Why did the blonde ask for a DNA test on her new baby?
She wanted to make sure it was hers.

A blonde enters a pharmacy and requests bottom deodorant.
The assistant, perplexed, informs the woman that they never sell bottom deodorant. Unfazed, the blonde informs the lady behind the counter that she has been purchasing the items from here on a regular basis and would like some more.
The shop assistant pauses for a while, knowing full well that they do not stock or sell such a thing, then grins at the blonde and says, “Just wait a moment while I go fetch the Pharmacist.” “May I assist you, miss?” the pharmacist asks the blonde. “I’d like to buy some bottom deodorant, please,” the blonde says. “I’m sorry,” the pharmacist adds, “but we don’t have any.” “But I always get it here,” the blonde says. “Do you have the container in which it comes?” “Sure!” exclaimed the blonde, “I’ll go grab it!”
She returns with the container and presents it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to the woman, “This is simply a standard stick of under-arm deodorant”.
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, “To apply, push up bottom.”

What happens if a Danish blonde moves to Sweden?
The average intelligence of both countries goes up.

In order to demonstrate that blondes are smart, a blonde spends $1,000,000 to use a stadium.
She fills the stadium with 80,000 other blondes and summons one to demonstrate on live television that blondes are intelligent.
She begins with a simple math question. “What is the sum of twenty and three?” she queries the eager volunteer. The petite blonde muffles “nine?” into the microphone.
Soon a chorus of 80,000 blondes yell out, “Give her another chance! Give her another chance!” The lead blonde agrees and calms the crowd. She decides to go really easy and asks the young blonde volunteer, “Ok dear, what’s two plus two?” The little blonde thinks for about thirty seconds, and hesitatingly whispers, “Four?”
In unison 80,000 blondes scream out, “Give her another chance! Give her another chance…!”

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?

The farmer is questioned by a blonde who notices a cow without horns and says, “Excuse me, but why wouldn’t a cow have any horns?”
The farmer responds: “There are various reasons why a cow might not have horns, ma’am. To begin with, certain breeds simply do not have horns. Another reason is that we occasionally cut them off when a cow becomes too boisterous and unsafe to manage and be around. Another explanation is that when they are calves, we occasionally apply a type of acid where the horns are growing, which prevents the horns from sprouting.”
The blonde then points and asks, “OK, but what about that cow, why doesn’t it have any horns?”
The farmer replies, “Well, ma’am, the reason why THAT particular cow has no horns is that is a horse.”

Why does it take so long to build a blonde snowman?
You have to hollow out the head.

A man hires a blonde to paint his porch.
He tells her that the brushes, paint, and ladders are in the garage.
About 30 minutes later he hears a knock and answers the door. The blonde lets him know that she’s finished.
“Wow,” he says, “that was quick. Did you have enough paint?”
“Yup, enough for 2 coats!” she replies.
The man thanks her and pays her. As she’s leaving she turns around and says “By the way, it’s not a porch. It’s a Ferrari.”

Why did the blonde use her hair dryer on the laptop?
It was frozen.

Three women are on the verge of being executed. There’s a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette is brought forward by the guard, and the executioner asks if she has any final requests. When she answers no, the executioner yells, “Ready! Aim!”
The brunette exclaims, “EARTHQUAKE!!!”
Everyone is taken aback and falls to the ground as she flees.
The redhead is brought forward by the guard, and the executioner asks if she has any final requests. When she answers no, the executioner yells, “Ready! Aim!”
“TORNADO!!!” exclaims the redhead.
Everyone is startled and looks for cover as she flees.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says, “No”, and the executioner shouts, “Ready! Aim!”
And the blonde yells, “FIRE!!!”

What can strike a blonde, without her even knowing it?
A thought.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. “Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.” Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!”

How did the blonde die ice fishing?
She was hit by a Zamboni.

On a trip from Los Angeles to New York, a blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other.
The lawyer invites her to participate in a fun game. The blonde, exhausted, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, explaining that the game is simple and enjoyable.
“I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00,” he explains.
She declines once again and goes to bed. “Alright, if you don’t know the answer, you give me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00,” the lawyer replies, now angry.
This draws the blonde’s interest, and she agrees to the game, knowing there will be no end to her agony unless she plays. The first question is posed by the lawyer. “How far is it from the Earth to the Moon?”
Without saying anything, the blonde reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and delivers it to the lawyer. “All right,” the lawyer says, “it’s your turn.”
“What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?” she asks the lawyer. The lawyer, perplexed, takes out his laptop computer and searches through all of his references, but there is no response. He connects his modem to the air phone and searches the internet and the Library of Congress, but there is no response. He sends e-mails to all of his buddies, frustrated.
He wakes the blonde after an hour and hands her $500.00. “Thank you,” the blonde says before turning back to sleep. The lawyer, clearly irritated, wakes the blonde and asks, “So, what’s the answer?”
Without saying anything, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and returns to her sleep.

Why did a blonde turn down a promotion?
She didn’t want to break the glass ceiling.

A blonde attempted to sell her old car. She was having a difficult time selling it because it had 250,000 miles on it.
She confided in a coworker about her situation one day. “There is a way to make the car simpler to sell,” her acquaintance said, “but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” the blonde said.
“Alright,” the friend said. “Here’s my friend’s address. He runs an auto repair business. Inform him I sent you, and he’ll reset your car’s mileage counter to 50,000 miles. Then you should have no trouble selling your car.”
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, the friend asked the blonde,
“Did you sell your car?”
“No,” replied the blonde, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.

What’s the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
The mosquito stops sucking after you smack it.

A blind man accidentally walks into a women’s bar.
He grabs a seat at the bar and orders a drink. After a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you want to hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately becomes completely silent. “Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things,” the woman next to him says in a deep, husky voice.
1 – The bartender is a young blonde woman. 2 – The bouncer is a beautiful blonde girl. 3 – I’m a 6’0″ 200-pound blonde with a black belt in karate. 4 – The blonde woman sitting next to me is a professional weightlifter. 5 – The blonde lady on your right is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously Mister, do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says, “Nah…. not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

Recommended: Blind Man Jokes

A blonde read the headline of a newspaper, “3 Brazilian die in a bus crash.”
“Oh no, that’s terrible!” she says to her friend.
“How many is a Brazilian, and how did they all fit on the bus?!”

What’s the difference between a blonde and a dog?
It only takes one finger to make a dog come.

A blond cop stops a blond and requests her driver’s license. “Uhh, what are they again?” the blond wonders as she starts looking through her car.
The blond officer responds, “Ugh. It’s the item in your purse that has your photo on it.” “Oh sure,” replies the blond, reaching into her purse and pulling out a tiny mirror, which she hands over.
The blond cop opens it, takes a look inside, hands it back, and says, “I’m sorry ma’am. If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn’t have pulled you over.”

What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A blowjob with handlebars.

How does a blond clean her underwear?
She put some over her head and shouts it out.

What did the blonde do when she discovered that most accidents happen within a mile from home?
She moved.

After school, a girl informs her mother, “Mother, I got a gold star today for memorizing the alphabet!” My classmates barely know three or four letters! “Well done, sweetheart,” says the girl’s mother. “Because you’re a blonde.”
As the daughter gets home from school the next day, she informs her mother, “I am the most intelligent kid in my arithmetic class! I can count to fifteen! Everyone else came to a halt at 5.” “Well done,” says the mother once more. “Because you’re a blonde.”
The following day, the girl says to her mother. “Mum, today we measured our chests in class and mine is the largest! Is that because I’m blonde?”
“No darling, that’s because you’re 18.”

Why did the blonde woman go to medical school?
She wanted to be a doctor.

What did the Chinese couple name their blonde baby?
Sum Ting Wong.

Recommended: Chinese Jokes

Three blondes are stranded in the desert.
They come across a river that they must cross, but it is teeming with crocodiles.
Fortunately, a genie happened to pass by on his flying carpet. He stated: “You’re really fortunate! Because I have discovered you here, I will grant you each one wish.”
The first blonde hoped she could swim well. Her appearance transformed with the snap of the genie’s fingers. She fled and attempted to cross the river, but the crocodiles devoured her immediately.
When swimming was out of the question, the second blonde had to reconsider and requested a rowing boat. A rowing boat arrived in front of their eyes without hesitation. She climbed on and rowed over. But, just halfway across, the crocodiles shattered enough of her boat to sink it, and she was eaten as well.
The third blonde had to think really hard. (Mind you, she took her time.)After a while, she exclaimed: “You know, I always wanted to try a different hair color.” As soon as she was finished talking, her hair color changed to brown.
“OH!” she then said, “Look over there, a bridge.”

Why do blondes make awful bank robbers?
Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
“Are you sure it’s mine?”

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the practice for two weeks. You’ll have lost at least five pounds by the time I see you again.”
The blonde had lost approximately 20 pounds by the time she returns. “Wow, that’s incredible!” exclaims the doctor. “Did you listen to my instructions?”
“I’ll tell you, I believed I was going to die on the third day,” the blonde agrees.
“From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.
“No, from skipping,” replied the blonde.

Recommended: Fat Puns

What do a blonde and a plane have in common?
They both have a cockpit.

How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
Knock on the door.

Three blondes are walking through a forest when they spot tracks on the ground.
The first blonde says: “Look, those are deer tracks.”
The second blonde looks at them and says, “No you’re wrong, those tracks obviously belong to wolves.”
The third blonde thinks for a minute and says, “You’re both wrong, these are hog tracks, I’m sure.”
They were still arguing when the train hit them.

What’s the difference between a blonde girl and an ironing board?
Sometimes the legs of an ironing board are hard to open.

At the craps table, two bored casino dealers are waiting. A stunning blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and wagers $20,000 on a single throw of the dice. “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless,” she explains.
With that, she strips down to her underwear, rolls the dice, and exclaims, “Come on, Southern girl, you need new clothes!” She bounces up and down and squeals when the dice bounce and come to a stop “Yeah! Yes! I won! I won!” She hugs each of the dealers, collects her riches and clothes, and rushes out the door. The dealers look at each other, puzzled.
Finally, one of them asks, “What did she roll?”
The other answers, “I don’t know, I thought you were watching.”

In front of a blonde woman, a bodybuilder removes his shirt and begins flexing. “Wow, what a magnificent chest you have!” she says. “Solid dynamite, sweetie,” he says.
He then removes his pants, to which the blonde exclaims, “Wow, what big calves you have!”
“As I said, pure dynamite, honey,” he flexes his leg muscles.
Then he removes his underwear and the blonde goes running and screaming in fear.
He gets dressed and goes chasing after the woman. When he catches up to her, he asks, “Why the hell did you go running off like that?”
She replies, “I was afraid to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was.”

Recommended: Dick Joke

How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide?
There are bullet holes in the mirror.

Why did the blonde enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.

What do you call a naked blonde doing a handstand?
A brunette with bad breath.

Do you have a funny blonde joke? Post your own blonde puns in the comment section below!

Jessica Amlee, born in 1996 in Laughlin, Nevada, is a delightful humorist and joke writer with a penchant for puns. She studied at Emerson College, earning a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Comedy. Jessica's comedic style combines snappy one-liners and observational humor, making her a rising star in the world of comedy.

3 thoughts on “95 Funny Blonde Jokes And Puns That Are Stupidly Hilarious”

  1. Hi Jessica!
    You did a fantastic job with these, some of them are brand new to me – and I’ve read lots of blonde jokes over the years!
    How about a new post of blonde GUY jokes? Blonde men are dumb too you know.

  2. you say:
    and making fun of a particular group of people based on their physical or personal characteristics is not acceptable.
    and then write an entire post doing exactly that


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